Would you be a sahp?

[UraniumFlowerpot]

I’ve noticed a theme of advice along the lines of never give up your career / income to care for kids because who knows what might happen down the line with the earning partner, you might find yourself single and penniless.

I’m currently considering my options when baby arrives later this year. Hadn’t ever planned to be a sahp but husband out-earns me many times over and I’m finding my career motivation mostly gone by now. Just naturally reached a plateau and got bored. Seems pointlessly stressful to work and put baby in full time childcare for a salary that will realistically make no difference to our standard of living. Current career couldn’t be picked up again after a break, I could return later to something else likely for less money. Current career could, at a stretch, support a family. Potential careers after a break almost certainly couldn’t.

I’ve talked with DH about the vulnerability of giving up work, he’s very happy to pay generously into pension and savings for me — not sure how much difference this legally makes since it would all be matrimonial assets anyway, but the understanding and willingness is there. He’s not pushing me to give up work but definitely values that role a lot. I also already have savings from before marriage that would see me through a transition period if we split, and a small pension (plus up to date with NI payments).

So my question to mumsnet is: What amount of personal or matrimonial assets, or what arrangement with the earning partner, would make you feel comfortable with the decision to become a sahp or substantially reduce earning potential to better accommodate kids?

What do you think parents model in their careers? The majority of parents?

Most people (especially women) are working in quite crappy conditions for little compensation. They are exhausted, exploited and burnt out. I am not sure that modelling that as a reputable way of life is beneficial to our children. I mean their declining mental health pretty much says as much.

@HappyClapper100 i don’t know, is the honest answer there. Everyone’s different and also (and this is probably not relevant to the OP!) how you feel about work after becoming a mum is different. For some it can be like a safe place after your life is turned upside down; for others it is the opposite.

I work two days a week. Ideally I’d do a bit more as I don’t earn much but that will have to wait. The upsides are obviously time with DD, my older child (in reception currently) doesn’t have to do any after school clubs or breakfast clubs unless he wants to, the weeks go by very fast, I don’t actually like my job much at the moment but that’s a whole other grumble … but there are downsides too. But you just don’t know how you might feel.

So many judgemental posts already. You can be secure in your choice to work, without saying that SAHM's aren't "adults", or reducing their choices to "unemployed" and "financially irresponsible".

Yes to some extent it works like that because men are the higher earners. For instance, I'd say it's quite normal for a female teacher on about 35k to be partnered with a male someone in some sort of financial job on about 90k by their mid 30s. That is fairly typical for my peer group.

There is no way they can have a baby and he be the one to give up any of his salary. Not unless he has some amazing side hustle that he can do while being at home.

I wouldn’t be a SAHM, but that’s only because I find looking after small children very boring a lot of the time and I really missed the mental stimulation of work and engaging with other adults outside of child rearing while I was on maternity leave.

However, I would never judge women who do want to be SAHMs nor do I think it is a lesser choice in any way. I definitely don’t think children need their mother in paid employment to role model ambition and drive.

Though this isn’t the case for everybody, many find it extremely hard work looking after small children day in day out and you can’t really know how you’ll feel until you’re in the thick of it. For that reason, don’t make any major decisions about work at this stage.

Your comment is interesting.

being unemployed is quite different to being a SAHM which by its nature is unpaid labour. If a parent doesn't stay home in the younger years then you literally have to pay someone else to care for your kids 😂

I always tell my little kids that being their mum and staying home with them is the best job I could have in the world. I think for now that messaging will give them a secure place to start rather than financial ambitions. There's plenty of time for that.

It wouldn’t be about the money for me. In fact when we had 3 young children I was working for several years when childcare ate up the equivalent of my take home pay (this was before subsidised childcare.) Working was always about other things as well as money. I absolutely enjoyed the time spent home with my kids too (mat leaves and also I worked part time when they were very small so had days at home too) - personally I never found it boring or difficult at home; I just knew I wanted to work as well.

with the benefit of hindsight (our kids are now adults) I’m very glad I continued in work for all sorts of reasons, the main one being I feel it always helped dh and to feel we both had a good balance and understanding of each other and it made it far easier to share roles and tasks, both earning and child/ home related.

so to answer your question, there isn’t really an amount I could state. If you want to stop working then it sounds like your dh is doing the right thing by proposing to pay into a private pension for you - financially it can be so risky for women who spend long periods of adult life not working, it’s about the long term as much as the short term.. so that’s good. If it’s what you both want (and not just the default of ‘oh he earns more than me so my work matters less) then fine.

I was a SAHP 10 years. I worked in education and couldn’t see any value in passing on the care of my children to someone less qualified and less emotionally invested than I was. I loved those 10 years and started back part time when my youngest started school. It probably helped that my DH and I had always shared finances and he was fully supportive. I went on to have a very good career and have never regretted my choices.

No amount of money? I know a couple of men who have “retired” very early named by prior business successes. They pursue passion projects and hobbies. One of those also has young kids and spends plenty of time caring for them. Does this really set a poor model for their kids? I know that’s a bit off topic, but I just can’t see that paid employment is the only respectable thing to do with one’s time.

Of course it doesn’t - there is a bit of deliberate provocation there.

This, but sadly only those who are high earners or fully dependent on the state get this luxury!

I don’t think you should make this decision before the baby is born imo. There are to many unknowns.
I went back after my maternity leaves but then took some time out when my youngest was 1. So far it’s been the best decision and I definitely don’t regret it.
I don’t have any issue with my self image because I’m focusing on children while they’re young.
We always shared money anyway so there has been no issue with a lack of independence, we just view the total money coming in.
I like being the one to collect from nursery every day, I like the freedom of not having to send them in with a cold so I can work, I like being able to make last minute costumes together for a themed day in school and I get so much joy from seeing my children play together for so much of the day. I missed a lot of the day when I worked full time.

To me it’s not about money or salary, we have a nice standard of life on one income so I took some time out. That’s really all it is.
We comfortable pay our mortgage on our “forever house” cover our bill, eat out, go on holiday etc
the thing that takes a slight hit is the amount we save now vs before but we do already have a good savings pot from before so it’s a nice safety net. I don’t particularly need any more in life than what we have now so sacrificing the early years with my children so I can bring in more money for more stuff just isn’t of value to me.

How awful to be embarrassed by your mum who chose to look after you herself, reducing her to a boring skivvy who just cleaned a house all day. She should have let someone else look after you as a baby and concentrated on herself rather than her children as evidently you’d have had more respect for her. I feel very sorry for your mum

I’ve had 2 extended stints of when mine were born, for 2-4 years each time. Loved having the early years with them but I personally wouldn’t want to be a SAHM permanently. Once the kids are school age I found it quite boring and selfishly and because I hate it I want to outsource the housework rather than to do it myself, which becomes harder to justify when the DC are out of the house all day. Also if I earn 50k or whatever it’s much more tax efficient than DH earning it and we’re definitely guilty of the lifestyle creep so really enjoy the extra money to take nice holidays now the DC are old enough not to be terrors to travel with.
Every family is different, you can only do what works for you, but it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing. If you take a few years off now you can always return to work in the future.

I have a similar attitude to you, been a SAHM for 18 years raising 4DC two youngest have additional needs, so a lot of work each day without working out of the family home. I am often asleep very early due to exhaustion. I couldn't cope working outside of the home due to all the stuff I do at home for them all. I also study part time with the OU.

I realise I am an oddity amongst most parents in my local community as most do work part time if not full time but all families are different.

Wrong. DH earns just under 30k so we have a family income plus UC.

I think there’s a balance to be had to be honest. I was a sahm for a while. My youngest was 2.5 (Montessori) and eldest was 5(school) when I returned to work but I had a great set up where the Montessori was attached to a school and I was a trained teacher. I started a job that started at 9 (DDs school started earlier) and finished at 3 which meant I could pick my dc up at 3:30. Eldest went to afterschool (also on school grounds) for an hour.
so I was a sahm for 5ish years.
I stayed in that teaching job for 2 years- hours were great but i hated it. I retrained and now I’m in a job I love earning much more than I did in teaching.
Thats not in uk btw (where the teaching day is ridiculously long!)

It wouldn't have been about the money for me, personally. I saw the impact on my own SAH mother of feeling like she had no identity or purpose or respect beyond the family, and I would never have wanted that for myself. She was bored, lacked challenge and felt unfulfilled. She didn't feel any real sense of achievement, and she believed that she had wasted her potential - a perception that stayed with her until she died.

If I had complete financial freedom, I might make slightly different choices about my work, but I would definitely want to carry on working. It would leave too big a vacuum not to.

You're right, what an awful example for some SAHPs who decide to raise their family and/or choose to study during the school term whilst they have children in the school system.

Awful example to set to children, bettering yourself academically 🙄

Absolutely not. I missed adult conversations and negotiating and the thrill I got from work. I despised baby groups with all those cooey voices, and patronising baby-talk. Most of all I hated not having anything real-world to talk to people about and I was terrified of turning into someone who's entire world and conversational abilities revolved around their child. I went back to work after 3 months.

DH could have gone part time, and I could have never worked again. But we both kept up full time hours and have never regretted it.

I’m also pregnant with my first. So bear in mind this is not coming from experience and maybe I’d say something completely different at the end of my mat leave… I am planning to go back part time (3.5 days) after taking a year maternity leave. DH also keen to switch to 4 days.

Being a SAHM is never really something I seriously considered and is a somewhat alien concept to me as my own Mum always worked FT. Although I don’t have an issue with it and don’t get the hate on here. I would consider an extended mat leave so my child could wait and be a bit older when starting childcare and then just find a different job afterwards even if it meant a slight demotion, I feel confident I could get something. Money wise, I’d need us to have the security of being mortgage free or my husband get a pay rise that matched the take home of us both being part time as I describe above.

I do prefer the idea of us both being part time though as makes domestic life more equal.

So I suppose I am, in a sense, as I am off long term sick with cancer. My dc are primary and secondary age though. Not working during the day means I’m well enough to be present when they aren’t in school.

Would I want to be a SAHP to a young child who I spend 24/7 with? No. 😂 It’s boring as hell being home with a baby/toddler all day every day. I love my kids, but I was flying out the door back to work when mat leave was done. I still had 1-2 days home with them (I worked PT or FT with compressed hours).

For me, it wouldn’t primarily be about financial security. Though my personal experience shows how important it is having two earners. If you were a SAHP and your Dh became seriously ill and could not work for several years (or ever or had a terminal illness), could you survive? Would you be able to jump back into a role that would allow you to keep your house? You absolutely do not know what the future holds. I was fit as a fiddle, commuting to big London job…until suddenly I wasn’t and I haven’t worked in 2 years. Thankfully, we can survive in one income. If Dh also got ill though, we’d lose our house.

Beyond that, I’d be bored out of my mind. Babies are really boring. Days are long and exhausting and it’s quite lonely. I could do it. But it wouldn’t be signing up for it as a long term choice. I like having lunch in peace and finishing my coffee and talking to grown ups about something other than babies. And then the days I did have with my dc were actually fun, because it was a choice and I felt refreshed and I’d had 2 days at work to appreciate being at home with them. It was the best of both worlds. Basically, what I’d say is don’t rush into signing yourself up to a lifestyle you may actually dread until you know what it’s like being home all day with young children.

I can be a SAHM and never would. We can afford it and it wouldn’t impact us.

I don’t ever want to be dependant on a man for anything and have a very happy marriage.

I like my independence and showing my kids and Independant, strong woman.

I was ‘off’ work for a year with and hated it. It sounds great at first but then it’s really boring , monotonous and not using my brain and speaking to adults enough wasn’t for me.

This decision isn’t based on finances only. Believe it or not a lot of women I know like working.

And no one ever tells a man to stay at home because their kids are only little once. And most kids don’t miss their parents when they are in school.

Yes, but you are getting UC, that’s being dependent on the state. 😂 I have advanced metastatic cancer, will probably eventually die for it. Do you know how much I qualify for in benefits a month? £360 🤣 That doesn’t replace an income and being sick isn’t a lifestyle choice.