Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

One thing is say to you as @Dery said, was if the baby cries when you're out, so what? Whilst I'm not advocating for total neglect (!) one thing I did learn from having a second (not suggesting this by the way!) was that I worried far too much about my first crying.

There were times my second had to be ignored because I was taking oldest to nursery, or doing something else with oldest that was time dependent, and honestly, second baby just had to wait a bit. And I think partly because of that, she was easier. I do think they pick up on how you feel a bit and I think the fact I was so much more relaxed with my 2nd helped me so much as a parent because she responded to it.

Now that's easy for me to say because I was an absolute ball of anxiety with my first, worried about every cry. And that assurance you can do it and it will be ok comes with experience, which you don't have yet.

But I'll reiterate - it will be ok. 14 weeks is VERY early days. And I think it's often the very worst time, the tiredness really starts setting in and there's no end in sight. But it absolutely will get easier, maybe in tiny increments at first, but it will. Don't think ahead. Just worry about getting through today as easily as you possibly can. And if you take him out and he cries, stuff what the outside world thinks. Anyone who looks at you, if they've ever had a child, will be feeling huge sympathy and understanding. Hang in there. A 14 week old doesn't give much back. They cry, they don't sleep, they can't really do anything yet. As he grows the rewards will grow and the desperate sleep deprived zombie state you're in will ease. I promise.

Eh?

You don’t have to imagine it.

@Franjipanl8r Totally agree, not all of it is down to just being a new mum.

@Pleasealexa I mentioned this upthread- no worries that you missed it- but I work for an association which is not like a for-profit/private company, in the sense that I can kind of go back whenever I want. As a broad guidline, I've indicated to my boss that it might be in November or January. Depends on when my son gets a place in nursery. I work part- time.

@Feis123 I rent my small apartment in Paris and I have currently sub-let it to a tenant. I've indicated to the tenant that she might have it til the end of the year.

Re. slings: I rente several slings from a sling library, who posted them to me, as my mum and I are in such a small town. I am quite cack-handed and not at all confident with the buckles and straps of the Ergobaby embrace or the Izmi carrier, despite the lady who runs the sling library giving me an online tutorial. I ended up buying a Marsupli sling because it attaches with Velcro. It's not bad, at least it's quite user-friendly for someone as cack-handed as I am. The downside is that I can't front-face the baby in the Marsupi.
The baby often cries when I first put him in the sling but after jiggling him around for five to ten minutes, he usually goes to sleep. However, he'll then wake up crying. Which brings me to @Dery and @MathsandStats very good point, which has often crossed my mind: so what if the baby cries when out and about?! That's what every baby does. However, the type of crying he does is like "purple crying" and he seems inconsolable.

You really are in the most challenging bit in terms of physical fatigue and overwhelm and isolation and total sacrifice. So although other stages bring other challenges, it does certainly get much easier in those areas. So don't let other people talking about how having 3 year olds or teenagers is hard make you feel like how you feel now will just go on and on because it won't. You will get through it and 6 months is a huge marker and turning point which is coming up. Don't beat yourself up for finding it hard, you've had several huge life changes together. Either one of those on its own would have been a lot to cope with. I promise you it'll get better.

I don’t have kids but we want to have one at some point, and honestly the break from work is one of the main drivers. I’m probably being extremely naive, but I feel like the temporary freedom from work (full-time stressful job with long hours, frequent travel, and an overwhelming level of internal politics / dealing with diabolical people) will offset the lack of freedom a baby brings.

The thought of 6 months of going for walks, sitting in cafes, and having control over what I do with my day, not worrying about the latest deadline, keeping clients happy, performance reviews, and all that shit sounds like BLISS. Sleep deprived or otherwise. (Again, I know I’m probably being very very naive here. 😅)

@MangoesAndPeaches The labour was natural, very short (three hours!), and no instruments were used. I don't know of any baby osteopath locally in the north -west of Ireland, I'm afraid. I have no access to a car since my mother's accident (I don't know how to drive) , and in Northern Ireland, public transport is not great. There's an osteopath in my town that I have asked, but she only checks for tongue tie (and my baby has already been checked twice, at two different ages, by two different ICBLB consultants) for tongue tie.

He sounds very like my eldest GC who has a milk protein allergy, it comes through BM. She also had some bowel issues that were sighted by a small procedure. As said, you are in very early days, your vitamin and mineral levels are still getting back to normal etc. Some babies do sleep, at least six/seven hours once they start solids. It does sound like PND and I'd take any help offered.

Regarding your question with formula fed babies sleeping better - I don’t know as I didn’t breast feed either of mine, I went straight to formula. But baby 1 slept through the night from approx 8 weeks old and baby 2 from approx 7 weeks (I mean from around 10-10:30pm - 6:00am). It was life changing not having those night time feeds. It may broth trying formula and taking the pressure off you? It also sounds like your heart is in Paris - you should go back. Don’t live with that ‘what if’s’ in regards to your son there. Your emotions now could be contributing to his crying, a happier and more relaxed mummy could really help him. You also wouldn’t have been on the look out for supports in place there before as you weren’t a mum. You have a new focus now and you’ll find new supports there, new events to do with little ones, new friends and people to help out. Good luck, your life sounds incredibly difficult right now but be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to change it. Not eating lactose for example is adding unnecessary pressure to you - eat what the hell you want and bottle feed. Go where you want and if he cries, be kind to yourself. Check the usuals - food, bum, position, beyond that let him cry. Does he have a dummy? That helped us with both.
sending you strength x

Oscar Wilde said there are two tragedies in this life: the first is not getting what you want and the second is getting it…

Feel for you OP. More freedom this end 22 years in. Hardest job in world being a parent and lone parenting a whole other level let alone doing wee years at same time peri looms.

How you feel is valid but as someone said day at a time. Have you any options to get a rest? Could your sister help?

I'm sorry you're finding things so hard 😔 my kids are older(13,10 and 9) and I promise it gets easier(obviously as they get older it brings other challenges but nothing like that sleep deprived fog in the early days).

I started to do a very gentle sleep training with all of mine around the 4 month mark(pick up, put down method. I never left them to cry) and all were sleeping through the night by 6 months.
My youngest was quite a "cross" baby and hated being in the pram(reflux was likely behind this and I went on a dairy free diet as was breastfeeding and this definitely helped. Baby massage also helped him massively). I had him in a sling usually and because he was the youngest we just had to get on with it and he was out and about a lot. If he cried he cried, I obviously did what I could to comfort him but sometimes we were out and he cried. It's what babies do and I have no recollection of anyone ever being put out or annoyed by it.
It sounds like a return to Paris is definitely something that would help.

@RedRock41 That quote from Wilde made me smile. I did so want my baby. I just can't believe what I'm going through.
I may have come across as selfish- thinking of handing my son over so I can go back to enjoy going to theatres and cinemas, etc- but I don't think that's accurate. No matter what happens, my life has changed forever. I couldn't just hand him over and be carefree as before. And I don't want to hand him over- I simply want to feel that I can cope better, that he will cry less and sleep more and that we can both live happily and healthily in Paris.

I totally get the despair and my heart goes out to you. There were times with my first it felt unbearable. I got to three months of him not sleeping at all and him crying all the time and a friend of mine spotted my despair and panic and suggested a maternity nurse. We had a maternity nurse/ sleep trainer come for just three nights and it turned my life around. Many would say he was too young to be sleep trained at 3 months old but in 4 days he went from screaming all the time and never sleeping to a happy baby who slept through the night. The key was that he really needed routine. The nurse got me expressing at specific times of the day so that my milk was more abundant at those times and only feeding him at those times going forwards. Also he had very strict naps. And very strict bedtimes. I woke him up to meet those naps and bedtimes. Within a week he was a changed child and I wasn’t feeding through the night any more. So he slept through from 3.5 months old. With my second child I used these rules from day one and she was a happy baby and slept through from 2 months. For my family it was literally all about routine. They hated being fed on demand. And needed very strict nap and bedtimes.

My main message here is that you may not have to wait that long for things to get better. When I knew what the routine was, I built out lives around that routine and got to do lots of fun things. I got my sanity back.

I used to live in Paris (until recently) and have the best recommendation for a nanny. She is incredible and she also helped with cleaning and tidying too. I actually never asked her to but she said she didn’t like relaxing and would prefer to do extra things when the baby slept. Maybe you could head back and get some support like this?

Hi @BrendaSouleyman . I haven't read the full thread but I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way, I absolutely agree it sounds like PND, but life as a solo parent is tough you need to accept that, but it does get easier. I adopted my child, they came to live with me when they were 11 weeks old through early permanence so there was some uncertainty about whether they would remain with me indefinitely as there was still a fair bit of paperwork and assessments to be completed. That made me want to protect myself a little from falling deeply in love, but as time went on I couldn't help myself, I'm sure you'll be same. But you know lots of people feel this way but more often they have a partner to offload on.

Have you tried reframing the way you are thinking and rather than grieving your old life and all you feel you are missing out on look to the new adventure ahead of you. It's tough though those early days, I remember them well, one book that helped me was the baby whisperer, it was recommended to me and it seems to have helped my whole circle of friends.

My child is 8 years old now and I'm mid 40s and it's still hard at times, but I really couldn't imagine doing the baby years again now. Babies are exhausting as is life in your 40s, so you've got even harder than my st at the moment be kind to yourself.

It's still early days for you now but you will find your village, it will change as time goes on and it might not be practical support but finding friends who gets it is crucial.

In adoption circles there are solo parent groups which I've found really helpful over the years. Is there perhaps some group for solo parents via IVF? Being solo parents they're mostly online as no one to look after the kids.

I found the toddler/pre school years the hardest, but then it gets easier for a bit. Apparently it's about to get harder for me again as they become a tween , but it's ok because I know I'll get through it.

I'm afraid I haven't got any life changing advice for you but just wanted to reach out, say I get it and assure you there are lots of positives of doing it on your own which you'll find out as you continue on your journey. Hang in there, you got this. X

Oh bless you, sending so much love to you. Lots of wise words. IT DOES GET easier.
Looking back I think I had PND and I absolutely struggled with unpredictably and not being able to 'fix' the problem when LO was crying/screaming. My eldest had silent reflux and it was brutal. Things improved when he was weaned and could have solid food. Sometimes he had a backwards step but gradually life got easier. Those first few months were brutal, I had a good career and was used to being able to research a problem and work hard to get results, but that just doesn't work with a little one, it is a tough adjustment.
Some thing that helped me:

1. Trust yourself, I was so desperate for solutions to the crying and sleep I kept listening to many, many well meaning people. LO didn't know what to expect, if something didn't work I assumed I was failing and I felt worse. It didn't help either of us. Learning to trust myself and say fuck off (in my head not out loud) to well meaning people helped me! (I got good at nodding and smiling)
2. You are much more bothered by the crying than anyone else. I would be mortified if I was out and he started crying, I'd get more anxious, he would cry more. Try not to worry about what others might be thinking- most folk won't notice, some will be sending you strength(deffo me if I see a mum and a crying baby). The small number of dick heads with a problem are not for you to worry about.
3. I think you've done a great job EBF until now but an occasional bottle of formula will make zero difference. I EBF too and it was important to me but I think I put far too much pressure on myself over this, looking back I wish I'd made my life easier and used some formula.

I cried thru most my second pregnancy as I didn't know how I'd cope but baby 2 was different and didn't have silent reflux. I now have teens who are stressful in different ways. I love their company (most the time), I can take them out for dinner and have wonderful/weird conversations or go on a city break and genuinely enjoy their company.

I'd also say give the meds a try, you don't know if they help unless you try and you can always stop if they don't work for you.

It does get easier. First baby is a huge shock to the system and your lack of freedom does seem like it will never end.

i had four. They all slept through a core night by 12 weeks (11pm-6am) which made things feel much more manageable. There are restless nights but once you get mostly a core night most nights it seems easier.

Be consistent and keep firm boundaries and routines. This helps all of you know what the day will be like. My little ones would watch CBeebies bedtime hour with biscuit and milk, as soon as it finished it was teeth and story in bed. When they were 2/3ish I had my evenings back by being consistent like this.

Once they start school they are little people and it is much easier then as you can talk to them properly.

Each age and stage does bring its own challenges but you grow with them too. I’ve loved being a mum for the most part and I’ve been a single parent since the youngest was 2yo. Not always easy, lots of juggling but lots of fun too.

It does get better. I wanted to put my first kid out with the trash when he was about your son's age, couldn't believe I'd given up a life I loved for what I was going through. Like I suspect you are, I was terribly lonely. Would you get access to a mother's group in Paris? Would the mothers be more like you? I think you need to be somewhere with good public transport and the things you love, not driving in a small town after Paris? That on its own would be enough to undo someone who loved a Parisian lifestyle. Could you even try somewhere like Dublin for a bit, if being far from family sounds too difficult?

I personally wouldn't give up BF in your situation, bottles are an arse and if you're headed back to Paris the advantage of bottles (someone else can feed him) is basically non existent. I tried formula in desperation with my son, he did not sleep better, and refused it after the first bottle.

My son is 13 now. He has been an absolute delight (most of the time) since he was about 2. Even by the time he was 1 he was better. He's quirky, funny, thoughtful and has brilliant ideas. Him going to daycare and me going back to work was the best thing for both of us. I really recommend getting close to your old life, and figuring out the ways your son adapts into it, as quickly as possible.

I promise you you’ll get there, OP. I put a bit more in my other post but couldn’t scroll past this one.

Also I highly recommend bottle or combination feeding if you are struggling with BF. I was breastfed for 2.5 months then weaned, as was normal back in the day, and have never had any health, development or intellectual problems. You’ve done the main thing that makes a difference, which is the first few weeks. A bottle at 10pm and see how long they sleep. Xx

I haven't read all the comments, but I just wanted to let you know that when my baby (also a longed-for IVF baby) was 4 months old, my wife and I were miserable and thought we had ruined our lives. I promise you it gets better. You are in the absolute thick of it now, but it will start to get easier, slowly.

From aged two onwards, I realised that I actually enjoyed having a child most of the time! She's now three and a half and my wife and I are in total agreement that she's the best thing we've ever done (even though she still has nights where she wakes up...)

The best thing you can do is decide that you're only having one, so that each time you are dealing with a horrible phase (e.g. teething) you can tell yourself you will never have to deal with that phase again once it's over.

Do you have any female single childless friends in Paris who would perhaps enjoy a sort of co-parenting or godmother role?

It sounds really tough.

I became a mum at 42 and am glad I didn’t breastfeed. Meant I could get a full night’s sleep on a regular basis. Could you express milk and ask your mum to do the night feeds once or twice a week?

Do whatever you can to shape your motherhood experience around your preferences, so that you enjoy it. A child can’t be happy if their mother is miserable, so you can give yourself all the permission you need to make it something that’s at least intermittently enjoyable for you. Bon courage.

On the subject of breastfeeding, that may not be helping your kids. I found it compounded the emotional rollercoaster after birth and I think it contributed to my very bad pnd. I used to cry during feeds a lot. It would just wash over me. I’ve got PMDD now and it’s taught me a lot about hormones. Some women are very sensitive to hormone fluctuations so on balance it may not be best for everyone. I decided second time around to just do it for the shortest time possible.

Your post is so sad to read, OP. You sound so down. Things DO get easier! The first 3 months are most definitely the hardest. That doesn’t mean that there are no bumps in the road afterwards but it does gradually get easier. Hard to put a timescale on things because babies vary, but by 6 months mine were less demanding and beginning to be more independent. At 9 months they were much easier than the early weeks. Yes, we had teething, but that was a clear reason and I knew it would end and I could sympathise because it was understandable.

By 12 months they weren’t so much of a baby and were becoming a toddler. This brings its own frustrations but it’s so much easier to deal with. They’re older. You can speak to them. They understand a bit.

Think about the early days of anything. When you started a new job, did you ever think that you didn’t know what you were doing? Did you ever think you’d made a mistake and want to cry or run out the door? When you moved to Paris, in those first weeks did you never question your decision, never feel homesick, never make a hash of a daily chore? Being a parent is the same. You’ll look back on this time as something shortlived and almost alien to you as your son starts school, shows you his favourite things, excitedly tells you about his day.

Have confidence in yourself. Motherhood is being thrown in at the deep end, but we’re strong. Try to be practical in your daily life, eg take the baby into the loo with you if needed; leave them crying a little if they don’t immediately settle for a nap; don’t be stressed if they cry when out. You’ll be surrounded by people who have lots of experience of this. No-one will judge you.

Find some mum friends to share stories with; go to some baby groups; take baby out and about. Make time for yourself. Know you are still the same person as you were before you became a mother 🌹 xx

Those early years are the toughest. Takes you to the very end of yourself. In contrast pampers adverts have some believing its all glamorous Mums with happy babies smiling up, admire your honesty as it is extremely hard for many. Could you get a night away? Even once a month and have someone stay over at your Mums? It will get easier and your bond will deepen. 🩵 May be, that no one will ever love you way the way your son will. Would be amazing in a year or 5, 10, if you check back in to update and help another Mum going through same. Especially if that update is of you and your son in a Parisienne cafe having had the most lovely afternoon.
Grieve the past (full freedom), that’s valid but look forward to the future too, you have many laughs and adventures to look forward to as a duo and much to teach that wee soul. Also be extra kind to yourself for the forseeable. Just getting through each day is enough.

At 14 weeks he is so new still and unfortunately the majority still wake,you are doing nothing wrong and are responding to his every need Remeber this is his and your first time doing this. Just chill mama on Instagram is a good resource

I am close by (derry). I think you will find more mums in derry than strabane who are doing it alone and/or are older- on wednesday mornings there is a walk from foyle arena with "minding mum" open to everyone(look on facebook/insta) its free and you get a hot drink might be a good starting point. You can join minding mums if you know someone with a waterside address. In general there is a bit more on in derry (my partner is from strabane but my SIL comes here for classes too). Could you live in derry? If of course not returning to Paris