Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

Just wanted to say I felt the same when I had my son, I literally found it hell but my god he is my whole world now. I think I had to let my old life go and find joy in new things. Somedays I just wish I could go shopping all days, spas etc but you get chances to do that as they get older but I must say, not many.

My son wouldn't have a bottle, took 5 month for useless doctors to decide he had a milk allergy.
I hated seeing people with babies sitting in cafes having a bottle when I was spending every minute of the day trying to get some kind of milk in him. I felt like I couldn't do anything or go anywhere.

Also the constant constipation and i wanted to scream if one more doctor said to try laxtolose, it didn't work at all, I finally got seen by a feeding clinic in the hospital and was given sodium picosulfate. This was a life saver, one spoonful and 12 hours later without fail there was a poo explosion, even after 8 days of constipation.
I remember I went to my GP for another bottle and she was like I'm not giving you that, it's too harsh, again I could of punched her, the specialist at the hospital had given me this stuff which worked amazingly and here is the GP trying to backtrack. So if you keep having constipation problem I would demand that or get onto a specialist rather than a GP.

Good luck and you will get through it.

Older Mum here. It does get so much easier. My 2 year old is like my little best mate. I work part time, she goes to nursery 3 days a week. She loves it and I get a break from being Mum. It means when we have a day together it’s so much better. The tiny baby struggles with feeding and reflux etc will pass in a flash. Just take it one day at a time. A couple of things I would really recommend is using the ‘LittleOnes’ app and getting into a routine, it will massively help to give you confidence in going out and about and doing what you want. It will really help to understand your babies needs and know what to do if they are unsettled. 100% they can be sleeping through the night at 6 months. Sleep deprivation makes everything feel worse so if you can start to get into a routine you’ll be getting more sleep before you know it. Also takes a bit of research but if you spend a bit of time, you’ll find different groups / classes that work for you. I took my daughter to an exercise class for mum’s with babies in slings. If you are into exercise invest in a decent running buggy (or try and get your hands on a second hand one) and then you can do park runs etc. If you have the money there are gyms with crèches. There are lots of walk and talk groups for mums and if not in your area you could start one. There are loads of mum influencers on instagram who do long haul trips with young children or who recommend the best museums and cultural places to go with babies/toddlers. It might give you some inspiration that it can be done and you can still be you and live your life just in a new way. I hope you start to feel better.

You might not be open to this but what about combi feeding. Then your mum and other family could help and you would have some rest.

I have read all of your posts and your previous thread, so apologies if this is a simple reply. Is your baby soothed by breastfeeding? I have had 4 babies in 6 years (never the plan but there we go) and the bf ones were very much velcro babies.

I remember when my twins were tiny, I couldn’t fathom the thought of many more months of sleepless nights, and now I’ve had a handful of full nights in the last 6 years.

With the crying specifically, mine would/ will cry very often. My youngest is 5 months ajd co-sleeps (returning to a next to me caused wake up/ screaming), she won’t sleep in a moses basket and will only go in a pushchair if perfectly timed (just fed and tired). She will also scream bloody murder with other people if she is tired. Have you tried a sling/ feeding in a sling if out and about? It’s been a game changer for me and made me feel much more confident about going out/ being able to stop the crying.

Hang in there. It’s a lot and you are doing amazingly well.

My kids both slept through by about 12 months but thereafter have had patches of not sleeping due to illness, nightmares, teething, life changes such as moving house or starting school, and so on.

OP needs to readjust her expectations and not be lead to believe she will be whizzing a 12 month old off on carefree weekends away on a regular basis, and having lie ins when they’re 6 months old. Yes she will do those things again, but for now she needs to accept her life will be very different and yes sometimes hard for years, because she chose to have a baby.

I think the pie in the sky reassurance being given here is a little irresponsible if I’m honest.

Sorry you’re struggling OP. Please ignore the silly comments about you making the choice of single motherhood. You are still in the really early days of being a mummy. Yes, it is hard work, I won’t deny that. But you and your baby will find a routine. You will get to know how best to settle him, when he is likely to nap so you can get stuff done etc. When I had my babies my life obviously changed. But mostly, they slotted in. They’d nap in their buggy, eat on the go if needed etc. I would make sure you still have your life, but baby comes along with that. Go on holiday etc, but just bring things baby needs etc. to go along with your plans. Obviously you’re still early on, but maybe when you (if you) go back to work you might find it a bit easier. You get to be yourself for some time befit coming home and being mummy. Things will get easier.

You poor thing OP, I feel for you. There’s been some thoughtful advice on this thread from PPs ref helping your mental health so I’m going to focus on what you can do for your baby.

First and foremost I cannot recommend enough that you arrange a call with a sleep consultant first thing on Tuesday morning. You need to feel like you are doing something and the initial call with them is free. You have literally nothing to lose. In fact I’m begging you to do it. I used these guys for both my DDs, my DD1 was sleeping through by 16 weeks my DD2 by 5 months. It’s science based, gentle and it works! https://www.littledreamsconsulting.com please at least read the reviews. 🙏🙏 Babies can and do sleep through the night before 6 months if you help them learn how to.

Once you are getting some sleep and your days and nights have more structure everything will feel more possible - going out, moving back to Paris, all the doors you thought were shut will be openable 😍. Or at least they were for me!!! And the bonding with baby takes time. Don’t beat yourself up. That will also come once you feel a bit more human. Xx

@Bringyourfoldingchair but she has made the choice of single motherhood. I agree with the rest of your post but these replies encouraging her to go back to work, put a 3 month old in nursery, move to Paris and basically live her old life while doing the minimum for him are really sad.

Being a Mum to a newborn is bloody hard work; being a single Mum to a newborn can be even harder. It does sound to me as if you might have PND and it's good that you are engaging with agencies that can support you. I think that perhaps you have viewed motherhood through rose-tinted glasses before you became pregnant. Yes, you knew it would be hard, but it's harder than you imagined it would be. You are realising that the fantasy of motherhood you had in your mind, is very far removed from reality and it's brought you down to earth with a massive bump. Coupled with sleep deprivation and hormones, you are feeling overwhelmed.

Take each day as it comes. You are hyper focused on the future. Babies are unpredictable and children can be too as well.

My son suffered from trapped wind, which is why he cried, so we gave him Infacol. I was only planning on breastfeeding for 3 months, but no one told me that breastfed babies often refuse bottles, regardless if expressed milk or formula. My son was around 9 months old before he'd accept a bottle. Refused every brand of bottle I tried or slippy cups.

My son started sleeping through the night from around 9-10 months old. Unless he was unwell, he was a good sleeper after this age. Not all babies turn into toddlers that won't sleep!

The biggest thing you have to remember is that all babies are different. Just because some children don't sleep through the night until 2 years old or older, doesn't mean your son will be the same! You learn to parent as you go along, yes it can be scary, babies don't come with a manual.

I can absolutely promise you, it WILL get better. You will get some level of freedom back.

Apologies if this has already been said, but I have only read op posts. A lot of babies with CMPA also have soya allergies. May be worth cutting that out to see if that improves baby crying.

Gaviscon causes constipation. So even though you’re breastfeeding, baby can still get constipated from the lactoluse.

It might be worth trying formula because that would at least make it clear if baby has CMPA or not. If baby was then to react to the milk you can go to your gp and get prescription milk for cmpa. I breastfed both of mine with milk allergies until 5-6months. I was gutted to stop breastfeeding but both of my babies became a lot more settled after starting formula.

I also wouldn’t worry that baby isn’t going to sleep at night. Both my girls and most people I know had babies who slept through the night from around 6 months onwards. There is no point in getting yourself worked up about that. Your baby may surprise you and start sleeping better soon.

have you tried giving your baby a dummy for the crying? None of mine would take a dummy, but it is worth a try.

I really do hope things improve for you soon. I think making plans to go back to Paris will help.

It does sound quite like postnatal depression which is incredibly common. I would really consider taking the medication and getting a next to me crib, so you can pop your hand in, comfort him etc. Also this was just my experience and i know it’s often frowned upon by some, but i felt most depressed when i was breastfeeding. One day i had an amazing midwife you said to me, just give him a bottle, you’re not giving up but she thought it would help, and my god did it. My body began to feel like my own after I got over my own guilt. I found formula filled him up more so he slept better and longer. For me it completely changed everything. Just food for thought. As no one ever suggested or encouraged it for me until that angel of a midwife came along. Also I disagree with moving back to Paris. Loosing your family may make things worse, and it won’t be your old life. It’s ok to mourn your old life, but with some meds and some help things will get better. Could you maybe rent somewhere close to your mum? Also playpens are great for if you need to go to the toilet or do something. They are safe and it gives you time to pop and do something. Think of this as a new chapter and soon things will get better. The little smiles, the laughs, the cuddles to come will bring you joy. Take the meds, lean on your support, utilise anything you can to help you, next to me crib, playpen, baby programmes on tv, baby swing, like I said bottle feeding helped me too, but that’s a personal thing. You’re doing your best. Be kind to yourself and remember you are that little boys world. A time will come very soon where the love he shows you and you feel for him overcomes all the hard bits. You are in the trenches now, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I’m a single mum of 6, and it’s a rollercoaster but the good will far outweigh the bad. But keep reminding yourself to be kind to yourself, and use any thing you can that helps. Also it doesn’t matter if he cries in public, babies do that. Just see if he needs anything and if it gets too bad just change plans, it can always be done another day! Don’t worry what others think, use anything that gives you some peace for now, maybe get your own place but close to family. A day will come when you have time to yourself again. Keep going, you’re doing a great job!

She has, but some of the posts basically saying suck it up isn’t helpful. Maybe sperm donor wasn’t plan a but OP wanted desperately to be a mummy. And I agree with you, the old life is gone, as was my old life when I had my babies, but OP can still have a life for herself which extends beyond being a mummy. Hope she finds her new happy :-)

Just thinking OP, does your Mum know you want to return to Paris? No right or wrong but sounds like she’s stepped up and has been your rock. She would maybe miss the two of you profoundly and may feel bereft, so be kind to gently throw it in there that one day you will so she can prepare herself. Obviously do what’s right for you and wee fella, just thinking she might need adjustment too when that happens. She sounds amazing doing all the cleaning and most of the cooking for much of it and sorry to hear about her accident. Hoping you’ll turn a corner soon. Go for it with bottle feed to see if that helps.

Please don’t make comments about op’s age.
Op I had DC late 30s -
many people do now. I remember feeling exactly like you. You mourn your old life but you will get more freedom back and quite soon.
It is a different kind of life I am sure you will find once you start getting a bit more sleep a joyful and wonderful one. Honestly this is the hardest period! Other bits have the challenges but also their joys too. x

Some more really useful posts, thank you.

@AleaEim The crying definitely isn't hunger- my first action is always to get the boob out but he rejects it. My mother says he has a "wee pain"- legs pulled up, often back arching- as I wrote upthread, a nurse and health visitor think it might be silent reflux (he doesn't vomit). Two other professionals I've consulted (an ICBLC consultant who is also a CBT therapist, plus the local GP) think that silent reflux is massively over-diagnosed. The consultant thinks it might be

@ScaredButUnavoidable my therapist told me that most parents miss their life pre-babies. May I be so bold as to ask whether that means you regret having your babies?

OP, I just wanted to say you sound amazing. Congratulations on your beautiful child. Well done for having the courage to do it the harder way.

I had terrible hormonal shifts after having my younger child, in my early 40s. I went straight into perimenopause - also moved onto the wrong pill, and ended up really not myself.

But it passed! It lifted quite quickly once I changed meds.

I promise that you will be fine. This is a stage and it won't last... it really does get easier. You will be yourself again - there is so much joy and happiness to come. There will also be pain and sadness, but none of us escape those... you've chosen a life of richness and challenge and meaning, and your son is lucky, lucky to have you.

Sending moral support from over the water!

I haven’t read the whole thread, but thinking of you. Having a baby is such a shock to the system

A lot of people have given a lot of advice. Here’s some stuff that helped me:

Baby almost never cried in the sling. It was only when we left the sling behind on a trip to parents and ended up using a borrowed pram for a week that he started really crying. YMMV, but I loved throwing on the sling and having him snuggled to my front. I could go anywhere- and did - the warmth, tightness and probably my heartbeat kept him calm. It helped our bond, too. I had a large wraparound one that was surprisingly easy to put on - even alone.

I bf, but used a carton of formula if DH was doing a night and I couldn’t express enough. A friend used to bf but take formula when she went out as she wasn’t comfortable bfing in public. I don’t think formula/bf affects sleep, but many mothers do mixed feeding with no issues. We had single serve cartons of formula.

If baby cries out and about, you‘d be surprised how many helpful people there are around. I had engineers making faces at baby DS to distract him, and a waiter who carried him around while I was eating and showed him all the mirrors in the restaurant. A lady from an OAP coffee morning I went to who walked around with him for ages. Pensioners‘ groups are fab - they’ve been through it long enough ago, many actively want to help with baby.

I found if I got feeding on a schedule, this made sleep follow a schedule, too. Got that from a French parenting book btw.

It helps to have an idea of what’s going on in that little head. I found Wonder Weeks excellent, an app based on a Dutch book roughly translated as Oh, I‘m growing! There are huge brain developments happening at certain times in the first year or so, and with each one baby can get clingy and fractious as his world has just changed - again. The app warns you when this is due to happen, what is happening, and what may help.

Don‘t be scared to try different ways of doing things. I hated breastfeeding for the first six weeks, a Google search for I hate breastfeeding turned up a technique called relaxed breastfeeding, which essentially involved baby facing the boob while I lay down. I was feeding him one-handed standing up after a while.

A friend used to take her son out to the city art gallery in his buggy until he was at least 3. She‘d push him around, he‘d fall asleep, she enjoyed the extensive art collection.

Each child is different, but try unorthodox ways of doing things and make it work for you. Also don’t be scared of going back to France - childcare is much cheaper and more plentiful there. Babies don’t need much space for the first year.

And it does get easier, then harder, then easier, until you discover you‘ve become attuned to your little human. It’s a very very different life, but you will catch yourself enjoying an experience you would never have had without your child and feel some joy. As they grow, they will introduce you to things you wouldn’t have experienced without them (my 9yr old and I swam 1km today!)

All the best, one day at a time.

@Cantmakemymindup2 in answer to your questions: I completely avoid all dairy in my diet. Putting the baby on ordinary formula would of course entail putting him back on lactose so Id want to be quite sure he has CPMA. I tried him with a non-lactose formula (Nutramigen- it stinks!) and he wouldn't take it.

He won't take a dummy either- so far I have tried both mam and Tommy Tippee brands....

I'm pretty sure when men sign up to be sperm donors it doesn't include weekly babysitting...

@BrendaSouleyman I think what's really hard with babies is they are all so different, so nobody can say with any certainty when yours will sleep through the night. But it is very likely that things will only get easier from this point. I think it's very common for the constant crying to start to ease off around 3-4 months. At 6 months you can start introducing solids, which can also really help.

Is there no way you could go back to Paris sooner?

I think the lack of sleep is what makes it so hard. At 44 its much much harder to cope with lack of sleep. Can you think of a way to improve on the sleep front? I am thinking of a nanny, either for the night or for the day? I would prioritize your sleep and rest above anything else apart from caring for the baby. Also, can perhaps your mum or sister help with meals?

I just wanted to come on here and give you some hope.
I felt exactly the same way as you with my first child. She screamed uncontrollably- so much that I had to leave various things like baby massage etc as she just wouldn’t stop. Even the HVs etc couldn’t comfort her. We were told colic, silent reflux, etc but in the end nothing worked. She suddenly just stopped screaming at about 10 months. I truly think she was just a very sensitive baby. (She still cries a lot even at 14 years old - cries when happy, sad, angry, etc).
I was an older mother and really struggled with the lack of freedom. If I was ever offered childcare, I’d rush out somewhere instead of sleeping like I should have. I was determined to keep having ‘a life’. But if I had my time again, it’d just think what a relatively short time it is and just survive. Sleep as much as possible, co sleep with the baby, etc.
I stopped breastfeeding after a few weeks hoping she’d sleep better but she didn’t and all it meant was that I had to make bottles all night and couldn’t boob her to sleep.
All I can say is that it did all pass. From 10 months she has been an absolute joy. Yes, she didn’t sleep through till about 3 yrs old, but she was such a joy that it didn’t matter and the sleep was still better than earlier. Each stage since then has been such a pleasure. I’ve loved taking her all over the country and world, to museums, theatre, etc Even as a teenager she is the most loving, funny, kind human ever.
Hang on in there. It’s brutal having a baby who cries like that (my second one didn’t hardly at all!) but it passes.
Now I have virtually all of my freedom back and I wonder where the time went!

It absolutely does get so much easier. I had a baby at 40 after many years of longing and ivf and when he was born I also had many times where I thought I couldn't do early parenthood anymore.
My son is 6 now and we have the most wonderful life. Early motherhood is bloody bloody hard. Sleep deprivation drives you crazy.
Your son could have reflux? My son had reflux and its the devil. He barely slept longer than 40 mins until he was 15 months old. No-one unless they also had a child with reflux will understand the horror of baby reflux. Saying that... I have made some really good mum friends and pretty much all of them will tell me that they thought they couldn't go on more times than once regardless of their age, relationship status or family support. It absolutely does get easier.

You have my sympathy! My eldest son was very similar, if I wasn’t feeding him, he was crying, he refused to drink anything from a bottle, either formula or expressed milk. We tried all sorts of colic remedies - nothing worked. At around 22 weeks he turned into a different baby! much more settled, would lie / roll happily on a playmat so the days became a lot easier. The nights could still be a bit of a nightmare but he just didn’t seem to need much sleep, he would wake up in the middle of the night wide awake and wanting to play.
It’s still early days, hopefully things will get better soon.

OP you’ve talked a lot about the baby crying and you not understanding why, and mentioned a few other things that make me wonder whether having the baby in a sling for part of the day would help? Reassuring for your baby, possibly helpful for reflux etc, possibly quite calming and bonding for both of you

@BrendaSouleyman i commented on your first thread. This idea that you can have no routine with a young baby and your therapist saying all parents have the first 2-3 years of broken sleep is utter nonsenses.

I’ve had 3 and I worked hard to get them all sleeping thro 7-7 with an 11pm dream feed
by 3-4 months. It involved no cruelty at all. You and your poor mother are on your knees. You would feel so much better about your freedom if you gave a structured routine a go. It gaves your baby’s tummy the chance to rest, enough day time sleep so he doesn’t become overtired / and solid night time sleep that he needs for brain development.

I’d try that before anti-depressants for sure tho of course you should take them of nothing improves. If you got him in a nice routine you could get out of Strabane for sure …

Id speak to the sleep consultant someone posted up thread who respectfully will know a lot more about infant sleep than your therapist.