Would you be a sahp?

[UraniumFlowerpot]

I’ve noticed a theme of advice along the lines of never give up your career / income to care for kids because who knows what might happen down the line with the earning partner, you might find yourself single and penniless.

I’m currently considering my options when baby arrives later this year. Hadn’t ever planned to be a sahp but husband out-earns me many times over and I’m finding my career motivation mostly gone by now. Just naturally reached a plateau and got bored. Seems pointlessly stressful to work and put baby in full time childcare for a salary that will realistically make no difference to our standard of living. Current career couldn’t be picked up again after a break, I could return later to something else likely for less money. Current career could, at a stretch, support a family. Potential careers after a break almost certainly couldn’t.

I’ve talked with DH about the vulnerability of giving up work, he’s very happy to pay generously into pension and savings for me — not sure how much difference this legally makes since it would all be matrimonial assets anyway, but the understanding and willingness is there. He’s not pushing me to give up work but definitely values that role a lot. I also already have savings from before marriage that would see me through a transition period if we split, and a small pension (plus up to date with NI payments).

So my question to mumsnet is: What amount of personal or matrimonial assets, or what arrangement with the earning partner, would make you feel comfortable with the decision to become a sahp or substantially reduce earning potential to better accommodate kids?

@Untalkative it’s good to know that I must be an uninteresting person because I made the choice to be a stay at home parent!

I should inform everyone in my life that I am honoured they allow me to be in their presence even though I must be so uninteresting!

@Untalkative it’s odd that you choose to deem someone uninteresting because they are a SAHP. I find it stranger to judge someone as a whole person based on a life decision like that!

I was a SAHM for 7 years and then a PT teacher until my eldest went to secondary school. I always say they were the happiest years of my life.
We were able to afford it, still had holidays etc but weren't flush with money. However, there was no stress, no rushing about sorting out childcare, the house was tidy and organised and DH pulled his weight when he was at home.
I returned to FT teaching and ended up in a senior position, working for the LEA in a dream job. Maybe I was lucky, I certainly wouldn't change a thing.
Don't worry about what others think of you OP, do what makes you happy.

I'd never be a SAHM. I could be now if I wanted to as DH is a high earner but I have absolutely no desire to and never have.

I'd never willingly give up my career.

I didn't enjoy my job when I decided to have dcs and becoming a sahm was a key driver in my decision to have dcs at all. DH is a very high earner and we are financially secure, which includes assets and passive income of my own, so finances weren't a big factor. I have full access to household income and pay the max into my pension and ISAs - I have more going into these savings than most full-time workers I know put into their pensions, and I'm skilled at investing so it has grown well amd I'm not worried about retirement finances at all. We've not had to make financial sacrifices and the dcs go to private school, we holiday abroad a few times a year, we live in a house in central London. I don't think I can put a figure on the minimum amount of assets I would need to feel comfortable with - in our case, there were much less assets at the start but I felt secure because I knew I would be able to return to a financially secure position on my own from nothing (I knew this because I have done it before). Our agreement was that all money is household money.

DH is very hands-on and doesn't work long hours and never works away. We chose to live close to his office so he can be home by 5.30pm and be a fully involved parent, he spends 4.5 hours actively parenting on a weekday, plus all weekends.

I've really enjoyed my time as a sahm, including all the baby and toddler classes and play sessions, trips to the zoo, parks, theatre, museums and libraries. It's been lovely watching them grow and develop, and to be able to spend school holidays as we wish. We used high quality preschools from age 2.5, so I've been able to get a break, and my youngest will be in ft school from September, so I will have much more time to myself (I won't be returning to work then, I have lots of interests and projects planned).

@Floatsflat What did you do job-wise before you gave up work?

It’s almost like men and women are different.

🤣 well this went exactly as I thought it would. I commented just after this thread was posted saying I am a sahm and would never judge anyone for their life choices. I’ve just sat down and thought I would have a read through and I have been called, stupid, boring, unintelligent, embarrassing, lacking ambition and integrity amongst other things! Complete respect to the women who have responded saying they could never be a sahm as it’s not for them for whatever reason - it’s takes all sorts of people to make the world go round! Perhaps those people who have spent all day on this thread talking about how dreadful my life must be should take an inward look to see if their life is as fulfilling as they believe it to be 😆

How many children do you have, @Floatsflat?

I've been a SAHM for nearly 4 years after our second baby was born. I struggled going back to work after our first baby...long commute, quite a big stressful job, not flexible. Just feeling like I was away from my baby too much. I had progressed in the company but to be honest I felt like I'd reached where I wanted to get to and wasn't feeling as ambitious as before having kids.

I wasn't sure if I'd be a SAHM for this long but my DH getting a big promotion means that financially I don't need to work. I never really expected to love it so much but it is a complete joy to have spent so much time with my kids (eldest is in year 1 and youngest is nearly 4, she does 15 hrs a week preschool and starts reception in Sept). I do plan to go back to work though, just not in the same field as I was in previously.

I have worked full time with 3 children and much prefer to be a sahm. Yes going to work was all lovely with lots of chat and conversation and feeling like I was ‘me’ but I hated it. I didn’t see my children from 7.30am-5pm and when I got home I had to juggle spending time time with them and doing other things that needed to be done. Dh travels a lot with work and wasn’t there mostly, but that’s not the bit I minded the doing everything myself, it was not having time for the children. What on earth is the point having them to just never see them - because I want to feel fulfilled? I have found fulfilment in plenty of other places I don’t need to never see my children to do it. So I went back to being a sahm.

My mother was a SAHM and never once in my life did l think of her as unemployed but rather as possibly the hardest working person l ever knew.
I was a SAHM until my dc were school going age so 7 years for 3 dc. My dh worked a heavy schedule in a medical field and we realised if we were ever going to have family time me being at home worked best. As a teacher l was lucky enough to be able to pick up where l left off and l was able to buy back the pension years l missed so was never too vulnerable financially. I had no self confidence issues as it was totally my own decision not like l had been let go or something.
I loved being at home although l wasn't a natural homemaker like my own Mom . Saying all that l don't feel my dc did any better than their friends whose Moms worked or anything. It was just the right decision for us.

@junebirthdaygirl Totally understand that. But SAHPs are unemployed.

Have you asked your DH why he had children since he never sees them?

@SouthLondonMum22 There are different rules for men and women.
A man often has to work many hours (even if he hates his job) so a woman can be a ft SAHM if she wants which means the dad doesn't see his children much but that doesn't matter because he's a man.
Equality.

Yes we’ve talked many many times over the years about how he is away, how much he doesn’t want to be but how he wants to provide for the children we brought into the world.
Would you feel better if he got a different job and I went to work so neither of us saw the children very much. Or would you feel better if he got a different job and we could sell our house and tell ds we can’t support him through uni, and neither can we support our chronically unwell child she can go fend for herself. What would make you feel better? Are you assuming he just decided to do this one day and I trotted along after him deferring to him?

The fact is he can’t do the job he does where we live so he has to travel. Also when we had our first child 26 years ago he didn’t do this job he was at home. Nor did he do this job when we had our second child 25 years ago. Nor did he do this job 19 years ago when we had our third. Things change, and we changed with it.

However I was still a sahm when the children were very little. I don’t regret a day of it, how could anyone regret looking after the children they chose to have. I count myself fortunate for having the opportunity to do that.

edited to add obviously I am not talking about being a sahm now, my children are in their twenties and I have worked from home for many years and they don’t give a shit where I am. This is when they were younger and dh had to travel to work to support our family.

@whattheysay But what if you both worked and earned money thus sharing the financial load? Would your husband have to be working so many hours then or could he reduce them in order to see his children more? Becuase the children are just as much his as they are yours of course.

I'd feel better if comments such as children are only young once, why have children if you never see them etc were not only aimed towards mothers with careers.

Especially when they come from mothers who are (or were) SAHM's only because their DH never sees their children instead but they are big heroes for providing for their family which isn't the case when a woman has a career because she wants to provide for her family.

If I could I would believe me but he’s a very high earner and the cut he would take by doing a similar ish role here would be a massive cut which I could not make up. I have worked from home for nearly 15 yrs which was so lucky as one dc got very sick and someone needed to be at home at all times. My work pays quite well depending on the amount of work I put in but it would not come close to making up what dh would lose unfortunately
Also he works from home when he’s not travelling so he’s home a lot now sometimes for weeks at a time but in the early days it wasn’t like that so much

editing again to add - of course they’re his children too but children have to be provided for so that’s what he does. Children also need to be looked after so that’s what I did. Of course I ‘gave up’ my life and chance of career after uni etc but I dont regret it because I did it for my children. And I am far from an earth mother type, I love nothing more than talking politics or whatever shite with lots of alcohol and cigarettes preferably in a bar somewhere I certainly never talked about babies and cleaning the house I had lots of friends and we did lots together without the children, same with dh and I we go away together holidays and nights out we always have done. I just wanted to look after the kids myself

I am not aiming it at women only at all. Children need a parent, any parent. And it’s certainly not aimed at any parent working because they are providing for their family. I have been there. Dh didn’t work away when the dc were born he saw them lots and was very hands on. We have been poor as fuck. I was a sahm then I worked full time as did dh and he took another job which involved travel because we had a whole family to support. The children wouldn’t have thanked us for seeing them everyday when we lost our house and couldn’t feed them. People do what they have to do to survive. When we were in a position for me to not work I stopped working outside the home.
It’s aimed at the ones who quite frankly put themselves first because being with their own children is so boring and unfulfilling they couldn’t possibly put their children first. They’re who I don’t understand why they had children in the first place.

@whattheysay I suppose it depends on your priorities as parents.
Both DH and I work to provide for our daughter but definitely not high earners. We don't have a lavish lifestyle by any stretch but we have everything we need because we work together to both earn.
The massive advantage of that is that we are both very present parents in our daughter's life because to us, our daughter having two equally present parents is worth far more than just having one. DH loves to do bedtime put-downs (he does more than I do), spends hours with our little one at the park, baking together, playing Daddy Robot, and just rejoices in her company.
She's his first and last and didn't come along until he was mid forties so I think he counts his blessings in terms of being a daddy. Yes admittedly she does have him wrapped around her little finger, but seeing their close bond for me and us is more than money can ever buy.

Yes you’re right and that’s what we had, two present and involved parents. I was a sahm, dh worked but came back early enough in the evenings and was with us all weekend. We didn’t have loads of money but we always had everything we needed. Then things changed quite drastically so we had to change with it. Life doesn’t follow a lovely straight line forever, and we chose what we chose because that’s what we needed at the time. I don’t regret being a sahm for the children and dh and I don’t regret deciding he would go away to work because that was also for the children.
I certainly don’t regret putting my children before myself as many other posters on here have said they have done (not you)

Come on now, it is largely aimed at women. Maybe not you personally but overall it most definitely is. Very rarely are men asked why they had children in the first place or reminded that children are only little once.

There's also still the general thought with some people that women should only work when they have to, not because they want to. It is women that are expected to give up careers and everything they have worked for, some men do it of course but they are in a minority and are largely not expected to do it or even adjust their career at all when children are born.

For both DH and I, it is important that we both contribute financially despite the fact that one of us could stay at home if we wanted to as it means we can work flexibly around each other and both spend quality time with our children, not just one of us and I feel that is putting our children first.

Oh yes you are definitely right, it’s all steeped in misogyny or patriarchy or both. I am not even sure if I was party to it myself when my first was born. It was 25+ years ago and I’d never even heard the words before, there was no internet but there was no question I would be the one to look after the children not dh. However it was what I wanted , at no time did I ever think I want to be at work and I’m not really allowed to or even that I wanted to be at work at all. I was so happy to be with them so maybe that means I was not part of it. I was also at the same time very woke before anyone had ever heard of woke. Feminist, anti racism, anti homophobia, pro choice all of that so I never saw myself as anything other than doing what I, and dh, wanted to do. But I couldn’t say if we were just acting out what society expected of us because I have no idea.

But yes women are judged, for not being with their children and choosing to work and being with their children and choosing not to work. I judge because I can’t understand why someone would have a child and choose to not look after them if finances allow her or him not to. And many others have judged other women too on here. We think that we don’t but we have our own thoughts and think we are correct in how we think and anyone who thinks differently is just not thinking the right way.
Ultimately I don’t care what anyone does, apart from when I come across a random Mumsnet thread I don’t give it any thought at all but I still have an opinion and to me, that opinion is the correct one. Everyone’s the same, probably why the world is in such a mess right now.

I imagine because in the majority of cases, it involves becoming financially dependent on someone else which isn't something everyone will feel comfortable with. It's a reason why I wouldn't personally be a SAHM but also because I love my career, have worked incredibly hard for it, love financially contributing to my family and don't see why I should give it up.

It goes back to my previous point where the pressure always seems to be on the woman to give up everything when she becomes a mother but the same doesn't apply to the man when he becomes a father.

Ultimately, people are going to do what they want to do if they have a choice as both you and I have done on opposite ends which is a reason why I don't believe either choice is more selfish.

I feel it’s important to note at this point that I am also a super genius. Not out of any relevance to the thread, just to make sure everyone knows 😉

So far I find interacting with babies and small kids very rewarding, for the most part. But aware that’s only ever for a few hours at a time. Whole days may feel quite different! The general answer to who most values time with children must be built on a complex network of personality traits and socialization.