12 (almost 13 yr old) just seems to switch off brain permanently.

[foel]

Started off with what we assumed was just teen laziness. Couldn't be bothered at all.

Forgetting things for school, generally being useless.

Then we realised the school had a problem with her so this was somewhat different. I guess at 12/13 years old they treat the kids like they're not toddlers any more.

Doesn't work for our daughter. Missed things, never knows what lessons shes got, forgets homework etc. If she can she will leave things to other people rather than have to make the effort to think for herself - I'm sure shes lost friends who (and I can't blame them) have got sick of her being the only one who never know if x class is on or etc...

Its as if anything needing one iota of brain power - nope brain turned off. She walks around with her head up her backside all day long.

The thing she does at home. Nearly knackered the kettle twice "I didn't know there was no water in it!" "No one told me to turn the cooker off".....
Cooking instructions "I dont know how to cook this do I?" "what does the packet say?" "microwave on high 5 mins" "there we go then"
Then "what does that mean?"

Are you kidding me?

Its almost as if shes regressed to the mental ability of a 6/7 year old to be honest....

BUT tiktok and/or skincare products I'm sure shes a world leading expert. I don wonder if less tab/phone time is the answer?

Sadly the reality is that the waiting lists are so, so long that parents are resorting to private ADHD diagnostic services, some of which are dodgy as heck. Do a quick google and you will see how unscrupulous operators are preying on parents' worries.

This sounds exactly like my daughter who was diagnosed with ADHD aged 18, and my 15 year old son who is currently awaiting assessment. Definitely worth looking into. Also maddening to live with....

If you go down the ADHD route, request Right to Choose from your GP to get a waiting time under 3 years.

Even if she has ADHD, you need to be minimising the phone use - it isn't either/or - (more so, especially if it's districting her to the level she isn't aware enough of her surroundings to be safe).

You don't need to treat her like a toddler, but there is a gradient between doing everything for them and leaving them to it. If she isn't yet capable, you do things together, otherwise you're setting her up to fail. Get a timetable up on the wall, remind her to get her bag ready the night before until it becomes a habit. Distract her from the phone in a positive way and model that good behaviour yourself.

I think treating her as if she has adhd is a good strategy. So read up, listen to podcasts, find webinars for parents of adhders. If she hasn't got adhd the techniques will still help her. In other words parent the child you have, not the one you wanted to have.

I'd take a guess here and say she's got brain rot from access to screens and social media from an early age.

All teenagers are obsessed with tiktok etc - if her behaviour is noticeably different to her same-aged peers, it needs investigating.

Yes screen time needs limits so it doesn't take over life, and it can't hurt in any case to make those limits stronger, but if the use is excessive to the point it's causing brain fog and short attention span, the effect will go away when use cuts down. The term "brain rot" is a joke, you can't literally rot a live person's brain any more than your eyes will become square from too much TV.

If it's ADHD it's not temporary like that. (And it tends to be the other way round BTW - people with ADHD find things like social media/tiktok/computer games even more addictive and compelling than people without ADHD).

It's relatively common, around 5% of people give or take. It's worth screening for since puberty is one of the times it can make itself known due to increased expectations of independent organisation etc in the environment.

EXACTLY

@disappearingfish It's a bit like trying to drive a car while the instrument panel is being replaced.

Isn't that the truth!

My dyslexic daughter struggles like this - we have put lots of support in place for her to manage her working memory, organisation and mental capacity.

I am so proud of her, despite how infuriating it can be for me, it’s worse for her!

You need to find out what’s going on and support her.

I’m going to be honest with you because it sounds like someone needs to be.

The way you’re speaking about your daughter here is incredibly harsh, and it’s worrying.

You’re describing a child who is nearly 13, a child whose brain is in the middle of one of the biggest neurological, hormonal, emotional, and cognitive upheavals of their entire life. Teenagers often forget things, get overwhelmed, shut down, struggle with organisation, and need instructions broken down. That’s developmentally normal.

What isn’t normal or fair is an adult mocking her, comparing her to a 6-year-old, or describing her as “useless”, “brain switched off”, “head up her backside”, or implying she lacks intelligence. That kind of language chips away at self-esteem, confidence and trust. If she is struggling, comments like these won’t help, they’ll make her feel ashamed and even more stuck.

You say she forgets homework, routines, instructions, schedules…. has difficulty planning, organising, processing information, and needs support breaking tasks down. Those are all signs of executive functioning challenges. Lots of teens experience them, and for some, it’s a sign of ADHD, autism, anxiety, overwhelm, even abuse, or simply hitting puberty like a train.

Instead of assuming she’s lazy or “regressed”, it might be worth asking why she feels so overloaded. Is she anxious? Is school demanding too much too fast? Is she masking? Is she struggling with executive functioning? Are hormones affecting concentration and working memory? These are genuine possibilities.

What she needs is guidance, patience, scaffolding, and understanding, not ridicule.

You clearly care deeply about her, but the frustration is pouring out as contempt rather than support. Speaking about your child this way isn’t fair on her, and it also isn’t going to get you the help or change you want.

Try stepping back and seeing her as a young person who’s overwhelmed, not a mini-adult who should automatically function like one.

Compassion will get you far more progress than criticism ever will.

I have a DD15, asked where an item of clothes was, I replied in the wardrobe, the response: what’s a wardrobe. She was serious too, she was about 8/9 at this point. But reading from some comments she does lack in the critical thinking. And needs a lot of telling what to do, otherwise will just stand and watch whatever is going on.

Thing is, you do not know if any of what was written here in frustration is ever actually said in front of the daughter? It may have been better to ask if OP voiced this to her child before presuming.

Use of short form video like TikTok, as well as social media in general, can absolutely mimic ADHD and cause severe issues to our cognition. Cut her off of all of it for a month - and permanently for TikTok and social media if possible! - and see whether there’s improvement to the memory and cognition. If not, explore the ADHD route by all means.

Also worth checking there’s no bullying going on, even if it’s subtle.

Just remember if a comment you put of an internet forum is not something you'd say to someone's face then you probably should think again

So you'd say all this to your DD? You'd tell her she's regressed to a 6yo? That anything that requires an iota of brainpower means she switches her brain off?

I have a 12yo. She's ditsy and forgetful like the best of them. These comments seem unnecessarily harsh and the tone of your whole post is quite nasty. I think that's why people have come in to give you a hard time here.

Have you had her assessed for ADHD? I know it's fashionable to pin everything on it, but that doesn't mean it's not a legitimate concern, especially in girls of secondary age where SEN/additional needs are woefully under-diagnosed.

Sounds like dd3 (and dd1 to some extent). Dd1 has married someone who has taken on my role of making sure life runs smoothly, reminds her of important dates etc, tells her what she needs to know regarding appliances. Dd3 (17) is being assessed for adhd and she would forget her head if it wasn't screwed on and constantly double books herself. She drives me nuts!

I would definitely cut back screen exposure, especially consumption of short attention span media like tiktok.

Our brains can only retain & process so much. The internet/phones give us access to vastly more data than we were exposed to at that age, and it can crowd out other more useful information.

What an awful way to speak about a child, let alone your own daughter. It seems to me like it's you who has your brain switched off and obvious. You describe someone who is either A - neuro diverse or B - chronically depressed.
You should 'get your head out of your backside' and research. You sound like a horrible mum & I hope your daughter hasn't been impacted by your negative view of her.

Not always the case. It’s not easy to get a diagnosis for ASD or ADHD, private or NHS. We went down the private assessment route, it was multi panel and all done to gold standard. Paid several thousand pounds, the pre screen supported a full assessment, the clinic said it was highly likely. However our child did not get a diagnosis, definite traits were evidenced but the conclusion was there not enough evidence across all criteria to support a diagnosis.

My DS is like this. He has a poor functional/working memory. It’s common with dyslexia and I wasn’t aware of that. He’s also creative, has a thirst for knowledge and lots of empathy. We focus on the positives and support where he struggles. It is exhausting and becoming more noticeable as younger DD is becoming more independent. I have to help him pack his school bag every evening, teachers know he has his homework in a folder and he has checklist for lots of everyday tasks. Sometimes I feel like he will have to live with me forever.

edit- he is nearly 14 and doesn’t have social media or a smartphone.

Yes social media and scrolling is proven to lower brain function. Reduce that and tell her when she’s consistently handing in homework etc she can have it back

Dd1 was voted the most ditsy at her Cambridge college. If you've never had to deal with someone like that it can be infuriating. Whenever she comes home I become her pa. Dd3 has got herself in so much trouble for forgetting appointments etc. She is 17 and I tell her she really needs to use phone reminders. She never thinks of the consequences of her actions so rather dreading her going to university next year.

I don't think it's ADHD - not everything is ffs!
And it doesn't sound like you hate your daughter.

I would say they do regress at this age. They are like toddlers again...be kind... be mum...remind her she needs her coat, etc etc.. she will come through it and hopefully not medicated up to the hills like the 'everything is always adhd' crew.

Sounds 100% like ADHd

research that and stop being horrible and to her. She needs support not criticism

it can drive you nuts as a parent so sympathy too

As a female that has ADHD and was diagnosed later in life, this sounds very similar to myself as a teenager/child and I absolutely hated myself for the way I was and the frustration it caused others particularly my parents, because I was otherwise a bright, intelligent kid. No matter how hard I tried it could not be helped, we now know this was caused by issues with executive functioning skills caused by ADHD. Even as an adult now, I would forget my head were it not attached to my body and it drives me up the wall. I now have lists and alarms and calendars in place to keep me on track and am in a successful management level career but it took time to understand myself and the support I needed to put in place for myself to achieve this, and a hell of alot of hard work. But, high-school was an awful struggleand. It never made sense to me why I was different why I couldnt just do what everyone else managed to do.

Im not saying that it is ADHD just something to think about maybe as the story sounds familiar to me.