Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

Just a quick message to say, my three babies all were allergic to my breastmilk, the crying was horrendous, with my first especially it sent me into an absolute panic response. I'm vegan, and the doctors seemed baffled, until I reminded them that cows milk also contains lactose and cows eat grass, they don't consume dairy products! I switched to a synthetic formula, Neocate, and my babies all thrived on it. Stopping breastfeeding also really helped my mood. Unfortunately mine all still have dairy allergies, but we're all doing just fine with oat milk and milk alternatives. That formula saved our bond, I was really struggling.

Could you please send me her name and contact details?

Sorry in my post i should have added

Derry well woman have a creche - half day and full day you book as/when

They also offer different groups.

Minding mum does "time for mum"

There is also a few girls who work in creches in derry that do Child minding which would give you a break? Is your sister able to help out? Or Any friends? Even take baby a walk for a nap?

Also there is at least 2 osteopaths in derry and one in letterkenny

You say you don't feel unconditional love, but the fact that you are on here worrying about him and not allowing him to cry, shows that a strong bond is there, although you may not think it.

@BrendaSouleyman I haven’t read all the other posters post so forgive me if this has already been stated: move back to Paris. Gather your strength and your child, sort out job and accommodation and move back. You fully formed as an adult in a different culture i.e French to the one you’ve gone back in to as a first time mum. This is playing a huge role.

Also, am sorry about how you feel. Take things easy and be gracious with yourself.

It is really important to remember that different people find different phases easy. Newborn days with my first are ‘fondly’ called the dark ages because they hit me like an absolute ton of bricks. My relatively easy existence was turned upside down overnight and I questioned everything. Most of the stuff I said I’d never do (like cosleeping) suddenly became a necessity. Once my DS turned 6m, I loved it. Something clicked and I found my feet. I didn’t bother with baby groups, I just did what made me feel more like myself - walks, cafes, galleries. As my DS got older, I felt less panicked by his crying (which felt like a bear was chasing me in the early days). I realised that if I paid for everything upfront I could just leave anywhere as soon as DS wouldn’t settle. From 6m to about three years, I really enjoyed parenting. Then some three/four yo sass issues started and it felt a lot harder again. Please remember that it’s okay if those sleep deprived, anxiety filled early days aren’t what you’d hoped they be. You’re part of a club with many members.

I don’t think many parents understand why their baby is crying. My DD seemed to choose a different position she liked to be held in each day and I was lucky if I figured it out in time to stop the crying. Has pain between 4-6m was also intense for my first and I remember long nights doing bicycle legs with him. No idea if it actually helped. If the crying is too much, I strongly advise headphones and a podcast or audiobook. You can keep comforting them whilst giving your brain something to focus on and calm you down. You can try music too but I personally found it added to the stress and noise!

how you feel today is not how you’ll always feel. Please don’t despair. You’re getting to know yourself and your little one - that’s a lot of work! You will be able to do more and more of the stuff you love as your little one grows and you’ll feel that unconditional love creep up on you as your baby’s personality shines through.

well done for speaking to professionals and for seeking advice on here. How you feel is really common and sometimes knowing that alone can help you see things in a more positive light!

I hate to break it to you but many 5 and 6 years old sleep with their parents and either don’t know what is wrong when they wake. But yes a 5 year old is generally easier to deal with than a baby.

This lady could be your saviour. Try to follow her words of wisdom. Do not sweat the big stuff. See and do the smaller things that you find give you little and often happiness.

Firstly, you are an amazing mum and you are doing so much for your baby boy despite your own challenges.

those first few months are brutal and a huge shock to the system. You’ve gone through two major life changes- having a baby and moving countries. In fact nothing in your life is the same now so I can imagine how disorientating that is and must feel like you’ve lost such a sense of self. I totally relate to this and the loss of freedom is stifling.

i wanted to say its DOES get easier! New challenges crop up, sure, but as they get older they become their own little person, you can communicate with them, they make you laugh and bring joy. Don’t get me wrong they test you! But it’s not the same at all as those early days where you give some much, and get very little back, you are exhausted, your body aches and you feel like you don’t know what the hell is going on and you start questioning everything. I honestly think sleep deprivation is to blame for so much of these negative thoughts.

See this as a very difficult season of your life. I think it helps to accept it, acknowledge it’s hard, but know that it is just a season. Once your baby gets a bit older you will very slowly start to feel more like yourself. As they become a bit more resilient and less dependent, getting back to work and paying for childcare is a godsend and helps you to feel like motherhood is less all consuming.

sounds like you are doing all the right things. It will get easier, just give it a bit of time and try not to focus too much on things like sleeping through the night. You’ll find he will for a bit, then he won’t, then he will but it won’t be as relentless all the time.

You gave birth less than four months ago, you're exhausted and your hormones will still be all over the place. Over the coming months it will get easier, you'll find a routine and recover more from the birth. I had DD4 in my 40s and it did take longer to recover compared to DDs 1-3. But I did, and you will. Give it time and believe in yourself, be kind to yourself and accept all the help and support you are offered. I don't know exactly when it got easier for me but I know that it did. This is just a season and you have wonderful times ahead.

Some babies just hate being babies! My eldest cried a lot but as soon as she was better able to express herself, even just by pointing, she mellowed out significantly. She was then a pretty angelic toddler (my easy newborn, by contrast, was a…lively…toddler). It will get easier, little by little, and yes - it does get harder in other ways - but you do just learn to adapt given time.

I think you need to find ways to stop worrying about the future - be that the immediate future - going out in case he cries, or further down the line. Take each hour as it comes. If you go out and he starts crying inconsolably, you can always go home, but eventually he’ll cry less and you’ll become better acquainted with his specific cues and it’ll feel easier little by little..

You have lots of freedom between the time the mandatory vaccines are done and starting school before they fine you for travel outside school holidays. A single child is so portable. Go out and explore! Travel! Go out to eat so it's normal for them to be at a table in a noisy environment. Lower expectations that you might go slower or pause for a nap- you aren't going to climb a mountain but a gentle path, a plane, a train, a city break, easy. I never bought into super strict routines with mine and at 5.5 he's been to five countries, several of those multiple times. If you are happy to share your adventures, you'll have loads!

It does sound as if you might have PND and it might be worth a trial of the Mirtazepam and if you are not enjoying breast feeding then you have already given him the very best start and it’s ok to use formula. I moved to formula before mine were 12 weeks and I did feel some guilt but I now realise that I did the best thing for us all and I shouldn’t have worried. I didn’t feel immediate love/attachment to ds1. I was pleased he was safely here and quite proud of my achievement but it wasn’t really until I has ds2 (22 months later) that I realised what some people feel when they are born. I love him just as much as the others now.

All three of mine slept through the night (most nights) before they were 6 months. Obviously that doesn’t mean that yours will but it is by no means certain that he won’t. Only ds3 has ever come in to my bed overnight and only on a couple of occasions when he has been unwell. Very few of my friends have had hugely disruptive sleep once their babies were 6-8 months. My sister has the screaming crying baby that couldn’t be consoled when she was tiny but even she was waking for feeds and going back down again immediately long before she was a year. What I’m saying is, in my experience, it’s fairly rare for the type of sleep deprivation you are suffering from at the moment to continue indefinitely and I’m certain it will get easier.

Lastly, a pp mentioned that they wouldn’t want to have a teenager in their 60’s. I’m 62 and have a 19 year old. For most of his teenaged years I have been late 50’s or early 60’s and my husband is older. It has been the most amazing experience. He is my greatest joy and an amazing young man.

I hope things get better for you soon. Keep reaching out to whatever helps you most and don’t listen to too many negative stories.

Is there Home Start in Ireland? If you don't know, ask your HV. They can be an excellent support to mums with PND.
I know Paris is the ultimate dream but would you consider moving to a city in Ireland meantime? Might feel more like what you are used to in Paris than a small town?

So a later post. Mine was a constipated one too. But keep him hydrated and the powders and prune sachets. He also did well being worn and sleeping upright against me. I worn him as long as I could. This bit will pass.

This post nails it.
Please pay attention!
It contains the basic facts of the situation and you can trust it.

I haven't RTFT but I recognise you and I've often wondered how you're doing. I'm sorry it's not better.

I'm 45, and what you have written above resonates so deeply with my life now...3 school age kids, and a husband much like your sister probably. I'm also very perimenopausal. I've had fleeting moments of feeling like this in the past, but none so strong as at this age now. If I had a baby now, it would exhaust me. I'd always imagined if it was a first child maybe it wouldn't, but I have aged rapidly in the last 4 years and it's surprised me. Something to bear in mind. Hormones have a lot to answer for, I feel for you, I really do.

You have also had decades of freedom, it's a very difficult adjustment to make. As well as moving home. I think it's hugely positive to plan to go back to Paris.

Please put into perspective you are weeks into what is a 20 year project...can you relate that back to other parts of your life? What was the first year like living in Paris compared to the latest one? How did work life change for you from 20 to 40? Don't write your experience off just yet, you're both brand new at this and it does get easier, different and sometimes still tricky, but certainly easier. And also joyful, the first year is brutal, the rest just doesn't compare.

But in the most gentle way I can say this, you are his mum, you chose this and he needs you. (Sorry I don't want to sound mean because I know what an incredibly difficult time you've had).

On a practical level, in another few weeks he'll be weaning. Life will change all over again. Yes, stop breastfeeding if you want to (he's your baby remember, you know best!), you've done so well to keep it up. When I stopped BF it was like a fog lifted. Hormones again!!

Your life in Paris sounds amazing - working part time as your little one grows, exploring Paris all over again with new eyes, not being burnt out by full time work and parenting. Get all the help you can afford and enjoy the life you built. You will have a perfect and happy life together in just a few short years, all the lovely things you dreamed of, I am so sure it.

Sending love. X

It really does get better OP, I sometimes wonder if some of the people who tell you it doesn't are either a) forgetting how extreme it is at first, how precipitous it feels and what an almighty shock it can be or b) they had less extreme experiences in the early days, but then had more difficult ones later so they genuinely wouldn't have experienced it as things getting better. Or possibly they've just had a lot of difficulty in different ways throughout (which isn't most peoples' experience).

I felt like I had gone through a portal to an alternative universe and there was no going back, but time has proven that I was in fact still in the same universe and just experiencing it in a new way. Also an older mum but I've heard plenty of younger mums reporting the same. I feel very normal now and wouldn't swap being a mum for anything!

If it's the unpredictability that upsets you, that will change OP.

Children don't necessarily get easier in the sense that baby problems become bigger children's/people's problems, and there is always a new stage with its own challenges, but the challenges DO change in nature. What one parent finds the worst stage, another finds easier.

My mum loves babies, as she worried a lot about teens out at night etc; she said knowing the baby was safely tucked up was so much easier. I personally find children easier once they can be reasoned with.

Yes, it's really, really hard. But you can do it. This isn't commitment you can back out of. No one else can be his mother.

You'll start getting your freedom back in a few years. All the things you loved will still be there. Right now the best thing you can do is throw yourself wholeheartedly into this new adventure. If neither you nor your mother are working, you can allow your daily rhythm to be set by his. The more love and security you give your son now, the more you're setting him up to be a confident and self-reliant person who will be able to allow you a bit of freedom (and crave his own, too) far sooner than you might think.

You still have your flat in Paris - you know what to do! Your situation does not have to be miserable, it can turn out to be the most fabulous thing! Just think - you can end up having a bilingual child without lifting a finger - stick your baby into a Paris creche and then a Paris school - and at the end of it all, you will have a bilingual child, with the world their oyster - any uni, anywhere - compare it with the plight of a normal UK single mother, and not even that - compare it to the plight of a full family, who paid (ahem-ahem) a fortune (for us) for a minor day school at the end of which our children could not string two sentences together in a foreign language and it took 4 years of university to learn the language, plus a year abroad before they could apply for any language jobs.

A lot of what you write resonates with my own experiences of parenthood. It makes no sense to have children, as a woman, because it makes us so vulnerable - but we are driven by instinct and especially the instinct to nurture and love.

I remember being incredibly lonely as a new mother, and that was a complete surprise to me.

I DM’d you with more thoughts and ideas.

Massive hugs OP. I really struggled with being a first time parent too but it does get easier. I hated mum and baby groups too. I think what helped me in those first few months was leaving the house everyday. Going out to the shops/park anywhere but home. Especially as DC got older and could sit front facing in the pram and see the world (around 5- 6 months). Trying really hard not to stress. Understanding that the reflux gets better with being able to sit up and the GI tract maturing. Using child care when ready and going back to work and being independent from baby for a short while was also very helpful. Lean on the support that you have and remember many have gone through similar and have come out ok. Good luck.

Dozer222 She can ignore anyone’s posts at the end of the day including mine I’m just giving an opinion like everyone else a baby can feel unloved insecure if it’s not having any interaction I’m suggesting she gets help for herself as this is very important for the baby. Yes all babies are different but the op has admitted her baby is not bringing her joy if she doesn’t get help the baby could end up in care there is no point saying aww yeh op you will be fine eventually she’s suffering now and her baby needs her present and caring.

I agree with many of the above suggestions about routine, getting out every day, taking time to do small things you enjoy daily, etc, but I also remember one of the things I did with my crying 3 month old baby, and that was to put her in a front facing carrier (I had 3-4 of different types over the first 18 months), take her to the park, and sit on a swing. As soon as she got distracted by all the other children she would immediately stop crying. And my ears wpuld stop aching.