Am I being unreasonable to question why preschool hasn't informed me that a male preschool worker is helping my daughter with toileting?

[GaqiNa]

This is a very sensitive topic.
My daughter is attending preschool and yesterday I found out a male worker has been helping her with toileting.
I had no idea there was a male worker looking after my child in the first place as he's not listed in the email the preschool has sent to me. I thought there were only female workers looking after my daughter and now out of the blue I find out there's a male in the room.
He's not listed on there website, I can't find any information about this man anywhere. I have seen him randomly when I pick up and drop off my child but I never thought he's looking after my daughter as he's not even listed as part of the team.
I feel I've been deceived by the pre-school not letting me know who's actually looking after my child.
Am I being unreasonable?

Maybe he’s an agency worker.

Regardless, I would not want a man changing my child’s nappy in a childcare setting.

At the very least, even if the website hasn't been updated, the OP should have been told that there is a new member of staff - man or woman - working with her daughter. That's basic communication.

She says they are at least listed on the website. I don't know why people are so keen to pretend there isn't a difference between men and women when it comes to who presents more of a risk. The stats are clear.

I thought that. I manage an education recruitment business and none of our staff would be on the website.

We also employ specific personal care staff, so I’m aware some settings at least do allow agency staff to change.

Usually under supervision/in a visible area/with a door open etc, but it does happen.

How patronising. I'm the wrong person to ask that question of. Don't assume that nobody else speaks other languages.

Of course anyone can make a mistake. However it wasn't obvious it was a mistake, given the word you used and your level of indignation on this thread as @Janedohzydo explained. Goodness knows what's going through your mind.

i worked at a nursery a while back and they didn’t allow the men do nappies and only allowed them assist with boys who needed help potty training - and the female staff we’re pissed off cus felt his job was easier than there’s as he didn’t have to do all the same tasks or have a nappy shift 🤷‍♀️

can’t please everyone op

if they do this there they aren’t going to change their policy for 1 parent so if you don’t like it find a nursery that doesn’t have men ?

I think with these situations you need to look at bigger picture - over all safeguarding not specifically about this one man

like in the nursery my kids go to the changing area is open into the room so staff are seen when in there and can’t be alone - they have a policy that nobody can ever be alone with a child - the sleep rooms have cameras that you can see on big screens in the office and the main rooms

Staff phones are taken at start of shifts and locked away

there is only 1 work ipad per room and these are checked monthly by management

these things matter more to me than if there is a man there - as these are the steps that would help stop anyone abusing a child - 1:1 access should be basically impossible

I’m just trying to remain logical here. Knowing the guys name is on the website won’t make her daughter any more or less unsafe.

How helpful would him being on the website even be? Knowing he is Mr Bloggs doesn’t change anything, really.

What I would want to know, for any staff working with my child, is that the relevant compliance and qualification checks have been done.

To be fair we don't know there wasnt a female chaperone or another female in the toilets as yet, there may have been but a 3 yr old wouldn't know of the significance if imparting that bit of info...there may have been several children using the toilet, maybe the 3 yr old normally cleans themselves but needed a bit of unexpected help that time and he had to step in. There are so many missing pieces of this story to be able.to alleviate or raise concerns, best course of action is to speak to the nursery, in reality she won't be the first to question a man working there as unfortunately it is a rare occurance but given that's the case I'm sure the nursery has covered all bases with risk, for both the children and their employee

I agree, but it would mean that she was at least aware that he was in charge of her child, so if she had any objections, she could voice them.

It's a fact that children are at more risk from males, so she should have had the choice, right? So, I personally think it is a bigger deal that this male is not listed than it would be if a female worker were not, even though chances are he's absolutely fine.

I would want to know who is looking after my child - male or female.
That's not unreasonable.

He’s a strange man to the OP because she was made aware of and introduced to all the other staff caring for her daughter. This is pretty normal for a nursery particularly an intimate care setting. It’s your baby, most parents care about who they’re left with.

I find it really weird you don’t see the issue. If you had carers for your mum and were introduced to and knew all of them. And one day went around to find a man you’d never met before or heard of bathing your naked mum - you’d really think, oh he’s totally legit, I’ll just let him crack on?

Aren't you hilarious.

Probably because female teachers aid little boys with toileting in most nurseries and if they say only men cannot do this for the opposite sex then that means male workers are less useful, less hired and therefore discriminated against (when you look at the effects of them being less useful staff due to bans on specific tasks).

For me it would depend on what the setup of the nursery is
For ours you could see into the toilet area, and the policy was for two staff members to be in that area if a child was being wiped or nappy being changed to reduce risk
The staff also had phones locked away at beginning of shift
We felt that it was enough to mitigate risk- particularly with the amount of staff normally on shift at one time
However there were two absolutely lovely male nursery workers who my child missed in her reception year.

My question would be, why is a male nursery staff member taking little girls to the toilet at all?

He's a stranger. An adult male stranger. I know we're supposed to pretend this is all perfectly normal, but it really aint.

I have a disabled son who requires intimate care, which he receives from both men and women.

I have absolutely no idea if his school has an agency TA in one day who does it, who wouldn’t be listed on a website, and he has absolutely no way of telling me.

IMO we have to either trust that the settings we trust with our children are doing the things necessary to safeguard them - or not send them.

In the situation you describe, as with my son, my concern would be that they’re trained and qualified for that work, and that the right compliance had been completed.

If I turn up and there’s a plumber bathing my mother, I’m gonna have some questions. If it’s a carer, then I’d just want to know it’s being done properly and safely.

I've messaged my NCT group off the back of this thread. There's 5 different nurseries. We've all been told of changes to our child's keyworker, but not to overall changes in the room. My nursery give updates on permanent changes, like "Anna has been promoted so will move from preschool to lead babies, so Samantha will be moving from Toddlers to take her place in Preschool", but not for temporary changes. There's two floating members of staff that I'm aware of, a male and a female, but we're never aware of what room they're in on any given day.

My sons nursery has a male worker but he's not involved in support around toileting and only works with children old enough to toilet independently. This was explained to me when I was seeing around.

How old is that? How does that even work in practice? Lots of my son's friends are old enough to toilet alone but need help with wiping. They're about to leave preschool for school. I think most places check that they've wiped okay? So really he just doesn't have to do any nappies or toilet trips? That seems so unlikely in practice...

@AgnesMcDoo you are just being obtuse. There are minimal women involved in the abuse of toddlers & often those involved are sending photos over to men. It’s pretty much unheard of for women to have a sexual interest in toddlers. Sadly it seems that some men do indeed have a preference for children & that includes babies. So I think OP is right to question why a male worker has not been listed on the website.

Do you think the nursery response will be “because he’s a known paedophile and we’re trying to keep that secret”?

if you dont have the common sense to know, consult crime figures. its the men who are the sexual predators, Not the women...

Im im talking 9 /10 times.

Thats why it wouldnt be an issue for a woman to toilet train a boy / but would be for a man to toilet train a girl. If the parent is okay with that, All good. If not, she has the right to say.

See the nursery manager and ask them why this is happening. Tell them you aren’t comfortable with the situation as you are unaware of who this man is, he isn’t even on their website as a member of staff. Tell them you are not giving permission for your dd to be toileted by this man.

Yanbu to be worried about this. I too would feel weird and uncomfortable. You can't help how you feel. There is a similar thread on the feminist board and the majority feel the same as us.

The nursery should always tell you if there are new staff or staff are moving rooms. Regardless of their gender!

If there is a male worker I would expect him to have the same duties and responsibilities as female staff though, including nappies and toileting.

Our nursery staff aren't ever alone with the kids, the toilets and changing stations are all visible from the rooms and the kids that need help tend to all troop out to the toilets together.

To be fair, you’d be going to the police if he was whipping her, so it’s quite a mistake.

And even more by family members