DD8 struggling to make friends - only one not invited to party

[Hotcrossbunned]

I’m heartbroken for my DD8.

She’s a lovely, empathetic and funny girl who has always seemed to be the one picked on at school and is finding it hard to make friends, and I just can’t understand it.

It was very upsetting to find out last night that of a class of 10 girls she had to sit with a smile on her face whilst the girl sat next to her handed out invites to a party to all the girls except her yesterday.

AIBU to think it’s pretty shameful of the parents to have done that?

We moved here 12 months ago and from day one she had to deal with concerning behaviour from the some of the girls (one girl took her stationary off her on day 1 and wouldn’t let her join in the group work activity, day 2 she was told by two girls she wasn’t allowed to play with anyone because it might upset people’s friendship groups).

After she tried to sort it out herself I’ve been to the school about both issues and the teachers have either had a word or they set up some 1:1 time with one girl in particular who was causing daily issues.

She’s made comments about not really having friends despite playing with people.

We thought it had all calmed down and we’d encouraged her to play with a different set of girls which we hoped was helping but on Monday (whilst she had been off sick for 4 days) our DD11 came home upset and told me one girl from DD8 class had announced to a teacher in front of a group of kids that she was worried about a school trip coming up because she didn’t want to sit next to DD8 because she was her least favourite in the class. There was a whole discussion about why she didn’t like her (she didn’t find her funny etc) According to DD11 the teacher didn’t shut this discussion down.

This was worrying because this is one of the girls DD has started playing with and even told me she might be one of her best friends. We haven’t told DD as she’d be gutted. She tells me about all the jokes and fun things they’ve done and things they have in common so I feel really uncomfortable that in fact this girl apparently doesn’t like her.

Thos isn’t a ND issue she’s very emphatic and perceptive usually.

I mentioned it briefly to a TA at school who knows that DD has had it tough with the girls. She seems concerned and I’ll follow up with her.

Cue DD back at school after illness and comes home a bit quiet to tell me that all the girls were handed invites to a party except her. The girl is another DD has been playing with who DD thought was a friend.

This girl had told her a couple of weeks ago apparently that she would be the only one not invited (lorded it over her by the sound of it). One girl pointed out that that was pretty mean but it made no difference.

I’m reluctant to mention the party thing to school- I know we/they can’t make a child invite another to a party.

DD tries so hard to not look bothered but she’s finding it so hard.

DD11 is having a party soon and we told DD8 she could invite 3 friends but so far none have responded.

At the last school parents always made a big effort to welcome new families but we’ve found the opposite here. No one speaks to us at all and it’s really difficult to get to know anyone during the quick drop offs and pick ups.

I was asked early on if I wanted to join the class WhatsApp by one friendly mum who’s also an TA and I said yes but it didn’t happen and that parent has now left. I honestly couldn’t pick out the parents of the kids in her class and a lot use the school bus so don’t go to the school anyway.

I’ve asked DD11 to check with the kids tomorrow whether they’re coming to the party so we can get an answer and I’ll follow up with the TA.

I’m also looking for dance lessons for DD to give her a chance at making friends outside school. She does swimming but the lessons are short and limited chance to meet people.

I had a big chat with her about kids this age and how she should look for girls that are kind. She picked out 3 who she thinks are kind ( the issue is they have slightly different interests than her (they want to play harry potter themed games every play time) so she’s not thrilled) and we’ve encouraged her to focus her energy on them.

I’m just so heartbroken for her. She found the move so hard anyway and to have gone through it and been left with no friendships is awful.

She’s said she wants to move schools but I obviously I can’t guarantee that would be better. The teacher next year is also excellent and pretty astute when it comes to friendships and solving problems.

Is there anything else I can do?

I'm so sorry, that is awful. The school need to step up. The being told she'll not get an invite is isolating and bullying behaviour and that teacher who let the discussion go on needs to be reprimanded.

No the school shoul dnot be involved in childrens birthday parties, yes any bullying should be addressed with the school but the school is not a social diary

No, the school shouldn't be involved in birthday parties! It's fine to not invite people to a party but to say you're not invited and will be the only one not invited is bullying. It's unkind and definitely should be addressed...... Kids need to be taught how you treat others.

I’d probably move her to a different school if that’s an option?

Otherwise 1:1 play dates making them really fun and out of school activities like brownies.

Is it an all girls school or are there boys in the class too?

@Bournetilly it’s a mixed school.

Our eldest only has a term and a half left so we can’t move her until next school year (the schools are all a distance from each other so we couldn’t manage two school runs).

I’m really hoping some of these girls come to our party and they get to bond a bit. There’s also one girl who was keen for a play date (partner only remembered tonight that the mum gave him her number in October to arrange 🙄). She’s one of the kids invited but I’ll also reach out to see if she’d like to come over after school one night after half term.

I’m wondering whether to mention to the TA about dd being told she wouldn’t be invited at the same time I chase up about the commenting thing.

im sorry I know you said about your eldest but this isn’t a one bully thing- the school don’t seem to have her back. I think you need to get her out of there, that or go talking to the school very seriously- this is not just about birthdays. If you really really can’t move (and if you have any options eg you both have cars so each do a school run/ one goes into an after school for an hour a day etc etc I’d grab it), I’d start setting up play dates with some of the nicer kids. If it’s a tiny country school for eg so you’ve no options get her out. Plenty of people find ways to make two schools work so it might be possible

Difficulties making and maintaining friendships absolutely are a an ND issue, I’m afraid, and ND girls can be over-empathetic and extremely perceptive.

I would meet with school and ask if they think there are reasons DD is struggling with friendships; the teachers might have some insight into this.

Moving schools at primary level will probably just create a new set of problems, so it might be worth putting support in place for your DD now, before secondary transition.

Just be her comfort.
Oh well, some kids are mean sometimes DD, don't worry.
Still be bold enought o have a birthday for your child - inviting a few girls she really likes, regardless of whether they invited her.

I wouldn’t assume that it’s an ND thing or that is DD who is struggling because of some issue with her. Much more likely that it’s because she’s joined the school when friendships have been formed and at an age when these girls aren’t being open enough to new friendships. I think given everything you’ve described OP I would have a really good look into other possibilities for schools and try to move her if there’s one viable with a more welcoming ethos. It wouldn’t be smooth sailing no doubt but it’s been a year and it must be really hard for your DD. Do pursue the play dates/party connections and keep talking to the staff and get on the WhatsApp group etc, try all those things, but if the mean comments and excluding behaviour continues I’d have to protect my DC and try a fresh start elsewhere.

Definitely talk to the school . They should be teaching the kids about kindness and inclusivity. Go to the head of juniors / head teacher if you don’t feel you are winning with the class teacher .

How big is the school? How many kids per year? It sounds like its a small school if there are only 10 girls in her class. Id move her to a bigger school with a 2 class intake so 60 per year as shes much more likely to find her tribe if there are more kids to play with. It sounds like a clique has (which is usual in a small school) & even if the school start to manage the bullying situation it wont .
necessarily help your DD get friendships sorted.

I would be moving her asap

This is really sad for your DD. Sounds like you’re doing everything right. Some thoughts in case you’ve not considered them.

Some of this behaviour is bullying. Arrange a proper meeting with the school and say you would like them to deal with it.

Ask again about joining the class WhatsApp group. It may be some other parents don’t know about your DD.

Try to be active yourself, volunteering for things (PTA etc) so you start to integrate into the school community.

Invite children for play dates. Make them as fun as you can. You could take them out eg cinema, McDonalds instead if they don’t play naturally together.

Look at other schools to see where has places. It sounds miserable for her and so if nothing works you need an exit play for September at the very latest.

Poor dd. There should be a class rep. Class teacher will know so give her a note to give to that childs mum with your telephone number

or ask who the rep is an teacher to point out to know her an go and talk to her

this girls party sounds mean. Does he thinm she is queen bee ?

You DONT invite all but one child and esp give out invites at school if not inviting just one

join the pta. Schools always want and need helpers

keep inviting people over but easier if know parents number and can text them

Sounds like your eldest has settled there no issues and made friends so is th school a supportive one ?

Definitely speak to school and although I used to hate the pick up it might be worth being at school gate a few days.
Also if the other kids aren't kind have a plan B for her birthday party.

I was asked early on if I wanted to join the class WhatsApp by one friendly mum who’s also an TA and I said yes but it didn’t happen and that parent has now left. I honestly couldn’t pick out the parents of the kids in her class and a lot use the school bus so don’t go to the school anyway.

Do you know any of the other parents? How long ago was this? Even if they use the bus, surely you've seen a few at parties or occasional pickups? Sometimes you need to proactively interact with other mums as the kids are still at the age where parents arrange their social activities. The fact that one PA mum left shouldn't be any sort of obstacle to joining the group which clearly still exists.

It sounds trivial but there's a clear correlation between the kids who have lots of friends and the parents who are active on the Whatsapp and school activities. I agree with the PP that some parents don't even know certain kids exist in the class because their names fly under the radar. If you're in a Whatsapp group and can place kids and parents names with faces, then it makes things much easier.

Bonding experiences are also crucial such as girls going to the same after school activities or doing things on weekends. The problem is that girl friendships always have a dynamic of inclusion and exclusion. It's annoying to navigate at the best of times but even harder if you don't know any of the other parents at all.

You DONT invite all but one child and esp give out invites at school if not inviting just one

Exactly this but it could be possible that the parent wasn't even aware that it was all the girls except one. This is where the school should intervene and not allow paper invitations unless everyone is invited.

Has she got friends outside of school? Did she make friends at her old school/nursery?

Have you seen her with her peers?

My dd struggled with friendships (I strongly suspect she is autistic, she’s also very empathetic, perceptive and sociable) I did what I could to encourage friendships, made friends with other girls mums, invited girls over for play dates, encouraged clubs outside of schools and met up with friends with similar aged kids.

My dd struggled with friendships (I strongly suspect she is autistic, she’s also very empathetic, perceptive and sociable) I did what I could to encourage friendships, made friends with other girls mums, invited girls over for play dates, encouraged clubs outside of schools and met up with friends with similar aged kids.

Same here, both DH and I are ND so I knew this would be an issue from the very start. DD isn't diagnosed but she definitely shows traits of AuDHD. She masks very well and is sociable, empathetic and funny. However lots of children can "sniff out" neurodivergence and those kids are always at risk of being left on the periphery of things or being excluded for no real reason.

My parents didn't really make an effort when I was a child and even though I was never bullied, I always felt like the peripheral friend in school. I suspect my parents were ND as well and they really didn't want to socialise with families they didn't know well, have to make small talk etc. At risk of being presumptuous, I always suspect that parents who never join the class Whatsapp or don't enjoy greeting other parents are probably ND on some level. So you have a double whammy of kids struggling a bit with friendships and parents who also shy away from interacting with other families or the school community.

Thanks everyone. We’ve asked for one of the joint heads who’s also one of her teachers to call today to outline the issue and then we’ll arrange a meeting to follow up if needed.

To answer some of the questions, it’s a small village school with 100 pupils and unfortunately there are only very small village schools near us. One has only 9 pupils for the whole school and ours is one of the biggest so wherever she goes it’s likely to be small class sizes.

Our DD11 has had some difficulties but her teacher is very proactive and arranged for some discrete 1:1 activities for her where she chose someone to go with her and this helped a lot. She’s now fairly settled albeit with the usually occasional drama which is quickly forgotten.

DD8 was in another small class at her old school and had one best friend but was friends with everyone. There was a girl who was a bit mean (seemed to be competitiveness for the best friend) and her best friend was a little flaky with her loyalty but she was generally OK. She was never the one everyone fought to be friends with but she generally had friends. I’ve seen her with her peers at two sports events and she seemed OK. I could tell she was trying hard to engage with them and she didn’t always get full engagement back though.

We do the drop off and pick up every day but a lot of parents rely on the school bus, grandparents or relatives, or drop the kids and run which is why we struggle to know who the parents are. I’m going to reach out to the mum who gave us her number though to arrange a play date and ask about the WhatsApp group. There have only been 2 events parents are invited to since we joined and one was a play and the other a completely manic Christmas fete so not a lot of opportunity to meet anyone.

If I’m honest I was trying to avoid the PTA after a crazy experience with the last one (threats to mums over text if they dared nominate themselves for chair, bullying, excluding certain mums and hiring a drug dealer as the Halloween disco DJ… the list went on), and the current PTA chair is a little intense (very much like Amanda) but I may have to take a bullet for DD on this one.

Can DD do any sports. If she was good at something it would boost her confidence. Musical instrument, choir, tennis. I am ND and had 0 self confidence and didn’t like being the centre of attention so despite the ability didn’t get good at anything. I feel it would have made a difference. An outlet I could feel happy about.
Things may change -a new girl at school, one of girls might move away and the dynamic change.
For some reason I always craved to be with the popular ones -where there wasnt a hope and not the nerdy ones.

Dd8 really doesn’t show signs of ND. Her sister has some indicators and the difference between them is vast. Other than the current friendship struggle there really aren’t any other indicators.

She’s very good at dance and was previously taking lessons before the move but has been a bit reluctant to start a new class. I have enquired about lessons though and she was quite excited at the idea.

She’s also doing very well academically and is top of the class in reading and maths- the teachers aren’t always great at encouraging her but they do sing her praises to us so we make sure she knows.

We found with both girls that they’d prefer to be fiends with the “popular” kids (who usually end up with very few friends!) and less interested in the geeky kids but she’s starting to sway on that now.

My DD 9 same gets bullied had no friends breaks my heart

👏👏

The teacher should do better! This is clearly bullying, and actively exclusion like this is absolutely covered in their anti-bullying policy! Don’t need to make it about the party invite. Make it about how they seem to be using these invites to target your DD.

On a different track - how can parents allow this to happen? Eight year olds might not know better but their parents should! IMHO parties have got out of control. I’d ban handing out invitations at school entirely! We don’t allow it to happen in our youth setting… for this very reason

@Hotcrossbunned Doing well academically can cause problems - not that your daughter should "dumb down" to be popular. At my junior school we had an annual form prize and I won it when I was 8/9 and it decimated my social circle and led to a lot of bullying.
Sending you and your DD strength, you will get there.