DD8 struggling to make friends - only one not invited to party

[Hotcrossbunned]

I’m heartbroken for my DD8.

She’s a lovely, empathetic and funny girl who has always seemed to be the one picked on at school and is finding it hard to make friends, and I just can’t understand it.

It was very upsetting to find out last night that of a class of 10 girls she had to sit with a smile on her face whilst the girl sat next to her handed out invites to a party to all the girls except her yesterday.

AIBU to think it’s pretty shameful of the parents to have done that?

We moved here 12 months ago and from day one she had to deal with concerning behaviour from the some of the girls (one girl took her stationary off her on day 1 and wouldn’t let her join in the group work activity, day 2 she was told by two girls she wasn’t allowed to play with anyone because it might upset people’s friendship groups).

After she tried to sort it out herself I’ve been to the school about both issues and the teachers have either had a word or they set up some 1:1 time with one girl in particular who was causing daily issues.

She’s made comments about not really having friends despite playing with people.

We thought it had all calmed down and we’d encouraged her to play with a different set of girls which we hoped was helping but on Monday (whilst she had been off sick for 4 days) our DD11 came home upset and told me one girl from DD8 class had announced to a teacher in front of a group of kids that she was worried about a school trip coming up because she didn’t want to sit next to DD8 because she was her least favourite in the class. There was a whole discussion about why she didn’t like her (she didn’t find her funny etc) According to DD11 the teacher didn’t shut this discussion down.

This was worrying because this is one of the girls DD has started playing with and even told me she might be one of her best friends. We haven’t told DD as she’d be gutted. She tells me about all the jokes and fun things they’ve done and things they have in common so I feel really uncomfortable that in fact this girl apparently doesn’t like her.

Thos isn’t a ND issue she’s very emphatic and perceptive usually.

I mentioned it briefly to a TA at school who knows that DD has had it tough with the girls. She seems concerned and I’ll follow up with her.

Cue DD back at school after illness and comes home a bit quiet to tell me that all the girls were handed invites to a party except her. The girl is another DD has been playing with who DD thought was a friend.

This girl had told her a couple of weeks ago apparently that she would be the only one not invited (lorded it over her by the sound of it). One girl pointed out that that was pretty mean but it made no difference.

I’m reluctant to mention the party thing to school- I know we/they can’t make a child invite another to a party.

DD tries so hard to not look bothered but she’s finding it so hard.

DD11 is having a party soon and we told DD8 she could invite 3 friends but so far none have responded.

At the last school parents always made a big effort to welcome new families but we’ve found the opposite here. No one speaks to us at all and it’s really difficult to get to know anyone during the quick drop offs and pick ups.

I was asked early on if I wanted to join the class WhatsApp by one friendly mum who’s also an TA and I said yes but it didn’t happen and that parent has now left. I honestly couldn’t pick out the parents of the kids in her class and a lot use the school bus so don’t go to the school anyway.

I’ve asked DD11 to check with the kids tomorrow whether they’re coming to the party so we can get an answer and I’ll follow up with the TA.

I’m also looking for dance lessons for DD to give her a chance at making friends outside school. She does swimming but the lessons are short and limited chance to meet people.

I had a big chat with her about kids this age and how she should look for girls that are kind. She picked out 3 who she thinks are kind ( the issue is they have slightly different interests than her (they want to play harry potter themed games every play time) so she’s not thrilled) and we’ve encouraged her to focus her energy on them.

I’m just so heartbroken for her. She found the move so hard anyway and to have gone through it and been left with no friendships is awful.

She’s said she wants to move schools but I obviously I can’t guarantee that would be better. The teacher next year is also excellent and pretty astute when it comes to friendships and solving problems.

Is there anything else I can do?

She’s a lovely, empathetic and funny girl who has always seemed to be the one picked on at school and is finding it hard to make friends, and I just can’t understand it.

I'm sure she is , but even those type of girls are not guaranteed friendship .
Perhaps she could join a club doing an activity she loves and find nicer girls who enjoy doing things she likes .

OP - In my long experience - in the case of many children who are left out or bullied it is almost entirely about the existing school / class culture , and is not about a child lacking social skills .
If another child is Queen or King Bee and feel s an incomer to a small class could be a ‘threat ‘ to their popularity they can turn the other kids against them .
I know this from my own experience- I was the QB at one stage and I was a) pretty vile and b) could get the other girls to do what I wanted . The teachers were oblivious…later ( at a different school ) I learned what it feels like when you’re the one ostracised 😬.
One of my children had an absolutely horrible time at the age of your DD and I couldn’t understand it . He was / is all the things you describe your DD to be .
He was the only one not invited to many parties. We tried v hard to get to the bottom of what was going wrong . Both parents & teachers would say he was ‘ a lovely boy ‘ but no one really tried to help effectively.
After 2 years (!) we discovered the dominant boy had forbidden anyone to play with our son saying they’d catch ‘fat and stupid disease ‘ from him & no one would play with them either .
At that point we switched schools and he thrived & honestly has never looked back .
The point of this long diatribe is just to send love & solidarity to you & your DD & say I know how horrible & bewildering this situation can feel .

Did your DD have many friends at her last school. Did she find it easy making friends there before the move? Does she keep in touch with any of her old friends?

Def go into school & mention your concerns about bullying. Whilst you can't expect a party invite, the girls telling her she's the only one not invited is bullying behaviour that need addressing so def mention it. Mention your DD11 heard a conversation & that the Teacher didn't comment or close it down & you expect better from staff.

Also try & catch the girls parents who you've invited to DD11 party asking them if they can confirm whether their child is able to attend or not so they know you're making an effort to 'chat'. If the girls can't make it for whatever reason maybe suggest a get together at your house for the girls or a day out so your DD & the others can hopefully bond.

OP said she had one best friend and was friendly with other kids in her class.

I personally think it’s difficult for girls as they can be so cliquey and bitchy. You could try get togethers, play dates. It’s a long time to her birthday but could you hold eg an Easter party? Or maybe a fundraising event? I held a jumble sale at my church hall but got all my kids in my class involved and photo in local paper.

It’s sad that it should be necessary, but many primary schools have a ‘no invitations at school unless invitation is to all of class or all girls or all boys’ policy. Sensible.

Thanks for everyone’s replies and support with this.

We did finally get a call from the teacher on Thursday who, when she heard what it was about, was very apologetic for not calling sooner.

My DD has two teachers who job share the teacher and head role and this one seems more empathetic to DD, possibly because she teaches maths and DD is currently excelling in maths so they’ve been bonding over that a bit.

She was appalled to hear about the child making comments in the classroom and said she was going to speak to the TA involved to make sure that was shut down appropriately, but also speak to the child. The class she made the comments in was a class to support kids who struggle socially or with anxiety, so she wasn’t pleased to hear the child had used it to bring another child down.

Re. the party- she’d seen invites being handed out and knew all the girls were excited but hadn’t seen that DD had been left out. She wasn’t happy and tried to reassure us that she knew the parents well and if they knew this had happened they’d be mortified. She’s concerned the child may have done this and then was not happy to hear that DD reported the child had been watching her for her reaction as she did it. I also told her about the incident in the weeks before when this child had told them all that DD wouldn’t be invited.

It was a bit unclear what the next step was for this (we were hiding in the bathroom from DD so she didn’t hear as she wouldn’t be happy that we’d spoken to the teacher, and she and DD11 kept running in) but I’ll chase up.

We spoke a lot about what could be done at school. I mentioned DD would be very embarrassed if she knew the teachers were involved or that she was being treated as a special case who couldn’t make friends so asked for more discrete opportunities to encourage kids to spend time with her to help bond (given tasks to do etc).

She also said she would discretely ask one of the girls whether they were coming to our party and encourage them to respond to us.

I’m not sure how it came about but DD came home excited that day that she would be sitting next to a girl on the coach for the trip, and then when she came home from the trip she told me this girl had turned to her and told her she was her new best friend. The mum of this girl has since accepted the birthday invite and I’ve suggested she comes for dinner one night after school.

I know how transient friendships are at this stage but I’m holding my breath it goes well.

Possibly the teacher has done or said something on the trip to encourage the friendship.

DD is away for a few days but phoned to tell me she’d spent some of her pocket money on a gift for this girl. Fingers crossed the eagerness doesn’t scare her off!