To be infuriated with social services…

[QuaintLilacBee]

To cut a long story short, my son moved out and went to live with dad, grandma, 2 aunties, aunties boyfriend and a newborn last year. This is not a court ordered arrangement, no social services involvement etc. Child wanted to live with dad and as he has parental responsibility he is allowed by law to keep him and not return him if he doesn’t want to. Dad refuses any contact with me and grandma has taken over - she arranges visits with me, she takes care of him whilst dad works etc. she removed him from the school he was at since pre-school with me, and changed his school.

Recently she took him out of school and is ‘home educating’. After speaking to my child he’s told me that he does no form of education whatsoever. When I text to see him, she often tells me he’s ’still In bed’ at 11 and 12 in the afternoon. He comes to visit me looking exhausted and dishevelled, tells me he’s been awake until 2am on the PlayStation. He spends his entire life on games and has no education. Dad doesn’t bother with him. I weighed him as I noticed he had gained considerable weight since moving there, he now weighs 66kg at just 9 years old, which is morbidly obese. Any time I collect him, he’s got multiple bags of sweets and McDonald’s, so it’s clear why he’s this weight. They have no control over him, let him do anything, stay up all night, eat junk, swear, play violent games.

During the last visit to me, his little brother dropped a teddy behind someone’s fence. My eldest proceeded to kick and punch at the fence to get it open. I told him to stop as he was going to break it and get me into trouble, and to instead knock on the door and ask politely for access. His response was to tell me to ‘shut the f* up’. I asked gran to collect him and told her what he had said and she started laughing.

I rang ss last week as I’m concerned for his weight and education. My mum also rang them as she’s recently seen him herself and is concerned about him in their care. They said they have sent a letter to dad to offer ‘optional support’ and contacted the education board to do a check. Yesterday they called me back after I emailed them further evidence of his junk diet and gaming. She told me it had all been screened and allegedly does not require social services intervention. I am absolutely raging beyond belief.

I can’t keep him myself when he comes here, as he will just run away back to dads, and dad can keep him and not return him once again. He prefers living with dad as there’s no rules or restrictions and he can do whatever the hell he wants.

Im concerned for his health, he is very clearly at high risk for diabetes, heart issues amongst other things. He’s got no future job prospects or chance of any GCSE’s when he does no learning. His attitude and behaviour is uncontrollable. There’s essentially no hope for his future while he’s living there. Police have refused to do a welfare check on the child on 2 ocassions. He does not see a GP, go to school etc so there’s nobody in a safeguarding position to check on him at all. His last school even refused to give information to me about why he was removed, despite me having PR and legal right to his education records. I have been dismissed, refused information on my own child, and treated appallingly throughout this whole saga. He had terrible attendance at the school he went to with me, because gran was having him 3 nights per week at that point and would often keep him off because ‘he didn’t want to go in’. The school had also refused to allow me to collect him and handed him to grandma instead who has no legal rights. My child told me when he first moved out he ‘wasn’t allowed’ to talk to me. I walked round the whole of town with my 3 year old, going to every school near his home to find him. Eventually I found what school he was at, I called them, they confirmed he went there so I walked up to see him. The school had called GRANDMA and had her waiting in reception when I arrived, forced me to have a meeting with her and refused me to see my son, all the while dad has no involvement in any of this. I am utterly appalled at how I’ve been treated by every single agency. My child was never took off me, I have no issues with drink or drugs, never hit him, never emotionally abused him etc, no cause for concerns at my house. Just a strict routine of bed time at 8pm, no fizzy drinks, no junk food, must attend school etc and apparently this is bad parenting on my behalf to the point I’ve been treated like a criminal.

sorry for the long post but I wanted to get this off my chest.

I think there's a lot more to this than op says

Agree. Something doesn't add up here with Nan allegedly being allowed to make all these decisions when there's two parents with PR who must be consulted (especially when it comes to withdrawing a child from education) and are allegedly refused access to any school info which legally they must share.

Sorry, OP, but looking at your original post - are you completely sure there’s not a court order in place? Against you?

Because what I’m reading is the father is refusing contact with you, the family has changed the school from the one you knew, the school is treating Grandma as if she needs to be contacted immediately if you try to collect your son and they’re also refusing you access to your son’s records. Which they can’t do unless they have reasons to believe it’s not in your son’s best interests for you to have access to them.

Since you found out the school your son is at, his father’s family has removed your son (again). Social Services are involved but don’t think there’s a major problem (with the father’s family) and the police are refusing any welfare checks you request.

It all sounds very like there is a court order in place. Because if there isn’t, school, social workers and police are all acting very strangely.

I really don't understand that. I have seen lots of posts/articles about parents who took their child to hospital after an accident (which could happen to anyone!) and social got involved. These seemed to be really good parents who cooked good food, did lots of educational things with their kids etc, and would never have left them home alone. And I don't understand why a grandma would have rights over a mum, OP, except in circumstances like the ones you have said don't apply? I wanted my mum to take my youngest to a routine medical appointment for a very simple thing, and daughter was quite happy for it to be grandma, otherwise of course there'd be no question I'd go, because me and my husband were working, and we were told it had to be one of us as grandmas aren't the equivalent of mum or dad!

This was my thoughts too. She's saying she's been treated really badly - which would be true if she really did have shared custody, but it sounds like she doesn't have any parental rights at all. The way her son's father and family are acting, it sounds like they've got a court order against the OP.

Whilst the weight gain is concerning, it is not enough for SS to get involved. They certainly wouldn't meet the threshold for removal. At best they would offer advice and dad wouldn't need to take it.

As other posters have put, you can either accept what's happening and cut your son off or enjoy the time you do get with him or you can fight. No it won't be easy and probably not cheap but it is the only thing that could get him back in your care.

Yes, courts do ask a 9 year old what they want but the judges and cafcass will also know that a child will say they want to live where there are no rules. They see that and can and likely would over rule. Courts also dont always ask 9 year olds. Ive hardly know kids that young to be asked in all honesty.

You say he would just run away to his dad's but he's 9 not 13. A 9 year old with proper supervision would not be able to run away. Also, as there's no current court plan there's nothing to stop you refusing your son to go back to his dad's. You both have the same rights so you could absolutely keep him at yours and re enrol him at school.

If you want change then the time is now before he gets to teenage years and is able to run away. However, you dont seem to want to take on the problem yourself but as his mum you have to. Just because you have another child does not mean you shouldn't be fighting for your eldest. If it was me id be doing whatever it took. It won't be easy at all but you are concerned so now you need to tackle it all head on.

This is correct and this is what court is for.

It sounds like your ex and his family have completely poisoned your son against you. The fact you did not immediately go to court when he was not returned only goes in their favour and they have no doubt told your son it is evidence that you don't want him.

You need to get legal advice ASAP and start taking action to get your son back in your life. He's 9, he still needs his mum and you sitting back and not fighting for him is not acceptable. It will be a bloody hard fight but if you love your son and want him in your life you are going to have to fight for him. You might want to get some advice and counselling for you and your son to try and repair the damage that has been done.

Even if you fail in your court application for custody (although any decent judge would order at least some contact with you) at least it would show your son that you want him.

I’m sorry OP but this is YOUR responsibility not SS. You are the parent here. And you need to go and seek legal advice, like you should have done when his dad decided not to return him to you

Contact your LA as they have to ensure a child is receiving an education if they are home schooled. Continue to contact SS so you have a paper trail with them.

Because the child is overweight and not in education? I don't think so

I am really unsure why you are so fixated on criticising every single one of my posts, but yes, the combination of all of these matters is certainly something that can be cause for s37 checks. I have recently represented a client on a matter with incredibly similar facts. The child has now been removed from the care of the parent who was not taking them to school and placed into my client's care.

She says he just runs away - but a 9 year old alone on the streets is a concern.

But OP doesn’t want him to live with her. She wants him to stay with his dad so she doesn’t have to parent him, but somehow force SS to make her ex parent her son the way she wants him to.

If children were removed for being overweight and given junk food, half the kids at my child’s school would be in care.

OP I have read your posts. What strikes me is that you had an arrangement with the father for roughly 50/50 your sons behaviour changed probably due to the changes between the two environments. You then allowed him to make a choice when he didn’t have the maturity to do so spending more time at his fathers, grandma then does more caring and you are now upset that you are being distanced from the day to day. You have lots of advice on this thread if you can’t agree to care of your son with his dad who has equal parental responsibility I can’t see what other option you have except court. It’s irrelevant that grandmas family might work in law. This is your son step up and take steps to fight for him.

That has nothing to do with what I said. The person who responded to my quote said they didn't think the facts of this case were appropriate for s37 enquiries. I responded that it was and I had represented clients on similar cases, including one recently where the LA were involved and prepared a s37 report. In this specific case, my client did want the child back in their care, but that isn't the point I was making.

"Half the kids at my child's school" - this child is not in school and seemingly is not receiving appropriate home education, as such it seems there are grounds for LA involvement (and no this doesn't automatically mean 'going into care')

OP you have PR. Which means Dad cannot legally keep the child from you, the police can't do anything because it's a civil matter and not a criminal one. What you need to do is fill out a C100 form, mark as urgent if meets the criteria. Yes you will have to attempt mediation, Dad refusing to do mediation is not a barrier though as you will first have a MIAM appointment, then they will contact Dad to see if he is willing to attempt mediation, if they cannot contact him or he refuses, the mediator will issue you with a MIAM certificate that will state you have attempted mediation but your ex didn't/refused or if mediation is unsuitable for whatever reason. You can then use that for your application.

Interesting you jump to the conclusion I am blaming a toddler. As PP said, a failure of you to take responsibility seems to be the issue and this kind of conclusion would seem to point to that.

You've said you qualify for legal aid? Then ring a few family law solicitors and ask them how you apply for a C100 using legal aid (the systems have changed since I divorced 20 years ago so you need current advice on how it's applied)
Regarding the Elective Home Education, ring the EHE team at the local authority where your son is living. Explain that you don't believe your son is receiving an adequate education. They then visit/ ask for education plans from dad and can 'cease to recognise' the home education. If dad then doesn't make an application for ds to return to school, the local authority can make an application for a school attendance order, which will name the school to be attended.
You wouldn't be taking the grandmother to court, you'll be taking his dad to court and making an application for a child arrangement order. This could well be that your ds splits his time between you and can also include arrangements for education if one parent has different ideas.

It’s not overly harsh. If anything people have been very gentle to the useless OP who’s done fuck all to protect her child and has seemingly wiped her hands of him. It’s been at least a year (sounds like she was doing the slow fade before this) and based on the responses on this thread she hasn’t even bothered to get any advice or thoroughly google!

She criticises her child’s grandmother but then rings her to collect him rather than do any parenting when things get slightly tricky in the limited time she does bother to see him! Poor child doesn’t seem to have anyone looking out for his best interests.

No way

On the basis of being home educated (parents have the right to do that, and father is allowing/consenting to this), being overweight (around 30% of children are overweight) and being tired/bit grubby does not equate in and of themselves with care proceedings, even with a CP plan

You havent dealt with less severe matters where proceedings have been issued.

Social services can't do a thing, neither can the local authority education team.
The only thing that can be done is you going to family court for residency

Yes I absolutely have . I really don't need to validate my experience on an online forum though, nor do I have any reason to lie about it. If you are a solicitor/social worker/otherwise involved with children's welfare and have had alternative experiences then please share.

Not sure why you are undermining this child's experience which sounds incredibly concerning. Home education is of course acceptable provided education is actually taking place, which it does not sound as though it is.

You're probably the usual type of solicitor then minimising your clients poor care of their children if you are genuinely believing that a LA issues care proceedings on the basis of 'home education and the child being overweight'

There will be far more to the child's needs not being met than that.

Home educators do not have to even engage with the LA, its not a requirement for them to do that.

And typical solicitor twisting my words to claim I am minimising the child's experience, Ive met the type in court many times.