Would you be a sahp?

[UraniumFlowerpot]

I’ve noticed a theme of advice along the lines of never give up your career / income to care for kids because who knows what might happen down the line with the earning partner, you might find yourself single and penniless.

I’m currently considering my options when baby arrives later this year. Hadn’t ever planned to be a sahp but husband out-earns me many times over and I’m finding my career motivation mostly gone by now. Just naturally reached a plateau and got bored. Seems pointlessly stressful to work and put baby in full time childcare for a salary that will realistically make no difference to our standard of living. Current career couldn’t be picked up again after a break, I could return later to something else likely for less money. Current career could, at a stretch, support a family. Potential careers after a break almost certainly couldn’t.

I’ve talked with DH about the vulnerability of giving up work, he’s very happy to pay generously into pension and savings for me — not sure how much difference this legally makes since it would all be matrimonial assets anyway, but the understanding and willingness is there. He’s not pushing me to give up work but definitely values that role a lot. I also already have savings from before marriage that would see me through a transition period if we split, and a small pension (plus up to date with NI payments).

So my question to mumsnet is: What amount of personal or matrimonial assets, or what arrangement with the earning partner, would make you feel comfortable with the decision to become a sahp or substantially reduce earning potential to better accommodate kids?

Not at all. Husband was in the forces never earning over £45k. I don't think we've ever seen more than about £75k. You live to your means, don't you?

Yes, because he is, and always has been, the sole earner, I am the childcare for my own children.

He does, but he's never worked a 9-5 and his work has him away from home regularly, for extended periods of time. All the more important for me to be the mainstay for our family.

I personally don't agree that men that work away a lot / for hours upon hours make good fathers. Good providers perhaps, but not good fathers. Certainly not what I was looking for when choosing the father of our little girl.

@Lidlisthebusiness So how do you house and provide for six kids on that salary alone?

No. I would personally be bored rigid.

If your Husband was in the forces then you likely lived in camp with subsidised rents and no council tax or heavily subsidised.

It's a bit disingenuous to say you live to your means when armed forces living is so heavily subsidised. Not saying its wrong that its subsidised but given rent/housing cosy is what takes a lot of people's money then being upfront about the perks you will have had in order to live off a 45k salary.

Armed forces living is heavily subsidised.

@Scottishskifun But even so, who can realistically afford six kids unless on a huge wage?!!

Having your housing and utilities paid for really does make a big difference. My DH is in the US army, not the UK, but I know several military families with 4, 5, 6 and even one with 7 children. We're hoping to have 5 eventually, if we're lucky enough.

I’m a bit of a nerd so to get comfortable with the idea I would need to map out/model the level of pension contributions I’d need to be able to retire when I want to with my desired level of savings. If my partner can commit to funding that then I would definitely consider it! I’d also expect full access to all day to day money and wouldn’t be happy living on an allowance or anything like that.

The reality is that a lot of women want a lifestyle that only really comes from working a lot of hours and often with travel. It isn't men simply choosing themselves to take this role - it was an agreement that they need that kind of money and someone has to earn it while the other person is more home situated.

What often happens is that people underestimate the downside where parenting is mostly left to one person. They would not easily go for a situation where there is less money coming in, though. They won't downgrade their expectations.

@HappyClapper100 There is a big difference between need and want.
I'm not sure what I think about women who just see money and lifestyle over a present father and husband.
Well, actually, I do.

@Mmmchocolatebuttons And it's not just about money. Can you honestly give 5 or 6 kids the parenting time they deserve?
Genuine question...why do you want so many children?

Well its the things they think are important

• £140 baby mats !
• private school
• savings for everyone
• car(s)
• holidays in niche expensive locations
• expensive range of EC lessons
• big house in affluent area

If you think you need all of this to "properly" raise a child, then yes you need someone out there earning that money.

@HappyClapper100 All of them are not needs (bar perhaps a car or cars). What are baby mats?
And if you really "want" them, go out to work and earn until you can afford them rather relying on a man!!
#2026

Those baby gym things. There is a.current thread on one.

I believe so. Maybe we'll change our mind further down the line and decide to stop at 3 or 4, I don't know. Right now, that's the plan though.

Why do I want so many children? Because I love babies and children/teens in all their stages of development, and I loved growing up in a large family. My husband and I both grew up in large families and never felt a lack of parenting time or attention.

@HappyClapper100 Ah I do detect a hint of sarcasm 😀

He isn't in the forces anymore, and we only lived in military housing for 4.5 of the nearly 18 years we've been together, so yes, we benefitted for those few years.
What I did inadvertantly miss out is his few £100/month pension, and whatever child benefit we've been eligible for at different times over the years.

We bought a house we could manage the mortgage on, though it obviously increased when interest rates did, and we are looking to move as we now need somewhere bigger. The children are all well provided for though, birthdays and Christmas is saved for throughout the year and they have what they need as and when. I manage the income well.

I'm not sure why people think it's so expensive, unless you're constantly buying them things, getting everything off of the 'must have' lists for babies and paying through the nose for everything. That again is parental choice, but so much of it is excessive.

@Lidlisthebusiness Driving lessons for 6 kids? University fees?

They're not all going to learn to drive at the same time, are they? Our eldest is 16.5, our youngest just turned 1, so we have ample time to sort that out for each individual, when and if the time comes. Also, they will be encouraged to work and fund these things themselves. They each have a small inheritance from my Mum they can use too.
The same applies for uni, it's not a requirement in life.

@Lidlisthebusiness But if all six of yours want to go to uni, can you realistically afford it? Because it surely wouldn't be fair to support one but not another.
Do you work then?

I was a SAHM while my children were under school aged. Personally I loved it as I find little children fascinating with their funny little personalities. We did baby signing, baby massage, bang and clang. While they were napping I studied for a CertHE in a really obscure subject. When my youngest went back to school I started working freelance in the field I'd been employed in before. My youngest can't remember me being at home with her, she commented recently on how I'd always worked as she was convinced I hadn't been a SAHM.

For me the hardest part was the judgement from other people. People love to see a snapshot of your life at a certain point and make all sorts of unfounded assumptions about the type of person you are.

After being a SAHM, I career changed several times, got advanced degrees and now work as a university lecturer. But I'll always treasure the years I spent solely focused on my kids. I'm autistic and must confess making them my new special interest came really easy.