To be infuriated with social services…

[QuaintLilacBee]

To cut a long story short, my son moved out and went to live with dad, grandma, 2 aunties, aunties boyfriend and a newborn last year. This is not a court ordered arrangement, no social services involvement etc. Child wanted to live with dad and as he has parental responsibility he is allowed by law to keep him and not return him if he doesn’t want to. Dad refuses any contact with me and grandma has taken over - she arranges visits with me, she takes care of him whilst dad works etc. she removed him from the school he was at since pre-school with me, and changed his school.

Recently she took him out of school and is ‘home educating’. After speaking to my child he’s told me that he does no form of education whatsoever. When I text to see him, she often tells me he’s ’still In bed’ at 11 and 12 in the afternoon. He comes to visit me looking exhausted and dishevelled, tells me he’s been awake until 2am on the PlayStation. He spends his entire life on games and has no education. Dad doesn’t bother with him. I weighed him as I noticed he had gained considerable weight since moving there, he now weighs 66kg at just 9 years old, which is morbidly obese. Any time I collect him, he’s got multiple bags of sweets and McDonald’s, so it’s clear why he’s this weight. They have no control over him, let him do anything, stay up all night, eat junk, swear, play violent games.

During the last visit to me, his little brother dropped a teddy behind someone’s fence. My eldest proceeded to kick and punch at the fence to get it open. I told him to stop as he was going to break it and get me into trouble, and to instead knock on the door and ask politely for access. His response was to tell me to ‘shut the f* up’. I asked gran to collect him and told her what he had said and she started laughing.

I rang ss last week as I’m concerned for his weight and education. My mum also rang them as she’s recently seen him herself and is concerned about him in their care. They said they have sent a letter to dad to offer ‘optional support’ and contacted the education board to do a check. Yesterday they called me back after I emailed them further evidence of his junk diet and gaming. She told me it had all been screened and allegedly does not require social services intervention. I am absolutely raging beyond belief.

I can’t keep him myself when he comes here, as he will just run away back to dads, and dad can keep him and not return him once again. He prefers living with dad as there’s no rules or restrictions and he can do whatever the hell he wants.

Im concerned for his health, he is very clearly at high risk for diabetes, heart issues amongst other things. He’s got no future job prospects or chance of any GCSE’s when he does no learning. His attitude and behaviour is uncontrollable. There’s essentially no hope for his future while he’s living there. Police have refused to do a welfare check on the child on 2 ocassions. He does not see a GP, go to school etc so there’s nobody in a safeguarding position to check on him at all. His last school even refused to give information to me about why he was removed, despite me having PR and legal right to his education records. I have been dismissed, refused information on my own child, and treated appallingly throughout this whole saga. He had terrible attendance at the school he went to with me, because gran was having him 3 nights per week at that point and would often keep him off because ‘he didn’t want to go in’. The school had also refused to allow me to collect him and handed him to grandma instead who has no legal rights. My child told me when he first moved out he ‘wasn’t allowed’ to talk to me. I walked round the whole of town with my 3 year old, going to every school near his home to find him. Eventually I found what school he was at, I called them, they confirmed he went there so I walked up to see him. The school had called GRANDMA and had her waiting in reception when I arrived, forced me to have a meeting with her and refused me to see my son, all the while dad has no involvement in any of this. I am utterly appalled at how I’ve been treated by every single agency. My child was never took off me, I have no issues with drink or drugs, never hit him, never emotionally abused him etc, no cause for concerns at my house. Just a strict routine of bed time at 8pm, no fizzy drinks, no junk food, must attend school etc and apparently this is bad parenting on my behalf to the point I’ve been treated like a criminal.

sorry for the long post but I wanted to get this off my chest.

Many solicitors offer a free half hour do advise on your situation. They would also take you through the process of applying for legal aid.
You would get advice on you legal rights from Citizens Advice but they can’t act for you in court.
I would write a letter or email to the last school your son was at and ask them to explain why the receptionist won’t speak to you? Are they aware that you have the same parental rights and responsibilities as your ex. If they agree that you have the right to see information then request his records.
Write an email to ss repeating your concerns.
Start the process of completing the form another poster referred you to (citizens advice might be able to advise on any possible help with costs.
When you see your son try to make everything as non confrontational as possible. For now you don’t need to reform his behaviour, you just need to keep in touch and communicating. Maybe arrange to meet him out, soft play, trampoline place, even the dreaded Golden Arches as a family.
This is an awful situation and I hope you find a way of being in his life that works for you.

You did say you have parental responsibility?

If parents are co parenting well, a court order is not needed however, if the are issues of contact and withholding the child, you really do need to go down the legal route and get an order in place.

The issue here is that your dont have a court order and dad has done what he pleases by not returning him. He should have honoured your agreement but he hasn't. If you want to have your son back, you need to apply to the court.

You said you were a SAHM, so it is very possible that you qualify for legal aid/ assistance. Alternatively if you don't, you can make the application yourself, you dont't need a lawyer.

By the way, the police will not interfer in visitation arrangements. It is a civil matter and they will not get involved unless a parent has abducted the child.

No you take him to court not the grandmother. Whilst she may be the one actually taking "care" of him, he is your son's dad and he would be the respondent to your application.

As for mediation, write to him to ask him to attend mediation and ask him to confirm that he will attend within 7/14 days eg letter, email text. When he answers and says no or doesn't answer within that period, you can show the court that you have attempted mediation.

If there is no court order as you stated, then there is nothing stopping you having him come & live back with you as you have same rights as his dad.
Why would you need to take his grandma to court over it when there is nothing legally on paper stating he remains with them and you're only allowed set visits.
I don't understand you getting social services involved instead of taking responsibility of your son yourself and getting him back into education, a routine and eating better. That poor boy i feel so sorry for him.

YABU to be angry with social service — what do you expect them to do if his care does not meet the theshold to be considered negligent or abusive?

As others have said this is a custody issue. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have filed in court earlier? Yes from 9 they may take his opinion into consideration but this doesn’t mean they will just do what he wants! The decision will still be made in regards to what is felt to be in his best interest overall. He is a child (your child!) and you really need to take control here.

Surely SS should agree that he is being neglected there ? ie poor diet and overweight, not in education, no boundaries re bedtimes and sleeping in, exposed to unsuitable and violent games, disheveled appearance.
Either way I wouldn’t wait around for SS to help, I would immediately plan to take ex to court for increased custody or most of the custody of your child.

Just adding here that I home educated my eldest (SEND) after she had a failed managed move to a second school. It was easy taking her out, I just had to write to school but then the education department swooped in and I had regular visits to prove that I was actually giving her an education. Fortunately we used a tutor, she did Kip McGrath twice a week, we did lots of history visits to museums/NT houses locally, she also did several activities so she still had a social life.

All these things may be considered neglectful but the level of neglect has to reach a certain threshold before it warrants social services intervention. And in any case, the mother has done nothing to address the poor care he is receiving and she should be the first line, not the authorities

I'm not in your shoes and acknowledge everything you said here.

But I'm still going to be blunt: it's a bit rich to be infuriated as SS when you won't do anything for your son yourself.
His is YOUR son and YOUR responsibility. As much as your other child.

Doing nothing and blaming his dad is too easy.

So go to court, get shared custody, and then try and get help for yourself from SS or the LA.

The least you can do is try.

I can’t imagine not fighting for my child.

As others have said, unfortunately SS need consent unless the child is deemed to be experiencing, or at risk of experiencing, significant harm. I echo PP who have advised going to court for shared custody and then engaging with support from services yourself. Good luck 🍀

I agree.

I’ve just reread the post and I agree, it all sounds very odd. You complain that Dad doesn’t parent him but you yourself rang Grandma and asked her to collect him when his behaviour was poor after the fence incident. I feel sorry for him as it seems like neither of his parents want to parent him! What exactly did you want SS to do, take him off Dad and give him to you? Put him in care? He’s your child, you need to take responsibility for his care!

Are you sure dad hasn’t got legal custody for whatever reason and you’re worried about people on here judging you?

I don’t get why the school won’t talk to you if you have full parental responsibility. Sorry OP but I don’t. If you have parental responsibility, not dad, then what’s stopping you just taking him back. It’s not kidnapping. He’s your child!

Hope you get it sorted. I can see how hard you’re finding this.

Yeah none of this makes sense.

For those saying it doesn't make sense:
Child is electively Home educated - he's not on a school roll and therefore school doesn't need to speak to OP
Child has been living with dad/grandma for a year. Without any sort of child arrangement order, the parents have created a 'status quo' the only way to reverse this now (aside from other parent agreeing to return) is to apply for an order through the family court. This does cost a few hundred pounds. Giving the OP the benefit of the doubt, she may not have had a few hundred pounds for this.
Family court/ child arrangements are civil proceedings not criminal , therefore social services will only get involved at whatever 'threshold' is met, in this case if OP is saying voluntary threshold that's Early Help or maximum Child In Need, neither of which would trigger removal of child from current 'lives with' parent.
So, regardless of whether OP is being honest about existing orders, both parents have parental responsibility and the only pathway now would be C100 and proof that mediation has failed, then the child arrangement order goes through the family court, cafcass if they decide they need to be involved etc etc.
Legal Aid is now only available for a small number of cases where there has been proven domestic violence, as they've been separated since the child was 3 and child is now 9 OP will need to check if Legal Aid is actually available.