Would you be a sahp?

[UraniumFlowerpot]

I’ve noticed a theme of advice along the lines of never give up your career / income to care for kids because who knows what might happen down the line with the earning partner, you might find yourself single and penniless.

I’m currently considering my options when baby arrives later this year. Hadn’t ever planned to be a sahp but husband out-earns me many times over and I’m finding my career motivation mostly gone by now. Just naturally reached a plateau and got bored. Seems pointlessly stressful to work and put baby in full time childcare for a salary that will realistically make no difference to our standard of living. Current career couldn’t be picked up again after a break, I could return later to something else likely for less money. Current career could, at a stretch, support a family. Potential careers after a break almost certainly couldn’t.

I’ve talked with DH about the vulnerability of giving up work, he’s very happy to pay generously into pension and savings for me — not sure how much difference this legally makes since it would all be matrimonial assets anyway, but the understanding and willingness is there. He’s not pushing me to give up work but definitely values that role a lot. I also already have savings from before marriage that would see me through a transition period if we split, and a small pension (plus up to date with NI payments).

So my question to mumsnet is: What amount of personal or matrimonial assets, or what arrangement with the earning partner, would make you feel comfortable with the decision to become a sahp or substantially reduce earning potential to better accommodate kids?

I’m really grateful for the many thoughtful comments here (and a few not so thoughtful!), it’s really helped to clarify some things for me.

Most importantly, I realize the question for me is more about what is my top priority rather than exactly how many hours of paid work I do. A combination of circumstances means that if I’m serious about continuing my current career then part time is out of the question and mat leave would need to be severely limited. The next 18 months would need to be obsessively focused on work. Many posters have suggested extended maternity leave, a few years career break then returning part time, maybe in a different field etc.. All those compromise positions have been collected together in my mind as family focused and therefore much closer to the full sah option. I should try to be less black and white about it. I also realize that a career break until baby is 3 (for example) could easily become a break of 6+ years if baby 2 comes along, leaving me well into my 40s and a bit lost career-wise. That’s quite scary. Maybe something great will come along but I can’t assume. While I like the idea of studying at the same time as parenting I feel with 2 masters and a PhD I’ve already maxed out my education.

A lot of discussion about whether full time working parents miss anything regarding home and kids, especially once those kids are at school. I’m sure flexible & home working can help a lot, but if we’re talking about 2 standard full time out of the house jobs, of course that means less time and energy for family stuff. I grew up in that situation. I didn’t feel neglected or resentful of this at all but there was definitely a lot of waiting around in childcare settings, there were definitely things missed out on, of course it makes a difference. Also, every interesting and rewarding job I’ve had also spilled out beyond official working hours. I would count working the specific 6 hours kids are at school and there’s no impact outside of that time as being much closer to the sahm option than the career option, for me.

In the end the decision might be out of my conscious control. Much as I’m trying to push on with work and not make any big decisions until the baby is actually here, I find myself increasingly disconnected and distracted. Maybe it’s just time for me to move on from that particular path anyway and find something different.

Nothing would make me be a sahp. I never wanted to end up like my mum, single, kids and no way to provide for them as I hadn’t worked in years and had no real qualifications.

When my children were young it was hard, my career just ticked along working part time. But I kept my hand in so to speak so that as soon as they were old enough, I got a better, more fulfilling full time job. Even if we took money out of it, I could not have just been at home with kids all day every day. I would not have found that mentally fulfilling.

There are some assumptions in this post:

”If baby two comes along…”
”While I like the idea of studying and parenting…”

1. You might have one and want no more.
2. You might find there’s not time for both: parenting is all-consuming. My mother studied for a Masters while I was a child and one of my abiding memories is asking for and needing her attention and not getting enough of it. I think this has contributed to mental health problems and an avoidant attachment style today in my forties.

You can keep repeating it but it doesn’t make it true. Just as those in full time education, people who are retired are not unemployed either.

Factually you are only unemployed if you’re actively seeking work, if you are not in paid work for any reason, even for caring purposes, and you are not actually looking for work then you are not unemployed.

Using the real meaning of words important.

1. Yes that’s why I said “if”. Recognizing the possibility of baby#2 makes me aware that initially time bound decisions can get stretched. It’s not a certainly, obviously.
2. If you read the end of that sentence you’ll see I have no intention of studying and parenting, I merely said it’s a nice idea. Which it is.

And this is from the poster with the genius level IQ...

True.

I am classed as a carer to my two DC with additional needs. And also a part time student. No, I am not seeking employment currently.

You didn't quote her whole sentence though, she said 'While I like the idea of studying at the same time as parenting I feel with 2 masters and a PhD I’ve already maxed out my education' meaning she's not planning to do any further study.

@goz What rubbish!
So you are saying a SAHP is employed? Or is "actively not looking for work" a better way of putting it?

No; I read it all.

The OP’s reason for not doing further study with a child (“I have two masters and a PhD so have done enough study already”, rather than “Parenting may be so all consuming that I can’t manage both”) shows a level of naivety.

As to “If baby number two comes along”: having a single child is still not the norm, so I assumed that if did not include “If I don’t want a second” - but recognise that was an assumption, so sorry about that.

There is not simply employed or unemployed, hope that helps.
Your opinion is not fact.
In the UK sahps are not classed as unemployed.

@goz OK. We can leave it as "Not in paid employment."

Personally I've seen too many divorces up close to ever risk my financial independence. Even if your DH is high earner and in theory it's all joint and family money, it really isn't and he can decide to stop supporting you at any time. Just too risky.

About 60% of separated parents have a child support arrangement and of those, half will not get anything. Median monthly payment for those who do get child maintenance is 41 pounds through CMS and 61 if it's a private arrangement according to Professor Susan Harkness et al – Written Evidence (CMI0104), Response to the House of Lords Inquiry into Child Maintenance.

So even if I wanted to be a SAHM, I would not do it unless I actually had enough wealth and assets that can generate sufficient income to provide my kids with a reasonably comfortable lifestyle.
(edited for typos)

I've been a sahp @UraniumFlowerpot and I would do it under these circumstances:
*married
*supportive dh who sees the value in what you do
*previous education and employment so that you are employable afterwards
*pay NI etc
*ideally work you can get back into and or the possibility of retraining
Being a sahp was the right decision for me and my family. It was only ever going to be temporary whilst I had preschoolers at home.

I would also add - do you personally feel there is value in what you are doing by staying home. I think that's vital tbh as people around you will no doubt have their opinions.

I've done both and before I became a unintended SAHP I never would have thought it was me.
After my first I went back to work four days a week and continued until I was made redundant. My daughter was now school and I was pregnant with my second. I've not been in work for a year and I loved the career I had but it's changed and there's massive deinvestment in the industry. The job market is tough in the UK and I want the step away. I was looking at alternative careers staying adjacent to the industry but over the last year I've realised the benefits of being at home. I wasn't expecting my daughter to need more of me once she was in school rather than less and maternity leave my second is so much more enjoyable than with my first as she was a reflux allergy covid baby making it a very difficult year. I now have a close circle of friends which I didn't have when I was working. I'm mirroring the social interactions with my daughter which she didn't get to see before. I get things done whilst she is at school so we can spend more quality time as a family.
I have reevaluated what I would be looking for from my next job and it's one that's much more flexible and can work around school maybe less career focus for a while. I have decided to step away from lab work and maybe move into more people focused roles but if I was to be a SAHP for three or four years that would be okay my partner would love to do reduce his hours but his field doesn't really permit part-time working.
We are paying into my pension, I get my NI contributions through child benefit. We always based on one salary so money isn't an issue we haven't had to change our lifestyle at all. Both both of our mums worked but with flexibility. My mum works evenings and shift work and my dad worked day so we were always with a parent. My MIL worked school hours.

If you think you will enjoy it, value it yourself and find it fulfilling, I would do it for a few years at least.

Personally I did it for over 10 (three kids), loved it, wouldn’t do it any differently if I could redo it. I enjoyed all the time with my DC, DH valued everything I did as did I, contributed a lot as a volunteer both at school and in my NCT branch.

When my youngest started school I got a term time only job so that I’d still have the holidays with them. Personally I had no problem getting a job after 10 years out.

Of course it’s not for everyone, but if you think it’s for you - I would take the opportunity and enjoy it.

Yes that’s a risk that I certainly took. I was very aware of it but still chose what I chose. We got married which was very important for me, and tbh I had no doubt that if I needed to I would find work and be able to support myself and children as best as I could.
I am university educated also having studied during the early sahm years, I would have happily studied/retrained further, I am intelligent (not genius level!) and very capable. Why wouldn’t I have found a job, in fact I did find a job when our finances went to shit for a period through no fault of anyone and I worked too to support all of us. I gave the job up when I couldn’t cope with everything anymore after a few years, I could hardly give up the children and carry on working so it was obvious which one had to go. I was fortunate to be in a position to be able to do that and also fortunate to have been able, a few years later, to start my own business and work from home.

Also there’s a lot of talk on here about careers, prospects, promotion etc but many, many women who work don’t have jobs which are careers or in a profession. They have jobs which can be picked up after many years away from the workplace.

Regardless of what plans we might make sometimes life happens. If I’d have worked out of the home when one of my children became seriously ill I’d have had to leave the job as I needed to be at home for a few years. Dh earned more than I did so it wasn’t going to be him giving up his job, it’s not because I am the woman it’s about money. Something we needed in order to be able survive. It wasn’t really an option for me to say I needed to carry on working because I have to protect my financial future.

I think you have touched on a really salient point here.

Far from it being, as is the contention of some on here, dull and boring types who sah, in my experience it is often, in fact, the better qualified with more interesting careers.

I note your points about having a doctorate and also about your job requiring extra hours etc, and I think this is a very relevant aspect of the decision.

If truth be told, better and more challenging roles tend not to be the ones that fit easily around childcare hours. They often require extra hours and a degree of focus that the 9 to 5 style employment does not. They also tend to be roles that get taken on by the "give it my all" personality types, and I think that sort of role is much harder to slot around dipping in and out of family life, and that sort of personality also does it less happily.

I guess that is why I know lots of very high flyers who step out to sah - quite the opposite to what many have suggested.

I’m a SAHM to an 18 month old. It wasn’t the original plan - I wanted to go back part time but my work denied this request, so it was either put our child in full time nursery plus arrange wraparound care (we don’t have grandparents nearby to help) or I stop working. His hours can be crazy, and we decided it was best for us as a family unit for the time being to have someone at home full time.

Do I enjoy it? Not all day every day, but in the round yes I do. I love seeing my child’s little milestones each day and I find I can be more present for myself during her nap times etc. I still manage to read, listen to podcasts and maintain my sense of self. What I would say is of huge importance is having friends with kids of the same age - I met one through NCT, another on the app Peanut and others through mutual friends. We have drinks together, host meals for ourselves and the kids at each others’ homes and arrange activities. Having them around has been a total lifeline and my experience would be very different without them.

My husband has maxed out my ISA and I have independent savings and spending money so I’m able to maintain independence. I don’t see this as a forever situation, but for now it’s working and I think trying to resist it would have actually made things harder. It’s given us flexibility to travel and more room for spontaneity in our lives. I plan to go back to work once my children are in school, but for now I’m leaning in.

I am the complete opposite of the first few posters, in that I don't believe having children and working is compatible. Before I had our first, I worked with very career driven women, only 2 of whom had children, who they never saw. I have never understood the point of having children just to palm them off on to paid help. It opened my eyes to see that work is just that, it's a job, and in the grand scheme of things very few jobs hold any importance.

Me being a SAHM was one of the first decisions we made when we found out I was pregnant, and I've been at home with them ever since. We have 6 children now, and I have never once regretted the decision to be with them and find my role very fulfilling. With the nature of my husband's job, it was imperative to us that one parent was always around, and our chosen lifestyle means me working would be very difficult.

This is what works for us though, and our choices may not work in the same way for others families, so it's all very well gathering opinions, but that is all they are.

@Lidlisthebusiness Yes but you must be incredibly wealthy in the first place if you can afford six children!!

Does this mean that your DH never sees his children?

no no, the husband who works all the hours in very challenging career and is never home is also simultaneously a super involved caring perfect father.
It's only mothers who can't work and have children at the same time. 🙄

Your husband seems to think work and parenting is compatible.

We both work, we use 1.5 hours of childcare a week.