Never been to preschool

[lisa270988]

Hi my 4 year old who starts school in September has never been to preschool! I have tried a few times but he never got on and I never liked them! He is very social and we go to lots of groups ect. Has anyone never sent their child and did they settle ok at school? Also did the school contact you about visiting ect I'm worried because he hasn't been to any preschools he will miss out on visiting the school before he starts as know preschools often do this.
Will I have a chance to speak to the school/teacher about this

How much time has he spent away from you? Does he spend time with other adults eg grandparents?
What will you do while he’s at school? Is that something you’re worried about?

DD only did two mornings a week at a preschool room in a private nursery for the year before school and I worried a lot nearer the time that it hadn’t been enough but she was absolutely fine and adored school from the first morning.

At her school they do a half day transition day and you meet them for lunch at the end of the previous term but they do full days from the start of the year. It’s very play based and a lot of time outside to begin with.

I was a nursery nurse in a reception class in the 00s even then I can only remember 1 child that hadn’t been to a nursery/ child minder or preschool and he really struggled. It’s such a hard thing for children being with mum all day then suddenly having to go 6 hours without seeing their primary carer! It’s even more of a struggle for some to understand simple rules that others find easy like putting your hand up and asking to go to the toilet or even just sitting amongst peers eating lunch with no adult. Have you thought about just two half days of formal childcare?

It sounds like not driving is really limiting what you're able to do. I would look into correcting that first as a priority.

I'm not able to drive due to a health condition

Given that, there may not be that much difference for him other than not being used to being without you. My kids did a few groups that were like that when younger. they did not do much for them developmentally but fortunately I got them into a good nursery for the year before Reception. It is unusual for children not to be in some kind of nursery/pre-school setting before reception, over 90% of 3-4 yr olds attend. But the benefit of group based pre-school is in learning to interact with peers, following instructions as a group, sitting and listening, etc. which will be happening a lot less if they are in a big room with 18 month olds.

You can look up what the early years framework is supposed to cover in terms of prep for nursery and make sure you're covering it with him. If you're with him all day you've probably covered things like counting and vocabulary to a greater extent than a nursery would have but interaction with peers may be less well covered along with doing things together in a group, especially sitting and listening then following instructions. If you don't already, I would try and spend a fair bit of time with other kids his age and encourage cooperation and talking to resolve disputes (which at this age means things like asking and sharing rather than snatching, saying and respecting "No" instead of hitting, etc.). and if you can, spending time apart so he gets used to being without you.

But in the end, he will adapt regardless, it will just be a steeper curve for him for that first year.

The main challenge I can see is being used to being part of a class where his needs and wants won’t be met immediately.

If you can find any activities where he needs to be left I would suggest that as a way to ease him in. Does he get left without you or his dad at friends houses or relatives?

I can't drive due to a health condition. You have to sign up for nursery a lot in advance for good ones. My friend teaches reception and says you can tell those that have been to nursery and preschool and those that haven't. The ones that haven't been anywhere really struggle to adjust, it's such a big change for them. Be prepared for a lot of emotions and challenges. Navigating the social dynamics for the first time without you there will be hard.

The other thing to consider is that if he's never been to nursery / pre school there's a good chance the first year of school is going to be full of bugs and illnesses. As he's not been around the usual nursery germs.

@mathanxiety One of the massive issues in some YR classes is that some dc are patently not ready for school and cannot play cooperatively. They have poor speech and cannot concentrate for more than a nano second. Many teachers are lamenting the poor readiness of dc for school. Skilled staff will assess dc very quickly and hopefully try and separate out ready dc from the ones who are struggling. But - YR is not full of school ready dc these days. Annoying ones who snatch, hit, interfere and generally upset other dc are likely to be present.

My child never went to nursery and was fine with school. We did lots of stay and play type sessions during a typical week (our church, another local church and a children's centre one) and he went to childminders one-two days. Provided he's mixed with other children a bit, he'll be fine.

Settle in days;
depends on school, in my area most do half days, 2 mornings, 2 afternoons including lunch there.
(there's always a training day on the Mon for us)

Using cutlery
Putting own coat on and zipping up
dress/undress
read his name
write his name
hold a pencil
know the alphabet
count (basics even up to 10)
play with others
wait in a line
wait his turn
follow multiple step instructions
I would say these are the basics to starting reception.

expect some tears, most children do cry.
dont show your emotion, smile
i would expect some tiredness

Was it him not liking it or you couldn't bear to let him go? Are you going to do the same with school? I am sure children do manage school without preschool but he will have missed out loads. My son starts school in September. Although autistic and has taken time to settle he loves it now. You have done him a bit of disfavour really.

read his name
write his name
hold a pencil
know the alphabet
count (basics even up to 10)

As a Reception teacher I wouldn't expect those things, I can teach them. Knowing the alphabet as in ABC... isn't particularly helpful anyway. If a child has learnt to write their name with the wrong letter formation it is worse than not writing it at all as the child has to start again with bad habits already formed. A poor pencil grip is also a problem and many have to be taught a more effective way e.g. not in their fist.

Following simple instructions
being independent in the toilet
putting on their own coat
undressing and dressing for PE
being able to share toys and equipment etc
feeding themselves (i.e. not just opening their mouth like a baby bird - true story!)

These things are far more important although I have often had to teach those skills too.

This.

You have not helped this either.

By trying and then you capitulating rather than sticking it out you've made a rod for your own back. You've taken the easy option for you. This making it harder for him when he starts school.

You are going to struggle with school. And yes it's a you thing, not a him thing. The number of children who do this at drop off but then after Mum has gone and kids start for the day are absolutely fine because they've forgotten Mum is huge.

You need to stop taking the easy option for you. If it's not this issue it likely will be something else in the future...

The not attending nursery isn't the main issue here. It's the mucking about trying nursery and not sticking with it thing.

I agree. What will @lisa270988 do if he says he doesn't like Reception?

I think people are being hard on the OP, and some of the comments are ridiculous. It isn’t a given that her child will struggle.

Our local preschool takes children from age two to starting school and they are in one room, so you do have just turned two year olds with children approaching their fifth birthday. As with most things, there isn’t a single standard across the board if you like. It varies from preschool to preschool.

I have had to use childcare for mine from 10 months (ds) and 11 months (dd) and while ds was always unbothered enough DD wasn’t, and those first weeks leaving with her wailing and reaching out to me were absolutely bloody awful. I can see why you would avoid it if you had that choice.

I do also think, though, that it doesn't necessarily get better by delaying it. However in this case it is done and I don’t think there’s anything to be gained now by him going to preschool for one term before school. Better to ensure the transition to school is as smooth as possible.

I
disagree, attending pre-school if attached to the school would be worthwhile for one term. It’d be an introduction to school, routines etc. OP
isnt able to do this and it’s not the end of the world but as I’ve mentioned in previous posts I’d work on two things
his ability to get on with things himself like toileting, coat on and off, finding something to do, without an adult being immediately on hand.
building friendships with other children, independent of adults. I meet a lot of children now who are very used to having complete focus from adults and struggle to go off and play, without calling back to the adult ‘look at me/watch me’.

Is there one attached to the school he’s likely to attend? There aren’t many school nurseries around here, is why I ask. Otherwise, he’d just be settling and making some friends then be in a different environment again, so I’d be inclined to keep him home but really try to attend as many social events as possible.

I think you are in a very unique situation OP so hard to know what could happen. I think if you spend the next few months working on anything on these great lists on here that needs some work, and finding times to practice sharing and waiting, then you just have to get yourself ready to drop off without drama. Every school handles this differently - ours has a short day on day 1, but parents do not come into the school. They stay for lining up outside, quick goodbye and leave. (Minus children with additional needs of course). They started it this way during Covid and it works much better than the dramatic drawn our goodbye in the classroom (my daughter had that experience and my son the quick dropoff and his was so much better). Keep it very positive, talk up all the good things and make sure not to dwell on your doubts or anxieties about it.

@CaptainMyCaptain My DC did all of thst I’m nursery! Of course they could hold a pencil before YR - correctly! You have very low expectations. I know a few dc who could read before starting school. Reading their name - absolutely. My DDs had their names on their coat pegs. They could read them. Counting and sorting objects is not advanced either. Bright dc want to do more and they don’t all cry! Where are you with do many dc who cry? Most are used to being without mum and going into a setting on their own and are dropped off at the door if it’s a school based nursery.

I don't think I mentioned crying particularly although some children did. I taught for 30 years in Nursery and Reception in SE London and then in a former coalfields area. I'm retired now. Maybe your children go to school in a more middle class area. All children were assessed on entry some could recognise and write their name, many couldn't, some wrote their names in capitals with a pencil in their fist and had to start again and I worked with them accordingly. It doesn't matter what my 'expectations ' were I set targets according to each child's ability and prior knowledge.

I think @CaptainMyCaptain was meaning that all of the things listed are great but actually the most important starting points can be missed by parents. So I’ve often had parents who’ll tell me their child knows their alphabet, can write their name and count beyond 10.

Sometimes what that means is they blankly recite the alphabet but don’t know apple begins with an and so does ant, alphabet and antelope. They write their using capital letters are incorrectly formed letters. They count high but miss numbers out and don’t understand that 7 is 1 more than 6 and is bigger than 5.

Meanwhile they might not be able to play with new children, don’t focus on a task without a lot of adult attention and won’t try and eat their lunch without help. So @CaptainMyCaptainis saying these skills are far more important than academic for entry to reception, although the first list is great to have in addition.

My final thoughts are that I’ve noticed a real trend for academically able children who are very lacking socially and emotionally.

Yes, thank you.

Like parents who tell me their child can count (as in recite numbers) to 100 but they can't give me 3 toy cars as they don't have one to one correspondence.

Managing toileting and dressing independently and the ability to socialise were the most important things for me when children started school. The academics would happen in school.

Yes but I’m not talking about reciting numbers. I said counting items - that’s different. Lots of parents start with this type of maths. Knowing shapes etc. We aren’t all daft.