Would you be a sahp?

[UraniumFlowerpot]

I’ve noticed a theme of advice along the lines of never give up your career / income to care for kids because who knows what might happen down the line with the earning partner, you might find yourself single and penniless.

I’m currently considering my options when baby arrives later this year. Hadn’t ever planned to be a sahp but husband out-earns me many times over and I’m finding my career motivation mostly gone by now. Just naturally reached a plateau and got bored. Seems pointlessly stressful to work and put baby in full time childcare for a salary that will realistically make no difference to our standard of living. Current career couldn’t be picked up again after a break, I could return later to something else likely for less money. Current career could, at a stretch, support a family. Potential careers after a break almost certainly couldn’t.

I’ve talked with DH about the vulnerability of giving up work, he’s very happy to pay generously into pension and savings for me — not sure how much difference this legally makes since it would all be matrimonial assets anyway, but the understanding and willingness is there. He’s not pushing me to give up work but definitely values that role a lot. I also already have savings from before marriage that would see me through a transition period if we split, and a small pension (plus up to date with NI payments).

So my question to mumsnet is: What amount of personal or matrimonial assets, or what arrangement with the earning partner, would make you feel comfortable with the decision to become a sahp or substantially reduce earning potential to better accommodate kids?

I've been a SAHM for 18 years, it's worked out really well for us all as a family (including my parents as I've been able to look after them too) but I appreciate it's not for everyone!

There is no amount of money that would entice me to give up my independence and rely on another person for money.

When agreements between couples are made it’s all amicable, but if it does go wrong inevitably that good will disappears.

Working for me is about showing a good work ethic, its about doing something for me and for us as a family I now out earn my DH by 3 times.

When our kids were little we both worked different shifts/ hours to make it work for them. They both had a mix of nursery in the morning then me or my DH from lunchtime onwards.

Mine are 19 and 21 now and I do not regret working and maintaining my role outside the home. Independence, a valued job inside and outside the home and equality around finance is really important to me. I have seen it go wrong a number of times with friends and family (women shafted in separation/ divorce) that will never be me.

Personally I have all of those things, with a couple of groups I run (semi professional level) and lots of adult company. I think people see a SAHM as someone who only engage with children!

I was a sahm for 10 years roughly. I had my own "running away" fund and the same access to all dh's money as he does (wages and trust). Whilst I did the bulk of everything around the house/child related, dh also helped to ensure I had time to study (did another degree part time and some other courses) as well as volunteer outside the home.

I must admit I absolutely did not spend ages cleaning cupboards. We were out every day, attending groups and classes or just exploring. At home we did lots of crafts and reading.

But if I hadn't been so ill postpartum, I don't think I would have considered being a sahm. My then psychiatrist played a big part in the decision.

Now, I obviously earn less than if I hadn't taken a 10 year gap (well technically 7 as I went back doing ad hoc hours) but I walked into my current job and there is definitely progression available.

Haha thanks @justaboymummysome mothers genuinely do love the early years (my friend seems to be one of them and she at one stage had 5 under 8, having had a very demanding career as a corporate lawyer before kids). I just looked on agog: it was my idea of hell. And the most fascinating thing about it is, unlike other things in life, because much of it’s hormonal driven, it’s almost impossible to predict which camp you’ll fall into!

Think it’s fine to be quite honest about it (anonymously). After the 20th round of “Wind the Bobbin up” during mat leave baby classes, I was like “I CANNOT BE THE ONLY WOMAN HERE WHO FEELS LIKE SHE’S HAD A LOBOTOMY”. But it’s like the Emperor’s New Clothes: nobody who feels the same can admit it!

Yep! Was for 9 years. Absolutely loved it. Retrained when third baby was 2 and went back to work when she was 3 so a bit sooner than I would have liked - would have waited until she was at school ideally. But things just unfold the way they do sometimes and it’s all good.
Loved being as SAHM. Love my job. Nothing is forever - job decisions, and the baby days being 2 examples. Can’t get the baby days back but can work anytime.

We were a bit different in that we jointly own a business. We had three children under 5 which we hadn’t planned so it made sense for one of us to stay at home to save on childcare bills and I didn’t want a nanny. DH could do my role with help from someone on a fixed term contract but I couldn’t do his so that’s where our decision came from. I ended up extending my intended two years leave by another two years as one of our children was quite ill. If I hadn’t been in the position of knowing my role was there waiting for me to return when I was ready and us being comfortable without a change in lifestyle on one wage I’d never have considered it.

I’m a SAHM, and I love it. Controversially my DD’s still go to nursery, albeit part time (one 3.5 days a week the other 1.5 days) because they both love it and I need some time to myself. I’m financially independent from DH (I own part of our business) but he still pays into my pension every month. People say they would lose their identity, but I haven’t. I’ve got two degrees (one of which I completed via open university whilst being a SAHM), and I start my masters this year. I have hobbies, lots of friends (who are also SAHPs which helps), I don’t mind doing household stuff but we do also have a cleaner because it’s easier for me to keep on top of things that way. I don’t want to split from DH, but I would be absolutely fine financially if I did. I have a good support network, I like spending time with my kids and although I liked my job before I gave it up, I find this more personally fulfilling. I find people on here are far more critical of SAHPs than anybody is in real life.

I disagree with people becoming SAHP if that means they have to rely on the government for money.

. Can’t get the baby days back but can work anytime.

I sometimes wonder if this is behind the very aggressive tone of some of the "I'd never be a sahm" posts.

This is a decision you need to make for yourself op - and don't feel squashed into one camp by others whose circumstances may be quite unlike yours.

Yes but I have children so a lot of time I might spend engaging my brain are actually spent driving them places and doing stuff for them or round the house! So I choose to engage my brain via paid work. And that’s my choice - SAHP is a valid choice also for those who prefer that

No way would I be a SAHP.
Not because of not wanting to stay at home with the children.
Not because of my career.
Because MEN.

Money = independence mostly.

I’m currently leaving my partner and I often think what on earth I would do if I didn’t earn well or earn at all.

The threads on here are full of women whose men lose respect for them and treat them like skivvies. Even the ones that have promised to provide well for them. I think this burns out after the standard maternity leave.

You do you. Not for me.

Yes, I'm all for choice and no judgment.

No two parents have exactly the same circumstances, so judgment just doesn't make sense.

But I, for one, hanker for nothing more than space to do a lot more reading and research. Currently working and feel my brain is being squashed into tasks I don't fully see the point of at a "higher" level! Hence dipping into MN between said tasks ...!

No.

Other than the short and long term economic implications, I would completely lose my mind.

On maternity leave I almost went insane by about month 3 both times. I felt like my sole purpose was doing domestic work with no break.

I just loathed spending so much time within the same four walls, and resented my DH for being able to go out and have his own life beyond that.

I also couldn’t believe how quickly we fell into ‘traditional’ roles with him barely lifting a finger at home and expecting me to do everything.

Never again!

I would, and I don’t even have kids 😂

Many people hate baby classes, but it’s also largely irrelevant because mat leave can be 12-14 months with full allowance and annual leave so that period is more mat leave than even
being a sahp.
I think the issue is you don’t actually have to do that. It’s odd when posters reduce sahp’s to people who can’t engage their brain and have small thoughts and ambitions and yet they can’t work out that they don’t actually have to sit on a floor singing nursery rhymes.

Maybe if they engaged their bigger brains they could see that life, maternity leave, parenting is what you make it.
There is literally nothing about being a sahm that means you have to sit in a a dingy room repeating rhymes, you can quite literally do whatever you want with them. Mindblowing.

I think 99% of my friends were SAHM's.. it is what it was then 80's early 90's.. we didn't even think about leaving our babies with anyone other than ourselves that young until they started nursery. We took them with us.. mother and toddler groups/ swimming/ park days etc. Best years of my life being at home with my kids...couldn't wait for the school holidays.

I've always worked and being a SAHP wasn't really an option for me. My mum always worked when I was a child when it was less common so I suppose that she was a good role model. Every family is different and you need to do what's right for you. I don't judge someone for being a SAHP anymore than I judge working parents. Everyone is just trying to do the best for their family at the end of the day.

@Piglet89 100% I'm with you. I loathed mum & baby groups with my first & I actively avoided them with my 2nd. I also couldn't stick the constant looks when I whipped out a pre made formula bottle or listening to them harp on about how advice little Theo and Matilda are and arn't they amazing. No love just no. It wasn't for me and I don't regret it either. Have my kids suffered because of it, I 100% do not believe they have we had lots of time at weekends and in the early years I also had a Friday off work so we were always off doing things as a family. They got to still enjoy all the groups etc but with their childminder and other childminding groups so they wasn't feeling left out because Theo and Matilda were still with mummy.

I also feel that I have (at times) been less stressed because I have that time away from them not to mention the financial burden has been much less with 2 high salaries coming into the household.

There pro & cons on both sides, clearly for myself & you it wasn't for us being SAHM's but for others it works and that is fine. I don't agree with those who think oh I've got a kid now I'm not working and then do nothing all day and claim benefits. That's my personal opinion though.

* disclaimer, I have no issue with the names Theo or Matilda btw I actually think there super cute names so no shade being sent here*

You can do whatever you want with your babies and toddlers, apart from if what you want is completely irreconcilable with the presence of babies and toddlers.

I think have the baby first and see how you feel. Prior to children the idea of being. sAHP to me would have been idyllic, but post children - I don’t think I’m cut out for the relentlessness of parenting full time. So part time is my preference.

For me I want to have equal access to all money

i’m in my 50s and my DCs are young adults. If I had my time again I would focus more on my career than I did - I think. I was a combination of a SAHM and a working mum. I worked feelance at home, part time, and very part time when the DCs were little. I didn’t have any focus on training and updating my
skils so now my knowledge is all very out of date.

i also split up with exDP due to domestic abuse which started when the DCs were little.

I am now living on benefits because I am too ill to
work but if it wasn’t for that I would be stuffed.

On the plus side, I feel very confident that I provided my DCs with a very good upbringing, despite the domestic abuse.

I suppose what I am saying OP is you never know what is round the corner. What if your DH becomes too ill to work? My recommendation to you would be to enjoy your DC first and foremost but eventually start considering training for a new career. Work is incredibly rewarding if you enjoy it (and as my GP pointed out), working is very good for your mental health. If I had th option, I would do a degree in cyber security.

No amount of money would make me be a SAHM. I can’t imagine anything more boring.

No way would I be a SAHM:

-I was really bored and lonely during both mat leaves. I thrive on using my brain and having adult conversation that isn’t about teething or naps.

-If i took a break, i would be worried about ability of getting back into work. I read about a lot of women taking breaks and then struggling to get back into work

-Money is security to me. It makes me feel safe. And also gives me the means to support my kids as they grow into adulthood in a society with an ongoing COL crisis and expensive housing and education

-It’s only a good thing to keep putting money into your own pension

-Even though i am married, i am always concerned that if i stopped working and then my marriage ended, i would still possibly be vulnerable to a situation where i would struggle to get back into work.

I wouldn’t like to be a SAHP because our little boy is literally 100mph from the minute his eyes open until bed time. I don’t think I have the capability to look after him sufficiently all day. He goes to nursery 3 days and then grandparents for 2 days a week and it suits us, he’s home for 4pm everyday and we will play in the garden or park before tea, bath and bed. Work is a break and a welcome way for me to keep myself motivated and my own person.

Just to add, i have gone part time (28 hours) so i think this has been a good compromise. I am still developing my job skills and earning, while being able to do school pick up.