SOCIAL SERVICES

[KiArA01]

okay, so a few days ago over the school holidays my 1 year old daughter hit my 4 year old in the face and cut his eye from her nails. My 4 year old has gone to school and they asked what had happened and he said daddy pushed me. Then he said punched. Then he said pushed again. The school then rang me and ask what happened and I explained that his sister hit him which caused the marks on his eye however yesterday (Monday) at the time I was cooking a big meal for my family with my partner and after being told multiple times to leave the kitchen as I’m in a flat and it’s dangerous for my son to be messing around near a hot cooker and hot pans he refused to leave so my partner raised his voice as we were very cautious we didn’t want my son to hurt himself and then my 4 year old started sweating at my partner and I said ‘don’t speak to your dad like that’ and my son replied ‘I hate you’ and my partner then had enough and he said this and went to go and put my son in his room for some time out however he ran off into the living room and tripped over the safety gate and my partner tried to grab the back on his clothes to stop him from falling which I think my son has took that as he’s pushed him as he couldn’t stop him falling in time. Now the school have rang social services and they have removed my partner from the house and said they are going to be having a meeting today with the police and school and possibly health worker to see what is needed. My partner had to sleep on a park bench last night as he had nowhere to go and my son has said this before and it got NFA’d as he was lying and my son has been telling me last night he was lying and 2 of his friends from school told him to say this. I’m unsure on what to do as it feels like the school are just out to get my partner as it’s not the first time my son has lied about something like this.
any advice would be much appreciated!

Yet you introduced a new man into his life when he was 6 months old and have two more children subsequently all in the space of a few years. I'm not doubting your story but you most defineitly don't put your children first.. if you did you wouldn't be jumping into a new relationship with a newborn and five minutes out of an abusive one.

It may feel unfair but getting into a new relationship so soon after having your son and splitting is often a red flag too.

It’s very early to introduce a new partner after an abusive relationship and all the trauma that goes along with that for both of you.

I know you said your son is being assessed and is possibly neurodivergent but I wonder if the possibility of developmental trauma has been explored because of the pre/post birth trauma you both experienced.

The impact of trauma can present in a similar way to neurodivergence and it could explain some of his behaviour. Behaviour is communication and he’s telling you something isn’t ok for him. That doesn’t just go away without support for lots of kids.

Maybe he’s really struggling with two young siblings at such a young age too.

If you are absolutely, 100% honestly saying your partner cannot have hurt your son at all then you need to be thinking about what is going on here and actually social services could help there. It could give you access to some therapeutic parenting training and support. Have a look at PACE and attachment parenting. Your partner should too.

You also need to urgently look at how you can find a home that meets the needs of your family.

I notice you said your son is waiting on an adhd/autism assessment. Do you think he might be displaying signs of Demand Avoidance. Some of what you have said make me think this could be a profile here.
The equalizing with adults, swearing, saying I hate you. It is sometimes diagnosed as ODD but quite likely PDA.

Or signs of trauma.

I would have a serious talk with your son about telling the truth, in the most age appropriate way possible. Distinguish the difference between truth and lies. Ask him why he lied, and tell him the consequences his lies are causing and could cause in a worst case scenario.

I would be concerned that should nothing come of this occurrence, your son may just lie again. The more he makes up lies of this nature against your DP the worse it will become. This needs nipping in the bud right now.

As others have said, you must work with SS as best as you can. Show them you have a happy, safe, clean home, and that you're children are happy and well cared for. As we all know, accidents happen, its just very unfortunate your son has chosen to lie about what's going on. Does your DS get along well with your DP? Does DP treat him well? No shouting or swearing at him? I know of a case of a little boy injuring himself and lying to school to say his stepdad did it, which he didn't, but he was shouting at him quite a lot and the boy basically wanted him gone. Im not saying its the case your DP is verbally abusive towards him, but perhaps assess whether his treatment of your DS may be encouraging him to lie about physical abuse. Have a good talk with DS to get his side of things the best you can.

Sorry youre going through this OP, can't imagine what you must be going through. Try and assure yourself knowing SS are only doing their job, and if they didn't investigate such accusations there would be a lot of children in danger right now, and worse. Once they see what a wonderful mother you are they won't take further action against you, but I would be worried they might encourage or force your DP to leave. All you can do is go through it and see what happens really, I dont think anyones advice will change anything here.

You understand he’s 4 right.

Yea i can read, thanks :) if hes old enough to talk, swear, and tell lies, then hes old enough to have conversations about importance of telling the truth and not telling lies that could destroy lives.

You met your partner and from the age of 6 months your son knew him as dad. So how long did you know him before having him around your baby? How long have you actually know him before having children with him? You have had two more children, with this man, in this time? In a two bed flat you say isnt big enough and he cannot do normal things in.

We’re in a very small flat and he cannot do anything he wants to do like you would in a normal house which is what I have been told by a lot of professionals
How many professionals have you had involved and why?

And then My partner had to sleep on a park bench last night as he had nowhere to go He has no friends and no family at all? Between you both you couldnt find him somewhere to sleep? This is a major red flag and a series of poor choices. Why does he not have one friend he could call? This tells me more about him than your story tbh.

I believe the child. Children with ASD are more likely to be mistreated in the home.

PDA is controversial. Trauma is far more likely here.

A 4 year old who speaks the way this child speak, and acts the way this child acts, does not need a telling off about lying. He needs a lot more help than that.

A 4 year old behaving that way comes from a certain type of home, and we all know what that means and the sort of family life he has. Let’s not beat about the bush. It’s pretty clear from mum’s actions that this kid isn’t in a good situation. Abusive dad, then a new man brought in when he was a tiny baby, immediately new kids in the home…

His behaviour is not his fault. It’s not as simply as a big talk about not lying and the consequences of lying. Look at his home life, think about how he is learning all that language.

This child needs a lot of outside help, and giving him into trouble is absolutely not the way to help him.

I never once said he needed telling off. He needs to learn the consequences of his actions. I agree the type of home sounds far from ideal, but it doesnt mean that hes being abused. Hes not living in an ideal scenario no, and the lying stems from that, but that doesnt make it okay. It needs to be addressed. As do the underlying causes, of course, and SS can help OP with this. What i don't understand is everyone acting as if SS should nab OPs kids off her cos shes living in a flat. Many kids live in a flat. Its not ideal, but its better than being homeless. Again SS could help with this too. Everyone also seems to have decided her DP is a child abuser which is barbaric. We dont know hes an abuser, we dont know hes innocent. Thats for SS to determine. I highly doubt OP would post a fabricated version of events to make herself feel better, as lying warrants no comfort.

Haven’t RTFT but those who say a 4 year old wouldn’t lie, some do. My son had a tantrum in the shop because I wouldn’t buy him sweets and lay on the floor SCREAMING ‘she’s kicking me! stop kicking me!’

The fact I was very obviously not kicking him was helpful in this case but still!

Then neither of you was properly supervising your children. With young pre - school aged children you can't both be in the kitchen area preparing food, one of you needs to be supervising the children adequately

Or the children need to be somewhere safe eg a stair gate across the unsafe part of the kitchen or a playpen.

How do you think single parents, or parents with a partner who isn’t around during meal times manage?

You ensure the child(ren) are in a safe environment.

Indeed <sigh> which could mean sending them out of the kitchen, eg not a safe environment.

Sorry but I agree with the other poster. I don’t think this mother has put her kids needs first at all. Particularly the eldest.

Sound advice.

With loads of typos as I wasn’t wearing my glasses 😬

The child went to school on the Monday - the day after they had the Sunday roast. He was hurt by the baby on Sunday.
I think.

Quite.

This is bizarre. My child’s feelings would come first, why is he so against your partner? I would be spending some time with your four year old to find out what is going on. This is strange, you say you put your son first always, so do that.

Too many red flags here.
Your 4 year old shouldn't be swearing for a start. Where's he hearing this so often that he now uses it to shout at people? Wherever it is, he shouldn't be being exposed to it at this age.
Then, you say he lies, really? Mostly children that age don't lie about abusive situations - or at least they may deny it's happening but they don't usually make it up. You say he's said this before. I'd believe him. Hopefully, social services will to.
Imagine being 4 and being hurt by someone at home and nobody believes you when you speak up. It's how tragedies happen.
You say you put your kids first but nothing that you say indicates that. In fact you seem more interested in keeping a man around than your son's welfare.
Put your kids first. Organise yourself without a man who is accused of hurting them.

You have four children in a small flat that isn't safe and yet you both cook Sunday dinner together and expect a 4 year old to stay in the other room while you do so? You seem to have a tenuous grasp of the maturity of a young child. It may seem like a catalogue of unfortunate incidents but even your version of events paints a picture of a chaotic stressful environment. As for your partner sleeping on a park bench - that is really weird concerning behaviour. He should have stayed in a b&b or with friends and/or family. My advice would be to follow all the advice you get from ss and be prepared to learn, because the way you talk about things raises alarm bells. Remember to present your thoughts and interpretations as your perspective not as the truth.

I sometimes wonder if people come on here to get ideas as to what they could use to say to SS to ‘get out of things’.