Would you be a sahp?

[UraniumFlowerpot]

I’ve noticed a theme of advice along the lines of never give up your career / income to care for kids because who knows what might happen down the line with the earning partner, you might find yourself single and penniless.

I’m currently considering my options when baby arrives later this year. Hadn’t ever planned to be a sahp but husband out-earns me many times over and I’m finding my career motivation mostly gone by now. Just naturally reached a plateau and got bored. Seems pointlessly stressful to work and put baby in full time childcare for a salary that will realistically make no difference to our standard of living. Current career couldn’t be picked up again after a break, I could return later to something else likely for less money. Current career could, at a stretch, support a family. Potential careers after a break almost certainly couldn’t.

I’ve talked with DH about the vulnerability of giving up work, he’s very happy to pay generously into pension and savings for me — not sure how much difference this legally makes since it would all be matrimonial assets anyway, but the understanding and willingness is there. He’s not pushing me to give up work but definitely values that role a lot. I also already have savings from before marriage that would see me through a transition period if we split, and a small pension (plus up to date with NI payments).

So my question to mumsnet is: What amount of personal or matrimonial assets, or what arrangement with the earning partner, would make you feel comfortable with the decision to become a sahp or substantially reduce earning potential to better accommodate kids?

It’s not uncommon to not really like baby groups, I didn’t particularly like them myself but I wasn’t there for myself I was there for my baby, it wasn’t there to provide me with mental stimulation and riveting conversation.
You do you but I find it a bit strange that you had a child but couldn’t go to baby group for the benefit of your baby.

No one I knew, sahm or working mothers, had no conversational abilities beyond their children, we were all able to converse about many things. When you go to baby group you don’t know anyone so in the beginning any conversation will be about the children because you don’t know them and that’s what you’re all there for. You’d hardly meet someone at a baby group and start into a conversation about the world’s economy.

Perfectly possible to study, work and raise children?

I agree with @Simonjt. I’m absolutely baffled at how often on Mn you have posters bleating ‘I’m fortunate enough to be a SAHM’. I think that’s a really niche view. I think furthermore that being a SAHP suits very few people.

No. Being a SaHP wasn’t for me. I did 2 maternity leaves and part time for 2 years. That was enough. I’m just not that into housework. I found it boring.

I cannot think of anything worse. Looking after little kids all day is SO BORING.

It’s up to you - if you want to do it, then go for it. I did it for a year after I got made redundant and it was so boring but then I’m not really a ‘homemaker’- I don’t get any joy out of cooking and cleaning and decorating and I had to do it all every single day. The other thing is that my (now) ex viewed me differently. He had married a career woman in a similar field and we always had lots to talk about. I then turned into this woman whose topics of conversation were the kids, the price of ham, and the joys of Viakal. You could see his eyes glazing over when I was talking about dental appointments! In the end we were both happy when I returned to work, though he did struggle initially with having to pick up half the chores.

I totally agree. I feel fortunate to be able to work, outsource what I need to (cleaner, online groceries etc) and feel fortunate I earn my own money (we share all money) and fortunate I am valued outside of being a mum. I don’t have a stressful life (maybe stressful job but love it) but I am hyper organised and things are busy. My kids are thriving and happy.

Not everyone aspires to be a SAHP nor that it is the end goal for everyone if they could have it.

I think the only fortunate thing is the ability to choose. You aren’t ‘fortunate’ to be a SAHP. You are fortunate to be able to choose. I am fortunate enough to be able to choose and I choose to work.

Why does it bother you that someone else is happy in their choice to be a SAHP though?
If it’s not your life it doesn’t have to suit you.
It’s okay for the people to feel fortunate for their lifestyle even if it’s not the same as yours.

I would’ve said no way pre baby but post baby yeah I probably would. However just psychologically I do think it’s good to have something of your own, I’ve found going from a good career where people cared about me and things I had to say and I was an expert in something, to my whole life revolving around the family a bit difficult. I love it, but there’s certainly times I feel like I’ve lost a piece of myself. For that reason I’d consider if you might want to go part time if that’s an option, or do something else for you like a course or a little business you’ve always wanted to start or something else even just a membership to a good gym and make sure you make time to go and have a couple of hours doing something that isn’t in service of your family.
as you’ve already said you’d need to have pension contributions, savings, student loan payments if you have one, and full access to marital income all taken care of. you don’t want dh to have spare money to spend on himself but you have to ask for ‘his’ money. And definitely don’t have ‘your’ money be what you have to use to buy groceries or things for the kids if he has money to just spend on himself.

do think about when dc go to school as well, not working makes sense when you consider childcare costs and just the chance to be home with them, but will there be an expectation when they go back to school for you to figure out a new job?

also talk to dh about his expectations, if he is funding everything does he see you as a 24/7 nanny, chef and cleaner? Or will you be 50/50 on those things when he’s not working. How much cleaning and childcare does he see himself doing in this set up?
finally I’d wait until baby is here, some friends that wanted to be sahm found themselves desperate to get out the house after a few months, or found their dh not as helpful as they expected him to be.

Of course it’s boring but what did you think would happen to your life when you chose to have children

Due to having DC that have additional needs it means I cannot get out to work...that's why I am being productive with my time and studying which leads to a formal qualification.

Studying is flexible whilst my DC are in school. Due to chronic health issues I am not able to work around studying and raising my family.

Thanks @goz 😊 it's not hurting anyone else.

I felt super fortunate to be a SAHM while my children were little. It was great to be able to spend time with them, no stress when they're sick, lots of days out, toddler groups etc - it was great!
Now I work in a term time only job I love and earn more than I ever have.
I don't really understand the feeling that the only way to be a good example to your children is paid employment, surely we are all worth far more than our pay check??

Just to point out, it’s perfectly possible to raise children, work and have other dimensions to life too, be that study, hobbies etc

it’s absolutely not a binary choice between SAHP and other stuff. We all raise our children whether we combine it with work or not.

What’s your point? I didn’t say I was unprepared for it (though I’m not sure anyone ever is, unless they’ve had substantial experience spending lots of time with young kids) - I was just opining that I could not be a SAHP as it isn’t cerebral enough for me.

The OP might be exactly the same and therefore it’d be unwise to jack in her job to decide to become a SAHP before she’s sure it’d make her happy.

It has never really been a huge consideration for me to be a SAHM, when I had my kids, going back to work was always going to happen as at the time we couldn't have managed on DH salary alone or it would have been difficult. That said now we could but I earn a good salary myself and we (kids inc) have become accustomed to our way of life. Having said that there have been many times over the years that I have worried and thought I was letting my kids down for working FT and juggling everything. I'm sure there will be more of those moments to come too.

I need my independence though and I found maternity leave quite lonely at times and as much I love my kids and their company I think I would have gone crazy being home with them everyday. I also think it's healthy for kids to socialise and mix with kids their age within a nursey or childminder setting.

Right now OP your are excited for everything that motherhood will bring and you (hopefully) will be for a long while yet but it can be lonely & isolating at times too. If your fortunate enough to have savings, and financially sound then would it be a consideration for a PT job/your current role becoming PT or WFH once baby is a little older? Maybe gives you the best of both worlds then and look into childcare for just a couple of days a week or call on grandparents for support? You will have independence and some money coming in. I read on here so much about DH becoming quite resentful to their wives/partners when they are a SAHM. I think men and women have very different ideas to the reality of SAHP and both of these are often worlds away from the reality of being with your child(ren) 24/7.

There is no amount of money that would convince me to be a SAHM.

I just don’t find the same value in cleaning the cupboards as I do in my career. I’ve always been the sort of person who does clean etc, but still sees it as a chore rather than any sort of worthwhile activity that I enjoy.

I have absolutely no idea how I’d spend the hours my son is at school, beyond doing things like going to the gym or baking, which realistically isn’t being a mother - it’s just being unemployed, and can otherwise be done around work.

Our son is disabled and if all I did all day was care for him, do the relevant paperwork, etc - I would go insane. I need there to be more to life, and like the financial freedom that earning gives me, and our family.

Never. I’d have to do something outside the home, or end up losing my marbles and/or quickly bored!

If it makes you feel better, my friendship group have been mostly quite highly-qualified professionals and I would say at least half have ended up taking years out from their careers while their DC were young, then are now starting to go back, but often to something slightly different.

This applies even to the ones who had not planned to, but just felt they could do the mum thing better that way - that being their view, their choice. Some high-powered types approach it that way: ie; they give what they are currently focusing on their all. It's just another way of looking at it - and I'd say there is no right, no wrong. I don't think I would factor in judgment as everyone will judge differently.

I actually think raising children is one of the most cerebral things a human can do. Your actions and words are quite literally shaping a child’s brain and future.

It's not really about the money for me

I get a lot of intellectual satisfaction out of my career.

I love my children but I would not have enjoyed looking after them all day every day. I would have found it boring.

I realise that you can have hobbies, study etc, but that has never really worked for me. I am inclined to procrastinate if there's no deadline/external impetus. If I were a SAHM to school age children, I would faff about and doom scroll, not study.

I can't relate to the comments made about rushing around/stress - I think I need that to give me some structure and I thrive on a bit of pressure. I don't say this to sound smug, it's just how I am. I actually admire people who are self driven enough to write novels, have improving hobbies, do OU courses etc, but me I get my kicks from an interesting job

Well said. I was a SAHM to 4 and I loved it I wasn't at all bored or wished to go back to work once. I would rather spend time with them. Everyone is different. If people want to stay at home there is nothing wrong with that. If people want to go back to work that's fine too. Some don't have a choice.

I think some people approach it that way, others are more practical about it.

That comes down to parenting style I guess.

@SleeplessInWhereverwhy would a stay at home parent be cleaning their cupboards any more than a working parent…?

In the abstract, that's absolutely true.

In reality, while I know that nursery rhymes are great for language development, the 20th time that day that I do the twinkle twinkle little star actions is still boring.

For all the judgey tossers there are two more women looking on SAHM with envy. In fact, I those two groups probably often overlap.

For me, it would just be about financial security.

I’d want a legal agreement for dividing up assets on divorce, so say I was given x asset that would not be regarded as a matrimonial asset on divorce. I know thise are not legally binding but I believe a judge may take it into account. I’d want a good amount paid into a pension, and my own ‘allowance’ paid. I’d want to be able to stay in the house till the kids were grown.

I’d also want a huge life insurance taken out on him.

And remember, men are nice and good and fair till they want to leave you. Then suddenly it’s ‘their’ money that they don’t want you to have, and you are reframed as a leech they have supported. Once they no longer like you and want out, their gloves come off.

But having said that, having a SAHM is brilliant for everyone, kids ( my SAHM friends have way more time for their kids than I do. They actually hang out doing fun stuff together after school -jealous!), wife, husband. Everyone’s life is easier. It does depend on both parties genuinely respecting and appreciating the other’s role though.

It doesn’t bother me personally at all. I just think that those women (because no SAHFs are feeling ‘fortunate’, and I know three men who have been one because circumstances made it so — repeated redundancies, trailing spouse, illness) don’t actually feel fortunate or ‘blessed’, it’s a sort of tradwife internet meme that makes some women think that being economically dependent is actually a ‘fortunate’ thing. It encourages under thinking, economic illiteracy and women thinking their working lives become strangely irrelevant once they have a child.