Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

@BrendaSouleyman it DOES get easier- your sister is incorrect!!!!
Also - this is not forever. Please trust me when I say that - this is a phase. There will be a time you look back and think Wow that was awful but it’s so much better now!!

There is no reason why you couldn’t move back to Paris in the future. I also live in France and far from family - it is very very hard to be without support. Do whatever you have to do to survive this part, I promise it does get easier.

Buy in as much help as you can.
big hug to you and congratulations on your bubba xoxox

Op, you have my sympathy. It's a really big adjustment at any age.

I remember in the early days forgetting I had a baby and switching on the light in my bedroom where dd was sleeping.

I didn't get my head around the fact this was my life now until 18 months in. Please be kind to yourself and seek the help you may think you need. Things will change and you will feel more at ease.

As others have suggested, why not return to Paris in a few months? Where you may feel more at home?

I have my 18 month old here now cuddling in to me here, we are still co sleeping yes because she wakes a bit if it’s teething or virus etc but it’s a lot easier already!! She didn’t sleep for the first 3 months unless it was upright or on me it was awful. I felt like omg what have I done (and I wanted her very much) You just need a break and some sleep, everything is so so much more bleak when you are sleep deprived. Look for some help locally, nanny or nursery get them on the waiting list and even if it’s a few hours it will do you the world of good. Sending lots of love to you xx

This is great advice. Especially about the classes for YOU but that you can take baby to.

also, as well as getting freedom back, think of all the wonderful things you’ll be able to do with your son and the places you’ll be able to take him! And you will get there. You’ll be able to travel and do the theatre and all the fun things again, maybe solo but maybe with an awesome little person alongside.

also just to add my piece on the sleep - yes, they can still not sleep through at 12/18/24 months but it isn’t the same as that newborn sleep deprivation. It’s not “easy” but it gets “easier”

Also, I too was happiest when I wasn't with my baby. I actually remember telling my doctor that if a bear tried to steal her (WTF, I don't know why I thought about a bear 😂) I didn't think I'd stop him.

Things changed and I subsequently had two more children. Nothing was as hard as the first six months with my oldest. This is really, really hard. And you'll get through it,

The thread is too long to read and sorry if I’m duplicating but Cranial Osteopathy is very gentle. Here’s some info: https://posture-doctor.com/2018/03/07/craniosacral-for-babies-and-children/

I too was shocked at the dramatic loss of freedom, identity and the chaos that motherhood brings. I found the first 18 months dreadful. I took sertraline for a long time which did nothing. From age 3.5 things got so much easier. He's potty trained day and night, never has accidents anymore, sleeps through the night, has a short and predictable bed time routine, I can leave the room he's playing in safe in the knowledge that he won't be trying to finish himself off by inhaling a toy or eating houseplant soil etc, he will happily have a sleepover at my mums so I can go out for an evening. He's great chat. We have lovely holidays at the beach he can just dig and build for hours with minimal adult input. I built a new social life around him and the parents I've met along the way. But the first years were insane. I remember asking at a baby group, why didn't anyone tell me how hard it would be, i felt so betrayed by all the mothers I knew. I now understand that until you have experienced it, it is uncomprehendable. Possibly people might have tried to tell me but the reality and severity can't be conveyed through words.

There’s a great book called Twelve hours sleep by twelve weeks old - I had my baby as a single mum and I found it invaluable.
Also from personal experience I think it’s easier on your own than living with your own mother…

@BrendaSouleyman In my limited experience as a mum to one child, babies that age are usually hungry when they cry, unless they have an allergy or reflux, could it be that OP? Stick boob in mouth when in doubt I say(even if it’s every 5 minutes) you could just have a v hungry baby, my dd fed all day long and she still does now with solids.

Also, babies don’t have routines that young. I would say dd didn’t nap consistently until she was 6 months and even then she had to nap in the sling, she hated (HATED) the buggy, could this be why he’s crying?

Babies cry in public, I actually preferred dd crying in public because other people would distract her or even ask me if I was ok. If I was at home with her crying I would go mad.

It gets easier, I am not cut out to be a baby mum, toddler mum here and I love it now. I can’t stand whinging so teach my 16 month old signs, highly recommend a baby sign class.

agree with op who said cities sre better for babies/ kids, endless baby groups, baby fitness classes, parks, soft plays(when older), museums etc. go back to Paris and be with your friends, meet other mums. Could you pay for a flight to her your mum to come over to Paris and help for a bit? Can you afford any help like a nanny in Paris?

Just a few suggestions that helped me a lot (I am a SMBC of two - 16 months apart).

• Eldest had internal reflux - the best fix is Omeprazole not Gaviscon
• Both had CMPA - when i cut milk out from my diet/changed to a hydrolysed formula it helped a lot (I mostly BF but had one bottle a night of formula)
• Baby carrying is phenomenal for upset babies and giving you freedom at this age - try the Baby Bjorn Baby Carrier Move - its more supportive than the more common one which i found hurt my neck. I could baby carry my baby at 10kg in this,
• Have you tried a dummy - i used it on my eldest when he was crying before i found the internal reflux issue and it comforted them
• When they were both well - I sleep trained them both to some degree and had them sleeping through the night from 4 months. You can definitely do it from 6 months. If its the sleep deprivation getting to you then look into Cry It Out - loads of people nowadays are anti it but everyone I know who did it found it game changing myself included (and some of the kids are teens and very clearly not in any way damaged by it).
• If you aren't willing to do this - seeing if your mum will do one bottle at night e.g. a dream feed before she goes to bed so you can sleep through and get a full sleep cycle would help. You can use formula or pumped milk.
• Get out of the house for a walk with the pram every morning - helps you and also sets the baby's circadian rhythm up really well
• Look up the "football" hold - that worked for my second sometimes
• If all else fails and your baby is still screaming after you tried everything - pop them in the baby carrier and put some noise cancelling headphones on/listen to some music or podcasts with them. Sometimes babies do cry and there is no solution - and a podcast with a 80% of the noise cut out makes a huge difference to your ability to stay calm whilst happening (and the calmer you are - the more your baby might relax).

I'm not saying it necessarily gets easier - but there are swings and roundabouts. A mum who had an easy baby might have a super hard toddler - another mum might have a baby that cries a lot but a very relaxed toddler. Its not predictable but it does change - and your personality will also suit different stages more or less.

Reading this post made me really emotional OP. I REALLY do feel for you having had my first baby 3 years ago after lying on a beach for years whenever I wanted to. I really thought I would never ever be happy again and here I am with 2 kids and still feeling the best ever. Please do trust everyone here who said it will get easier, your baby WILL sleep better. I strongly recommend you to move back to Paris and live by yourself again. I had my whole family here to help for a few months which was the worst few months ever due to amount of people and just noise in my house i felt much much happier when they left... you really need to find your own routine, please go back to work if possible and please believe us when we say you will get your old life back!!

It will be great!!

I completely empathise with this. I vividly remember the feeling of just wanting to run away, walk out the front door and not come back. Anything to escape my life, not be a mum and have my freedom back. People would say to take an hour here or there or go out for an evening and I would think they were insane. I didn't want small pockets of time, I wanted a permanent break and to have complete freedom. Not just pockets here and there. I could never relate to the mums who couldn't stand to be away from their baby, it was like we were from two seperate planets.

The feeling did diminish as I got more used to being a mum, and went back to work. Suddenly I could take a whole day's annual leave for myself while my baby was in nursery and it was absolutely helped my recovery. The feelings have returned a bit with my youngest but I know now it's temporary. Hang in there OP.

I said about getting a little bit of your own time. I meant go for dinner with friends, go to the gym, not a walk to the shops. Can you plan something on so you have something to look forward to.

Then he cries.

You will be embarrassed but like all mums, you will get used to it. You will either calm him down at the time, or you'll just have to leave. It's not the end of the world.

Before you make any drastic decisions, just know that lack of sleep or even sleep disruption can cause a serious affect on mood and make you less resilient.

With the crying, other women can advise better maybe, but I cried quite a lot as a baby apparently, and I sometimes wonder if I was having a migraine at the time. Babies can have them, but there's no real way to tell (other than vomiting which might not be present with all babies). I now suffer from the occasional migraine as an adult and then can last a long time, like a whole day at least. Just wanted to mention that in case you've exhausted all other options. I don't know how they treat baby migraines though. Something to chat with a neurologist about since I doubt your GP will know anything about it.

Only you know what's best, but unless you have serious practical and emotional support in Paris, I think it's best you stay put until your child is verbal or a bit more independent. You can always move back. This is not forever.

I don't think the 'kindly' comment was directed at you btw. That was more of a generic comment aimed at those who think that a lot ,or most women rejoice at being single mothers, and are put down in certain tabloids for daring to go it alone. I think she was just trying to point out how difficult it can be for single mothers. Not a bad judgement on you.

Maybe get an au pair or nanny to help you over this stage?

It does get easier, I promise! He could sleep through the night any day now - plenty of babies do. My sister's two breastfed babies did after a few weeks and I could have killed her smug face. And if he doesn't for a while, the 3 hourly feeds will still tail off. Night waking might be a bit of giving him a cuddle or one feed and that's it. He will be less tiny and fragile if you feel like co sleeping would help. Does he have a dummy? They can be a great help.

When he starts on solids a) there's more chance he will sleep through and b)you can sit him in the high chair and let him look out of a window or be in the bathroom while you grab a shower or pee.

When he's a little older you will be able to give him educational screen time. You can also let him watch shit cartoons if that buys you a break. It won't harm him. He will go to nursery and you will go to work and drink a cup of tea uninterrupted.

My DC was also conceived via IVF and very much wanted and I used to look out of the window at people in the street with babies or children and wonder if they all felt like their world had been blown apart the way mine did. And I wasn't depressed and loved early motherhood, but it IS hard in the early days! I promise you will get there and it will be sooner than you think. Keep engaging with the health service for your PND though, because you don't have to feel this awful.

Are you doing/planning to do French/mainland European parenting? Being a single parent is SO much easier when you can put the baby in a playpen for a bit. It'll encourage independent play too.

And in due course, 8pm ish bedtime rather than the (to me completely insane) 5-6pm they seem to insist on in the UK, so they wake at 8am rather than 6am.

Obviously an English person will be calling me cruel shortly 😂 (not sure how it's done on the island of Ireland)

@BrendaSouleyman for sleep, I strongly reccomend you to put down all baby books and follow sound asleep guru on instagram, I owe her my life! She has past posts with lots of advice.

@BrendaSouleyman i hear you. I felt like someone had slammed a lid shut on my life after my first baby was born. I couldn’t cope. I had a husband to share the load with too. I wanted to give my DS up for adoption. I went to counselling. I told them that. I didn’t want to bond with him because I thought I had to give him up to survive. I thought he deserved a mumsy mum who would breeze through it all. Not me, who cried all the time, felt rigid with anxiety and wasn’t coping. I needed to get back to who I was before. Little by little I got used to the change. It took me 9 months until I saw myself in a shop window, pushing the pram and thought ‘I’m a mum now’.
I went on to have two more kids too. It’s really really hard work. It breaks you down and you have to rebuild yourself in tiny pieces.
My DS is now 18, standing next to me in the kitchen, cooking himself some dinner after revising all day for his A levels. I love him more than life itself and his very existence dragged my mind through the fire and out the other side. I’m different because of him and that’s ok. Please keep going. One day you will be standing in your kitchen with your boy too.

I truly think PND is one of the hardest illnesses there is. I had depression and anxiety before my eldest was born and I remember getting a plan from my therapist of things we had put together of what I would do when I was feeling in a depressive or anxious state.

That all went out the window when I had a baby. I couldn't just go out for a walk on my own, or listen to a meditation tape, or do some relaxing reading, cooking, baking or meet a friend when I wanted because I had a little baby who had to be looked after. There was just no chance to decompress or look after myself. I remember the day before I got admitted to the mother and baby unit, I phoned my GP telling them I basically wanted to end my life and then an hour later I was in a music class with my baby singing along to wind the bobbin up while in my head I was on a completely different planet wanting to kill myself.

I'm not even sure how I survived, but I did. And you will too.

Oh and I reccomend a bottle of pumped milk before bed to help them sleep. You could use formula as well, maybe call the breastfeeding helpline for advice on bottle feeding breastfed babies, they are amazing @BrendaSouleyman

I haven’t read all the thread but when you said about constipation I wondered if the baby would benefit from infacol, which you can buy in pharmacies and it’s amazing if the baby has any trapped wind. It was recommended to me by a pediatric gastroenterologist and it worked miracles for my babies. Might be worth a try!

It absolutely DOES get easier! The first few months with the sleep deprivation are the worst as it’s hard to even think straight. It got easier with every milestone for me…sitting, crawling, walking and talking. Each new thing they did made it easier. They become more and more fun too.

Take it day by day and don’t be so hard on yourself x

Oh gosh yes, move back to Paris where it's completely normal to put your baby in a crèche or with a child minder while you work.

You’ve had a lot of supportive, gentle, affirming posts which is nice but I do feel you also need a little shake (in a nice way).

You surely understand that by choosing to become a mother, particularly a single one with no equal partner, your life would be completely different? You made this decision very actively as a middle aged woman, you sound very intelligent and astute, you must’ve known that carefree weekends away and copious amounts of ‘me time’ would be a thing of the past?

When we become mothers the baby comes first, and we come second. You’ve had 44 years to enjoy life and centre yourself and there must’ve been a part of you that wanted more, or something different, which is why you did this. Can you remember those reasons?

I just feel a bit sad that your baby seems this much of an inconvenience to you only 3 short months into his life, after decades of pursuing your own happiness and not having to care for anyone else. And you’re not seeking ways of rediscovering a little of yourself, just pining after your old life without him when he’s so tiny and deserves to be cherished and enjoyed.

Do what you have to do to seek more help but in the nicest way possible I think you also need a mindset adjustment around adult responsibilities and consequences of choices.

OP, you can’t sleep train a 3 month old. Please don’t even try as it always ends up in cry it out no matter what the sleep therapist says which is harmful for small brains.

I think you need to get over your fear of the baby crying. Your baby’s crying ALWAYS sounds louder and more urgent to you than to any stranger (it’s literally biology) so don’t worry about others when you he’s crying. You will be able to feel that freedom again when you can strap the baby in and go about your business without worrying about him crying.