Who should share a room in our blended family home?

[Lost4Madness]

My husband and I have a 4 year old daughter. He has a DD 18years old and DS 16 years old who come to stay 5 days out of 15 (although sometimes less, depending whether they make other plans to go out and remain at their mothers). We’re about to buy our first home and I’m not sure on sleeping arrangements. My husband is adament his eldest DD is to have her own room…but I’m not sure who our DD should share with. Any advice?
PS there’s no other room to use as ‘bedroom’ except a sofa bed in living room.

I would be very concerned about your husband. Nobody of sound mind would expect a small female to share with a teenage half sibling. It's dangerous and insane.

Sorry to say but I think it is quite ridiculous for a 4yr old girl to share with a 16 year old boy, related or not! All kinds of wrong.

None of the children can share, I know that's not what you want to hear, but its a fact. Unless DH wants to see less of his children, you need 4 bedrooms. This means either moving to a cheaper area or stretching the budget.

I wouldn’t even let a full 16yo brother share with a 4yo sister.

Too many stories of CSA.

Your husband is a prick and needs to share with his son.

Put the two girls together and use the room divider bunk bed hack, I've seen one irl and it was really effective.

So why has the eldest daughter been given special treatment? The child permanently in the home should have her own space. It's blowing my mind that you've allowed the current set up, also that the ss mother hasn't kicked up a fuss either. I know I would never allow my teenage son to share with a small child and especially if the opposite sex even to protect him from misunderstandings etc. this was the stupidest set up ever

That rule exists for social housing for a reason. That reason is called "safeguarding".

4 year old will have to share your room IMO

A young man who is entitled to privacy. He can't exactly strip naked in front of her can he?

I was sexually abused by my older brother when we shared a room from the age of 4-7yrs. He was 7 years older.

Agree with this. It’s not blending families at all it’s bringing a new child into a situation that the adults haven’t thought through.

Another in the long line of MN threads where the poor kids are an afterthought to their parents sex lives and shoehorned into a life they didn’t choose

DSD isn't going to Uni, she's getting a job, which makes this set up even harder.

Beginning to think you're a teenager yourself

Thanks @GingerdeadMan , yes exactly that.

@mumonthehil I think social housing would just expect someone to sleep in the living room. That's the obvious lever left here that they're not using at the moment.

@JenXjenny I'm really sorry that happened to you. No one ever thinks it'll be their child but I hope the sheer weight of posters on here saying that sharing arrangement is not OK will count for something.

Could you use the living room as a 4th bedroom? If you use a sofa bed it could be one of the step kids rooms whilst they’re there but you could return it to a lounge when they aren’t. With clever storage (maybe on wheels and spin around).

Honestly, I do not know why your DH thinks that out of all the children, it's his DD that needs her own room?!?

Children of the opposite sex should share rooms past the age of 10 (guidance, not law).

If anything, the DS should be in a room by himself, and the 2 DD share.

However, they dont stay often, I dont see why the 4 yr old should be made to share when the older children are of an age where its likely they will stop coming to stay over.

This. No one should be sharing. If you can’t afford a 4-bed, then you need a house with a separate dining and living room. If this isn’t possible and the living room is large, then get a kallax as previously mentioned, or some sort of temporary room divider so DSS has a bit of privacy when he visits together with strict instructions for when the rest of the family can access. Could you get a loft conversion? Basically, you cannot afford to house the family you have.

If his kids only stay a few days then they share imo

If you can’t afford a 4 bed what about a 3 bed but with a dining room and have the dining room as a bedroom.

DD is the only one who lives there full time, she gets a bedroom. It would be wildly inappropriate to share with either of them.
His adult DD and his almost adult son absolutely cannot share either. His DD is presumably getting her own place or going to University accommodation fairly soon. I think you need a fold out bed, and they can take it in turns to have the spare bedroom and in living room. Lots of parents no longer have a bedroom for adult children, whether it’s moving younger siblings around, or downsizing.

There's no combination of kids sharing that works in this scenario 🤷‍♀️

Ideally, you need to find a different house where there's adequate space for everyone,even if that means creating an additional bedroom by portioning off some of the space downstairs. If that's absolutely not an option, I'd bring the 4 year old in with you when her siblings are there (though this is only a short term solution and will only work if your stepchildren don't decide to move in more fulltime in the future).

i completely acknowledge its HIGHLY inappropriate setting for DSS and DD4 to share.
we are private tenants recently had to vacate from a 4bed into current 3 bed we’ve been in for about 3 months now. Luckily, DSS stays up downstairs and mainly sleeps on sofa until DD4 wakes and send him upstairs to his nominated (top bunk) - that, or he sleeps with DH and I crash with DD4 in her bed.

we lost 2 of our children 14months ago and due to circumstances out of our control, found ourselves where we are now - something that was only temporary.
DH’s/Step children live miles 8 from us and we are moving to a home a further 10 miles out. It came to a head with DH when looking for and putting an offer into new house made the suggestion - one I’ve never been comfortable with and yes, some will point out is weak - and agree.

im sorry if I hit a nerve with people or stirred up memories/issues.

some of the suggestions have been really helpful, thought-provoking and others, although quite brutally harsh are true regardless.

it was good to get opinions from all fronts and appreciate it. Thank you.

None of the kids should share.

In the new house:
You and your husband have a room.
4 year old has own room.
Spare room - step daughter, and step son sleep over at different times and use that room.

Oh and just to summarise….our DD4 will not be sharing with either while they are there. I’ve told DH and mentioned we need to discuss this with DH kids as a family.
its likely DD4 will divide the bigger room with DSD18 who, when she comes to stay will have the room to herself while DD4 comes in with us. And yes, we are considering buying a sofa bed too!

how many bedrooms do you have currently? Could you put a partition wall up in the biggest room and split into two smaller ones?