Consequences for 6 year old who ruins every trip out

[20Twenty6]

What sort of consequences do you impose for a child who repeatedly ruins trips out? 6 year old DS. Used to be a pleasure to take out but the last 6-12 months just spends the whole time whinging loudly about every tiny thing, generally being obstructive and whining to go home every 2 minutes. I get that he’s tired, I get that school is hard, I get he prefers toys and TV (which we strictly limit as he’d watch all day otherwise) but we really don’t ask too much. We drove today to a wetland centre, first time out since the 23rd. Great play area, loads of stuff on for kids, got him a hot chocolate from the cafe, but still he was so so negative. We’ve tried to be really understanding and kind previously but I’m just totally fed up of his entitlement to be honest and feel we need to get tougher.

Might sound overally simplistic, but does he like swimming? I know a few ADHD kids and all absolutely love the pool. I think ADHD kids suffer more with transitions, so you possibly have to accept that when he is whining, he’s feeling anxious or needs reassurance/attention. Did you always find his needs quite high? You mention he has a sibling? Maybe this too means he’s competing for attention, albeit subconsciously.

Where do you go that's fun for a 6 year old?

My husband does the same. So I stopped taking him. Now if he complains he is missing out I remind him why. And now when he does come out he doesn’t spend the whole day whinging.

Leave him with a relative (preferably a really boring one) and go out for days by yourself. When you get back tell him all about the great things you have seen and he missed.

Mine is 10 years older than yours but same presentation. I will gladly offer support and recommendations if you'd like them. We have to stand with our fellow parents of PDA kids xxx

Give him quality 1:1 time with you daily, then quality 1:1 time with your DH daily. No younger sibling around.

He just doesn’t seem to be able to do creative play, it’s sad but it’s almost like he doesn’t have an imagination. He’s never played with anything like action figures or anything like that - the odd occasions he is engaged it’s when he’s building a Lego models following instructions.

Sounds just like my DS. Finally diagnosed ASD at 11 years (We had been on the waiting list since he was 6 years).

He was an absolute sponge for learning facts so loads of TV documentaries and YouTube but often overwhelmed by new experiences so lots of outdoor stuff in familiar places: forest adventure play parks, Forest School (never joined in games, just swung in the tree, cooked at the fire pit and observed minibeasts), local playgrounds.

Indoors: soft play and big local museums about tanks, trains, cars, rural life, sealife with lots to see and learn about.

Also hates football. The only club he's ever been able to cope with is Youth Volunteering at our local heritage railway - loads of hard physical graft - which he adores.

He also loves cycling and will now take himself off on epic half-day cycling expeditions on the weekend.

Further inspired by Duke of Edinburgh Award, he is also volunteering weekly after school at a cycle sales and repair shop.

He is extremely bright, determined, rule abiding and academic.

Good luck, OP.

If you take them to unstructured places, they will probably have fun. Sand pits, beaches that are not flat and have rock pools etc, climbing rocks on commons, wild woods, anywhere messy and naturally untidy, i.e. places where adults would probably hate and get really dirty and tear clothes. Ignore any activities unless actively asked to join in.

Maybe he was trying to convey that he just needed to be quiet. Didn’t want any entertainment, it was a torment to him.

Would he be into audiobooks? We don’t do screen time and audiobooks are a big thing for our DC. DC is gifted ( to the point where she is ND because she is so far away from typical and a lot of typical advice doesn’t work great for her) but doesn’t have other behavioral diagnosis. She can really get frustrated if consequences or explanations don’t actually make sense (ie, you need to do xxx so we know you’re safe, when she IS being safe, just not where we can see her. She does seem sensory seeking with sound (and I suspect would have a hard time stopping screen time if it was available) and audiobooks really engage her.

Although she is not autistic or ADHD, we have had the advice several times that trying those parenting strategies won’t NOT work for a NT kid so worth a try!

Children need freedom to develop, get into dangerous situations to find their own characters. They have too much indoor life under supervision and watched and analysed. Let them out, run wild, do stuff that you do not know about. They will come back hungry, dirty and happy, and most of all Educated. You will hear all about what they did in their own time and words.

Helicopter parents are the scourge of this generation. We will have adults with only imagination driven by computers and AI.

It’s the day after Boxing Day. I presume you had a busy few days over Christmas doing fun but exhausting things like visiting people and having lots of food - or even just an out of routine overwhelming time. My DD (3) told me this morning, when I suggested a walk then the park, ‘mummy I want to chill at home today.’ And I get that because she has had a busy few weeks and wants to wind down watching telly and having a cuddle on the sofa.

You've had a lot (a lot!!) of advice, and yes a lot of conflicting advice.

Do just take some time to sit with it and see what you think resonates most. You know your son better than anyone online!

For my 2p worth: it does sound potentially like ADHD, I don't think it's anything you've done in terms of your parenting, but you could explore 'parenting ADHD children' strategies and see if any of them help. The poster who said 'good fences make good neighbours' and talked about firm boundaries - that just wouldn't have worked with me as a child. I would, as someone else said, just have perceived the consequence (especially if it was non-immediate) as unfair.

It's not your fault, and ADHD or autism, while yes making life harder, doesn't have to be scary (and schools can be crap at spotting it in the academically able, ask me how I know...).

It's strange to hear that Playcentre's are off your to do list. We brought up our Grandson from the age of four and as my husband was working long hours , most of the child care was left to me. play Centres were my respite. I took my book, found myself a quiet[ish] corner and let him get on with it. He usually made a mate and I'd have two-three hours of rest. I always had to tell him what the plan was for the outing in advance because he did [and still does have PDA and several other issues. He can't cope with surprises] It sounds as if your little treasure needs to spend more time in the garden, whatever the weather occupying himself. His moaning sounds like a protest against loneliness, Perhaps a little resentment of little brother? It will pass. Do let him have mates over to play and stop giving him so much one to one attention. He needs to learn how to play alone. If he craves your attention then try giving him chores to do. He can help with a dishwasher, hoovering, dusting, polishing, making his bed etc. Cooking of course is always a winner.

I see someone else mentioned PDA and that was my first thought as well. Even without the drip feed it sounds like some sort of neurodivergence. Children can mask at school, so take it with a pinch of salt if they say he is fine there. Some schools are also just terrible at noticing things: my son went to one school and when we mentioned autism they were genuinely astonished and said that they had seen no signs. He moved school the next year and within a month, they were speaking to me about all of his autistic traits (I hadn't told them we already suspected it before).
It's tricky when you have more than one child, but maybe try and change your expectations of days out. If he's fed up and needs a break from it all, let him sit and watch something on a phone/tablet for a short time so that his brother can still enjoy himself. And try and do some days out 1:1 with your children if you can, as it is nice for them to get that individual attention and normally they will be more engaged and it will be more enjoyable for everyone. Also giving him some control on family days out, such as giving him the map and letting him choose the direction you go in, or giving a choice of two things (where you're happy with both) eg should we have lunch now and then go to the play area or go to the play area and then have lunch?

I have a 10yo who could whinge for England she is naturally incredibly negative.

If we push it for a week of forcing her to come up with 3 positive things every day she is so much nicer by the weekend, but it does take effort on our part because at no point will she volunteer anything positive without being asked 😅

She also doesn't play creatively on her own but can with others - so as your younger one grows up this might help - she loves board games (although again that obviously requires our participation), she is happy teaching herself keyboard for a while, more constructive things are generally more successful.

I’d stop being understanding and kind and start telling him off.

My son was the same when he was around 6. He particularly hated walks and I still don’t really make him go on walks! Things that helped were getting him into a football club with 2-3x weekly training - i know you said your son doesn’t like football but if he can get into any sport at all it’ll help his personal development loads and teach patience and discipline, how to deal with disappointment as well as the physical benefits. Later on shortly after he turned 8 we also deleted Youtube and Roblox from his devices because he just wanted to sit in front of them while his brain rotted. He’s like a different kid since we took that particular step.

Its the first thing you've done since the 23rd struck me are you always out and about ? Maybe he just wants to stay home sometimes but you're hellbent in doing something . If you have to leave somewhere due to behaviour no TV toys etc but at the same time not everyone wants to be out doing shit everyday some like to be at home and this is his way of showing that

Consequences for parents who take kids places that overstimulate them = shitty moods and tears.

She’s telling you she can’t handle it in the only way she knows how and you aren’t listening.

The September-to-Christmas term is by far the longest term and all schoolkids find it hard, especially little ones. After Xmas each term is 6 weeks, whereas from Sept to Xmas there are either 7 or 8 weeks each side of the half term. Add in the cold and the dark and it seems like an even longer term!! All kids find this term especially tiring and difficult.
They get plenty of exercise at school (PE + playtimes) so don't worry if he doesn't do much exercise in the Xmas break. It's fine to have plenty of downtime, and even plenty of TV/ipad time if that's what he needs to recover from this long term.
If he continues to be negative about days out next spring/summer then it may be a different issue. My child is like this permanently and she's on the autistic spectrum.

Hi OP I have an intense kid now 8 years old, also an older sibling, who can have an extremely negative mindset and it's soooo draining and exhausting. I recommend this book which is like CBT for kids. It's part of a series. I also have the "what to do when mistakes make you quake" one which helps with kids who are perfectionists and really hard on themselves. https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/236471713343

Remember that all behaviour is an expression of feeling and often an unmet need. Figure out what's going on behind your son's negativity. I often find showering my son with love and/or silliness helps but it's often so hard to do that when they're acting so unpleasantly! I got a parenting coach who has helped me massively. Finding Flow, Emily Hughes, she does it all online and she's amazing.

Just remember that no kid enjoys being miserable and grumpy. Punishing is counterproductive, it will make him act more grumpy, it won't get to the outcome you want.

Hang in there, it's hard!

Hi OP,
Just wanted to say the fact that you’ve even posted on here obviously shows you are an amazing parent who is just trying to do there best and looking for advice so don’t listen to the belittlers.
My child is 3 and suspect neurodivergent we are awaiting diagnosis, when school first bought this up to me I was in absolute denial and was terrified, however just because he shows some traits dosent mean he is, after doing a lot of research I realise there is a massive scale and many NT people show some attributes which are ND. The reason why I mention this is because once I started reading up on ND and how the brain is wired differently parenting her just became so much easier. Before she was just super stubborn, didn’t listen etc etc but in fact it wasn’t that she just didn’t understand and didn’t want to transition and didn’t see why she should.
Ive changed my parenting with her now there’s a lot more getting down to her eye level, talking to her about things, explaining what we’ll be doing in the morning for the day, giving 5 min timers, in 5 mins we’ll be etc etc. and honestly the difference is insane. So whether or not you want to get him investigated for ND is your choice, but I would definitely look into parenting styles for ND and see if it helps, just to make both your lives easier :) Hope this helps.

Two suggestions. One is invite a friend. If he doesn’t have a similar aged sibling to play with, he is going to get bored much faster. Whereas with a mate in a playground they’ll probably play happily for ages, etc.

Second suggestion is tell him if he doesn’t behave you’ll go back to the car and sit in it until he is ready to behave. NOT go home - that’s probably what he wants. Sitting in a stationary car in the car park is much more boring than playing in the playground.

I'm not exactly sure what people are expecting for a lively six year old with regards to independent play for hours on end but from my perspective I think you may be asking too much.

He needs to be outside, playing. Now, whether this is an hour's drive and a load of hassle to the parents is entirely your choice, but I can tell you now, no six year in the world cares about if it's a wetland or if it's just a local park/ national trust area/local woodland.

The point us, he needs to be outside, roaming around. Unstructured play.

Do not put expectations on him when out and about i.e. 'go down the slide Tarquin!', if he's just happy playing with a stick.

Let him just be.

He has enough of that at school.

I second ADHD. My granddaughter came to live with me and I was exhausted. The inability to play on her own, friends, etc. We've made so much progress by making strict boundaries. I do tell her what the itinerary will be if it's busy, out of the ordinary, etc. When I look back on a year ago, she's thriving. Her behavior was pointed out in preschool (age,4), so she was on the radar of school and healthcare. She's on medication and will tell you her mind is not busy anymore, etc. It's Xmas Break and she's made her own breakfast almost everyday with no complaints. We talked the other day how much she's grown. It's hard in the moment when it feels like it's a struggle hour to hour, but things get better.