12 (almost 13 yr old) just seems to switch off brain permanently.

[foel]

Started off with what we assumed was just teen laziness. Couldn't be bothered at all.

Forgetting things for school, generally being useless.

Then we realised the school had a problem with her so this was somewhat different. I guess at 12/13 years old they treat the kids like they're not toddlers any more.

Doesn't work for our daughter. Missed things, never knows what lessons shes got, forgets homework etc. If she can she will leave things to other people rather than have to make the effort to think for herself - I'm sure shes lost friends who (and I can't blame them) have got sick of her being the only one who never know if x class is on or etc...

Its as if anything needing one iota of brain power - nope brain turned off. She walks around with her head up her backside all day long.

The thing she does at home. Nearly knackered the kettle twice "I didn't know there was no water in it!" "No one told me to turn the cooker off".....
Cooking instructions "I dont know how to cook this do I?" "what does the packet say?" "microwave on high 5 mins" "there we go then"
Then "what does that mean?"

Are you kidding me?

Its almost as if shes regressed to the mental ability of a 6/7 year old to be honest....

BUT tiktok and/or skincare products I'm sure shes a world leading expert. I don wonder if less tab/phone time is the answer?

Ha! This sounds exactly like me in the shift between primary and secondary and between secondary and A Level and again between A level and uni.

For me I'm just natural quite lazy and was used to thinking "someone will tell me if I need to do X by Y date or be here at X time."

I bucked my ideas up eventually when I got in trouble and realised all my peers were starting to self-motivate.

To this day I remember chucking stuff in the kitchen bin when a new bag hadn't been put in it yet. Wish I could ring DM and apologize for that, what an asshole 😂

Well get her off tik tok for a start

Books used to be good for downtime. Now they're regarded as work, and resented.

This sounds a little like me. Grew up in a house with domestic violence and was bullied in school. Sadly I had no social media de distract me or I would have been more out of than I already was. To add to the shit I was mostly disconnected from, my mother was constantly annoyed at me being clumsy, forgetting things and neglecting my school work.

i am glad OP is jumping on the ADHD-get-out-responsibility-card. This way she will never have to look at her own behavior and can be relieved that her daughter's behavior has nothing to do with her parenting.

For DD1 it was dsylexia, dsypraxia and inattentive ADHD - DS 18 still waiting to find out.

Honestly though I just parented them as I was- Scaffolding - they see you do tasks - you start them doing some of it ready to jump in - you give them more to do - you prompt them to plan tasks or do - you build up daily routines give them tools to cope and then slowly step back.

You build in habits checking what on that day and working backward to what is needed so it's so routine they automatcially do it. You demostrate how to plan journey's - you do it with them and then eventually they do it themsleves. Cooking they do it with you - baking mainly when young- you start then off sit back then they do it - then they leave home forget everything and then slowly remember how to.

Wall charts - visual and verbal reminders routines - breaking tasks down for them - then trying to get them to do the same. Asking what homework they have that day - so they are reminded to check ask what they have coming up that day or tommorow.

None of that would hurt a NT child either and to me this seems like basic parenting as that is how I was raised.

If she’s so oblivious she shouldn’t have a phone or tablet anyway as she is unsafe and can’t be trusted to make good choices online or not watch unsafe things.

get rid and go back to basics with her.

start teaching her everything again.

she has to have tick lists for everything when she leaves the house and make her go through them before she leaves.

if he wants to watch to or play a game limited to 30 minutes and supervised by an adult.

she has to start learning to cook with who ever is making dinner a couple
of nights a week.

she does homework sat at a table next to an adult when she gets home. she’s either forgotten and needs reminding or hasn’t picked up the skills and needs to start from scratch again.

we had this and thought it might be dylexia or a learning need. Nope, just lazy according to all tests. So back to basics

Obviously there will be many genuine cases. However, I have two students with IEPs in place who don't have any diagnosed learning differences, and yet the (private) psychologist recommended the accommodations, and the school obliged.

I also thought ADHD. It sounds like a lack of executive function. Perhaps read about the symptoms of ADHD because it might reassure you that she's not doing it on purpose.

These kind of comments are needed as you seem oblivious to how awful you are about your DD and the impact that could have on her.

She sounds like me as a teenager. Perfectly normal functioning adult now. Takes a while to get there for some of us 🤣 My sister boiled milk in the kettle and ruined it aged about 15, it’s a right of passage to do something dumb as f as a teen tbh…

This. So much of modern human behaviour is driven by short form micro content. Which mimics and can even create ADHD type behaviours.

I wish more would try going screen free for extended periods. It so beneficial to the whole family. ND and NT

But you’re saying worse things about your own daughter in a public forum? You can’t use harsh language to describe your daughter then flinch when someone then implies that you weren’t being kind…

I think you could have worded your post much kinder and still got your point across. As someone who was once like this and now struggles with low self esteem, your daughter needs support not judgement otherwise your opinion of her will affect her view of herself for years to come

Do you iron your knickers? How do you manage to get them so straight whilst perched on such a high horse?

The reading comment was a really good thought...

All you have done is give out about her - what have you done to help her at all then ? is screen time restricted? does she have a dairy to write things in that she needs done. does she have calender or chart in her room to list what she has on x day etc. speak to the school and ask is there any assistance that can help her

I think the transition from primary to secondary school can be big and a bit overwhelming. Sounds reasonable to be looking into adhd. I do think anxiety can play a part too (maybe or maybe not link to adhd) but just feeling overwhelmed can mean sometimes signing out a bit. Dont know if relevant but just a thought.

I’d cut down access to phone in some way although I appreciate this can be hard. I am trying to role model limited usage although can’t say I am always succeeding. But most things promote that search for a dopamine hit and diverts attention from what we know we need to do. We are doing no phone in the week for our DD but can watch a programme on tv in the living room when gets home from school. 1 hour on sat and sun allowed. No tiktok or insta etc. more for messsging friends and playing games. Trying to stick to it but not perfectly. Find I’ve got to be quite directive about other activities sometimes eg let’s do reading together; you do drawing while I do x… I can see how I get sucked in to things on the phone so trying to think about this in the long term. So going out more for walks and stuff, doing clubs and inviting friends over.
Also discussing together and coming up with ways to help her remember things eg night time checklist of things for next day, a mini timetable to have in her pencil case maybe colour coded or something, set plan for homework eg Mondays maths, Tuesday English etc on a chart on the fridge so knows what has to do each day with gentle reminders eg after your programme shall I get you a snack and then you can do your maths etc.
Anyway just some thoughts re things I am trying although not always implementing successfully! Good luck

Truth hurts sweetheart

I completely agree with this. As the years have gone on it has become more and more obvious that my teen has adhd, finally getting diagnosis in yr 11. I wish I had considered it earlier to be honest. It would have save a lot of arguments.

Well, I have an AuDHD kid and a neurotypical kid and I’m here to say hormones. Has she started her periods yet?

Very similar to me with ADHD. I will put things off, forget, procrastinate but give me one of my interests and I can hyper focus and bore the arse off you with reams of info.

I think people are being a bit harsh saying you dislike your daughter, I don't hear that, I do hear frustration and as a parent of an ND child - it is frustrating! I'd definitely try and remember that she probably can't help it. It might seem like she's being deliberately disorganised/not trying BUT in my experience most kids really do want to be independent and able to manage things, and not be in trouble at home or school. Approach it with those eyes and build some structure for her to succeed. We find useful (although you might not);
Stuck up lists (e.g. in the bathroom "clean teeth,wash face, deodorant)
Timetables in the hall cupboard (Tuesday - take pe kit)
To do lists (homework, home tasks, chores etc)
In your instance I'd be tempted to stick a little note by the kettle saying "please check I have water in me".
Use sand timers to set amounts of time to do things in and focus for that specific amount of time
Lots of storage boxes, all labelled, everything goes in them straight away
a chair for tomorrows clothes, checked every night to ensure there is uniform and bags ready to go
Can it be annoying when we are late, or he forgets stuff, or things get lost- yes. However, we give grace and discuss how we as a family build a process or routine or hack to stop that issue happening again. Sighing/nagging/telling off or punishing won't change the behaviour if she can't control it, so all work together to find ways to scaffold her life and help her be as independent as she can be right now, regardless of how little it might seem!

Sounds like me at that age too and you sound like my annoying mum. She couldn’t understand why I was the polar opposite of my older sister.

If you suspect she might be ND then instead of moaning at her, provide tools and strategies to help her manage these tasks. Her brain doesn’t work in the way that yours does so she needs help. If she was in a wheelchair, you wouldn’t complain that she couldn’t run for a bus, would you?

Notice boards to post timetables and letters from school on, task lists, sticky notes, boxes to drop stuff into, encourage her to use the Notes and Calendar apps on her phone etc.

I am extremely efficient at some tasks and hopeless at others but luckily my DH helps me with those areas of life that I struggle with. He’s a star!! 🌟

Sounds exactly like my 12 year old son. Op you e had some rotten comments on here when it just sounds to me like your at your wits end… how people jumped to the extreme verbal abuse outcome I don’t know. plenty of mums think things like this but god knows we don’t actually say it to the child!

My kid is smart but my goodness is he lazy!! Sounds exactly like your DD. Basically I’ve walked myself into it, not his fault. I’ve let him have way too much screen time/playstation and DH can’t see the issue with it so I get no support there. I’ve been cutting it down the last 3 months and I’ve seen a decent improvement. Hope this helps.

She does sound like my DD who is ASD/ADHD. She’s not doing it on purpose and probably finds school and life skills completely overwhelming. Screen time is something that I wondered and worried about but the child psychologist I spoke to when we got the diagnosis said that for children with ASD/ADHD it’s a really good way for them to regulate so the rules that apply to neurotypical children don’t apply.

Take her to the GP and explain her issues so your DD can be referred for an assessment. But in all honesty, I’d just treat her ‘as if’ she’s been diagnosed and I’m sure you’ll see a happier calmer DD.

Executive dysfunctioning.
My 14 yr old is AUDHD and secondary school is so stressful, with everything she needs to remember everyday.
However.... she spends a lot of time each morning doing her hair and makeup and then will forget a pen. That right there is hyper focus when she wants it and forgetting stuff when its not. Being a neurodivergent teen sucks never mind neurodiverse.