Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

But it isn't, is it? The lad's father has made it between himself and this girl by taking her into his home.

If the baby isn't his son's, or is quickly adopted and contact is denied, this is going to be one hell of a mess of the father's own making.

Making sure with social services that she had a roof over her head and giving her stuff for the baby is one thing. Making that roof your own and your son's without even being sure that the baby is his is quite another.

At what point is this girl going to move out?

It’s really not up to OP though is it ? If they are trying to get their son to face up to his responsibilities, the least they could do for him is to establish that those responsibilities are actually his. The longer this situation carries on, the harder it’s going to be for them to disentangle themselves if the son is not the father. Where does that leave the girl ?

Your summary is too black and white- you're writing this purely from an emotional standpoint, without looking at the grey areas in between.

@TheSnowiestQueen I write from an emotional standpoint because we are discussing an extremely emotive subject, and I'm a heart-led person. It has served me well in life so far so I'm not about to change 🥰

You can tell you come from an emotional standpoint because you've took that posters words as a personal dig instead of understanding that shes pointing out there's more to this story than meets the eye 🤦‍♀️

No offence but it hasn't served you that well in life if this Is the sort of mistake your making when people are trying to have a discussion.

Sometimes a cooler head and looking at circumstances with some perspective is more helpful than an emotional reaction , which doesn't consider all the aspects of the situation. It's not a virtue to always react with your heart- the head is incredibly useful too.

Did you end up getting a DNA test done? Updated me!

What ended up happening?

This thread is less than a week old, I doubt things have moved on much.

These parents are failing their son in egregious ways. No one should be forced into parenthood. Just because this young woman claims their son is the father of the unborn child is not proof he is the father of the child. If she had unprotected sex with their son so quickly, she’s likely had unprotected sex with multiple unsuspecting other young men. They should not expect their son to take responsibility for a child that he does not have concrete proof he fathered and did not consent to fathering. Men are entitled to the same reproductive rights as women & these parents, along with the mother-to-be, are infringing on those rights. Consenting to consensual sex is not the same as consenting to conceiving a human-being. That’s one of the reasons abortion laws exist.

Please, be aware 1/3 of paternity tests come back to exclude the alleged-father. If this young man wants to learn if he is indeed the father, I recommend getting at least 3 credible postnatal dna parentage tests from 3 separate providers which includes dna samples from the mother, child, and alleged-father. If paternity is confirmed, he can determine his next steps. In most western countries, this young man would not even be considered a ‘presumed father’ and would have no obligations to the child. As things currently stand, this young man has zero responsibility to the young woman or unborn child.

The young woman has chosen this pregnancy & to bring a human-being into the world therefore, she needs to be prepared to take full responsibility for her choice and the child. It’s not a good sign that she’s playing the victim to manipulate others into ‘doing the right thing by her’ & helping her out. It is abundantly clear that this young woman is using an innocent child as mechanism to the proverbial ‘better life’. That in itself is disgraceful & shows just how selfish she is & will always be. This young woman is going to use the ‘bad childhood’ card to excuse every bad choice she makes for the rest of her live, as long as, people keep placating & enabling her to do so. That’s a cycle these parents should not want anything to do with. The fact that they do is concerning.

If they want to help a pregnant young woman out, that’s their prerogative but, they should not guilt, shame, or emotionally abuse their son into doing the same. He has trouble looking at/interacting with this young woman because she has betrayed/violated is reproductive autonomy.

These parents have a responsibility to protect their son’s rights & they are failing to do that.

As for the son, the best thing that could happen to him is being forced out of his family by so called ‘tough love’.

Walk away young man. Your parents do not have your best interests at heart & they never have. It’s all about them. Free yourself and create the life you want for yourself. Not one that other people are forcing upon you. It is your fundamental human right to do so.

Good Grief. I posted a very similar post and it was deleted. Let's see what the fluffy bunnies do this time.
For what it's worth, I agree with you

Very good post, JLS.

Several things said makes me think the son is on the autism spectrum most likely high functioning and the girl might be taking advantage of his nice parents to see how far they will help her but I could be totally wrong of course. Parernity test required

Just make sure the child she is carrying is your grandchild. Maybe your son is being reluctant because he is not sure if the child is his. Get a DNA test, before you invest into this big life change. If it is your grandchild spoil the little one and take care of their mother as you see fit. Good luck and truly God Bless you and your wife with the decision you make.

It was written in February of this year.

Sorry but seen a very similar situation with my cousin hubby and her oldest recently, girl in care quick fling 4 months later she appeared again pregnant..dates matched, she then tried to get moved into family home claiming sons child...cousin and hubby kept a communicative relationship and explained they would help with clothing etc newborn things but until a DNA was taken she would not be allowed into the family home. At first girl refused then after baby was born decided she would allow it and it turned out the baby was not my cousin's son in any shape or form...tho the son in this case was happy to go along with it just not being gf or bf but turns out he didn't need to do anything anyhow and girl had lied and slept with other people

I think your desire and excitement to have a grand baby is clouding your judgement.
Firstly you need to wise up a bit. This girl, unprotected from pregnancy and sTDs had sex with a stranger she had just met. Do you really think your son will be the only one? What is her motivation in all this? You are inviting someone you know absolutely nothing about into your house and onto yourvson. There is probablyb a very good reason why he didnt want to pursue a relationship with her.
Secondly, and i cannot stress this enough,IT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS!! Your son is an adult, he gets to play this situation the way HE wants. You need to respect his his rights, you have massively overstepped , how dare you get involved in his relationships like this!

@R2D2M2T2

HOW have you come to the conclusion that op’s son is autistic??

What are you on about? First post is 1/12/25. That's how we write 1 December in the UK. Even if you read it the American way that would be 12 January, not February.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

His reproductive autonomy? Consenting to conceiving a human being? He lost the first and did the second when he chose to ejaculate into a fertile woman.

@Imdunfer

but fertile women don’t lose their reproductive and bodily autonomy and automatically consent to conceiving a human being when they let a fertile man ejaculate into them, do they?

No, but at that point it is no longer the choice of the man who willingly put live sperm into them what happens. If he doesn't want to face the possibility of having a child he should not knowingly risk impregnating a woman.

I'm wondering what anyone banging on about male autonomy thinks is the alternative. Are you seriously suggesting that a man should be able to legally demand that a woman carrying his baby aborts it?

I was looking at his mini update. Which was posted in February. I only responded on the date because you had claimed the post was written last week. Please stop replying to my comments. I only want an update from OP.

she’s likely had unprotected sex with multiple unsuspecting other young men

Pretty sure the OP’s son consented to the sex?

The rest of your post is equally overwrought - nothing has been said by OP that indicates ages the girl has portrayed herself as a victim.