To be infuriated with social services…

[QuaintLilacBee]

To cut a long story short, my son moved out and went to live with dad, grandma, 2 aunties, aunties boyfriend and a newborn last year. This is not a court ordered arrangement, no social services involvement etc. Child wanted to live with dad and as he has parental responsibility he is allowed by law to keep him and not return him if he doesn’t want to. Dad refuses any contact with me and grandma has taken over - she arranges visits with me, she takes care of him whilst dad works etc. she removed him from the school he was at since pre-school with me, and changed his school.

Recently she took him out of school and is ‘home educating’. After speaking to my child he’s told me that he does no form of education whatsoever. When I text to see him, she often tells me he’s ’still In bed’ at 11 and 12 in the afternoon. He comes to visit me looking exhausted and dishevelled, tells me he’s been awake until 2am on the PlayStation. He spends his entire life on games and has no education. Dad doesn’t bother with him. I weighed him as I noticed he had gained considerable weight since moving there, he now weighs 66kg at just 9 years old, which is morbidly obese. Any time I collect him, he’s got multiple bags of sweets and McDonald’s, so it’s clear why he’s this weight. They have no control over him, let him do anything, stay up all night, eat junk, swear, play violent games.

During the last visit to me, his little brother dropped a teddy behind someone’s fence. My eldest proceeded to kick and punch at the fence to get it open. I told him to stop as he was going to break it and get me into trouble, and to instead knock on the door and ask politely for access. His response was to tell me to ‘shut the f* up’. I asked gran to collect him and told her what he had said and she started laughing.

I rang ss last week as I’m concerned for his weight and education. My mum also rang them as she’s recently seen him herself and is concerned about him in their care. They said they have sent a letter to dad to offer ‘optional support’ and contacted the education board to do a check. Yesterday they called me back after I emailed them further evidence of his junk diet and gaming. She told me it had all been screened and allegedly does not require social services intervention. I am absolutely raging beyond belief.

I can’t keep him myself when he comes here, as he will just run away back to dads, and dad can keep him and not return him once again. He prefers living with dad as there’s no rules or restrictions and he can do whatever the hell he wants.

Im concerned for his health, he is very clearly at high risk for diabetes, heart issues amongst other things. He’s got no future job prospects or chance of any GCSE’s when he does no learning. His attitude and behaviour is uncontrollable. There’s essentially no hope for his future while he’s living there. Police have refused to do a welfare check on the child on 2 ocassions. He does not see a GP, go to school etc so there’s nobody in a safeguarding position to check on him at all. His last school even refused to give information to me about why he was removed, despite me having PR and legal right to his education records. I have been dismissed, refused information on my own child, and treated appallingly throughout this whole saga. He had terrible attendance at the school he went to with me, because gran was having him 3 nights per week at that point and would often keep him off because ‘he didn’t want to go in’. The school had also refused to allow me to collect him and handed him to grandma instead who has no legal rights. My child told me when he first moved out he ‘wasn’t allowed’ to talk to me. I walked round the whole of town with my 3 year old, going to every school near his home to find him. Eventually I found what school he was at, I called them, they confirmed he went there so I walked up to see him. The school had called GRANDMA and had her waiting in reception when I arrived, forced me to have a meeting with her and refused me to see my son, all the while dad has no involvement in any of this. I am utterly appalled at how I’ve been treated by every single agency. My child was never took off me, I have no issues with drink or drugs, never hit him, never emotionally abused him etc, no cause for concerns at my house. Just a strict routine of bed time at 8pm, no fizzy drinks, no junk food, must attend school etc and apparently this is bad parenting on my behalf to the point I’ve been treated like a criminal.

sorry for the long post but I wanted to get this off my chest.

TBF that isn't really an excuse for ss to do nothing. Agree OP should have done things differently when F first retained the child, but there's nothing she can do about that now. She needs to make an application to the court and set out all of these concerns. The local authority will likely be directed to file a s37 report explaining why they have not issued care and supervision proceedings.

You need to write to the board of governors at the school, signed and tracked by post with the relevant information such as birth cert or court order (even if not enforceable) to make them aware that you are being denied information regarding your son which violates your rights as a mother with parental control.

Apply to the family court to enforce existing order or make a new application for change of residency alleging harm to your child and detailing all the grievances you’ve listed in this thread. Your nine year old son needs you - he’s not Gillick competent to advocate for himself. Ensure a section 7 report (Cafcass) is considered - the judge should naturally order this in these circumstances.

The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to help your son.

You can’t complain about how he is being brought up but don’t bother with him.

I have read your posts in full and I personally think you should have immediately applied to court to get an enforceable order instead of just sitting back and watching this car crash from the sidelines.

You can still get help with court fees if you’re on qualifying benefits.

I think there are some needlessly unpleasant comments here, this isn't AIBU and it's not entirely unreasonable for a parent to think SS might actually help in these circumstances. Nor was it unreasonable to think that supporting her son's wishes and feelings to live with dad and spend time with her (reversing the previous arrangement) could be in his interests. It doesn't sound as though she had any idea that they would remove the child from school and try to limit her involvement in his life. And now she's asking for advice on how to cope with the situation as it now is, so repeatedly telling her she shouldn't have let it happen in the first place isn't helpful.

She isn’t even asking for him back.

Why do you think the local authority should have issued care proceedings? The father and grandmother are providing fairly poor care but parents are legally allowed to provide fairly poor care in this country. Nothing OP said suggests that threshold for care proceedings would be met. This is not a role for social services, it's for the mother.

She doesn't want him back, so what advice is there to give her? She just wants validation on here that she hasn't failed him. Sorry, but it sounds to me like he's being absolutely failed by every single adult in his life.

I’m confused. If there’s no court order saying he has to live with his Dad, can’t you just not return him next time he comes to your house? Then re-enrol him at school, and start putting proper boundaries in place.

Sorry if I’ve missed it in earlier posts, but how did he come to be living with his Dad in the first place?

She’s shown no desire to want to keep him or be responsible for him. She wants SS to be.

As pp have said you need to get to court and get a court order in place. I would have done that the second anyone tried to take my child from me. I don’t understand why you haven’t done this already ?

I became my dc’s sole parent after a court case which removed parental
responsibility from the other. So it can be done if the other parent is deemed a risk. Once that happened he was not allowed to know our addresses, see school reports, know the school and so on. The school had to call me when there was a breach. Everything you said has happened to you sounds the same?. As if grandma has parental responsibility and you don’t? That’s the only time the school can’t give you reports etc.

btw as you do have pr if you kept child as dad has done there’s nothing the police could do about that either.

when he f*ed at you why on earth did you call grandma? You don’t go and call the grandma you look after your child, teach him manners and love him. That’s the sort of thing that reads as if you can’t be bothered to be his parent. Very sad.

Exactly.

I’ve dealt with several similar and even less severe matters where care proceedings have been issued.

You find the money, CC, loan, beg, borrow.... its for your son.

She could try getting a job. As she's not working (SAHM) I doubt she's paying any maintenance towards her oldest child either.

https://www.gov.uk/get-help-with-court-fees

Exactly this, I think the OP needs to take some responsibility here, this is a young child not a teenager. He is only 9 and was 8 when she let him go and live with his dad knowing how much of a crap father he was.

I agree. That's also an option.

Legal aid is for da emergencies.

if you are on a low income there’s other link see above link.

or do what I would do which is sell everything I pwn to find the money and go to work.

The child may stipulate that they would rather stay with dad, but given all what you have said is true, then courts can overturn that decision and they can justify it’s in the child’s best interest to be with his mum!
Get fighting for your son back if this is what you truly want!

I am sorry to say but the school inviting grandma only kind of makes me think your own son has said things about you around and asked them keeping you away

You can get a court arrangement order to determine that he needs to go to school. It doesn't have to include a change in residence but if you really want the best for the child then I would be asking for at least 50:50. His wishes may be considered but if you can show that he is not being properly looked after then the courts will override his wishes.
Then you need to start the hard battle of being the responsible parent that he so clearly needs. That's for a separate thread.

You don't want him, and he knows it. Poor boy.

Honestly I can’t believe you’re being so passive. It costs £295 to go to court to fight for your son’s life. A court won’t listen to a 9 year old who is being isolated from all social interactions with peers his age and alienated from his mother, they will care that his appearance (weight and being dishevelled) and behaviour have significantly changed and may even ultimately grant you full custody. What you must do is document everything and apply to court. I can’t believe that when they removed him from school you didn’t immediately apply for a prohibited steps order to stop this.

I’m sorry but being a good mother right now means fighting for him, not passively letting them destroy his life.

And you'll get help with court fees if you are on a low income. You can represent yourself. Family courts are designed to be navigable without needing a solicitor.

I agree it seems this way when his mother has not done anything to get him back legally. Dads do this all the time and get called deadbeats because they are, it costs £295 to get a court order to see your kids. If they aren’t worth that to you then you really don’t care.

when they’re teens things change and they can vote with their feet, but not at 9.