Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

As the mother of a 4-week old (so very much in the thick of it, “it” being PND), you have my immense sympathy.

Few suggestions:

• move back to Paris (Crèche is cheaper in France, your son can be put in there as early as 4 months, getting babysitters on weekends is much easier too as France is still part of EU and is on mainland Europe so has ample access to Eastern European workforce plus you would get tax rebate for using the babysitter) - as others have said the more you outsource, the easier it becomes (that’s what I learnt after my first, who is now a toddler)
• tell yourself every day “this too shall pass” - go rogue on your hobby (mine is swimming and that was my saving grace first time round)

All the best, this shit is hard so you are not alone!!!

And remember that some babies do just endlessly sleep for the first few weeks / months.
I guess that must make the early stages much easier.
Also a few babies are incredibly docile.
Again, if you’ve had that, I suppose the later stages might seem difficult by comparison.
But I don’t think either of those setups is the norm.

Agreed that children can cause a lot of worry later on when particular difficulties hit. Just like you may worry about one aspect of or another of your life.

But I struggle to think that posters saying it doesn’t get easier are thinking straight. I don’t think they are understanding what you’re saying OP.

Please be encouraged by the compassionate majority who know exactly what you’re on about , wish you well, and want to assure you that change will come and most probably before a long time has passed.

I have a 15yo at 57, it keeps you young!

This.
Your feelings are pretty normal OP and as terribly hard as it is, you have no choice but to deal with it and access required support when you can.
As tedious and monotonous play groups might be, they give you an opportunity to connect with other parents.
I was a young single mum and honestly thought that I was going mad at times.
Please take comfort from the posts on this thread.
Kindly, your experience should serve as a reminder to those who consider single parenthood as a choice.
Take care OP

It doesn’t last. Neither this feeling, nor this stage of baby. It feels like it does and that it will be like this forever but it won’t. It will go quickly. Your problem is that you think the next 18 years are going to be like this and they are not. Your child will, in all probability, sleep for longer stretches. You will reclaim yourself. The prospect of moving will seem more doable. The baby will start nursery, then school. They’ll become a child who can watch a Disney film the whole way through, or play on a slide without your help. Parts of you will come back to you bit by bit. You will look back on this time and it will seem fleeting. I promise!!!

I always find these Rilke lines helpful:

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.

Re mirtazapine, it can make you pile on the weight, which might make you more depressed. Why have they gone with that particular one, do you know? Usually sertraline is the one recommended to pregnant women/new mums. Worth asking about it as it has way fewer side effects.

I suspect moving home with your Mum, especially as you didn’t live close isn’t helping with sense of losing your freedom.
Babies are hard especially the first but I found my body got used to less sleep after a while. Now I just don’t need the same amount of sleep pre children. I’m just used to less. It does get easier but different over time.

Breast feeding is also freedom limiting so I think there is 3 things there adding up. Maybe try some formula, I had to combination feed with my first as I didn’t have enough milk and it was easier one I stopped breast feeding. I expressed with the second as she just feed all day long otherwise and third breast feeding was so easy. Each experience was completing different. Try not to compare with other babies as one is the same.

Babies go through so many phases and change all the time, each phases doesn’t last and does pass.

Maybe as a test you could do away for a few days. Somewhere more interesting, tests to see how you cope alone. It might be easier than you think.

Do you walk much with the pram? I found mine loved just walking around. Lots to look at and the motion helped them sleep.

I found the first few months really really hard with both my children. I only had my second as it had got better with my first and I knew it would do that with another. My children are much older now and it is absolutely so much easier. And it gets easier the more the grow especially after the first year. That doesn't mean it's not hard but it has been absolutely worth it for me. Take it one day at a time and focus on little bits of what makes life worthwhile for you. Baby smiles, a warm cup of tea, a sunny afternoon on the park, etc. Focus on your own wellbeing in terms of sleep, having activities for you that you enjoy. I watched a load of box sets as baby slept on me in that first year. Have never had the time to do that again.

I feel for you but this is all just wrong IMO

You are at the hardest point right now and it’s just about to start getting easier. Your exhaustion is at max.

My first was just like this. Cried, hungry all the time, hardly slept, wouldn’t lie down, utterly exhausting.

It started to get easier from about 5.5 months when I first gave food. Should have done that earlier because he was totally ready.

Around then I also got a nanny 4 days a week and went back to work. Bliss.

He had a blast of extreme grumpiness around his first birthday and since then he has been utterly charming - for nearly 20 years. Couldn’t have become a nicer companion or kinder, cleverer young man.

Oh also, people who are bitching about your age are completely wrong. I was 20 years younger than you and it didn’t help at all. I was almost broken by sleeplessness and PND and a Velcro baby and I also lacked the experience and wisdom to even express my unhappiness and ask for support.

I can still remember the sheer shock and horror at the dawning realisation of what I'd done. My DH still fondly recalls me walking in, handing him baby DD1 at 2am and announcing 'I didn't know it would be like always being at work, never able to go home from a fucking shift!' and going out for a drive. I was 26 and had severe PND.

I just wanted to tell you op that things got so much better as they grew. You really get out what you put in with children. My dc are a complete joy to be around, and I'm sure your son will be too.

What is wrong with you?

I hope you don't have children.

Could you try a holiday in Paris with baby before committing to a big move?

I took a while to adjust to mother hood and mine started in early 20s. Looking back I think I had pnd. Three children now, one is an adult and life has been good for many years. Keep going, take each moment as it comes.

Don’t worry - that’s unusual! I always feel absolute horror when people say things like that (not for anything they’ve ‘done’ but because it must be so exhausting)! I am a single mum to 4. All of them slept 11-6 at 6 weeks old and they were all sleeping 12 hours by 3 months with 4 hour naps during the day. I do think it helped massively that I switched to bottle feeding early on and that I was always quite relaxed (babies sense tension). The point is, all babies are different and you just don’t know when yours will start sleeping through. A lot of the time I think it’s just pot luck!

My second baby (now 21) cried an awful lot like you describe, and not just a normal cry, but inconsolable and as a result, I didn’t take him to many places on my years mat leave. He didn’t sleep through until 15 months, but was later diagnosed with a cows milk protein allergy, which explains how unsettled he was. I was a single parent (to 3, but oldest 11yrs older than DS2, then DD born 3yrs after DS2) from when DS2 was 5. I will say after the first tough 18 months, he never caused me a days trouble, and he is such a lovely young man.

I’d say a big part of your unhappiness (apart from the crying unsettled baby) is down to living at home again. I lived with my mum when DS1 was born (I was very young) and was so much happier when I had my own place. When you’re back in Paris, with a nursery place, occasional babysitter and a much more settled baby, life will be much better. Even as a single mum to 3, I have still enjoyed the times when they were young. Once the very young baby phase is over, they become much more interesting and parenting will be much more like what you imagined. I’d start planning for a return to Paris, I genuinely think you’ll be happier there from what you say. Good luck.

Firstly the first weeks of motherhood are hard and, I speak from experience, nobody ever seems to talk about how hard winter babies are - the lack of daylight combined with lack of sleep almost did me in - I needed sunlight and vitamin D badly to help with my post (horrific) labour recovery. The adjustment from no baby to with baby life is massive and I think that's the same if you are an independent spirit at any age - I have friend in her 20s who really struggled as she was at a different life stage to a lot of her friends- so don't blame yourself for being an 'older' first time mum. Added to all that you've moved in with your mum which must be an absolute shocker even if you are really close and she has been amazingly supportive.

Be kind to yourself. Speak with the health professionals. Take little steps of independence e.g. leave the baby in the bouncer or in their cot so you can go for a wee, shower, make a coffee etc without asking for help from your Mum. When you're feeling stronger in yourself plan a trip just you and baby. I've flown on my own with a baby and honestly it was a piece of piss... other than I massively over packed, because all I ever saw on SM was how hard it was to travel with a baby, so I had to lug baby and huge rucksack round the airport but you live and learn.

Finally, the thing that saved my spirit during those tough early days (noting I didn't have PND) was getting out for walks every day with the pram. Really helps babies get into a sleep pattern too (google settling babies nocturnal rhythms - you're at the right stage for it). Good luck.

What is all wrong in your opinion?

What a cruel response to a new mother who is struggling with her emotional wellbeing.

Please do go away

Brenda, I hope you are OK. I do think you have post natal depression because your words and tone and feeling resonated with me. I has postnatal depression after DD16 and she the awful colic and reflux and didn’t sleep for 15 months. I was demented. Also I kept trying to “fix it”, convinced that I was doing something wrong or that my baby was missing out on something and that was why she cried all the time and never slept for more than 45 mins at a time. I had twins exactly 3 years later who slept, ate, slept, ate and never a peep in between. They were textbook babies.I was back to work full time when they were 5.5 months old and they were sleeping through the night. realised that not all babies are the same. My sister who had four boys who were the same as my twins used to roll her eyes when I spoke about how amazing they were compared to DD. I also saw a CBT but I wish Is sought more mental health support from my GP.
Can I ask - did you have a traumatic delivery? I did on DD and that definitely contributed to the post natal. Your life will never be the same BUT it absolutely will become more than manageable. It will become enjoyable - the two of you will become a team. I would urge you to stay with your mum for a while longer as the support is paramount and you WILL get back to Paris to live an amazing life with your little boy in time. This too will pass… I promise x

PP, you went through the process of responding to a new mother who obviously has postnatal depression, and you didn’t think further than being an utter cunt?

What a horrid thing to say. No one can ever be prepared for the full reality of parenting, especially completely solo parenting, with PND. If you don't have any actual advice, why post - just to stick the boot in?

You preface a fairly cruel remark with "Kindly", but it doesn't detract from what I feel was an unfair and insensitive comment. I felt a very strong urge -need, even -to have a baby. I would love to have done it with a man but I never had any luck with men. My beautiful baby is here and I'm having a terrible time and asking for help and guidance. I don't believe you meant to be cruel but please don't be so judgemental and superior.

For the inconsolable crying, have you tried the 'tiger in a tree' hold? Worked wonders with my baby.

Oh love, what a rollercoaster you’re still on!

FWIW, my baby wasn’t a great sleeper, so I co slept and even at four she was still coming in with me- however, I liked it because she was there but not problematic. When she was born I was in despair, and co sleeping was initially done out of desperation. It got much nicer.

Things I found useful:

Wraps (length of cloth you tie different ways. Yes, faffy to begin with but then brilliant). Much easier than the pram particularly when she started walking, because she’d want to walk and then get tired, so with a wrap in my bag I could pop her up and down into it very easily whereas the pushchair became a liability.

The No Cry Sleep Solution (I used the For Toddlers one but the original is for babies).

Swimming lessons tired her out.

Missing naps meant worse sleep at night. And sleepy cues can look like activation. Mine often seemed wired when she was exhausted- she didn’t need more input, she needed rest. She’d fight it and I had to stay with her to make her sleep but it paid off. And frequent snacks as well- we still get hanger here after school.

Spicy food seemed to be an issue for us but I was never sure. She changed her routine just as I thought I understood it, and the first couple of years were challenging wrt sleep. Now she’s 15 (and since age 4-5) she’s been a great sleeper and has loved a lie-in.

It DOES get easier. And more fun.

It will still be challenging.

Finding it hard doesn’t mean you have failed as a mum. It just means you care. Being a mum IS hard!

I had awful black fantasies about her being stolen from my arms or the garden by buzzards, or similar things. The anxiety is real because you want to get it right and you might be getting it wrong! It will pass. Hang in there.You’ll be an awesome mum.