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Original poster

Am I missing something - childcare.

302 replies

Halie · 03/12/2025 14:00

I'm currently on mat leave and thinking about what will happen once mat leave ends.

Initially, I planned to return to my job, but currently I'm struggling with how that would work financially. As well as that, I feel very negatively about putting baby into childcare / nursery aged 1. I know it works for some and that's great but for me it's going completely against my instincts especially with the things I read on the news about nurseries.

If I put my child in nursery it's approx £200 per week locally, so £800 per month. We're a 2 income home, but to simplify it, that leaves me with about £1000 left of my wage. However, if I quit my job I can look after my child myself and according to online calculators I would get approx £900 in universal credit and £100 child benefit.

Am I missing something? Why would I go back to work to pay for a stranger to take care of my child when I can leave, do it myself and have a similar income?

What are other people without a village doing and what led to your decisions?

OP posts:
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Coffeeandbooks88 · 03/12/2025 17:30

The amount of UC you might get won't cover the wage you have lost.

Justcallmedaffodil · 03/12/2025 17:31

Halie · 03/12/2025 14:25

How so in terms of future earnings? I'm on NHS agenda for change so as a qualified staff member my salary is set. I have to maintain my professional registration by doing a certain amount of work over the year (not much). So as long as I maintain it, I don't see how my earnings should be impacted when I return? I'll still have my qualification, registration and experience. I can pay back into my pension once I return as I will pay my usual pension (NHS) and top up my private pension with savings.

If myself and husband both went part time we would not be able to pay our mortgage and bills. He won't quit work - he's currently climbing a professional ladder after an undergraduate and masters and he's very career focused. I'm not. I care more about my child than my career despite having climbed up for years previously and now being the main earner. I cannot imagine handing my baby to a childminder.

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He’s “climbing” a professional ladder on barely more than minimum wage? Confused

dontmalbeconme · 03/12/2025 17:34

VoltaireMittyDream · 03/12/2025 17:23

In my circles I only know of one woman who’s been able to get back into the workplace at anything like her previous level, after taking time off to raise 2 kids to school age. Even then it took a very long job search and lots of rejections and unpaid work in roles she was hugely over qualified for, to get her foot back in the door.

Once you step out of the workforce it is HARD to get back in. Momentum and accumulated experience / contacts often count for more than your qualifications. And as you get older you’re less of an appealing prospect than younger workers who are eager to please and progress, and will work longer hours for less money.

Plus, as happens to many women, while my friend was a SAHM, her partner had got used to her doing all the home and child stuff, and never took any of it back over despite endless discussions and negotiations and arguments (and we’d all really thought he was one of the good ones!).

So she was working 35 hours a week for far less per annum pro rata than she used to make before kids, and doing all the school runs and appointments and cooking and laundry and life admin and kids activities, with nearly a decade’s gap in her pension and NI contributions, and not a whole lot left over to contribute to a private pension from her earnings in her new job.

She was by then well and truly stuck, in her early 40s, having more or less fucked her career, and wildly resentful of her partner on whom she was by then financially dependent. His career came on in leaps and bounds, incidentally, as he was free from any mental load at all, and able to work long hours and travel.

Being a SAHM can create and enhance all sorts of inequities in a relationship and really undermine your autonomy, freedom
and choices.

My other friends who took time out of the workforce intending to go back didn’t manage it until their DC were in secondary school, and even then it was poorly paid part time jobs in schools or shops. These are highly qualified and educated women who had previously been running teams and departments. None of this counted for anything when they were a decade older without recent professional networks and behind on tech skills and developments in the industry.

You learn so much when you’re working that you don’t even realise you’re learning - and you build so much of the foundation of your future career just by being there and interacting with people.

It is risky to quit in more ways than the numbers tell you.

This has been exactly my experience too. High paid, professional woman (including some NHS clinicians) completely unable to get their careers back, ending up in low paid roles, with big gaps in their pensions, and still shouldering the mental load at home.

And their children have suffered, because money is tight, so no expensive extra curriculars, no help with Uni costs, no help with house deposits, whilst families where both parents remained working are heading towards a comfortable retirement, with plenty in the bank to help their kids out.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Antenatal & postnatal Childcare & nursery Families
Shinyandnew1 · 03/12/2025 17:36

But I'm trying to figure out how to keep my baby safe at home with family and how financially I can do that.

If you are the higher earner, wouldn't it make sense for your husband to stay at home with your baby then you are still earning, still paying into your pension, not risking your career and your baby will obviously be safe at home?

If you just quit your job, doesn't Universal Credit sanction you for 3 months anyway?

InfoSecInTheCity · 03/12/2025 17:38

How sure are you that you’d go back in 2 years after experiencing being a SAHM? Bear 8n mind that if anything childcare is harder when they start school than it is now with a 1 yr old so there will be more challenges to getting back into work than just the 2 yr employment gap.

A 1 yr old goes to private nursery which is open 8am to 6pm and in most cases fits around work hours they operate all year and at 1 it’s generally a pretty easy transition.

Schools operate 9-3, so to work you need breakfast and afterschool clubs or childminders which can be limited spaces. Then you have all the holidays to account for which is 13 weeks a year and a child who is not used to childcare and may not transition as easily, plus lots of holiday schemes don’t accept reception year children just yr 1 up.

Its doable, I know because I did it, I returned to work full time when DD was 9 months old, but I wonder if you would want to do it given your current feelings about childcare, which makes me wonder if your long term plan of refurning to work in 2 years is actually realistic.

Jellyjims · 03/12/2025 17:43

I've been a sahm since I had my dcs, but it's not very common where I am, even if it doesn't make sense financially. It's hard work especially if more than one dc, and many friends say it's easier to be at work! A lot of people look down on sahms too and prefer to have the status from work. Generally I am confident enough for that not to matter to me but a lot of women struggle without it.

Rocket1982 · 03/12/2025 17:44

Why would you want to go on benefits if you don't have to? They are not meant to be a choice. You should cost up part time - use your free hours childcare to work and spend a couple of days at home looking after your child, earn your money without relying on benefits.

RaininSummer · 03/12/2025 17:51

Ok to be a full time mum if your family can afford it. Not ok to take the money from the public purse if you could be working.

TheEllisGreyMethod · 03/12/2025 18:03

I work in the NHS, main household earner. DD is 2. Before mat leave I was so set on going back full time, came to it and I couldn't do it. Reduced my hours and do 4 days, it was frankly rough, DD massively struggled in nursery. I temp. Dropped my hours further, DH dropped to 4 days, and we took DD out of nursery. She's 2.5 now and just started 3 days, me and DH both work 4 days. She's much happier. People will say to you want about pensions, it's not your wage etc. but nothing and I mean nothing will give you this time back, 1 is still so little. You do what works for you.

FurForksSake · 03/12/2025 18:13

Yes, 91 day sanction if you resign unless it’s for health or grievance reasons with strong evidence.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 03/12/2025 18:13

Can your role be done in shifts OP and part time?
im an NHS nurse and went back 2 days (24 hours) covering days/nights/weekends. Working around my husbands shifts as we didn’t want our non/per verbal child in a formal child care setting. Mainly due to my job I do see the bad side of things!
i wouldnt give up work completely. The nhs is having major financial troubles with recruitment freezes.

Original poster
Halie · 03/12/2025 18:16

VoltaireMittyDream · 03/12/2025 17:23

In my circles I only know of one woman who’s been able to get back into the workplace at anything like her previous level, after taking time off to raise 2 kids to school age. Even then it took a very long job search and lots of rejections and unpaid work in roles she was hugely over qualified for, to get her foot back in the door.

Once you step out of the workforce it is HARD to get back in. Momentum and accumulated experience / contacts often count for more than your qualifications. And as you get older you’re less of an appealing prospect than younger workers who are eager to please and progress, and will work longer hours for less money.

Plus, as happens to many women, while my friend was a SAHM, her partner had got used to her doing all the home and child stuff, and never took any of it back over despite endless discussions and negotiations and arguments (and we’d all really thought he was one of the good ones!).

So she was working 35 hours a week for far less per annum pro rata than she used to make before kids, and doing all the school runs and appointments and cooking and laundry and life admin and kids activities, with nearly a decade’s gap in her pension and NI contributions, and not a whole lot left over to contribute to a private pension from her earnings in her new job.

She was by then well and truly stuck, in her early 40s, having more or less fucked her career, and wildly resentful of her partner on whom she was by then financially dependent. His career came on in leaps and bounds, incidentally, as he was free from any mental load at all, and able to work long hours and travel.

Being a SAHM can create and enhance all sorts of inequities in a relationship and really undermine your autonomy, freedom
and choices.

My other friends who took time out of the workforce intending to go back didn’t manage it until their DC were in secondary school, and even then it was poorly paid part time jobs in schools or shops. These are highly qualified and educated women who had previously been running teams and departments. None of this counted for anything when they were a decade older without recent professional networks and behind on tech skills and developments in the industry.

You learn so much when you’re working that you don’t even realise you’re learning - and you build so much of the foundation of your future career just by being there and interacting with people.

It is risky to quit in more ways than the numbers tell you.

This is a really nuanced response, thank you. I'd like to work 2-3 days a week but it depends if my work will allow it. I know they are rejecting a lot of flexible working requests currently. But if I could reduce my hours until LO starts school, I would still have my own money, independence, pension, potential to increase my hours in future / do my Masters.

OP posts:
Coffeeandbooks88 · 03/12/2025 18:16

FurForksSake · 03/12/2025 18:13

Yes, 91 day sanction if you resign unless it’s for health or grievance reasons with strong evidence.

She won't be sanctioned. I do think she is in for a shock about little UC she will get though.

NuffSaidSam · 03/12/2025 18:37

Halie · 03/12/2025 16:58

The hostility, assumptions, sarcasm and animosity - so indicative of today's society and how nasty it is becoming. I asked for help / advice and mostly got attacked.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c2k4qd8q97eo

THIS and many more recent stories I have seen on the local and national news are sending me into an absolute spiral with anxiety. I'm 12 weeks postpartum and I don't want my baby with people who could be monsters.

I'd like to retain my career for the sake of my child but I don't want my child coming to harm just because I'm too concerned about a pension I might never see or a job I could be made redundant from or my pride. I don't care about any of that. I want my baby safe.

Of course I don't want to be on benefits and lose my career, I'm not stupid. But I'm trying to figure out how to keep my baby safe at home with family and how financially I can do that.

I thought people might be able to offer a helpful perspective.

The solution is for your DP to stay at home and you continue to work and you support yourselves financially.

I think you're absolutely reasonable to not want to send your child to a nursery.

It's not reasonable to ask the tax payer to fund your choice to be a SAHM though. That's not what benefits are for.

If your DP can't/won't take the time out to care for your child and also can't support your family financially then you need to look at alternative childcare provision (childminder or nanny). Choosing to live on benefits because it's your preference for the state to support you rather than going to work is morally repugnant.

Shinyandnew1 · 03/12/2025 18:38

The solution is for your DP to stay at home and you continue to work and you support yourselves financially.

This.

Loads of replies have suggested it but I haven't seen the OP respond yet to any of them.

TheListeningMouse · 03/12/2025 18:42

Have I understood right that the so called benefits lifestyle choice IS real and the OP could simply choose not to work and will receive UC in the circumstances she outlines? Without any need to look for work or whatever? Indefinitely? I was someone who didn’t believe this stuff really happened but this thread had opened my eyes.

TutTutTutSigh · 03/12/2025 18:44

Are the figures in your op correct? You earn £1800 and childcare is £800? That's around 26k per year gross or around minimum wage but you say your the higher earner and your dp is on minimum wage?

youalright · 03/12/2025 18:47

Universal credit isn't like it use to be they won't leave you alone like they use to they will be expecting you to be looking for work and showing them proof you are, they will be in your bank accounts you can't have savings above 6k. You will have regular meetings

FurForksSake · 03/12/2025 18:54

Expectations to be trying to get work don’t fully kick in until the child reaches specific ages.

Am I missing something - childcare.
youalright · 03/12/2025 19:00

Also be mindful you will likely be sanctioned for the first 12 weeks from universal credit for quitting your job.

DemonsandMosquitoes · 03/12/2025 19:01

I went back to work pt at four and five months each time. I didn’t need to financially, but I did it for my mental health. It preserved my sanity, my skills and the power balance in our marriage. Nursery cost us the equivalent of my whole salary for over two years, but 23 years on I still think it was my single best parenting decision. Kids were fine and I’m retiring next year at 55.
If you choose to be a SAHM, make sure your husband is paying into a pension for you. Think long term. Never a single regret.

RaininSummer · 03/12/2025 19:08

youalright · 03/12/2025 18:47

Universal credit isn't like it use to be they won't leave you alone like they use to they will be expecting you to be looking for work and showing them proof you are, they will be in your bank accounts you can't have savings above 6k. You will have regular meetings

Actually they won't if the child is under three years old. And you can have up to sixteen k in savings.

WishfulThinkingToday · 03/12/2025 19:14

Hi OP,

I am a SAHP at the moment myself, and I don’t regret it - but then my DH earns enough to support us both. We both understand it is temporary, and we agreed that I will go back to work when she is 3. I worked hard to decide what to do, and in my case it is easier because I am the one with the small pay-check, and putting her in daycare would cost more than I earn anyway.

I found this article when I was looking at the differences between children in childcare and children who are at home… this is a very interesting article by the National Library of Medicine;

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3810998/

Does your DH have flexible work? Is it possible for him to look after the baby for a morning or two/three and for you to go back to work part-time? That way there is less of a need for nursery fees and your DH can be more hands-on. Also maybe ask for help from family? At least there would be people you can 100% trust with your child. We did this for a while, until my DH’s work was less flexible and we had to stop.

I even read about people getting together with friends or family and looking after each other’s children, so working one half of the week while another works the other half. I always thought this was a brilliant idea but never had the chance. I even read somewhere of five women getting together to look after each other’s children, dropping one day each from work - I thought that was amazing.

Anyway, as people said - this is completely your choice. It is such a personal choice and there is no right or wrong answer to this.

Beyond an “Either-Or” Approach to Home- and Center-Based Child Care: Comparing Children and Families who Combine Care Types with Those Who Use Just One - PMC

Most research focuses on preschoolers’ primary non-parental child care arrangement despite evidence that multiple arrangements are relatively common. Using the nationally-representative Early Childhood Longitudinal Study, Birth Cohort, we compare ...

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3810998/

youalright · 03/12/2025 19:22

RaininSummer · 03/12/2025 19:08

Actually they won't if the child is under three years old. And you can have up to sixteen k in savings.

Edited
Show quote history

6k it starts reducing, 16k it stops. You will have to start attending preparing for work meetings as soon as the child turns 12 months. They will likely need savings as she will likely be sanctioned for the first 12 weeks.

jenniefromtheblock2 · 03/12/2025 19:26

I never went back to work after maternity leave, but we saved for years beforehand and can cope on one wage. We don't claim any benefits. I think its' a bit of a cheek your considering going on benefits when you don't need too because you are nervous to send your child to nursery. What if everyone did that?

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