Would you be a sahp?

[UraniumFlowerpot]

I’ve noticed a theme of advice along the lines of never give up your career / income to care for kids because who knows what might happen down the line with the earning partner, you might find yourself single and penniless.

I’m currently considering my options when baby arrives later this year. Hadn’t ever planned to be a sahp but husband out-earns me many times over and I’m finding my career motivation mostly gone by now. Just naturally reached a plateau and got bored. Seems pointlessly stressful to work and put baby in full time childcare for a salary that will realistically make no difference to our standard of living. Current career couldn’t be picked up again after a break, I could return later to something else likely for less money. Current career could, at a stretch, support a family. Potential careers after a break almost certainly couldn’t.

I’ve talked with DH about the vulnerability of giving up work, he’s very happy to pay generously into pension and savings for me — not sure how much difference this legally makes since it would all be matrimonial assets anyway, but the understanding and willingness is there. He’s not pushing me to give up work but definitely values that role a lot. I also already have savings from before marriage that would see me through a transition period if we split, and a small pension (plus up to date with NI payments).

So my question to mumsnet is: What amount of personal or matrimonial assets, or what arrangement with the earning partner, would make you feel comfortable with the decision to become a sahp or substantially reduce earning potential to better accommodate kids?

#doublestandards!

For sure worried about being judged and looked down on.

Then I wouldn't come on here. MN hates a SAHM.

If you want to be one, then be one - I would say it has been the privilege of my life to have done it. But if it it doesn't suit your temperament then don't. And you probably won't know that until your baby is here.

Financially, it sounds as if you are in a good position so I'm not sure I'd let that factor in too much - decide who you want to be.

It’s okay for you to make a different choice.
Your choice only need to suit your life.

It would be very rare that two parents working full time would be able to flex their hours enough to only use childcare for 1.5 hours a week without feeling like they’re basically working opposite shifts and still having to do anything in between.
To me that doesn’t sound enjoyable or work it, but that’s why it’s not my choice.

Ultimately OP, I’d suggest the order of decision making needs to be:

1. Wait until your baby is here so you can make an informed assessment of how much you enjoy caring full time for babies/small kids.
2. If you do enjoy it and therefore would consider being a SAHM, weigh up the many insightful views and considerations from this thread’s posts.

Exactly. There are always so many double standards like that on threads like this.

No I wouldn't become a SAHP regardless of how much but probably because I have seen first hand the vulnerability of it as a position either through death, marriage breakdown or relationship equity.

I think fundamentally there is usually a complete lack of understanding over time which can end up as resentment. The working partner often doesn't realise that a SAHP shouldn't mean 24/7 sole responsibility for all children and household aspects and the SAHP becomes exasperated by lack of understanding and willingness to help in 90% of cases.

Throw in several years out of the workplace means that it's difficult to re-enter the workplace at the same level and it's the perfect storm.

I also wouldn't make any decisions until your a several months into maternity leave with a baby. Many women change their minds by the time their child is 18 months old as suddenly a lot of support network is back working.

Yes and the expectation is that they go years without adult time. Some women I know haven't had a date night for years. 7 years and things like that. They have sex about 2 or 3 times a year.

They expect things to change when the kids are in secondary school.

@HappyClapper100are you suggesting from your anecdata that a woman working while also raising children is the death knell of the marital sex life?

Not women working. Both parents working opposite schedules to reduce childcare fees/outsourcing.

@HappyClapper100ah I see, thanks.

It’s really not that bad.

Here, one of us works 7-3, the other 8:30-4:30.

That’s drop off and collection sorted, with breakfast/after school club on the odd occasion one of us has an office day/meetings that mean drop off or collect is more difficult.

Everyone in the house is done with their school and work by 4:30pm.

Hardly a relationship killer, or rocket science to organise.

@HappyClapper100 Tbf if my husband worked all of the hours but had very limited time with our child then that would be the end of our marriage because I wouldn't respect him as a father.

How do you not use wrap around on a normal day when the latest worker needs to begin work by 8:30? Even 8:20 would be very early to leave a child at most primary schools if they aren’t in wraparound, particularly one you say behaves like a 2.5 year old.

I did once baby no 3 came along as I was freelance and it was just too much as I did most of the work in the evenings, I didn’t want to use childcare (inlaws looked aftdr the for a few hours a week when I had to do site visits). My dh thankfully earns easily enough for me to be at home so that’s what I’ve done for 15 years and it’s worked well. I have had my own small business over that time but I’ve still been at home and with kids iyswim. I have felt a loss of identity but I’m getting that back now. It’s all personal choice and I didn’t let anyone else’s opinion (apart from dh and he’d support me whatever I wanted to do) influence me, even judgy relatives. It’s been the right thing for us. I feel very lucky to have had the choice, no regrets.

wfh probably

but she isn’t on trial here!

@UraniumFlowerpot Since I had kids, my priorities changed, and I wanted to stay home rather than focus on my career. I’ve always been very career-oriented and sacrificed a lot to get where I am I even completed a PhD while raising two tiny kids.

I’m lucky that I’ve been able to be a SAHM do that for a while (my husband earns well), but honestly, it was challenging. It’s much easier to go to work than to stay home full-time. I’m very social, and I felt isolated from the world.

I decided to go back to work part-time. This way, I get the best of both worlds: time with my kids, time for myself, space to handle chores, and also to earn some money. Staying home full-time just didn’t work for me.

For all those saying to wait until the baby is here to make any decisions…

My concern is that doing so will lead me into a career break by default. It’s unfortunate timing, but my current career needs serious effort if I want to continue it, including max 3-4 months of mat leave. Not ideal but sometimes careers do have crunch points that require extra effort to get through: contracts ending, additional competition for funding, a recent low output year meaning I need to prove myself again, that sort of thing. Anyway, if I go back to that we would get a nanny. Firstly, it takes time to find a good nanny, that’s something we need to start investigating probably before the baby even arrives. Secondly, I’m suspect my hormones at 3 months will tell me it’s impossible to leave the baby so to follow this plan I’d need a strong decision in advance and to tell myself it’s non negotiable. Tbh I’m already feeling like that path probably isn’t feasible, which it's why my motivation at work has dropped so much.

Right now, a career break and returning to something different, perhaps more flexible, but yes lower paid feels like the natural and easier and better for the family choice. Even though I never expected I’d make that choice. So I’m trying to work through the implications of both options as best I can before the hormones completely take over. Yes it would have been lovely to get pregnant while in a completely stable career position with the option to take a long maternity leave and go part time for a while with minimal long term consequences. But that’s not my reality.

Very similar to us. Though our DC are not in school yet so do go to nursery but it minimises long days for all of us and it also means that we can both still continue our careers and be as flexible as we can so we can both also spend quality time with DC.

As someone who has been there, done both and is currently taking some time out I think you should just stick at your job for now.
Get through pregnancy, have the baby, take as long of a mat leave as you want and assess where you are then.
There’s simply no benefit to quitting before actually having the baby or being on mat leave.
You’re putting these self imposed ideas in that if you stay in this job you have to do 3 months maternity, but that’s simply not true.

@goz May I ask how old your little ones are? Just that you are on MN a lot throughout the day so guessing they are older?

Even though I never expected I’d make that choice. So I’m trying to work through the implications of both options as best I can before the hormones completely take over.

Pregnancy hormones do change your priorities op. Just wait: a lot changes in terms of your ideas about life. IMO not for the worse either!

His school day is 8:20 - 3:15, and we live round the corner.

Partner does drop off, comes back and works, I log off and collect.

The only time that isn’t a possibility is when one or both of us is office based, which is about twice a month, planned on different days.

So today and tomorrow for example, I’m not there because I’m away for work. He’s in after school club, until 4pm, and then grandad will collect and watch him for half an hour.

That will be the only childcare we’ll need this month.

FWIW, he doesn’t “behave like a 2.5 year old,” he’s severely disabled and cognitively delayed.

I’ve actually not been on MN for months other than a short stint of being unwell right now.
Is that okay with you, or did I need to seek your permission?

@goz Just wondered if you had your little ones as I think you said you're a SAHM. No need to get defensive 😀

Great advice from @goz. Totally agree.