Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

All kids are different, and yes some do sleep through the night long before 6 months-and some nor for much longer.
Others have already commented about getting help. Could the dad help-even if you're a single mum, he should be helping in some ways, to give you a break.

Bloody hell - get a side sleeper cot so you can safely co-sleep and take the antidepressants.

Bugger off back to Paris where its warm and sunny and you have friends and a social network, and its not grey damp miserable Ireland with mostly the company of a 70 odd year old. Where the public transport network is better, the food is better, ... just everything is nicer.

Learn how to use a better sling so you can take your son around with you and still be hands free.

You clearly need help with your PND but I suspect you'll get that more easily and effectively in France and just being somewhere nicer and more your cup of tea will help enormously.

Oh and do not beat yourself up about your Mums car accident - she chose to drive when tired. And the person trying to claim the accident caused a miscarriage is also to be ignored - loads of people have a miscarriage early on, lots of people could do a pregnancy test that shows positive one day and negative a few days later, many people don't know because they never suspected and tested. For all you know, its a total fabrication. It is not your problem!

To be brutally honest, your sister is a twat. Who says that to someone who’s struggling?! She’s entitled to her feelings but sometimes we have inside thoughts!

In terms of anti depressants, mirtazepine isn’t first line treatment and unless especially psychoactive I’m not sure why you couldn’t control taking them? I have had PND 3 times, sertraline and then fluoxetine saved me. No one ever told me to not bedshare because of them, albeit I appreciate they’re different meds to ones you’re discussing.

To answer the rest of what you’re asking - it ABSOLUTELY gets easier. Is it like pre baby life? No. But I have a 6, 4 & 1.5 year olds and nothing, NOTHING, has been as hard as the first 3-4 months with a newborn. Nothing! My 6 year old is funny, cuddly, good company, wants to bake and draw and do puzzles and loves hanging out with me! She sleeps through the night, wipes her own bum, gets herself dressed… I appreciate neurodivergence and disability means not all experiences are like this but this age is glorious and I love her so much. There is SO MUCH joy to come for you, I promise.

If you have more support and friends and freedom in Paris perhaps move back? Is there good available options for mums and babies? Can you afford to buy in help if needed, like a cleaner or mother’s help?

Sending big hugs OP I remember so vividly not enjoying the newborn phase and thinking when does this HELL end? 4-6months was easier, and it got better from there. Newborns are boring! And it’s so mundane and repetitive.

A lot of the things you've mentioned do get A LOT better (but then fluctuate).

My daughter was an awful sleeper - crying all the time and very tense, particularly at night. Would only sleep in two hour bursts (if I was lucky) for the first six months. We found out that she had a mild lactose intolerance and ended up using infant gaviscon and formula, which helped loads.

She'd only co-sleep, but around 9 months went into her own bed and mostly slept through the night - we realised by sleeping together were actually disturbing her at night!

I love her so much but used to absolutely dread the evenings, when I'd be solo parenting while my husband worked, but it got a lot better around 2-2.5. As soon as they can talk, solo play, actually want to participate and help out with things etc. it's lovely.

I would really recommend moving back to Paris if that's where you're happy, and sorting out some childcare asap - ideally, with some Flexi-working to give you time to yourself too.

Just wanted to reassure you that you're not alone. I am fiercely independent and am fortunate to be doing this with a partner so I just want to express how valid these feelings are. I hate that I have to ask permission from someone to do anything or go anywhere and that you can't leave at the drop of a hat.

But honestly it does get easier. I have a 3 year old and right from the begining I took her out everyday to things that I found interesting (alongside many baby groups). We travelled with her a lot and I even took her alone with my sister's on a girls trip at 5 months old for two weeks in Croatia and Bosnia. Keeping my life the same has helped and honestly she is a great kid now because nothing phases her. She embraces everything and finds everything interesting. She asks to go to 'the cafe' all the time (we probably have been to a cafe as the two of us every single week of her life so far!). So I think don't try and change life too much - this is a long game! Take the little one with you and do things you like doing as well. Feel human. And go back to work when you're ready - I can't stress enough how much more human I felt going back to work. It is tough to balance but we both work full time and it is more than ok.

Finally, each phase has it's ups and downs but genuinely every phase is better than the previous one. The newborn phase is the worst - you love them of course but it's a lot of 'doing things for them out of necessity' rather than enjoying their cute personalities. Every new age I've entered I've thought 'oh she can't get better than this - she's so cute'..but at just turned three she is hilarious and I love doing things with her.

I don’t know what your relationship is like with your mum but if I moved in with my mum when my DS was a baby I’d have gone insane. I became a single mother when my DS was 2 when his dad disappeared on us. So I wasn’t completely on my own during the baby years, but it’s bollocks that it doesn’t get easier- there are different challenges sure, but nothing compares to the constant crying and sleep deprivation of the baby years. Once they sleep through the night it gets much, much easier. No offence but if you had a baby at 44 and went through IVF, you must have had a pretty good idea of how all-consuming single parenthood is and you must’ve realised that you’d never be able to get your old life back..you should have made peace with that before you even started IVF. I miss my old life too at times, but those feelings very quickly turn to immense gratitude that I have a happy, healthy child. My life is all about him now, but that’s ok because that’s the decision I made and I just feel grateful that I got to experience excitement and adventure in my 20s & early 30s. This is a new chapter now and I think it helps to embrace that rather that obsessing over your old life that you chose to give up. You chose to give it up for a reason and it will feel worth it one day. I don’t think you really mean it about wanting to put him in care do you? Sounds like that’s your mental health talking. You need support with your MH. After you’re in a slightly better place I’d look at moving back to Paris, as that’s clearly where you’re happier.

This isn’t everyone’s experience, my 1 year old sleeps through the night. Some babies master it earlier, some later. While toddlers and older children may wake overnight, it’s different than a newborn. For example, my 6 year old had a bad dream last night and woke me for a cuddle at 2am. She got into bed with me and we were both back to sleep very quickly.

It gets better when they’re toddler age, babies are mostly boring and unrewarding. Most people who say it doesn’t get easier are just lying. Some parts stay hard yeah but it’s not hard in the same way.

You poor thing , I really feel for you . If I were you I would make a plan . I live in Dublin and really cannot imagine the culture shock of moving from Paris to somewhere like Sligo or similar ....OMG !!!!
Of course you miss the life you had - not just pre baby but also WHERE you lived .
Stay with you mum for the year . And then move back .
I have 5 kids and I remember that feeling with my first - wondering what on earth I had done .
Go easy on yourself, take it day by day , stop worrying about lack of routines (my babies did exactly what THEY wanted !!! ) and make a plan to get back to Paris .

I really feel for you. Firstly, 14 weeks is so early. You are still going through this huge adjustment, similar only to adolescence (which I remember as being similarly hard.) Have you heard of matresence? It’s the transition of adjusting from woman to mother. I listened to the motherkind podcast with Zoe Blaskey on this, and many of her other episodes, and it really helped to feel like I wasn’t alone.

At this point in my son’s life, I remember wondering how I could handle the future and feeling like the getting better part felt very far away. I remember spending nights googling travel lodges so I could escape. He is now four and I still find some days or phases hard, but nowhere near as hard as at the start. Not even close.

Very soon you will notice changes - even at 4/5 months, they start to gain more interest in the world, and begin to play more. They don’t feed for as long and would rather look around at what’s going on. As they become mobile you also become freer, in just three months from now, your child may be sitting or rolling around, moving towards crawling, and you won’t need to be so close to them all the time. Even if sleep is still crap it won’t be as bad as the newborn days, and every night / week can be different. You slowly begin to have more space, it’s gradual but it does happen.

You’ll leave them for a night and go out and will come back feeling so refreshed. I once read that parenting is just a matter of trying something out, seeing if it works, if it does keep going, if not then stop. Like a science experiment where you’re just trying things out and trying your best.

I don’t know if any of this helps but I wish you all the best. I also loved the song “secret for the mad” by Dodie - I connected it with the lack of sleep and it really got to me. Also Hollie McNish’s poetry book - Nobody Told Me. I was so messed up about sleep that I even messaged her and asked how she got her kid to sleep at 10 months cos I’d read about it in her book! I feel so far from that desperation now; and you will too. Take care x

hello OP, your post really resonates with me. I did not come late to motherhood but it hit me like an emotional tsumami, I really thought that all a baby did was feed every 4 hours and sleep in between feeds and that come 6 months of age they would snuggle down from around 8pm to 6 am! I got the biggest shock ever, it was as if a nuclear bomb had gone off in my life. I won't tell you how old they were before I got an unbroken night as that serves no useful purpose. I was a single mum after the first 7 months as my husband pissed off with a woman he worked with because I had become "boring and only talked about the baby" Again that won't help you other than for me to express I have a good idea about how tough and overwhelming doing the whole thing alone is. It gets different rather than easier, different bits come easier than others, personally I did not find the toddler years as tough as the baby stage but we are all unique as are our children. I also think it is ok to mourn the life we used to have, to acknowledge that there is loss and change and that these can be difficult and stressful. Sending support and good wishes X

Maybe take a deep breath and stop doing"everything right", no one does that even with help. You sound like you're getting too wrapped up in that.
I wasn't a single parent exactly but like many women was really because my partner was uninterested and useless. I was also an older parent. Sometimes I think the desperate longing for a baby doesn't translate well once you have one as it's maybe a let down after all the excitement?
You can't go back to redo that but you can totally have a reset mentally.
Are you working? Co sleeping? Breastfeeding? You're not giving much detail. Throw away every rule book about what you should do and start doing what works for you.
I co slept and breastfed for 2 years, only fed my kid what I was eating. Booked him into nursery for maximum free hours and worked from home 2 days a week at my mum's so she could help out while I worked.
You've only got one so it's not true what your sis said. It's only true for her in that moment.
I don't mean to sound like I'm rubbing it in but I was totally surprised by how much I liked my baby. He still cried and everything like all of them and I still got frustrated but I never stopped liking him and enjoying him and at every age I decided I liked him at that age even more. So it's not true that it's all bad for ever.
You just sound like you need to get your head on. Stop thinking about your old life, that's the same as wishing you were at school again, just ridiculous. Start thinking about this life and what you need to make it perfect, then throw those ideas away and just take each day and look for the joyful moments. There's a time when everything feels easier and you can plan more.
And give your poor mum a break, you don't need her to help. You don't need anyone.

Plus I totally am intolerant to noise, can't stand even a minute of crying. I just had a whole bagful of things to try: walking with the pram, driving in the car, walking with a sling, singing, parking him in the garden, giving him more boob usually.

You will be better off in Paris, of course you can do this without your mum. Your anxiety is probably setting the baby off. Try some sensory meditation together with baby. Wave lights, soft music and quiet voices that calm you both down on a guided meditation tape.

I think there are two separate issues

• Paris is your soul place. You do not want to be in NW Ireland
• Motherhood is harder than you thought.

In your initial posts you mentioned thinking of putting your son in care, you have already come such a long way since that initial post and talking about imagining being with your son in Paris. He is there with you in your future in your minds eye, that is huge!

When you are back in Paris with him (which you will be at some point), you will be able to go on lots of Parisian adventures with him, it is a bigger and more cosmopolitan place so you will find more mums with your experience, and also your adventurous mindset, which will open up in time a whole new support network.

I wonder if some kind of body therapy like somatic experiencing (which can be done online) could help both with your physical detachment from Paris and your detachment from your baby (which as others have pointed out sounds like PND). It might help you feel more embodied.

Just to reiterate, babies cry, everyone knows they does, noone else minds that they cry. Every parent gets this.

I had my baby in lockdown. She was much wanted after previous losses. I felt like I was so anxious and could not really access mental healthcare. I felt like I was doing a lot for her but not with her if that makes sense.

The one thing that I did not expect to help but really did was baby massage. It really helped to bond, helped he sleep a bit better and the course I did (which was an on demand one) went into baby physiology a lot, it was through that I realised colic was worse after 4pm, so I always did the massage earlier in the day.

And the sleep regression was hard but by 14 months had stopped. Your baby is still so tiny that they are still getting used to the world so the settling takes a while, and is usually worse after a leap but then they also become more sparky and are more interactive and fun to be with.

I think it must have taken a lot of bravery to post this, you’ve got this and won’t feel like this forever, things will change x

If your son was born in January he must only be around 4 months old or less. You will gain more confidence going out and about as he gets older and you get into more of a routine. I think I started to implement a semi routine around 4 months old. E.g aiming for same wake up time and naps every day and trying to stop cluster feeding (snacking) so that she would instead get a proper feed at longer intervals. It really helped to plan the day better and understand what she really needed when. Plus just remember, nobody is going to judge you for your baby crying in public. I found this difficult but you have to get out of your comfort zone, it will become rewarding as you make more progress, together with your baby boy. My first outing resulted in walking around b&m, baby started crying and I didn’t know what to do, I put all shopping back and left.
I think some respite with baby in childcare maybe just a few hours a couple of days a week at this age would really help you to catch a break and get some me time back. I do think this would be a game changer.
My ‘baby’ is 16 months now and I feel terrible to say that I do enjoy my time alone when she is in childcare Tues-Thurs. Being needed at all times is tougher than I expected. But the break helps me to give her 100% when she is with me.
Im not sure there is a specific age where it all just gets better or easier. It changes. And each age has its own challenges. There’s going to be periods of time when your baby will sleep through and you will think you’ve cracked it. Then they will be teething and it will be super tough. Then they will settle again. Then they will go through a developmental leap. It’s a rollercoaster. The Wonder Weeks is a great book that explains your baby’s development week by week, I’ve found this really helpful to understand what my baby is going through and why they might be fussier one week to another.
Understanding your baby helps to empathise with them, they’re going through a lot too!
Re the crying, have you considered dairy intolerance. My baby would inconsolable if I ate dairy while breastfeeding, a few days off it and she was absolutely fine.

I hope you find a way to enjoy your little love and get the respite you need to find a happy medium in this incredibly difficult journey called motherhood!

@BrendaSouleyman don’t panic, whoever said don’t expect a full night’s sleep for 5 years is talking rubbish! My DS slept through the night at about 18 mths and all the kids of the friends and family I know have all slept through the night by the age of 2. My son’s 6 now and I’ve co-slept with him since he was 2. It’s a king size bed & I put pillows down the middle to prevent any kicking and we’ve both always slept great! Why can’t you co-sleep if you’re on an anti-depressant? Is it because it puts you in too deep a sleep?

Came here to say agree w Supporting2026. I recommend sleeptraining as well. Get a sleep coach if you want feel like you need the support in this process. More “gentle” methods of sleep training than cry it out usually take longer and therefore we have preferred CIO as total amount of crying is minimal. IMO sleep training is very effective (when baby is well etc etc) and can be done from around five months. I know lots of people will start shaming me for saying this but it is. (Good to remember that there is no actual evidence that sleep training damages children. On the contrary, when researchers set out to prove this they found the opposite: children who had been sleep trained as babies where happier and more secure in their attachement and on average slept a lot more than their non sleep trained peers!) My two children slept through the night from just a few months of age and as toddlers/ preschoolers now couldn’t be happier and more confident and secure in their attachment to us. They’re well rested, sleep 12 hours a night. Eldest I moved to their own bedroom at four months and youngest was in their own room from birth with a night nanny until 10 weeks then alone in their own room with monitor. This goes against the advice of the lullaby trust but otherwise I wouldn’t have slept at all as babies are so noisy when they sleep! You can look up the actual additional marginal risk of not sleeping in the same room as baby post 4 months and it is almost unmeasurable (read Emily Osters crib sheets). Needless to say if they cry at night now I will always check in with them as I know something must be the matter.

if this is not an option for you, (and it isn’t for many, so do what feels right for you) then perhaps you could hire a night nanny for a night or two a week so you can get some relief?

My nct instructor told the group that when the baby has been crying for ages, is inconsolable and you’re at your wits end, it’s ok to put the baby somewhere safe, leave the room and make yourself a cup of tea to recharge. I think this was the most important anyone gave me regarding having a baby.

Also naps do become a thing; they consolidate into longer chunks and you can catch up with life or just sleep too and restore. Agree with other posters that the sleep deprivation is the main problem and it gets so much less intense. You’re nearly through the worst of it.

Wondering why your nervous system is running at 300% at the moment?

Do you have any early trauma history? Or come from a dysfunctional family? Any previous mental health problems?

I thought I was a lot more healed than I was before I had my daughter. Spent the first year just rigid with stress.

I feel for you OP. I lived abroad in my 20s, moved around a fair amount, had my first baby at 35 after many years of travel and pleasing myself and even now at 50 look back on those carefree days with longing. However, I was settled in the UK and married when I had dc so nowhere near your situation. And I will say, I settled in a diverse city so have made likeminded friends and feel at home here. I would not feel the same where I grew up, which was full of people who never moved. Maybe that's unfair and I would have settled - but I do generally prefer city life.

I agree with pp you have had two massive life changing events in close succession and you have done them on your own, so this is bound to be a massive shock. Things will definitely get better with the baby. Your old life will not return but you can do things that make you feel like yourself again. Try to connect with friends, enjoy culture, whatever makes you feel like yourself.

I don't think I'd make a decision yet about the living situation. I think you are still adjusting to motherhood and a different place in the family now you have a baby. But it sounds like you have a strong urge to move so it's definitely worth considering very seriously.

OP visualise yourself in a few years, in the Jardin des Tuileries, your son renting one of those beautiful model boats on a lovely spring day . You CAN do this AND it will get better!
I love Paris so much too - bringing up your child there will just be magical.

I hope you’re ok. I was also an ‘older’ mum with a much wanted LO following infertility and IVF. But those first 6 months were so hard. It felt like there would never be a light at the end of the tunnel but I promise you, it does come! Your sister saying it doesn’t get easier is not helpful or true. It is definitely always hard but not in the same way as a baby. As they get older they challenge you but it’s nothing like those endless sleepless nights or feeling like you’ve lost yourself.

my daughter also had quite severe reflux and was on omeprazole until she was 14 months old. Starting her on that changed everything!

Look after yourself. It does get easier and you will find your way x

Of course it gets easier, don’t worry! It’s so annoying when people say it doesn’t. I have children who regularly talk back to me, misbehave at school and destroy our house, but that is much more preferable to worrying constantly about when they’re going to wake up and cry!! Because there is so much upside when they’re older! They do fun activities, you make friends with nursery parents, they say funny things and you can leave them with babysitters! I promise it gets better. Also, I strongly encourage a sleep and nap routine, if only to focus your mind. Even if it improves your sleep by 10%, it’s worth it!

If there is an option to go back to France try it. Could you sister or mom visit after a few weeks?
Seems like two huge changes together
A happy mom is a happy baby....
City living with perhaps good weather I think would be easier than you think. Can go to parks, museums, stay at home not so many choices in your town West Ireland. These distractions, options makes things bit easier with baby
Are you planning going back to work? Having creche would also be great help for you
Take care , mind yourself

It probably doesn't help as it was now a long time ago (1990s) but I lived as a single parent in Paris, then Amsterdam, then Trondheim (Norway) and - honestly - Paris was the easiest, it was set up with affordable child care. But as I say it all might have changed.

Hello, I am so sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. In my experience it does get easier little by little month by month. It sounds like you have a tricky baby and honestly those first months are very hard! I could barely make it out the house for the first 6 months so sounds like you are doing amazingly getting out to groups. Unfortunately the first year is just hard but it really does get alot easier and the joy increases so much when you see all the amazing things they do. My baby cried alot in the early days and a few things spring to mind. 1) has stopping the cows milk made any difference, if not then it's not likely CMPA. 2) have you noticed any other food triggers? My baby was and still is allergic to eggs and would scream for hours after I ate them and then breastfed him (this however came with alot of other symptoms such as eczema and blood in poo) if there isn't any other other symptoms then unlikely to be allergies. 3) could he be crying from overtiredness, we found that we had to be very strict with wake windows and support sleep alot otherwise we would get into cycles of crying and overtiredness. I often let him sleep in my lap, I got to go on my phone/watch tv and he napped for longer.

I found things get alot easier from 6 months. And then slowly life becomes easier/ you get more used to it. With moving back to Paris I think you will get funding for baby sitters in Paris. My friend has one that comes a few times a week for 2 hours and I believe this is mostly reimbursed.

With regards to the sleep, my little boy still doesn't sleep through. However, he sleeps alot better and it's very manageable. I found once the sleep improved I felt alot better and you also start getting your evenings back which make a huge difference. I would advise doing anything to make your life easier and just kind of do what you have to do to make the day easier. Eg. Give formula if it helps him sleep better, let him nap and you if he will take long naps that way. Perhaps consider some gentle sleep training when he is a bit older. I really hope things start to feel better soon!