Who should share a room in our blended family home?

[Lost4Madness]

My husband and I have a 4 year old daughter. He has a DD 18years old and DS 16 years old who come to stay 5 days out of 15 (although sometimes less, depending whether they make other plans to go out and remain at their mothers). We’re about to buy our first home and I’m not sure on sleeping arrangements. My husband is adament his eldest DD is to have her own room…but I’m not sure who our DD should share with. Any advice?
PS there’s no other room to use as ‘bedroom’ except a sofa bed in living room.

Your DH is being unreasonable by making final demands but then not providing a workable solution around the hard barriers he has created.

1. You can't afford a 4 bed.
2. None of the children are at an easy age to share so really should have a room each.
3. The four year old is there all the time so should hav their own room, their hours are so different from teens how on earth could they share with nocturnal teenagers!?
4. The 18 year old MUST have her own room as your DH won't budge.

What's his solution? If they're only there a third of the time then it's strange to have empty bedrooms alot of the time. Could you and DH give up your room to one of them when they come to stay and sleep on a living room sofa bed?

No matter what someone is going to be very inconveniced, and it'll either be you and DH or the four year old, which seems really unfair on the 4 Yr old. If he wants his kids to have a room each then what does he suggest for your shared child who lives there 100% of th time.

To play devils advocate though, I will say I was on the other end, a child then teen who never really had a bedroom at my dad's place, first my sister and I shared his room in a one bed flat then when he moved in with his affair partner I slept in her sons bed and he slept out at a friend's while my sister shared with her daughter. As kids we accepted it as the norm but looking back it was so shit, and I stopped staying over at about 16 as there just wasn't anywhere for me. So your husband making sure his kids have rooms even though they aren't there full time is great, but he's being unrealistic considering your budget and he needs to offer a solution.

I’d either try and get a house with a dining room or similar you could convert into a bedroom. Or purchase a shepherds hut or caravan to make into a garden bedroom for one of the teens. Or DD4 sleeps in DSS’s room when he isn’t there and your room when he is there (you can sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge then if you prefer). Either way DD can’t share with her siblings.

This sounds the best idea .

I can’t believe a 4 year female child sleeps in a room with a 15/16 year old boy.

The little one has her own room the box room and the older 2 share the other room. My children did that at their dads and no harm has come to them. Own wardrobe etc, they gradually stopped staying over as their lives evolved and the room became a guest room for anyone who stayed over and they meet dad for meal afternoons now

I agree with this but it sounds as if the op has no choice but to obey her domineering husband, she's already allowed her four-year-old daughter to share a bedroom with a 16 year old boy. This man already knows that she is unable to stand up to him and it looks as if she has very little leverage in this situation. I think she should leave the relationship but then she'll be in some sort of custody battle where he will do everything he can to punish her .... by the sounds of things

This might be outing but there’s 14 years between me and my sister and 16 years between my brother (same mum, I had a different dad..)

First few years my sister lived with her dad and would just visit. She didn’t move back in until she went to uni. My brother moved out after uni (went to a local uni) but moved back in a short while after breaking up with his then GF.

I remember the expectation was if they were both at home I’d have a ‘put you up’ in my parents room (which i loved), but most the time I’d just bunk in with my sister. Quite often I’d wake up to her in with me (guessing she’d come home unexpectedly/end up staying over).

Even now, we’re both married, but if we’re in the same house we’ll end up bunking in together. If I hear her husband leaving for work and we’ve been staying I’ll slip into her bed.

Slightly different view, but I made sure to have three kids of a similar age. I hated when they both moved out for good and got their own lives. The house always seemed quiet and I found it quite lonely.

The only two options are for your DD to be in your room when the 18 year old is staying, or for your DD to share with her older sister.

Renting a 4 bed is financial suicide and it’s totally inappropriate for your DD to share with her teenage brother.

Renting a 4 bed is not ‘financial suicide’ that is needlessly dramatic. Having a 3rd child when they needed to care for 2 pre existing children is where they’ve gone wrong. They can rent for a few years and look to buy when they’re not responsible for 5 people.

Nothing funny in this thread.
Just another man putting his first family first and not caring a whit about the foolish naive woman he is with now and his latest child.

Don't inflict him on another child.

I agree with this.
For the man, this third child, his 4-year-old daughter, is just a means to an end. Her function is to get @Lost4Madness locked down so that she has no choice but to take on the child care and domestic work created by him and his first family.
That's why he's not concerned about the well-being of the four-year-old girl.

I'm shocked you're already putting the 4 year old girl in with a 16 year old boy.

It's very sad your DH puts his eldest DD who is 18 and an adult above the safeguarding of his younger DD who is only 4.

If you can't afford enough rooms , you need to wait until the oldest moves out before you move everyone in together (although it sounds like the DS16 and DD4 are already sharing - wtf?)

A couple of years is nothing in the grand scheme of things but you can't continue with DS who is essentially a man sharing with DD4.

DD4 needs her own room or she is going to feel very resentful of these adults who periodically turn up and evict her. Its her home full time, she needs to feel secure.

What’s the current arrangement?

I have known parents take a sofa bed in the living room to allow everyone their own space.

Also, the 18yo is an adult…talk to her about her plans and expectations. I doubt she’ll be there 5 nights a fortnight for much longer

I can’t believe you’ve allowed that to happen.

Is there any scope to install some sort of cabin/extra room outside for the eldest dd? I know they’re not cheap but she is an adult and would be a good, independent setup for her. Everyone needs their own room, there really isn’t another fair or sensible option here. Your dh is being ridiculous prioritising the needs of his adult daughter who is barely there over his other children particularly the one who is there all of the time.

The son is his.

The ONLY way I can see this working is if the two kids share a room but only one sleeps in it at a time, and when the 18 year old is staying the 4 year old is booted out and sleeps on a little bed in your room. You made the choice to have a child that you don’t have space for so it should be you that has to share with this child, sorry, that would be least uncomfortable for the children. Otherwise you’ll have to have the big kids sleep over separately or less (one on a sofa bed in the living room).

only other option I can think of is building a garden room and putting a bed in there, or a loft conversion if you have space and budget.

Me too. 16 year olds need privacy in their rooms there is a high risk that your daughter will be accidentally exposed to masterbation or porn when he thinks she is asleep.

why don’t you have her in your bedroom on the nights he stays?

The current arrangement in case the OP never comes back is that a four-year-old little girl is sharing a bedroom bunkbed no less with a 16-year-old boy

I’m sorry OP but I’m surprised no one has reported you yet, or do you cover up this arrangement from people you know? It really, really needs to stop as of today.

It is not ok at all that a 4 year old little girl is sharing a bedroom with a 16 year old young man. I dont know what on earth would possess you to allow that to happen. It is so inappropriate and frankly dangerous.

None of these people should be sharing a room. The two teenagers at a push. But I'd have a sofa bed and the box room can be for them to store their stuff and decide who sleeps there and who sleeps on the sofa.

Yes exactly, what were they?

Agree, this arrangement is not appropriate, the DH is wrong

I think the alarm bells should be ringing regarding the fact that this guy does not care much about the welfare of any of his kids but in particular that the 4 and 18 year old DDs are not equal in his mind, as if he views the 4year old dd as a non person.
Genuinely, I’d leave them to it and buy a flat