Would you be a sahp?

[UraniumFlowerpot]

I’ve noticed a theme of advice along the lines of never give up your career / income to care for kids because who knows what might happen down the line with the earning partner, you might find yourself single and penniless.

I’m currently considering my options when baby arrives later this year. Hadn’t ever planned to be a sahp but husband out-earns me many times over and I’m finding my career motivation mostly gone by now. Just naturally reached a plateau and got bored. Seems pointlessly stressful to work and put baby in full time childcare for a salary that will realistically make no difference to our standard of living. Current career couldn’t be picked up again after a break, I could return later to something else likely for less money. Current career could, at a stretch, support a family. Potential careers after a break almost certainly couldn’t.

I’ve talked with DH about the vulnerability of giving up work, he’s very happy to pay generously into pension and savings for me — not sure how much difference this legally makes since it would all be matrimonial assets anyway, but the understanding and willingness is there. He’s not pushing me to give up work but definitely values that role a lot. I also already have savings from before marriage that would see me through a transition period if we split, and a small pension (plus up to date with NI payments).

So my question to mumsnet is: What amount of personal or matrimonial assets, or what arrangement with the earning partner, would make you feel comfortable with the decision to become a sahp or substantially reduce earning potential to better accommodate kids?

I'm a SAHM and I absolutely love it. Our situation before kids was largely similar to yours, I tried going back to work and I was miserable. I just wanted to be with DD.

There are a few non negotiables for me; complete access to all finances, continuing to contribute to my personal pension and savings in my name. Yes they are all joint marital assets but the fact that I have sole access to my savings makes me feel way more secure.

Our kids are now 3 and 7, our youngest is starting school in September and I'm starting to feel like I should do something work wise. DH is very much of the opinion that if I don't want to there's no need to. But I think I might do something part time.

I’ve noticed that Mumsnet is quite hostile toward stay-at-home parents, sometimes more than seems necessary.

These days, it’s entirely possible to be a SAHP while still earning an income through remote work. Every SAHM I know works from home and makes their own money, but those who dislike SAHPs ignore this to push a negative narrative.

People who are critical sometimes view SAHPs as naive, incapable, or uninformed. Similarly, women who disapprove of SAHMs may lack trust in their husbands, fearing their lives will be ruined, which can lead to living in constant worry. If a marriage is already unstable, being a SAHP or not probably won’t change the outcome, as the lack of a strong bond is the real issue.

I’ve been a SAHM for over a decade, and it hasn’t hurt me financially. I came from a high-paying job with yearly bonuses, which I invested wisely—at least I tried to—giving me peace of mind to relax while my passive income grows. My husband also earns well and will retire in a few years.

The best advice is to research thoroughly, think things over, adjust your plans if needed, and use tools like ChatGPT or whatever you prefer. Talk to SAHMs in person, not just online, and most importantly, communicate openly with your husband. Have honest conversations, ask questions, agree and disagree, and make arrangements that work for both of you—you and your husband should be true partners.

I work from home but I'm most definitely not a SAHM just because I'm at home. DC go to nursery just like they would do if I physically went to work.