12 (almost 13 yr old) just seems to switch off brain permanently.

[foel]

Started off with what we assumed was just teen laziness. Couldn't be bothered at all.

Forgetting things for school, generally being useless.

Then we realised the school had a problem with her so this was somewhat different. I guess at 12/13 years old they treat the kids like they're not toddlers any more.

Doesn't work for our daughter. Missed things, never knows what lessons shes got, forgets homework etc. If she can she will leave things to other people rather than have to make the effort to think for herself - I'm sure shes lost friends who (and I can't blame them) have got sick of her being the only one who never know if x class is on or etc...

Its as if anything needing one iota of brain power - nope brain turned off. She walks around with her head up her backside all day long.

The thing she does at home. Nearly knackered the kettle twice "I didn't know there was no water in it!" "No one told me to turn the cooker off".....
Cooking instructions "I dont know how to cook this do I?" "what does the packet say?" "microwave on high 5 mins" "there we go then"
Then "what does that mean?"

Are you kidding me?

Its almost as if shes regressed to the mental ability of a 6/7 year old to be honest....

BUT tiktok and/or skincare products I'm sure shes a world leading expert. I don wonder if less tab/phone time is the answer?

P.s its a big misconception that people with ADHD are lazy. Their brains just work differently.

Yes reminds me of how my mother used to talk about me as well. "You just forgot?" said in withering tones as though I'd done it on purpose and was just being lazy.

It's solely the behaviour you want to deal with, not the behaviour as a reflection of your daughter's perceived moral failings .

ADHD perhaps. Experienced ADHD parent here. Not laziness, it can cause problems with working memory, executive function and motivation. Not necessarily hyperactivity at all.

Because you decided to have them so suck it up. Kids are probably bitching about how shit their parents are to their friends as well.

You can’t even handle criticism from anonymous strangers on an Internet forum — after asking for their opinion — without lashing out. And we’re supposed to believe you hide your obvious contempt for your daughter?

And so what parenting strategies are you putting in place to parent this child of yours? Or are you just bitching - yes, bitching - about her?

I have no advice but I feel your pain.

DD is only 8 and is the same - zero common sense (I don't expect more from her than what is age appropriate). Her excuses are I didn't hear, you didn't tell me. I couldn't find it, I forgot. In a completely different world and so easily distracted. I mean seconds and she's gone off course.

A part of me feels our world is so fast paced and it has an impact on our children. I don't know about you but I'm forever telling DD to hurry up. We're always rushing about. Obviously your DD is older than mine, but I do feel guilty sometimes and think how lovely it would be to let them 'just be.'

DD doesn't have that much screen time at all.

She's on the list for ADHD/Autism assessment.

Just wanted to hop on as a secondary school teacher in response to this…
We are seeing children in school struggle increasingly when they come to us from primary school. They are coming to us more and more immature each year. You sound like a lot of frustrated parents and I understand that it’s difficult to express what is going on without being attacked for venting.

I think there are a number of issues causing your daughter’s behaviour.

1. Covid - the schooling students missed have led to less time to develop around their peers and mature at the same rate they used to.
2. mobile phone use - this has increased massively and we are seeing children with short attention spans and complete inability to function in the real world because they’re spending so much time online. When I started teaching this was not an issue like it is today.
3. Poor parenting - not saying this is OP but unfortunately parents are forgetting that children are still children at secondary school and expecting them to just transition to being independent whereas at primary the parents are very much hands on. Parents are also not having to spend time with their children as they are on their phones/tablets and aren’t intervening to educate on various things as they crop up.
4. the possibility of ADHD - I think ADHD in girls is missed as it doesn’t present the same way as it does in boys. I would try to follow some of my advice below before seeking a diagnosis as like others have said, the use of technology is causing many developmental delays and issues in young people which can lead to misdiagnosis.

My advice as an educator

1. limit phone use and get rid of the apps/limit time on them that encourage the use of micro content like others have said
2. access your child’s timetable and put this on the wall at home. Use it to help DD plan for the next day each evening
3. gain access to their online platform where homework will be set and monitor it/set up notifications if you can
4. set a regular evening routine for homework to be completed based on this. Sit with them during this time, you don’t have to help them but be present reading a book or something
5. spend time with your DD in other capacities without the phone present get her to help cook or set the table for dinner etc. no phones at the dinner table is a good idea.
6. Be patient with her when asking questions - we call it thinking time in the classroom, we pose a question and give students a minute to think in silence instead of expecting instant answers. This encourages children to come up with the answers themselves instead of us just giving them because we couldn’t be bothered to wait.

good luck and don’t give up on her. The fact that you are asking the question tells me you care about her and want the best for her. Bad parents would just ignore the behaviours she is presenting.

Exactly this. DC2 severely dyslexic and all came out age 11/12. Processing things very difficult and doesn’t want to risk criticism so asks for help all the time. Almost 13 now, change of school and total change in our approach to her and now confidence growing she will try things herself. Good luck it’s very frustrating until you understand their brain literally doesn’t work same way most other people’s do.

I’m sure they are. That’s ok. It’s doesn’t mean they hate me or hold me in contempt…
or are abusive.
Having a moan, especially on somewhere like here where the child will never read it, is actually pretty therapeutic and can help a parent work through the frustrations and find useful solutions.
Do you never get fed up with your children?
All the crappy and annoying things in life, we should just ‘suck it up’?

I second this and also the first poster.

Take a long hard look at yourself, OP.

I was also thinking dyslexia.
Dyslexia and ADHD can be mates...
Can she tell the time? Read a timetable? Manage directions? Process instructions with more than one or two steps?

That’s totally unacceptable. What a horrible bully you are. You should be ashamed.

I agree, having a moan, or even a bitch, about someone or something is very therapeutic.!

This is helpful, thank you

It sounds like inattentive ADHD to me op. My daughter has it and its like every day is a reset on the day before. Don't be so hard on her. I know its exasperating at times but maybe speak to the gp or school to refer for an assessment

Aside from the above (which as I say is really helpful) what do parents of children with ADHD do about it? Genuine question as DD is 10 and a lot of her traits are similar to OP’s child. She’ll be in secondary school in September and just seems worlds apart from where I was at her age when it comes to organising and remembering things.

I’m a single mom, I work full time, not sure how I’m going to be able to micro manage her. Even if she was diagnosed with ADHD (doubtful I feel with the media atm) what good does it do?

ETA: As an example, if she has to remember ANYTHING else like it’s mufti and she needs a donation for the tombola she’ll be excited about that but forget her lunch, without fail 😂. Atm we’ll be getting in the car/halfway down the road and I’ll ask her but I’m worried about what that means when she’s getting herself to secondary school 😢

Read the way OP speaks about her poor daughter, who isn’t doing any of these things on purpose. That’s who should be ashamed. It’s an absolutely horrible way to speak about someone potentially neurodivergent and a truly shitty way to think about a child.

No, YOU should be ashamed. I get the behaviour is frustrating (and yes, it does sound very like ADHD as it comes out in girls - myself included), but her mother is meant to be the adult in the situation. That doesn't mean not getting annoyed or frustrated, but come on, coming onto a public forum making disparaging comments about her child being "useless" etc etc are a disgrace.

Adults who constantly disparage kids like this instead of parenting them and helping them practically develop the skills they're missing damage them for life. For LIFE. Educate yourself, for god's sake. What on earth do people like you think talking to and about your child like this ("useless' "forgets her brain" etc) achieves?

I can tell you it's not going to change her daughter's behaviour. At all. It won't be a laziness or discipline problem, and it's almost certainly not happening on purpose. All she's going to do is make her child feel like shit, embarrassed. have lifelong problems with self esteem and increase conflict in the home now & increase resentment. Great parenting, I'm sure.

Sorry, OP, but you're meant to be the adult here. Sounds to me like you're the one who needs to grow up and learn how to parent like you are that adult, frankly. And like other posters, I don't believe for a second that your daughter doesn't get openly put down by you constantly and hears you sneering at her all the time. There will, you'll find, be consequences for that later in life. For you, your daughter and your relationship.

Exactly. That anyone's actually defending this is grim as.

Yeah, is it "therapeutic" for her daughter to know her mother calls her "useless" all the time, do you think? You can bet she does.

To add to the others that have posted, you have described my DD perfectly except she is a bit younger and doesn’t have social media but instead obsesses over other things like certain tv programmes and sometimes certain toys or video games. She can barely function sometimes but is intelligent. She has ADHD which was diagnosed early this year. I don’t want to condemn what you have written but it makes me a bit sad how you describe your daughter. There are days I want to (and sometimes do) yell at mine because she can’t seem to do the most basic tasks but I just have to remember it’s her brain, not her.

Well, don't know what your family life is or has been, but some adults and teenagers can be well described as useless. More troubling if it's an adult of course. The Op is letting off steam.

Dd is a bit like this. She walks round clueless unless it’s something she’s actually interested in or wants. Luckily she’s quite keen on school so she does ok there at the moment. At home though it’s chaos. Doesn’t know the washing machine from the dryer, hair elastics in the bottom of the shower, doesn’t know how to use a hanger. Miraculously she had worked out how to use the air fryer though and that is because she wants to eat chicken nuggets all the time.