Consequences for 6 year old who ruins every trip out

[20Twenty6]

What sort of consequences do you impose for a child who repeatedly ruins trips out? 6 year old DS. Used to be a pleasure to take out but the last 6-12 months just spends the whole time whinging loudly about every tiny thing, generally being obstructive and whining to go home every 2 minutes. I get that he’s tired, I get that school is hard, I get he prefers toys and TV (which we strictly limit as he’d watch all day otherwise) but we really don’t ask too much. We drove today to a wetland centre, first time out since the 23rd. Great play area, loads of stuff on for kids, got him a hot chocolate from the cafe, but still he was so so negative. We’ve tried to be really understanding and kind previously but I’m just totally fed up of his entitlement to be honest and feel we need to get tougher.

Wow everyone is clearly a super understanding and nice parent. I also have a nearly 6 year old and a nearly 3 year old.
The duplo you mentioned…we would clearly tell the older child that this is completely unacceptable. They either continue to play with their lego, join in nicely or go away. If they refused they would be moved to their room.
Same with the trips out. I would start with some off stage correction. So I would take older child to the toilet and explain that they were completely ruining the day for everyone. It is not kind and will not be tolerated. If it continued I would tell them that if they continue they will have things taken away from them when they get home. They only get them back when they can learn to behave themselves.
Maybe our opinion is skewed. Both myself and DH are teachers and I am so fed up of parents who refuse to parent. This is teenagers but clearly has a starting point. I don’t want to ring home to talk about a childs rude behaviour and be told ‘oh I know, they are like that at home too’ or something to that extent.
I was never hit or smacked as a child (I don’t believe in that) but I knew where the line was and not to cross it. I think gentle parenting is turning into ‘no parenting’ just ignoring everything.
This isn’t a dig at you OP, you are trying to ask for strategies to deal with it. I can just never get my head around the amount of people whose answer is to just let the kids do what they want (stay at home watching TV) or to ignore rude behaviour.

This sounds very much like my ADHD 8yr old.
Boundless energy but easily disregulated and struggles with transitions. We have to go easy on "fun" and make sure there is designated downtime at this time of year.
I work with children and the November/December term is very disregulating for all children with all the extras and changes to routine, but it's a nightmare for ND kids.

Nothing wrong with taking your kids out for a couple of hours, especially when parents have AL and everyone’s been cooped up at home for days. When mine were small, we went out most days. I’d give some warnings and consequences of losing screen time or whatever his currency is.

Try not to drip feed. It’s a PITA.

He’s whinging because he’s overwhelmed, have you done any research on autism / adhd? I hate to break it to you, but it’s believed to be hereditary, so if it’s in the family, it’s likely.
Your poor kid is telling you in his way, he’s not happy.
oh and buy a trampoline for his energy.

Have you considered whether he is autistic? A few things you have said make me think he could be.
i would want to find out why he doesn’t want to go out, as someone has previously said it doesn’t sound like neurotypical behaviour for a 6 year old.
i have a 6 year old NT and a 7 year old ND, we do days out but I always let them know in advance what we are doing. I also tell them whether we will be staying in. I think I like to know what I’m doing before the day so makes sense to tell the children too.
i think it’s odd that a 6 year old would be mentally exhausted unless they are under a lot of stress.

Aw OP, that’s really tough. I can hear in your responses how at a loss you feel. He sounds exactly like my 6yo, everything you’ve written resonates. My 6yo DS is largely, aside from some difficulty getting in, great at school. He is incredibly hard work at home. Argumentative, angry, sometimes destructive. He cannot leave his brother alone and constantly winds him up. He’s absolutely non stop crashing/spinning/racing about. But he’s mentally exhausted but rarely wants to leave the house.

He’s just been diagnosed as ASD with a pda profile. He’s the same boy, the ASD diagnosis doesn’t change him, it just helps me frame his behaviour, respond better which I turn helps the behaviour. Not always I’ll add! It’s fucking exhausting but it’s the reality, and that’s the only you
can makes sense of it all.

Just do short trips to the park. Its cold, grey and miserable out. We havent been out the house really.
I used to make sure we were out and about all the time going to this and that, memberships to national trust etc, but this past year I have dialled it back massively and life is actually easier and more enjoyable and the kids just dont really mind at all.
We do a thing I call 'park dash, that I made up. We jump in the car, speed off to a park and then I say 'park dash' and we have to get out the car as quick as we can and run to the play area. Then the kids have exactly 15 minutes to go on everything as quick as they can. Then we go home. They love it and always ask if we can do park dash. Itd also good for after a boring trip to the shops or lunch out etc.

Take him on short trips that you think he will like, ignore any whinging. Once he’s got the hang of that then go on longer days.

How often do you take him on “trips out” I don’t mean just a trip to the park I mean days out? Sometimes if you do it too often with children they don’t appreciate it (as in every weekend). I would stop for a little while, stay at home - but no tv. He soon realise that trips out are much nicer.

I’d say it’s maybe quite unusual for a child that age not to enjoy a day out like that especially that includes a play centre? You say that you get he’s tired, but a six year old should be able to get through a reasonably active day without tiredness being a huge factor. Is he getting to sleep at a reasonable time? School can be hard, but I wouldn’t expect that to be a factor in his attitude to days out so not sure what you mean by that. Also unusual for a kid that age to love his toys and TV so much that he complains during days out. It sounds like you are limiting these appropriately.
He sounds like he might be getting easily overstimulated and as someone else suggested possibly ND? I‘m not sure that consequences are the way to go here. Can he tell you why he’s annoyed?
Trying to prepare him for transitions might help him. Saying stuff like ‘we’re going to play in the soft play for an hour (or say till the little hand is on 4) and then we’ll get in the car and go home and you can watch your programme’. When he starts to get difficult try to create a little down time, like sit with him and have a drink and a rest. It sounds like he takes comfort in familiar places and activities. The more I think about the more I’m inclined to think he doesn’t have much control over this.

Op, I would say it the actual activity not the going out that’s the issue here. Try much more low key stuff like taking him out on his scooter along a coast path, walk etc or cycling. He’s overstimulated by the venue hence the behaviour. Sport might eventually be his outlet as he gets older as there is routine to football on a Saturday / swimming on a Sunday for example - try anything especially team sports. Just my view by your DS does sound like he has ADHD x

My dd was just like this, I wish I could say it gets better but she’s 21 now and still moans when we go out. Dd has Autism and ADHD as do I. We do both however love nature reserves and wetland centres 🤣, though at the age of 6 probably not as much. Dd made going on holidays and trips out pretty miserable, it got easier as she got older and we started to adapt trips out around our ‘special interests’ and we avoided places that were overwhelming. Parks were always a nightmare unless there were hardly anyone else there. Dd would chose to stay at home if given the choice, I often had to make her go out to get fresh air, but I would give her choices as to where we could go.

In would definitely go down the proactive route of ND assesments. I wouldn’t rely on the school either to assist or guide here. Most are pretty awful and if academically he is on track or he isn’t a ‘nuisance’ in class they’d rather ignore it due to funding issues anyway. Also the majority of primary SENCO’s are really not that knowledgeable - you really need to be the advocate for your child so start engaging the GP independently here.

Your expectations of him aren’t unreasonable OP

I posted before I read your updates and now I’m even more sure there is ND going on.

TBH a 6 year old is probably not too keen on a wetland! Maybe see if he has any ideas what to do? Christmas is exciting and exhausting in equal measures.He is back to School in a weeks time, so maybe he would like a morning out at the park or soft play .Afternoon with TV for a little while and a hot choc on the sofa.

Many of us suggest OP looks into autism or adhd. Her son has many traits. So not helpful to be told to basically shape up if you have a neuro divergent child. Especially by a teacher.

As soon as you said this:

'I have wondered if it’s a transition thing to be honest. He used to have a lot of tantrums as a toddler/pre schooler at points of transition but once we were out, he was no bother.'

Even then I was already thinking hmmm ASD maybe? Then i saw the drip feed. Struggling with transitions is typical with ASD. Give him lots of warnings before changing activities for this 10 and then 5 minutes for example. With that combined with the constant energy makes me wonder about possible AuDHD.

DS was also great at school - the routine is often great for kids with ASD. I would try to have a routine with him at home too as much as possible. Is there anywhere he likes to go out to or to do when he's out? If you find somewhere then fit that in the schedule.

Does he have swimming lessons OP? I think swimming is a vital life skill and a great way to tire him out.

My first thought was ND, with a PDA profile plus sensory overwhelm. Boundaries are important but it’s not just about what the rules are but how they are communicated. It may be useful to look into declarative language which can be very helpful when communicating with a PDAer. Also important to add - this type of behaviour is not anything to do with your failings, it is simply how he is wired and how he interacts with the world around him. It is also understandable that you are exhausted. You will have your own needs, especially if you are also ND. Take some time to learn how to interact with his type of brain - it’s akin to giving swimming instructions to a monkey who lives in trees. The monkey actually needs support to navigate the trees, where he thrives.

I know that there has to be some extra steps put in for ND children. But they need firm boundaries probably more than NT children. They need to know where they stand. It can’t just be an excuse to ignore all poor behaviour. Suggestions like discussing the day with them before going I get, so they know what to expect. Suggestions of just ignoring and allowing poor behaviour I don’t think is the answer. This won’t happen when they are at school.

Oooooh lots of red flags right here! My daughter is very much the same! Doesn't enjoy standard "fun" outings that other kids would, can't play independently, struggles with transitions, extremely limited in activities she's willing to participate in, obsessed with screen time, also had an insane amount of energy when younger. She is autistic by the way. It might be something you want to look into because if your son is on the high functioning end the signs can be quite subtle.

Also just wanted to add, no child chooses to ruin a trip out for the fun of it. Why would they? All behaviour is communication and the best time to have a chat and find out what's going on here is when he's calm. "Consequences" are not appropriate here imo.

Your headline claims he is ruining outings but he is just ruining your perception of what an ideal outing should be like. He is simply expressing his emotions and I’d advise you to understand the root of those emotions rather than to seek to punish him. It’s hard but the worst thing is to condition a 6 year old to suppress their feelings as while it might make you happier it will distance him from you.

Honestly, do trips he likes, I don't believe he's interested in absolutely nothing, if he likes soft play does he like outdoor play areas and trimtrails, or scavenger hunts. If he's watching something on tv, can you plan a trip around that (transport museum if its cars, zoo if its animals etc). Do you actually mean "every trip" or do you mean ones you want to do. Kids are humans, if your husband took you to something you didn't ask for, don't like and don't enjoy, would you lie and repeatedly say it was amazing, or would you basically moan in a polite "not really my thing babe, can we go home soon" way. You're asking your child to cover up their feelings of discomfort and lie to you, just remember, you get the behaviour you ask for, and you'll be back here saying "how can I get my child to talk/be honest with me" when he is 13 and he doesn't tell you how he feels about anything.
Kids can be really annoying, sadly, either ignore it or listen to him and build stuff around him. They come with their own personalities and likes and dislikes, I've one who loves theatre, museums and art galleries and another who can't sit still and loves bike rides, sports, skiing and playparks - we discuss, compromise, sometimes split into two twos, and we respect their differences. They are who they are, they like what they like. You can't just force them to enjoy what you want them to unfortunately. It's also totally OK for them to sometimes not enjoy stuff, that's life! Teach him to feel it, express it appropriately and live with the discomfort of it. He doesn't have to pretend he's happy and you shouldn't make him but equally, in life he won't always be happy and that's totally OK for all of you too.

He just doesn’t seem to be able to do creative play, it’s sad but it’s almost like he doesn’t have an imagination. He’s never played with anything like action figures or anything like that - the odd occasions he is engaged it’s when he’s building a Lego models following instructions.

This was me and to a large extent DS. We are both NT and doing fine as adults. DS's favourite activity was 'parade' which was just lining up animals, lego figures etc round the room. Try other activities which require less imagination such as reading to him, easy card games like Uno, jigsaws, kids sudoku, peeling veg together.

DS when tired would actually ramp up and almost ping off the walls. No lying down quietly and snuggling on a sofa. He was physically tired but wouldn't give in. You have my sympathy but I wouldn't punish him. Tennis was the sport that worked for DS, from reception.