Could you forgive a relative for a malicious social services report?

[TheLastDragons]

I’ve been thinking about something that happened years ago and wondered what other people’s views are.

Could you forgive a close family member who reported you to social services and by forgive, I mean stay in contact and still have them in your life?

For context, in this situation the report was completely malicious and unfounded. There were no safeguarding concerns about the children, and social services found nothing to support what was said and luckily I could disprove what had been said. The person who made the report never gave a proper explanation and initially denied doing it. They only admitted it when they were confronted with proof but it left me a long time not being able to trust people close to me and wondering who could have done it.

It also wasn’t a misunderstanding or someone acting out of genuine concern it genuinely seemed intended to cause harm, and possibly even to make it look like someone else had made the report, this is what I suspect was the intention.

Years later I still sometimes think about it and wonder how others would feel in that situation. Would you be able to forgive and move past it enough to keep that person in your life, or would it be a line that couldn’t be uncrossed?

That’s awful, sorry you went through that. Yes there’s always those who will insist there’s no smoke without fire, had a few on the thread already, that’s why I don’t think to anyone about this in real life.

Not a cat in hells chance would I speak to them again, no.

It’s been 5 years now since we last spoke. I would have thought she would have given up by now.

Absolutely not

Yes, there are some who cannot imagine that their birth relatives can be so hateful. It took five decades for my mother to show her true colours. And for me to realise that she never liked me. Anyway, I don’t have to give her another thought and I do not have to attend her funeral. As far as I am concerned, you reap what you sow in life.

Honestly I would report them for harassment. After 5 years they aren’t going to give up and they may try to intercept your DC now or as adults.

Having it documented may provide you with evidence needed at some future date.

It’s doubtful that the “harassment” is bad enough for the police to take anyaction. You’re just getting into tit for tat and continuing their game.

I had wondered about them trying to contact my children but they are older now and I’ve told them what she did so they are fully aware. Im hoping to move one day.

I couldn’t forgive that OP. I had to make a report to social service about my sister but I had spent a long time trying to help her and I was honest with her that it was me and why I do it.

She went on to lose that child who lives permanently with her dad, then lost two more in the exact same circumstances to their (different) dad. So clearly my concerns were genuine and me and my sister get along fine (as far as a relationship with an addict can be).

Ah that’s really sad and completely understandable. That’s what I meant like even if there was a small possibility she had concerns she could have spoken to me about it, but she never did. I think her aim was for it to look like it was my ex and for it to cause problems there. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to as she tried to initially blame him and I thought it was him at first till I got a copy of the referral.

In my job I’ve come across a lot of people who’ve been reported to social services over the years, and not one of them thinks it was justified. Even the ones who lose their kids. In fact, especially the ones who lose their kids. Every single one thinks the person who reported them was malicious and unfair.

The bar for intervention is set very high. Plenty of reports are justified, even if they lead to no action being taken.

For this reason, I’m surprised that OP is receiving such resounding support and agreement for her position, without any of us having the slightest clue what the allegations even were.

Is it your mother or MIL? I’m assuming this because there might be that last lifelong emotional tie that makes it difficult to completely “break free” and of course today is Mothers Day hence you asking.

You don’t have to answer. I can see why that would be so hard. But you’re doing the right thing putting your children’s safety first. Anyone who makes a completely unfounded malicious complaint sounds dangerous to have around your family.

Presumably there were loads of other issues? Because reporting your family for going to a 24 hour shop at night with a child sounds like overkill if that was your only concern.

Other issues aside, do you think it’s OK to wake your toddler and go out in the snow at 2am because you’ve run out of vodka? That actually shocks me that you’d think that was OK.

Of course but malicious reports do happen probably more than people realise and we should be allowed to talk about them.

I’m really happy to tell you that my referral to SS was totally without merit. My AD1 (extremely troubled) made a false allegation of common assault against me and I was arrested. Once I was released, after 21 hours in a police cell, I immediately sought a S20 for my AD1. This was refused on the basis that her needs are so complex that no suitable placement would be found. The police decided no further action within 24 hours of my arrest, no doubt because AD1 admitted she’d made the whole thing up.

In my experience it’s often a case of “6 of one and half a dozen of the other”. Reports are often exaggerated, but rarely completely fictitious. And as I say, the bar is set high for social services intervention, so absence of further action doesn’t necessarily prove a report was completely groundless.

I have no idea what the situation was in your case OP, because you haven’t told us (as is your right, obviously).

No absolutely not forgivable imo.

What is AD1?

No, I would not forgive this. If the person truly changed, apologised, understood the impact and tried to make amends, then maybe. But it's not just something that blows over.

And I’m not going to go into detail. But sometimes people just like to cause trouble, this person has made several false allegations about people (although not to ss) they have a bit of a reputation for making false claims.

How awful , do ss believe her or you ?

Adopted daughter number one. I have two.

Great parenting? Maybe not.
But unless the adult was drunk and incapable, then no I don't think going to a shop at night is a social services issue.

That sounds very traumatic.

My point is that I’m surprised at the unquestioning support OP is getting, when none of us know if there was any substance in the allegation made against her. The fact the SS didn’t take any action, doesn’t mean it was completely groundless.