12 (almost 13 yr old) just seems to switch off brain permanently.

[foel]

Started off with what we assumed was just teen laziness. Couldn't be bothered at all.

Forgetting things for school, generally being useless.

Then we realised the school had a problem with her so this was somewhat different. I guess at 12/13 years old they treat the kids like they're not toddlers any more.

Doesn't work for our daughter. Missed things, never knows what lessons shes got, forgets homework etc. If she can she will leave things to other people rather than have to make the effort to think for herself - I'm sure shes lost friends who (and I can't blame them) have got sick of her being the only one who never know if x class is on or etc...

Its as if anything needing one iota of brain power - nope brain turned off. She walks around with her head up her backside all day long.

The thing she does at home. Nearly knackered the kettle twice "I didn't know there was no water in it!" "No one told me to turn the cooker off".....
Cooking instructions "I dont know how to cook this do I?" "what does the packet say?" "microwave on high 5 mins" "there we go then"
Then "what does that mean?"

Are you kidding me?

Its almost as if shes regressed to the mental ability of a 6/7 year old to be honest....

BUT tiktok and/or skincare products I'm sure shes a world leading expert. I don wonder if less tab/phone time is the answer?

You are being really horrid about her. She's hormonal and living in a complicated world compared to the one you grew up in. Give her a break fgs.

I think you've answered your own question there!
I think a lot of this is pretty standard for 12/13 but scrolling social media and spending too much time on phones definitely makes it worse. It literally affects their brain function.

Actually I should say it affects all our brain function, not just kids but certainly a still developing brain is more vulnerable.

ADHD.

Harder to conceal the older they get.

Children who are emotionally or verbally abused by their parents do switch off mentally. I was exactly like that & my mother used to often say the same shit you have on this thread. If you want her to become more present you need to stop stressing her out.

Also thinking ADHD.

God you don't like your DD much do you!

This sounds fairly extreme. What support are you giving her?

Reminders to pack her bag for school the night before having checked her timetable, a copy of her time table on the wall/fridge etc, a whiteboard in her room for reminders, an easily accessible copy of timetable in her blazer etc

ADHD. I have 2 like this. It is hair-pullingly maddening sometimes.

This sounds a bit like my son, he is dyslexic. Until he was diagnosed I had no idea dyslexia could present like this - it that or another neurodiversity a possibility?

Also, if she’s constantly worried about getting things wrong, it might be causing her to get things wrong/not have confidence in what she is doing.

thanks for your opinion here....🙄

eh?

Honestly is there really any need for comments like this? How does this help?

All I can see here is someone (i.e. you) who appears to get a bit of a kick out of throwing they're weight around on an internet forum.....

thanks for all the helpful messages from those who took the time.

Those of you who just wanted to have a dig - please go and play somewhere else. Just remember if a comment you put of an internet forum is not something you'd say to someone's face then you probably should think again.

Well, funny you should say this, its something we're looking into.

Thanks for the understanding too. If it is this, then you'll understand.
Remember the saying about walking 100 mile in someone else's mocassins? Seems to ring true.

Sadly, on this and a lot of forums, there appears to be a lot of people too keen to jump in there and start the abuse just because they can.

I've just re-read your OP to make sure I hadn't been unfair. And yes, I would say that you appear to dislike your daughter, and would say that to your face.

I also gave some suggestions for ways that you could help her.

Why are we no longer allowed to moan about how frustrating our children can be without being accused of hating them and emotional abuse??
OP I agree that you should look carefully at ADHD. You could be waiting a while to find anything out so I would suggest you look into ways that are recommended for helping adhd children help themselves. These strategies could be useful no matter what.

It does sound a bit like me at that age. Some of the things you write made me wonder whether she is reading very well, so I’m also questioning dyslexia. Does she ever read for pleasure?

I did read endlessly then and that was one of the reasons I was out to lunch in so many arrangements, I just wasn’t listening. I had a very kind best friend who ‘managed’ me. With hindsight we presented remarkably like one girl with ADHD and one with autism. I hope I did something for her…

I sometimes find working as if I had ADHD helps me - I use a lot of strategies recommended to that community. Maybe try some of them - she will need a lot of patient nagging away to believe that they will help - I doubt she is very aware yet that other people don’t operate like her.

Sounds exactly like my daughter. I haven’t been able to get her an adhd diagnosis as she masks too well at school, but I know without a shadow of a doubt she has it (Her Dad also has adhd (diagnosed later in life). It can be incredibly frustrating to deal with, but it is really worth reading up on it, particularly with girls, as the way they present is different to boys. I try really hard to understand how hard it is for her to do the daily things that we all take for granted. She has to work much harder than others to try and keep on top of things and she is exhausted by it. (Also poor emotional regulation due to it, which doesn’t make things easier).

once you understand that she simply may not be able to do the things that you think are so easy it may help your feelings about her and let you focus on ways to support her

The thing is, you describe a child with executive functioning issues, problems organising herself, and the potential social consequences of this, and then say she is useless, has got her head up her backside and essentially blame her for not being able to manage.

If you're concerned about ADHD, why are you framing these problems as laziness rather than an inability to do things the same way as her peers? You mention walking a mile in someone else's moccasins, but have you done that for your daughter?

Sounds absolutely classic ADHD in girls to me, right down to hyper focus on skin care and a functional age below her chronological age.

Be gentler with her. If it is ADHD, she can’t help it and she needs support rather than being told off for doing something wrong. Her executive function skills will be way behind her peers.

Expect school to not really see anything though.

You're welcome. As someone with an infuriating ASD teen, I can tell you the first step to getting what you need and she needs is to reign in your irritation. Contempt - and your post oozes it - just makes people worse. That is my practical advice. If you find it judgy and it makes you bristle think how your kid feels about you saying she's got her head up her arse.

It sounds like she is lacking some critical thinking and comprehension skills as well as struggling with retaining information. A lot of those examples relate to the written word. Social media etc is usually more spoken and visual and it might be that her brain is more receptive to this style of learning.

For instructions and cooking I'd look at getting her a white board for the kitchen with all of the steps for whatever she's doing. Re-writing instructions in your own words can help with comprehension and absorbing the information.

I would do the same with timetables get her to write out a planner for the next few days. Explore different options - colour coding activities if she engages with colour or if images are better draw a little figure for each. Maybe look into bullet journals for her

I am a very visual learner I retain information from a blank page more than a lined page. Information in different colours rather than black and white.

There are so many different ways of learning information and I think I would be exploring these to see if it helps her in day to day life.

Teenage brains undergo a fundamental reorganisation. It's a normal part of development as they discard information no longer required and get ready for adulting. It's a bit like trying to drive a car while the instrument panel is being replaced.

In the meantime - dealing with hormones, school work, friendships, and another evolutionary gift - rebelling against parents.

Don't jump straight to ADHD. She may be "just" a teenager.

Help her with tactics to overcome organisational problems. Let her learn through her mistakes (as long as she doesn't burn the house down). Be patient. Look after your own wellbeing. It's a long road through the teens.

She needs to get her head out of her phone and into the real world before she starts getting branded as having ADHD.

Children aren’t branded. 🙄 If she has ADHD then it will be diagnosed by a multidisciplinary team who are trained to assess for it and funnily enough, they can tell the difference between a neurodivergent brain and a typical teenager who uses a mobile phone.