Am I being unreasonable to question why preschool hasn't informed me that a male preschool worker is helping my daughter with toileting?

[GaqiNa]

This is a very sensitive topic.
My daughter is attending preschool and yesterday I found out a male worker has been helping her with toileting.
I had no idea there was a male worker looking after my child in the first place as he's not listed in the email the preschool has sent to me. I thought there were only female workers looking after my daughter and now out of the blue I find out there's a male in the room.
He's not listed on there website, I can't find any information about this man anywhere. I have seen him randomly when I pick up and drop off my child but I never thought he's looking after my daughter as he's not even listed as part of the team.
I feel I've been deceived by the pre-school not letting me know who's actually looking after my child.
Am I being unreasonable?

Okay. So what we’d need is what percentage of those 4 percent (ignoring that this isn’t Australia) also work in childcare or education.

Without that, it would just be illegal in terms of employment law, because it would be unfounded discrimination.

I appreciate the data doesn’t exist, but that’s exactly the problem. For a ban to be implemented, affecting men who have done precisely zero wrong, that’s the data that would make it justifiable.

Just a slightly amusing Freudian slip! English sense of humour.

Good for you for your language proficiency.

It's easy to be openminded until It's your child being touched by a male. YANBU I would not be happy about this at all.

https://spectator.com/article/its-time-to-ban-men-from-working-in-nurseries/

I think if it was a sudden change and its making you feel uncomfortable then talk to the nursery like previous posters have said. It seems a little odd that if he's a new starter that he would be doing these sorts of duties but you could ask about that when you talk to the nursery.

I think there has been enough scary news stories about male nursery workers recently to make one think twice before allowing a male do such an intimate task for you little one. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for questing it.

I wouldn’t like this either. I’d feel very uncomfortable and you’re right to question this completely.

You're the one saying that banning men from having intimate access to untold amounts of non verbal children is sexist.

So I'm asking, what is the number of children you are comfortable with being abused in the name of equality?

I’m saying it’s sexist because it is. Literally, is.

And as previously mentioned, I don’t make the rules.

As most abuse to children happens within the home, how many children are you happy to put at risk in the name of family/marriage?

We can all ask hyperbolic questions.

Is it sexist that men aren't allowed to work in women's refuges?

Well if 4% of all men are sexually attracted to children
And men who are sexually attracted to children are 2.73 times more likely to work with children than men who aren't
I make that around 10% of men who work with children are sexually attracted to children?

So of the 10000 men working in early years, maybe 1000 are sexually attracted to children.
And 3 were convicted of sexual abuse in the last 6 months.
Maybe we can assume there are more who haven't been caught.

Nurseries aren’t single sex spaces. Unless you’re sending your daughter to a girls only one.

Women in refuges have often fled a man. Children in nurseries aren’t fleeing anyone, they’re just at nursery.

Unless we’re going to make all settings sex specific, that’s not really relevant.

Refuges arent single sex spaces either. People go in their with their sons.

Maybe?

But maybe we shouldn’t use two different sets of information from two different countries to make “assumptions.”

Maybe, we should use tangible and relevant facts and not make employment decisions based on assumptions at all.

… and the second half of my response?

There is a world of difference between a women’s refuge, and an equal access nursery.

Both stats were based on the Australian study, but given the similarity between our cultures and daycare system, and the similar cases of abuse in daycare centres they have had, I would say they're applicable here.

So you agree it's ok to 'discriminate' against men in some settings?

Just not ones where they can, and do, rape and molest non verbal children?

You haven't answered a how many children you're comfortable being abused in order to accomodate men's feelings, since we are chasing up responses.

I’d honestly say find alternative childcare if you feel uncomfortable about it in the same way you would if you didn’t like one of the carers there

How old is your non-verbal child? 0-2 years old?

You may have a slightly different perspective with an older child, who requires personal care.

If you wouldn’t accept intimate care for your infant daughter from a man, why are you expecting me to be comfortable with a female changing my 9 year old? Unless you truly can only think of this from one side.

I haven’t answered that because it’s a genuinely nonsensical question, designed to make someone feel bad. Unfortunately for you it isn’t working. I am not responsible for the behaviour of the men you refer to, and no amount of trying to change that is going to work for you.

What we need is adequate safeguarding (such as opposite sex personal care being not being conducted by lone staff) and not just reactionary policy change, demanded by people who think that independent parents can randomly request a DBS, or have the authority to ask to see references for staff.

My non verbal child who requires 24/7 care is 15, almost 16.

So process of elimination.

You either have a SENd adolescent girl that you would prefer had female care. Fair enough, that’s what I’m saying in reverse (which is apparently unacceptable).

Or, you have a boy, and would prefer a female delivered intimate care despite not sharing genitalia with him.

Each to their own. But the only woman encountering my disabled son’s genitals as he grows, should be me.

His disability makes him vulnerable, for far longer than a non-disabled toddler in a children’s nursery, and I feel that vulnerability is best managed by a male who he shares those body parts with. In the exact same way many women prefer female only care.

It works both ways.

Or, you have a boy, and would prefer a female delivered intimate care despite not sharing genitalia with him.

It's got nothing to do with not sharing genitalia.

It's because of the unavoidable fact that more than 90% of sexual abusers of children are men.

How are you not understanding that @ChunkyMonkey36? It's surely not a difficult concept to grasp.

A child of either sex is vastly more likely to be raped by a man.

With my non verbal child I would prefer the person who delivers the care to be infinitely less likely to rape or molest them, and so I will always choose a woman, as my child isn't able to tell me if anything has happened or not i would likely never know.

You are personally able to choose whatever care you want for your child.

Op has had a man be involved in the intimate care of her child and had zero choice at all.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne

It’s not, but that’s a very different fact to the assumption that all men in care based roles are potentially rapists.

We cannot just exclude men from all settings until we’re satisfied. Single sex spaces exist, nurseries aren’t one of them. My cousin was SA in a park. They’re not sex segregated either.

Realistically, nor should they be. Otherwise we’re basically just extending that until we’re telling men to stay at home, because they’re a risk everywhere, which is a ridiculous idea.

I view both mine and my sons care not in terms of risk, but in dignity. I had an ultrasound last week with a male technician, and a woman present. I didn’t feel at risk, I felt that my preference would be a man didn’t have access to my intimate care for dignity reasons.

I extend the same to my son. It’s my view that he deserves to not have to show non-related women his penis, in the same way that I don’t want to show non-related men my bits.

PP poster is correct, we should all have the right to choose. But proposing a blanket removal of men from personal care roles, actually removes my choice for my family.

It’s not, but that’s a very different fact to the assumption that all men in care-based roles are potentially rapists

But they are. That's the inherent problem, which you just don't get with women.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne

No, I’m sorry but all men are not potential rapists.

Whilst the facts are that 90% of child sex abusers are male, that does not equate to 90% (+) of men being child sex abusers.

I genuinely don’t believe it’s reasonable to assume that every man is potentially a rapist or child abuser.

If that is what some believe, why on earth would we be having children with them to begin with.