Could you forgive a relative for a malicious social services report?

[TheLastDragons]

I’ve been thinking about something that happened years ago and wondered what other people’s views are.

Could you forgive a close family member who reported you to social services and by forgive, I mean stay in contact and still have them in your life?

For context, in this situation the report was completely malicious and unfounded. There were no safeguarding concerns about the children, and social services found nothing to support what was said and luckily I could disprove what had been said. The person who made the report never gave a proper explanation and initially denied doing it. They only admitted it when they were confronted with proof but it left me a long time not being able to trust people close to me and wondering who could have done it.

It also wasn’t a misunderstanding or someone acting out of genuine concern it genuinely seemed intended to cause harm, and possibly even to make it look like someone else had made the report, this is what I suspect was the intention.

Years later I still sometimes think about it and wonder how others would feel in that situation. Would you be able to forgive and move past it enough to keep that person in your life, or would it be a line that couldn’t be uncrossed?

What proof? Did SS give you a name? I’d avoid this person.

I don't disbelieve you, I was just trying to figure out if there motivation to make the referral was from genuine concern, eg concern about a new partner/disagreement on parenting style. If there was no good intent there and it was completely malicious, I couldn't forgive in your situation. Unless it was a child/very young adult.

I could not continue to be in a relationship with someone who had actively and maliciously tried to harm me and my children.
Trust has been destroyed and I could never feel the same way about them again.

Irrelevant of forgiveness, this person put your children at risk. If someone did that to me, they would never set eyes on my children again.

I did put in the post that there was no confusion over whether it was genuine. They knew what they were doing and tbh even if there was a small possibility they had concerns given who they are I would have expected them to speak to me first and address it with me not go behind my back. The referral mentioned no immediate safety or danger concerns. If I had any concerns about a family member I would try to speak to them first or try to help them, but that’s just me.

I dont think i could forgive that or trust the person in any way moving forward.
It does depend on what the allegation made was exactly and why the person made it .its difficult to make a decision about forgiving without knowing the specifics.

No, unforgivable

My cousin doesn’t speak to me after I reported her to social services. In her eyes it was malicious and unfounded. But I stand by my belief that taking your toddler out in a buggy in the snow at 2am to the 24-7 Asda to buy vodka is poor parenting.

So to answer your question OP, I would need a lot more detail before forming an opinion on your situation.

Was you honest with her that it was you that reported her?

I could forgive them, yes. But I wouldn't trust them ever again and, on that basis, I wouldn't want them in my life.

This 100%

What difference would that make? Surely what she did was wrong, would you not agree? Regardless of whether or not sure knew who’d reported her.

Just interested but I will take that as a no.

I guess that’s what I mean by forgive because to have them in your life again you would need to forgive what they had done.

Seriously, why is it relevant whether or not I told her that I’d reported her? Because if you think that that is the main issue (when reporting someone who did what she did), then it suggests your perception may be somewhat distorted.

I think it would be unsafe to continue having contact with them so forgiveness would be irrelevant

Yes I agree, they didn’t take it well when I cut them off and have harassed me ever since. Trying to force their way back into my life as they don’t accept that I no longer speak to them and often turn up at my house. It has just confirmed to me even more that they are someone I don’t want in my life.

You could report them to the police for harassment to make it stop. Keep a note and a photo of each time they turn up at your home to use as evidence against them. Alternatively, could you move and not give them the new address?

That's awful, and so unfair. I'm sorry this happened to you.

And it is an example of WHY it's so unforgiveable.

Not to mention the time, money and energy that is wasted on malicious complaints when families in genuine need of support have to wait even longer because of false complaints like yours.

No, it’s unforgivable. I’m surprised you have to ask OP as it’s obviously such a terrible thing to do to someone.

We had someone threaten to do this in our family years ago. They never actually did it, although they did try to cause issues in another way, but I’ve never spoken to them again. In our case they were angry about not getting their own way about something and they were vindictive. I wasn’t worried because in our case, our children were teenagers and would have been able to be very clear that anything this person said was lies, but the fact they even threatened to do it was enough to never want them anywhere near any of us ever again.

She’s turned up at my kids school. Sent messages through other people, emails, turns up at my house in the middle of the night. It’s been exhausting. I won’t be reporting it though.

Tbh I have no intention of forgiving, I’m mainly asking because she won’t accept it and keeps harassing me. I don’t understand how she thinks I could get over this. Also when I tell people I don’t speak to her they seem surprised and feel family should be forgiven no matter what they’ve done to you, so I wondered if this was something other people would forgive.

She hasn’t thought about how you could get over this. She doesn’t care. She just wants her own way.

This resonates. I am no longer in contact with my 82-year-old mother. Or my brother. My mother will probably die without me finding out and even if I do find out, I most definitely will not be attending her funeral. I am an adoptive parent whose first adoption broke down a few years ago, mainly due to violence, verbal abuse, going missing, regular police involvement, antisocial behaviours and extensive stealing. My AD1 made a false allegation of assault against me and I was arrested and detained in custody for 21 hours. I tried, with the help of a lawyer, to have my AD1 accommodated by the LA, because who can live with a person so malicious that they are happy to see you arrested and detained on a lie? My maternal parent (I can’t bear to call her my mother) swooped in to house my AD1. Great, you might think, only the two have no relationship, my mother cannot walk and has a stair lift and rattles with so many pills for so many health conditions. She also has not left her home (apart from being carted off in an ambulance) since the pandemic. After six weeks of living with AD1, whose behaviours are really quite extreme, my mother descended into stress-induced psychosis. She still thinks she is a great white saviour. She is wrong. My mother’s interventions have harmed AD1 incontrovertibly as she could now, at 18, have full support as a care leaver. Now, she has no help and support and is, to all intents and purposes, homeless. Sorry if this sounds bitter. But I am. Obviously, children’s social care loved my mother stepping in as ££££ were saved. People will think there’s no smoke without fire. But sometimes those who are meant to love us the most secretly hate us and resent us and can’t wait to get one over on us.

I can understand why you don’t want to report it, as she’s after any attention even if it’s negative. Eventually she will have to accept that you don’t want anything to do with her, but it may be a few more months or even years of harassment before she gives up. Be prepared for a health ‘emergency’ or similar event to occur as a technique to try to draw you in. Ignore everything and continue to avoid the bitch.

We had something similar in my husband’s family and he’s been no contact with a relative for over 30 years now. Life is much more peaceful without her nastiness.