Who should share a room in our blended family home?

[Lost4Madness]

My husband and I have a 4 year old daughter. He has a DD 18years old and DS 16 years old who come to stay 5 days out of 15 (although sometimes less, depending whether they make other plans to go out and remain at their mothers). We’re about to buy our first home and I’m not sure on sleeping arrangements. My husband is adament his eldest DD is to have her own room…but I’m not sure who our DD should share with. Any advice?
PS there’s no other room to use as ‘bedroom’ except a sofa bed in living room.

Get sofa bed for DSS to use and both girls have
their own rooms. DSS stuff could be stored in DSD’s room.

Why do the girls get their own rooms and the boy a sofa bed? (Ok maybe not the 4 year old as it’s her permanent home, but compared to the 18 year old).

The step parenting forum on here is full of such threads.
Second family a means to tie naive women to them.
So sad.
Sometimes it takes two children inflicted with such men as fathers for the penny to drop with these women.

If they separate they see that the men have zero interest in maintaining much if any contact with their children as they move on to the next mug they can find.
So sad for the children involved.
So short changed.

Trying to conceive.

I was a step parent and we had similar issues.

In the end our 2 DC had two smaller bedrooms, and DSC had the larger one with a double bed that doubled as a spare room when he wasn’t there.

I think the best option is….
16yo has own room
4yo has own room
Parents have their own room but sleep on sofa bed when 18yo is there

Agreed

I hink that sounds like a good idea @Comebypig. You can even get bunks that are a double bed underneath and a single on top, so the oldest could have their own mattress rather than having to share it.

The problem for you, OP, sounds like your DH's refusal to discuss or compromise. We can come up with all sorts of reasonable solutions but it's so easy for him to just "nope" whatever doesn't suit him. Perhaps that's how you ended up with your daughter sharing with her 16 year old half sibling, which is the least appropriate of all the options. It's really worth you bottoming out a solution before you go through with the purchase. And you can't do it solo with the support of MN, you need him to actually engage with the problem not just lay down edicts. Apologies if I am being unfair.

I want to add that the 4 year old girl sharing with a 16 year old young man isn't just a safeguarding issue in the obvious sense - it's a privacy issue for both these DC. They both deserve privacy from the other.

What child are you putting on the top?
A bunk manufacturer wouldn't recommend a child younger than 6 being on top bunk.

I don't know that either of the teens would want to be in the same room as Dad and Step Mum.

I personally don’t think it’s appropriate for any combination of the above to share. However, I see you’re saying you can’t afford four bedrooms, nor can you convert another room into a bedroom.

Bit tricky really…

So as 2 out of 3 are solely DH’s children, what’s his opinion/solution here?

Have your circumstances suddenly changed, OP, or did you have your dd knowing that you couldn't afford to house your children properly?

If you genuinely can't afford 4 bedrooms, then I think each child needs to have their own room and you and DH should sleep downstairs in the living room. This is the only reasonable solution. The older dc can't share together and it isn't appropriate for the youngest to share with either of the older ones. The 4yo could probably go in with you and DH for now, but realistically, she needs her own space too.

In the longer term, can you look at a lift conversion? Or partitioning one of the rooms?

Trying to conceive. Didn’t you discuss this situation?

you’re gonna have to take one of the bedrooms, possibly the largest or second largest and put a stud Work wall down the middle. It doesn’t matter if all that’s left is the room for a small single and either side with some clever shelving and under bed storage that’s what I would do not ideal. The space is gonna be small but at least everybody gets their own bit.

It is totally inappropriate for a 4 year old girl to share with a teenage boy, whether he is her brother or not.

Either the girls share the big bedroom for the 5 nights or so and son in box room

or

split the largest of big bedroom with partition wall for the teens and 4yr has box room with a mid riser on legs so can play/storage underneath

even when ghey are older they will atill want to come and visit. You need to find a 4th space even if jts a garden room. This house doesnt meet the needs of your family.

Your DD definitely needs a bedroom to herself, she lives there 100% of the time. She shouldn’t be expected to share with you, whilst two other rooms are empty 10 days out of 15. She’ll feel like a second class citizen in her own home otherwise.

I agree that this is a tough one, especially as you can’t afford a 4 bed. The only suggestion I’ve got is that the children move to coming separately, maybe three days each? Then they can each have sole use of the room during their time.

If you cant do 4 bed, and cant split the biggest room, theh 18yr old on the sofa as they are an adult.
Or is a loft conversion a possility?

Id imagine having either of the kids sharing wpuld be an issue with their mum was well? If i was ypu id not let eother share with my kid, ans if i was mum of the othe 2 i wouldnt be happy letting them share with a small kid.

Each child needs a room to call their own or they will stop visiting. Can you repurpose the living room into a bedroom for yourselves and build an extension or comseevatory onto the kitchen? Is there space to comvert a loft?

He seems to be saying that his 18yo DD gets her own room and his 16yo DS shares with his 4yo DD.

I’m not entirely sure why OP hitched her wagon to a man who cannot afford to house all of his offspring.

I can't reiterate this enough - do not let your daughter share a room with your husbands son. Do not do it. Do not budge on this. Please

Could the kids all have their own room and you and your husband use the living room as your bedroom too? I've known people who've done similar and it's been okay and presumably would only have to last until oldest moves out.

One of the teens could go on the top bunk and parents decamp to a sofa bed downstairs while the teens are there.

I don't think the idea was that the child and parents slept in the double bunk all together - it was to maximise usable bed space in the rooms available, while prioritising the kids getting proper beds (parents on sofa while kids are there).

Sounds doable if not ideal, and way better than the DS16 and DD4 sharing!

I don’t think your daughter who is there 100% of the time should have to share with you when 20 days out of the month your DH kids are not even with you. I think you should either give the girls a room each and DSS a pull out sofa bed downstairs or the girls share together if it’s only 5 days out of 15 then your DSD would just need to suck it up and share instead of having her own room if DSS isn’t willing to go downstairs.

“Section 325 of the Housing Act 1985 (the ‘room standard’) provides a household may be statutorily overcrowded where children of the opposite sex over the age of 10 have to share a room.” https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/does-the-law-set-an-age-at-which-children-cant-share-a-bedroom/#:~:text=There%20is%20no%20age%20at,including%20siblings%20of%20opposite%20sexes.

Your DD shouldn’t be sharing with her older brother, it’s a safeguarding risk and that is recognised by housing regulations. Also, as your DD only has one home she should be prioritised and given her own room, even if it is the box room. You need to put your daughter first.