Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

Lack of sleep makes everything seem 100x worse.

I am a firm believer in doing whatever gets YOU the most sleep - baby will sleep whenever but you need to prioritise your sleep. If that means baby having their own room, baby in your bed etc then whatever works for you. Sleeping through the night is a luxury - do whatever needs to happen to sleep as much as possible. Even if that means outsourcing housework so you can nap when baby naps.

If you are better rested you will feel better able to cope with whatever baby throws at you.

I don’t have advice I’m afraid as my life (and start to parenting) is very different to yours; I had my eldest at 20. My children are now 13 and 10 and I guarantee it DOES get better. I think when you have children at the ages that your sister does it’s so easy to think “god, I’d take a crying baby over this bickering and arguing 8 year old”. I considered having a 3rd child because I love babies, why wouldn’t I want another baby? Then my period was late and I got a flood of memories of how hard it really was and I realised that no, I absolutely do not want another baby (luckily my period was just 1 day late). I’d love to go back to when my youngest was born and my eldest was 2, just for 24 hours, to experience it again for 1 more day. But no, I really don’t want to go back to that full time and really enjoy the company of my children at the ages they are right now. They’re awesome people. My eldest was such hard work as a baby, crying ALL the time, wouldn’t settle anywhere but in my arms and then improved hugely when he was a toddler. My youngest was a blissful baby who slept incredibly well, then he got a little bit older and was a handful (to put it lightly). Your sister is dealing with 3 children who are all dealing with the different struggles that come with their age groups, so 1 little baby in comparison probably seems like a doddle - until she REALLY thinks about it and remembers what it’s actually like. For you, especially if you’re only having 1 child, it really really really does get better! I’ve had days where I’ve said “it doesn’t get easier when they get older, the problems just change to something different” but if I were to honestly stop and think about it, it DOES get easier. That day when my period was late definitely made me remember how much harder babies are than children 🤣.

I remember feeling how you felt, with DS1 (who with hindsight was a very difficult baby, 2 &3 were so much easier in terms of sleeping and not crying a tenth as much).
Going to go against the grain and say, yes it does get easier, and much sooner than people are saying. DS1 was breastfed for about 6 months and it took an old school health visitor to say, 'he's hungry.' Starting solids gave instantly better sleep, and you are not far off the age when you can do that. Being able to sit up and wiggle around gave instantly better digestion. I guess he burped himself, and got over his colic etc.
What helped me was 1. Getting outside, with baby in pram so he could sleep comfortably. I walked and walked. It used to take me about half an hour to decompress enough to see where I was, and after that it was pure relaxation. 2. My best friend. We made a pact not to talk about the baby. We talked about everything else. I think she saved me. 3. Reading. Anything I was reading, I read aloud to the child. I didn't read books about children. It was mental escape without leaving the room.
The sleeplessness and the crying will get better in the next few weeks/months. Other things will happen, but by then you'll be a survivor of the worst.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
And I'd move back to Paris

This is a heart breaking post. I'm sorry for all the comments you're getting on here showing little sympathy, but on the whole I think everyone agrees that being a mum is hard.

im a mum of three, I had my first in my 20s, my second in my 30s and my third in my 40s. My third has tested me in ways I could never have imagined. Everything has been harder this time around, not helped by the fact that my third child has mild SEN and therefore that in itself has impacted things.

but also it's me, I'm older, I'm less gung-ho than I used to be, I'm too aware of everything that can go wrong and I'm in a constant panic. I'm also peri menopausal which does nothing for the anxiety. You're not alone!

I think in your case that rather than going down the anti depressant route, maybe you need some HRT? To help calm you a bit if nothing else. Also you need some perspective: your son is healthy and therefore things like sleeping will get better and life will get easier. When they pass the age of three they become cute little talking characters and you will thank the stars for him every day.

please don't consider abandoning him, it will be the worst thing you ever do and when times are hard just think that 'this too shall pass' and remember how much you longed for him. No one can ever care for him like you will, you're an amazing mum and he adores you! One day the rewards will outnumber the struggles and it will all be ok.

when you're able to, maybe think about leaving your town and going back to the place you loved living in, your surroundings aren't helping you.

women have been mis-sold the motherhood dream, but you won't look back. Hold fire and be strong, this too shall pass.

Hi OP, firstly, congratulations.

You sound like you are very overwhelmed at the moment and you have had loads of good advice already.

I just wanted to add a few comments.

It absolutely does get better, he will stop crying, he will sleep more and you will begin to understand what he is trying to tell you. But right now you are in the thick of it, and it won't all happen overnight, so please be kind to yourself and try and take things day by day.

He is 14 weeks old, barely knows he has been born and half the time might not know why he is crying himself. Re the silent reflux, it is a thing and if you have noticed he is much happier upright it could be an issue. Quite often babies outgrow this around 3 or 4 months. Also, if he is on gaviscon this can make him constipated so it is a balancing act. If he is opening his bowels regularly though then I wouldn't also be giving the lactulose as it isn't required.

Apart from the possible silent reflux, is he showing any signs of cmpa? Explosive smelly poos, rashes, vomiting, poor weight gain? True cmpa in breastfed babies is actually very rare and if you have omitted all dairy from your diet and aren't seeing any changes then it probably isn't cmpa.

How you feed your baby is a very personal thing. You have done an amazing job breastfeeding for the past 14 weeks. If you do choose to introduce formula you can also choose to combi feed and continue to breastfeeding as well if you wish, it doesn'thavetobeone or the other. If you are concerned re reflux there are anti reflux formulas but you wouldn't give the gaviscon alongside it as it is already thickened to prevent the reflux.

As for when he will sleep better, how long is a piece of string? Some babies do sleep through early, some don't. Being calm and consistent helps, but at 14 weeks and breastfed I really wouldn't be expecting it yet. There are tips for gentle sleep training for when he is older, but try not to overly worry about this for now. But I would certainly be trying to settle him in a moses or next to me so you can take your medication.

I know you say meds haven't helped in the past, but taking them alongside your therapy may help. I also think you should speak to your health visitor to see if there are any parenting courses or groups specifically for parents who feel they are struggling to bond or understand their baby. For what it's worth, I think the fact you are posting, and trying so hard to understand him, shows what a loving caring mother you are, even if you can't feel it at the moment.

Yes, your life has changed, you obviously know this. But he won't be this tiny for long. Everything is a phase, you crack one and they move onto the next. But also, every phase comes with new opportunities. He will grow so quick, he will soon settle in nursery, go to school, be big enough to jump on a plane and go on adventures with you. Or be left with a babysitter while you have your own. So while it feels like this is your life forever now, know that there is so much more to look forward to unthe future for you both 💐

I am so sorry about that awful Eiffle Tower. I thought it would be a little tiny thing and I can't work out how to edit it out...

Awww OP. I didn’t feel unconditional love or joy when my first was born either. I felt shocked and terrified. I found the first few months very hard. I was over a decade younger than you but I found the change to my life utterly overwhelming. I was used to being in control, successful, and then all of a sudden I had a very colicky baby who I had no idea what to do with. The sleep deprivation was hideous.

It does get better. At 14 weeks you are very much in the trenches of tiny newborn. They become more predictable by about 6 months of age - there is routine, there is structure, and it’s easier to work out why they are crying because of this.

my first born was frankly a high needs and unhappy baby. She was a joy from about 9 months old and I did eventually fall unconditionally in love with her and adapt to my new life. She was an early riser for ages which I hated, but there is nothing like that hourly waking you have with a newborn. It’s not the same as sleep before a baby, but reliably sleeping through from 8pm until 5am was the difference between feeling stable and utterly hating my life.

It will get better a lot more quickly than 5 years old, I promise.

Hi OP, also in Ireland with 5yo and 9 month old, on my own from the start with both. I bloody hated hearing ‘it goes so fast, this is just a phase’ etc because how does that help me right now????? My eldest had silent reflux, never slept, spent the first 6 months of her life crying that I wasn’t gonna survive it. My youngest won’t let anyone near her except me.

But I’m currently on holiday with them both and I don’t know when it changed but life doesnt feel hard anymore. My 5 yo makes me laugh constantly, she’s great company and, honestly, most of my friends are filled with resentment that their partners don’t do enough and I’m so grateful that it’s just us.

You will one day just realise that you’re not finding it as tough anymore. But my biggest lifesaver has been bringing my kids on things that I always did - we travel, hike, camp. Baby is also a screamer but we go anyway and she manages in her carrier, she can be put down now to crawl too.

I don’t have much practical advice but maybe just to give you a little bit of hope??? It’s frigging hard but so worth it

How often do you actually hear a baby wailing in public? This isn’t because other parents are doing a “better” job. It is because babies are little social butterflies and also little flirts - there’s usually someone willing to distract a baby, rock them etc in public.

Even if baby does get upset while you are out and about it isn’t hurting anyone.

Op I too had a baby when 40 and yes it’s such a lifestyle change, I was shocked how suffocated I felt at first BUT a cliche it does get easier! Pls op listening to all the ‘my kid didnt sleep through till age 5’ comments doesn’t help. my dc in the first months was v clingy and it was constant bf and lots of night waking, but we turned a corner at 4 mth, started having a proper bedtime which got earlier n earlier, and once was asleep then slept thru. Only teething then disrupted this a few mths later, but it was the odd night. All babies are different. You’re doing the right thing talking to professionals. Your kid is only 14 weeks, if it’s colic/reflux problems this should pass soon. Keep getting out, get a routine going, have a coffee n cake at baby group and take each day as comes.

I did and it was absolutely fine. They don't expect you to run around and play football with them at that age, you know!

@BrendaSouleyman

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My 3rd was not planned. For the first 8 months, I could not even look at her without feeling regret and thinking she ruined my life. She cried all the time, could never be put down…I had CBT, was on anti depressant and DH (very hands on dad) took 3 months off work. My mom is quite young so she helped me out a lot. But despite all the help, my life was changed. My plans. My freedom was gone…. From 6 months onward - constantly being held, crying, 30 minutes naps reduced. The daily difficulties do get better as they grow. However, the freedom you had? Going out at a drop off hat because you wanted a coffee? Wanted to nip to the shops? Forgot an ingredient? That only gets better around 9-10 years because you can leave them for a bit. Nursery really helped me. Best decision of my life. I also didn’t go out often with her.

I do think moving back may be a good idea, but what you really need is proper breaks. If you can afford it…use nursery, make an arrangement with another mom to give each other few hours breaks, use an agency. What you are feeling is so normal and do whatever you can to get through those initial years. She’s 5 now…And I go everywhere with her. Very independent girl. Does most things by herself. Time does not stop, so each day is a step closer. Once they are around 2-3 you will
start saying ‘it’s quite nice having a little friend to share my life with’ as he is your only one.

About to rush out the door,but wanted to get this in quick! Apologies if already been suggested,have you looked into a baby chiropractor? Can't remember exactly but a friend's baby cried relentlessly for months,2 visits to a chiropractor and there was a dramatic change, something to do with dis-, alignment in baba's neck/ back at birth, sounds similar to what you're saying with baby preferring to be upright, but no other signs of reflux. Just thought it may be helpful x

OP, I am so sorry to read this.
First off, I can reassure you that my babies both slept through (or at least 6-7 hours from 11pm, which was enough) from 3-4 months. Read Gina Ford, she is much-derided but her methods work and they help you put yourself first without guilt, which is necessary if you are feeling mentally fragile.

Secondly, things change remarkably fast with babies and young children. The thing that you really struggle with this month sorts itself, then something else pops up.

These very first months are all about baby, of course they are. But every time they drop a nap or you drop a feed, you get a bit more freedom back. When you convert to bottle from breast and so on.

Do keep engaging with the doctor and mental health services. You can’t give your baby back so you need to accept your new reality and adjust to it. Or you take steps to
move back to Paris, put your baby in nursery and be independent there. That’s perfectly possible in the longer run, no?

All the best to you - you obviously wanted this for a long time so expectations were perhaps of something a little more golden than the practical reality but that’s ok. Many of us struggle, and we get there. Hang in there, be kind to yourself and kind to your baby and mum. It’s a massive change and takes adjustment.

Would you consider stopping breastfeeding in order to take an antidepressant? Mirtazapine is super sedating initially so I can't see that really being a viable option for your particular circumstances. There are always new AD's popping up so there may be one that you haven't tried before. Your baby will still thrive if he/she is bottle fed. 😊

I think it's difficult to bond properly when you're overwhelmed. That's completely normal. No one ever tells you that you may not have this immediate earth shattering connection. It can take a bit of time. PND can definitely interfere with that process. As can being sleep deprived.

Could you go back to work in the near future? And put your wee one in Nursery?

I'd try to avoid getting bogged down with other people's baby/toddler/child experiences. Each wee one is an individual. They're not all nightmares. They're not all angels. They all have their own personalities, with things they love, hate, need. They're like mysteries you have to unravel.

There's lots of advice here that I hope helps you form a plan which will improve your current quality of life. I wish you all the best for the future. 💐

That’s not very helpful to OP. Everyone is different. When mine are 16, I’ll be 60 and 61 respectively and I know I’ll be a far more patient, relaxed and financially stable parent to teenagers in my 60s than if I’d become their mum in my 20s. (No disrespect to younger parents - I was just all over the place then!).

OP, I wouldn’t say it gets easier, but the challenges become different. As a parent to a 9 and 10 year old, I’ve also found the rewards are greater as they get older. You can have conversations, you see their personalities developing and you can help them learn independence. We’ve had our difficulties (both have complex SEND) but I can honestly say life feels more settled now than when they were babies.

Reported. Try and limit your crapness to gardening.

Why did you feel the need to post this?

3-4 months is my absolute least favourite age. They cry a lot and give very little back.
i think things start to improve from 5-6 months when their personalities start to emerge, and then they keep getting better as they sit/crawl/walk/talk etc. everyone likes different stages but 8 months onwards I have enjoyed a lot more than the younger phase (oldest now 3.5yo).
My first was a terrible sleeper and slept through from 16months but getting her to sleep became much easier for 6 months (after sleep training).

Hello, I’ve read in a rush so sorry for not catching everything. Did you say baby was 14 weeks old? In my own experience
you are very much still in the trenches, and your experience sounds like my first. You have so much expectation and assumption about what it will be like, and then the reality is your nervous system is firing all the time, the crying, the responsibility, and you can’t climb down from it. I remember my husband dreamily looking at my baby’s face while I could not even imagine that feeling because my nerves were utterly fried. The early stages are so so hard and your hormones are so so fried. What helped me was learning about oxytocin/love hormones, and cortisol/stress hormones, to make me realise most of the time I was running on the latter. Sounds like part of your stress is why is he crying. These things do improve as baby grows, but if you’ve fed, changed, got him sleep, sometimes you can do no more, and accepting the crying rather than solving it, and rocking singing whatever, so that you yourself are calm even if he isn’t, might help you. Occasionally they then feel our stress go so theirs does too. I also lived with mum in first baby land and the help was amazing, but confidence of doing it on own for baby no 2 also helped me. So as youre with mum for now enjoy your moments together where you can, and sending much love to you your mum and your baby. It will get better. The bonding will come. Hang on in there!!! Well done for reaching out for help. Let us know how you’re getting on xxx

That was my favourite age! Baby was hell but I loved the toddler to school age.

Stop breastfeeding. The baby will stay fuller longer and sleep through enough for you to regain sanity. (Ask an anaesthetist - it’s 4 hours pre op for breast milk and 6 for formula for a reason)… that will make an instant change to both sleep and your ability to have some independence get a babysitter or leave him in a gym Creche/nursery/with your mum… yes it gets better - but this temporary sleep deprivation is a killer.

Join some donor mum single parent support groups?

Remember the saying “this too shall pass”. At this age everything is a phase.

And good luck! You’ve got this.

I can't find your post where you mentioned finding it difficult using a breast pump but have you tried expressing milk by hand? I abandoned trying with a pump - it stressed me out - but I found that once I got the hand-expressing working ok, it became really easy and far, far less anxiety-inducing probably because I could do it at my own pace. It meant that I could go back to work for a few months to finish off some contracted work and not use formula so my childminder could look after my 4+month old.

I think it’s gets easier, sleep deprivation is hard! Yes you always have stages and phases. Single parenting with a baby is going to be hard. Plus your life has completely changed. You have moved area, into your mums house and got a baby. Could you get some independence by having your own home? Then maybe you could use mum for babysitting and you would get some breathing space. Definitely seek support from other groups. Maybe as life changes an area with more going on would help. But you can still travel and plan with dc just in a different way to before.