Am I being unreasonable to question why preschool hasn't informed me that a male preschool worker is helping my daughter with toileting?

[GaqiNa]

This is a very sensitive topic.
My daughter is attending preschool and yesterday I found out a male worker has been helping her with toileting.
I had no idea there was a male worker looking after my child in the first place as he's not listed in the email the preschool has sent to me. I thought there were only female workers looking after my daughter and now out of the blue I find out there's a male in the room.
He's not listed on there website, I can't find any information about this man anywhere. I have seen him randomly when I pick up and drop off my child but I never thought he's looking after my daughter as he's not even listed as part of the team.
I feel I've been deceived by the pre-school not letting me know who's actually looking after my child.
Am I being unreasonable?

I think men in an early years setting is a great thing and an asset - and I'd happily welcome their involvement in my child's early years. But not touching a child's genitals against their parents' consent. That's a line nobody should be willing to cross.

And if they insist upon it, I'd have some questions.

I’ve never trusted anyone I don’t know well to be alone with my children

It's the people you know who you need to be most wary of.

It won’t be the fact of the opposite sex that worries the OP, it will be the fact that a man is much more likely to perpetrate sexual abuse on children than a woman would be, on either male or female victims. I would bet my house that OP would be just as worried if her child were male.

YANBU. I wouldn’t want a man I didn’t know in the toilet with my 3 year old daughter.

Women don't generally commit sexual offences on young children - unlike men as highlighted by recent high profile cases. I would be very unhappy indeed to discover that a random man had intimate access to my child regardless of the child's sex. I'd certainly take this up with the nursery manager OP

He’s not a random man. He’s an employed nursery worker with a DBS check.

And how many times have men who have DBS checks gone on to commit sexual abuse?

In the uk the rule is generally that two adults are present at toilet times to avoid accusations

you can ask if this is the case in your preschool?

you can get his full name date of birth and do clare and saras law and a DBS on him ? Would that reassure you

women have abused children in care-settings too

Since the OP had no knowledge of his presence until her daughter told her, he is a random man who hasn't been included in the nursery's staff listing. In OP's place I'd want to know everything about him including his qualifications and previous work record. A DBS on its own wouldn't be enough.

She cannot do a DBS on him.

Not unless he’s also going to hand over 2 forms of ID and a proof of address. And a form, with his last 5 years address history on.

I've never worked in a nursery that has required two adults in the toilet. In the majority of settings I can't imagine it would be remotely practical.

True. However many nurseries I go to have an open door policy so a child and one staff member are never behind a closed door alone.

Then you can find somewhere else to take your child. They aren't going to fire someone because you have issues based in sexism.

That's completely untrue, and based in sexism.

It's very telling that you care more about perceived sexism than the countless children who have been raped and sexually assaulted in nursery settings.

What percentage risk are you willing to take with your kids? If you were told they were 1% more likely to be sexually assaulted would you take that risk? 5%? 10%? At what point do you stop thinking about the poor menz getting 'discriminated' against, and think about the poor kids?

Nobody's talking about firing anyone?

I had a similar situation. When I accompanied my child to a trial of a nursery , there was a man working. When I viewed the list of all staff working there (all with lovely profile pics and ‘about me’ pics), no mention of the man.
It was enough for me to withdraw (and lose my deposit). I did tell them why.
And he wasn’t a new member of staff, I learned afterwards. It just didn’t sit right with me that the nursery weren’t open about having a man on the team.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a male nursery worker or a male midwife. I would also question as to why he isn’t listed that is very odd!!
weird how many people are ok with this.

@TheCheekyCyanHelper
Let's fact check.

"In the UK, the vast majority of sexual predators towards young children are male. Official statistics and research indicate a significant gender disparity in perpetrators of child sexual abuse (CSA).
Key UK Statistics (Male vs. Female Perpetrators):
Overall Prevalence: According to the Office for National Statistics (ONS) - Abuse during childhood in England and Wales: March 2024, among adults (18+) who experienced sexual abuse as a child, 91.3% reported the perpetrator was male only."

Is this "just sexism" because the statistics say otherwise. Female sexual predators of course exist but are statistically less common and are statistically more likely to target older children such as teenagers than young children.

We know that female staff can physically or emotionally abuse and this is more prevalent among female staff in nursery settings but again I would say that's also to do with the demographics of nursery staff and the fact significantly more staff will be female. So it's a biased pool to draw from statistically.

So these concerns are not unfounded per statistics on sexual abuse of children.

In my nursery we have one male worker and he does not provide intimate care and works with age groups where the children can toilet independently. If help is needed female staff provide that. As a male worker I'd say that also protects him from allegations as much as protects the children from him. So no need to fire anyone.

Yabu for this post tbh

I wouldn’t be happy either. They should have told you beforehand or asked you and his name should be on the website. You can’t be the only other mother concerned surely?

I think that on the whole, youre both unreasonable/not unreasonable

The school should make clear EVERY MEMBER OF STAFF THAT IS IN CONTACT WITH YOUR CHILD.

Lots of parents make choices on nurseries based on the staff. Plenty of women wouldn't be happy with a man working there, and can choose not to send the child there when they find out.

But what are you going to do now? Other than state that they should be upfront as to the staff working there, you can only pull your child out, or accept it.

They cant really discriminate against him, when hes working there, can they?

There was a male nursery worker only the other week in Bristol I think it was who was jailed for sexual abuse crimes against young children. I’m sorry but I’d be wary and concerned in this instance.

I think it would be a bit weird if he was adamant he really wanted to provide intimate care specifically.

I feel like he could say 'well i wasn't trusted to care for babies toileting needs, they treated me like id done something wrong' to the inevitable workers tribunal

I'm not a fan of male nursery workers myself though