Who should share a room in our blended family home?

[Lost4Madness]

My husband and I have a 4 year old daughter. He has a DD 18years old and DS 16 years old who come to stay 5 days out of 15 (although sometimes less, depending whether they make other plans to go out and remain at their mothers). We’re about to buy our first home and I’m not sure on sleeping arrangements. My husband is adament his eldest DD is to have her own room…but I’m not sure who our DD should share with. Any advice?
PS there’s no other room to use as ‘bedroom’ except a sofa bed in living room.

Your best option op is to look for a 3 bed with a conservatory or a separate dining room that you can convert to a 4th bedroom. Or go for a shared ownership 4 bed property. Or find somewhere with a really large master bedroom and split it. If you can’t afford a ready made 4 bed, you’re going to have to find a way to create one.

Your DH is a prick. Why does he think it appropriate for a 4 year old girl to share with a teenage boy? If there’s sharing it should be the girls.

Partition/stud wall or sliding lockable doors to separate one room into two for the visiting teens.
DD4 who is there all the time has her own room.

"there's no compromise and he's not budging"
You've got your answer there, OP.
This is who your husband is.

I would give 16 year old boy the box room.

4 year old girl her own room BUT have a bed in there where you and DH can move into when older kids come 5 days out of 15.

So maybe one of those bunks that have a double bed at the bottom and single on the top if there’s not room for a double/ sofa bed and single bed?

Then the other room is yours but keep it minimalistic with room for 18 year old to have some drawers/ hanging space. When she comes to stay you move out of that room and it becomes hers.

I think you adults taking the hit of being the ones who are sometimes displaced is the best solution.

Chances are it will only be for couple of years as one of the oldest 2 will move out or go to uni etc. Also they might not want to come as often as they get older and prefer being in once place.

Just make sure no big deal is made of moving out of ‘your’ room to free up for 18 year old and that she still feels it’s hers.

I’d prefer this to someone sleeping downstairs. This would be what I’d do.

Hope you come up with something that works for you all.

OP, perhaps you are now finding out why your husband's previous marriage didn't work. As you are on the verge of buying, but haven't yet done so, this is your ideal opportunity to get away from this man and find a home for you and your daughter.

When a man shows you who he really is, believe him!

@Lost4Madness if there's no room in your bedroom for DS4, if DH wants this arrangement he sleeps on the sofa bed when the DSS and DSD are with you and your DS sleeps in with you.
Once DSD leaves school it may be that she comes less often and you can shuffle beds accordingly.

People keep saying the obvious solution is for the two teens to visit separately - but from that pattern I'd guess they're coming for the weekend, so in practice that would mean each coming half as often. Which maybe isn't OP's problem as such, but is another reason why her partner should be thinking about all his kids and finding them an actually suitable place to live.

Absolutely about the risk, and also how could either child feel relaxed and at home sharing with such an inappropriate room mate? Their needs for sleep and activity are too different

^
This

The mind boggles as to what women put up with.

And totally fail to safeguard children

Getting your own home with DD is the solution

They are half siblings not step siblings. That doesn’t alter the situation though. It’s all inappropriate.

Absolutely. The OP should get a two bed place for herself and her DD. He can sort himself and his other kids out without compromise.

The one thing you absolutely cannot do is have your dd sharing with the ds.

4yo should have her own room and the bigger room as a permanent full time resident.

18yo shares with dd or comes separately to the 16yo or one of the 18yo and 16yo sleep on the sofa.

The house is unsuitable there is no solution to this

Could you afford to convert the loft or have an extension on the upper level to make a separate bedroom?

Just seen your PS on your op. You give DD18 or DS16 YOUR ROOM (you could alternate it each time for fairness) when they stay and you and DH sleep on the sofa bed.

Why did you buy such a small house? Seriously. A friend of mine with 4 kids had to convert areas of his maisonette to suit, including getting rid of his private bar room. Yes I know… now his 2 eldest daughters have moved out and had babies and there’s only 2 youngest there so maybe he can get his bar back!

I don’t think OP wants to sleep on a sofa bed…

The only person who doesnt need own room at the moment is the 4yo.

Can any of the rooms be split into two?

Don’t buy the 3 bed house, its not suitable.

If you do:
DSD and 4 year old share
DSS box room
or a good sofa bed for living room for DSD if she really doesn’t want to share/ getting in late from a night out etc (which is reasonable but then thats her option)

DSS and 4 year absolutely cannot share.

I understand DH not wanting to feel like he’s pushing his kids out and at that age they will feel pushed out and could ruin future relationships.

DSD 18 isn’t going to uni (said in previous post) however even working FT isn’t going to be moving out anytime soon and also shouldn’t be forced to move out just because shes not going to uni.

As devils advocate here given the older childrens ages its quite possible he was adequately housing his children (in a 3 bed home which he may of owned for years prior to being with OP) until OP came along and they had DD. The blame/responsibility can’t always be placed on the man - OP also brought DD into the world and can take responsibility for adequately housing them too.

Final stance whatever you decide it cannot be a 16 year old boy and 4 year old girl sharing.

The teenagers don't come at the same time?

OP your DH is prioritising his own children over your shared child. His own kids have their own rooms at their mum’s house where they spend most of their time. What he’s suggesting is that your own child can’t have their own room in the only home they have. If you truly can’t afford a four bedroom then one solution may be your DD having one of the bigger rooms and the box room kept for one of DH’s kids along with a room downstairs to double for one of them to sleep in when they visit. As much as your stepchildren need to be made welcome in their dad’s home, they should not take priority over your own child whose only home this is.

But its the most sensible option.

Lots of people are suggesting splitting one of the rooms, I have zero idea how you'd do that in any house built in the last 80 years.

Most rooms just aren't big enough to function as a split room. Lots barely fit two single beds, without trying to partition it in any way.

Of course a 4 year old needs their own bedroom!
Can you find a property with 2 separate reception rooms so that 1 could be an occasional bedroom? A good quality fold up bed and a chest of drawers would do the trick.

Agree. I wondered from the start about the reason for divorce, as it seems once he’s made his mind up, there’s no room for discussion. Doesn’t bode well for the future if OP allows this situation to continue. The obvious question to be asking him is why he’s prioritising his own kids over their shared child. This is their DD’s only home. Why should she not have her own room ?