DD8 struggling to make friends - only one not invited to party

[Hotcrossbunned]

I’m heartbroken for my DD8.

She’s a lovely, empathetic and funny girl who has always seemed to be the one picked on at school and is finding it hard to make friends, and I just can’t understand it.

It was very upsetting to find out last night that of a class of 10 girls she had to sit with a smile on her face whilst the girl sat next to her handed out invites to a party to all the girls except her yesterday.

AIBU to think it’s pretty shameful of the parents to have done that?

We moved here 12 months ago and from day one she had to deal with concerning behaviour from the some of the girls (one girl took her stationary off her on day 1 and wouldn’t let her join in the group work activity, day 2 she was told by two girls she wasn’t allowed to play with anyone because it might upset people’s friendship groups).

After she tried to sort it out herself I’ve been to the school about both issues and the teachers have either had a word or they set up some 1:1 time with one girl in particular who was causing daily issues.

She’s made comments about not really having friends despite playing with people.

We thought it had all calmed down and we’d encouraged her to play with a different set of girls which we hoped was helping but on Monday (whilst she had been off sick for 4 days) our DD11 came home upset and told me one girl from DD8 class had announced to a teacher in front of a group of kids that she was worried about a school trip coming up because she didn’t want to sit next to DD8 because she was her least favourite in the class. There was a whole discussion about why she didn’t like her (she didn’t find her funny etc) According to DD11 the teacher didn’t shut this discussion down.

This was worrying because this is one of the girls DD has started playing with and even told me she might be one of her best friends. We haven’t told DD as she’d be gutted. She tells me about all the jokes and fun things they’ve done and things they have in common so I feel really uncomfortable that in fact this girl apparently doesn’t like her.

Thos isn’t a ND issue she’s very emphatic and perceptive usually.

I mentioned it briefly to a TA at school who knows that DD has had it tough with the girls. She seems concerned and I’ll follow up with her.

Cue DD back at school after illness and comes home a bit quiet to tell me that all the girls were handed invites to a party except her. The girl is another DD has been playing with who DD thought was a friend.

This girl had told her a couple of weeks ago apparently that she would be the only one not invited (lorded it over her by the sound of it). One girl pointed out that that was pretty mean but it made no difference.

I’m reluctant to mention the party thing to school- I know we/they can’t make a child invite another to a party.

DD tries so hard to not look bothered but she’s finding it so hard.

DD11 is having a party soon and we told DD8 she could invite 3 friends but so far none have responded.

At the last school parents always made a big effort to welcome new families but we’ve found the opposite here. No one speaks to us at all and it’s really difficult to get to know anyone during the quick drop offs and pick ups.

I was asked early on if I wanted to join the class WhatsApp by one friendly mum who’s also an TA and I said yes but it didn’t happen and that parent has now left. I honestly couldn’t pick out the parents of the kids in her class and a lot use the school bus so don’t go to the school anyway.

I’ve asked DD11 to check with the kids tomorrow whether they’re coming to the party so we can get an answer and I’ll follow up with the TA.

I’m also looking for dance lessons for DD to give her a chance at making friends outside school. She does swimming but the lessons are short and limited chance to meet people.

I had a big chat with her about kids this age and how she should look for girls that are kind. She picked out 3 who she thinks are kind ( the issue is they have slightly different interests than her (they want to play harry potter themed games every play time) so she’s not thrilled) and we’ve encouraged her to focus her energy on them.

I’m just so heartbroken for her. She found the move so hard anyway and to have gone through it and been left with no friendships is awful.

She’s said she wants to move schools but I obviously I can’t guarantee that would be better. The teacher next year is also excellent and pretty astute when it comes to friendships and solving problems.

Is there anything else I can do?

By the sounds of it why would your daughter want to go to a party where the rest of the guests bullies her at school. Think she's dodged a b*** there

At our school, inviting all bar one child to a party where the invitations were handed out at school was an absolute no no. There were in fact emails about that kind of behaviour and the only time it happened the hosting parent was called into the school.

@Glens45 the parties are insane. DD is worried about her birthday (in July!) because in her words “parties are absolutely a competition at this school”. The kids weaponise them daily, discussing parties they’re not going to have in 12 months time that certain kids are excluded from.

The teacher didn’t call today 🙄 but when we speak to her I’m planning to emphasise that it’s not about the party it’s about the opportunities taken to exclude my DD and make her feel excluded.

DD isn’t sure about going on the school trip this week now due to lingering medical issues from being ill last week. It’s an amazing trip and opportunity for her but due to the comments from the child about not wanting to be sat near her I’m not encouraging her to go like a normally would. Such a shame if she misses out but I don’t want her traumatised more from bad behaviour from the kids.

@Pebbles16 we have considered whether that might be driving some of this. They have a weekly test in maths and only progress when they’ve answered a certain number of questions in a given time. She’s the only one who’s reached level 5 (others on level 2 and 3 at most) and the teacher has called it out in class several times and held her up as an example.

One village school has 9 pupils ? How can that work

1 or 2 a year ?

small village schools are not a good idea as far less to play with

Im so sorry that your daughter is going through this, children can be so mean, especially girls, and, as she is the new girl, its even harder, as the friendships have all already been formed in the class.

Is there a particular parent you see at the gates (one that looks friendly enough) that you can ask if they can add you to the WhatsApp group, and maybe try that way to engage with the other parents.

Also i would go to see the head of the school, or email them & ask why any teacher would allow another child to stand up and state reasons as to why she doesnt want to sit with or play with your daughter.

The fact your daughter is new to the class, means any TA or teacher in that class should be aware of the 'other' children's behaviour towards her.

Also even though you are telling the TA and she probably reports it back to the teacher, I dont think it will be taken seriously unless you speak to the teacher yourself ...

I really hope u can nip this in the bud & that ur daughter starts to enjoy her time at school .. xx

Is there a play park in the village that people head to after school? This is where I have got to know parents the most and how parents of new DC seem to integrate here. In small village schools even creating bonds with DC in different year groups can really help them settle in.

I absolutely feel for you. Dd had lots of problems in y5/y6 with girls leaving her out/ being left out of party invitations/ sleepovers. It was heartbreaking. The absolutely only way we got through it was I did lots of play dates/ sleepovers of my own. That way at least dd had some sense of being sociable and in the run up to whatever sleepover/ play date the girls would actually bother with her. We did get the odd invite back from a couple of the kinder mums as well. I had to do a lot of gritting my teeth and being sociable with mums I could cheerfully have poked in the eye. I also encouraged sports and brownies/ guides and musical theatre outside of school which didn’t seem to have a huge impact while she was at primary but has paid off in the end now she’s at secondary as girls she was with for extra curricular activities are now in her high school and she has a lovely group of friends. All those girls at primary school are a total thing of the past. Dd is not neurodivergent. In hindsight she just didn’t really have much in common with the girls in her class.
I would absolutely find a way of joining the WhatsApp group and start inviting different girls over to your house even if it goes against the grain.

This is horrible to read.
She is being bullied.
Girls can be so nasty.

Get her to make friends with the boys!
Not that she should have to put up with this rubbish from either gender.
As for her birthday - take the worry off her now. Say there will be no party, you don't want to spend your time and money with nasty children like that. But that you will take her and her sister away for the day for a fantastic treat.

We’ve contacted the school again this morning to set up a call as they didn’t call us as promised yesterday- not a great start!

Plus I’ve had my partner do all the arranging and I’ve told him to take the lead with outlining the issues. I don’t know about anyone else but I feel the school look at me like I’m a hysterical over protective mum when I’ve raised issues in the past so I’m hoping they’ll take it more seriously if it’s coming from a Dad- ridiculous we feel we have to do this.

They break up tomorrow so the timing isn’t great- I’m worried if we raise it now it’ll get forgotten.

What makes the situation worse is that she genuinely is a really lovely kid and goes to a lot of effort to try to connect with the girls at school. I was watching her at drop off this morning and she went straight over to a girl who has anxiety about going in to school and started a conversation with her, asked if she was OK.

She also won a prize for her work whilst she was off sick and was supposed to receive a gift and iPad time. She was so thrilled because although the teachers sing her praises they rarely recognise her in assemblies etc. she came out of school in tears yesterday because despite being back for 2 days the teachers still haven’t given her her prize. She previously won two other prizes she didn’t receive so she thinks she won’t get this one either. Would you raise this? Don’t want them thinking we’re just being petty.

Ah, perhaps this is the nub of the problem. Jealousy. Probably from both parents and children in her class. Very hard to overcome. Kids always know who has done well in tests. Parents ask them too.

You need to teach her to be overly modest about any achievements. Even if that's not nice for her. Explain it to her by role play with you as another child.

I also suggest setting up play dates and to make sure the other child has an amazing time. You might have to invite other kids to yours more than your DD is invited back.

Do something she's normal at such as crafts. Not a complicated board game.

These things might feel unfair and staged but it's a really good way to encourage friendships.

You also need to be be modest yourself. Even if questioned by other parents.

If necessary lie! "I don't know what her score was".

Move her. No matter how inconvenient it is. One child in breakfast / after school club? Can dd1 get to school by walking? Or pull dd2 out until she can start a new school in September.

Keeping trying in this situation and with a school who aren’t taking it seriously just isn’t going to work, and you’re putting your dd in a damaging situation where she can’t succeed.

She sounds like a lovely girl who needs to shift herself mentally and physically away from these nasty girls.

I agree with the poster who suggested encouraging her to hang out with some of the boys. I much preferred the boys company when I was in primary school. Always have and still do find cliquey girls incredibly tiresome; the dramas involved in those kinds of nasty little toxic groups are a waste of valuable time. I preferred having a laugh on the boys table or playing netball with the non-cliquey girls.

If a parent has agreed to their child inviting every single girl in her class to her party bar 1, then they are despicable person and your daughter should want nothing to do with people like that.

I would enrol her in as many activities as you can, both in school and outside. Have as many playdates and meet-ups with potential nice friends as you can.

I would start being a bit firmer with the teachers, now. Raise the prize thing that they seem to have overlooked. Tell them that she has said that she wants to move schools. Tell them that they absolutely should be shutting down any overheard conversations about excluding others (obviously don't tell them how you heard that this had happened, you don't need to).

Ask her more about the girl she approached who is anxious about going in to school, maybe they can become friends? Ask her if she would like to invite her home for a playdate?

I hope she can start to build some confidence in herself by redirecting her mind away from the poisonous 'in-crowd'. No-one flourishes in those nasty little groups and she would not want to be part of it, anyway. Better to be a 'drifter' who has lots of individual friends. In fact, she only needs 1 friend to start with.

If her focus cannot be directed away from these girls with the support of the school then I would talk to her again about moving schools. If I were a TA at that school I would be supporting your daughter in finding a new friend or 2. They should be doing this; it should be basic human nature.

Good luck, OP.

I agree with this. This clearly isn't about OP trying to get her dd invited. It's about their behaviour towards her in school.

I feel so sorry for your little girl op.

When this happened a few times at my DD’s primary and the class teacher became aware, they sent a letter to parents saying that if you were having a class party, parents are asked not to invite the majority and leave out one or two. Different if you were inviting just four or five children but really unpleasant to leave one or two out.

It’s absolutely mind-blowing to me that parents need to be reminded to be basically decent human beings.

No one can tell kids who their friends are
She will make friends she is young for goodness sake

'Dd8 really doesn’t show signs of ND. Her sister has some indicators and the difference between them is vast. Other than the current friendship struggle there really aren’t any other indicators.
She’s very good at dance and was previously taking lessons before the move but has been a bit reluctant to start a new class. I have enquired about lessons though and she was quite excited at the idea.
She’s also doing very well academically and is top of the class in reading and maths- the teachers aren’t always great at encouraging her but they do sing her praises to us so we make sure she knows.'

I'm curious about why you think the above means she's not ND?

My daughter is ND - now a young adult - and she struggled with friendships, loved dance and theatre and excelled academically.

In primary school she ended up forming friendships mostly with boys and some less close friends with some non cool girls.

The ND became more evident as she entered teenagehood where she really struggled. Theatre was the place she finally flourished and finally formed deep friendships.

According to your posts, it seems your child is being singled out by teachers and students. But I’m certain that can’t be the case. Are you prone to catastrophic thoughts / anxiety / over-analysing things?

At 8 it’s quite okay to prioritise children who have invited your daughter @ parties especially if, as you said, she doesn’t have any close friends anyway.

She is being damaged for life. Get her out of that toxic environment immediately. Home educate, grandparents? Then a fresh start next school year somewhere else. My heart breaks for her.

AHH..I wonder if it is being singles out. My niece was bullied as she was really smart.

Could she sit beside a teacher or assistant on bus? Bless her. It sounds awful

@Hotcrossbunned I think the school is behaving in a very toxic way and feel so sad for your DD.
I cannot offer any solutions I am afraid. I was her (although had a tonne of other "outside of school" problems which really messed me up).
She will find her people and thrive but it may take some time. In the mean time - and I don't mean this as a flippant suggestion - you need to help her cultivate resilience against her peers. Perhaps a new hobby which isn't skills based?
Are there any other school options because I would posit that this one is not fit for purpose?

extreme empathy & perception. Sounds just like me and my son (both AuDHD)

Would her older sister take her under her wing a little bit?
It's a really tricky age for friendships, I found, and especially hard for them to break into established friendship groups.
If she can't change schools, I would focus on out of school activities. If you have a good idea of the secondary school she will be going to perhaps look for activities local to that so she can hopefully meet other girls likely to go to that secondary. Brownies is a great activity, especially if they do "pack holidays".
However, if things don't change I would urge you to find a way to change schools.
And the mum excluding her, or any single child in a class, from a party should be ashamed.

I’d move her. Some year groups are just toxic. Parents and dc.

Poor little girl
I was that girl once, OP.

You sound a good, caring Mum though, like my Mum was/is.