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Original poster

Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

606 replies

WillfredJohn · 01/12/2025 00:45

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

OP posts:
XDownwiththissortofthingX · 01/12/2025 03:37

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 01/12/2025 03:17

Is your son sure that the child is his?
Has he had a maternity test.?

Generally speaking, with most babies there isn't enough doubt over who the mother is to warrant a Maternity test.

ladycardamom · 01/12/2025 03:40

There is no way I would be so invested as to be having major altercations with my son or inviting the mum to stay at this stage. Insist on a DNA test when baby is born then make a relationship as a granparent and provide baby sitting etc. Support your son into his role as a father don't scold and shame him into it.

WillieFIrwin · 01/12/2025 03:44

WillfredJohn · 01/12/2025 00:45

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

At 19 he’s still very young, and a lot of this sounds like pure fear and avoidance rather than lack of care. You can’t force him into emotional maturity, and pushing harder usually just makes someone dig their heels in. The reality is that the baby is coming whether he engages or not, and he will have to step up eventually, but right now he’s clinging to his normal life because the alternative feels huge and terrifying. That doesn’t excuse his behaviour, especially if you and your wife are effectively carrying the load, but it does explain it. I’d stop trying to drag him into it and make it clear that you’re supporting the mother because it’s the right thing to do, not to rescue him. Let him know the door is open, but don’t shield him from the practical consequences if he continues to sit it out. I’m still not sure how he thinks this is going to work in two months’ time though, because pretending it’s not happening won’t make him any less responsible.

NewUserName2244 · 01/12/2025 04:07

I would leave off pushing your son until after the baby is born and you have a dna test. That way there is no confusion.

I also agree with pp that getting mum to be set up in her own place before the baby is born should be a focus here. It is incredibly difficult to parent if you haven’t been parented yourself, and so keeping her in all of the social services systems will allow her the help she will need.

Once the baby is born, I would have a conversation with your son about your place in his life. What it felt like when he was newborn, what you did to support his mum, what it felt like the first time you looked after him. Bring honest about what was hard and what was lovely and all the bits in between. Ask him about his memories of you through childhood, family traditions, what his experiences were and how that made him who he was today.

And then ask, not tell, him what he wants his son to feel and remember and think when he is adult. And let him think about that for a bit.

I think that you and your wife are doing a great thing building a relationship with baby’s mum. And that you should continue to support her and the baby as grandparents and build a relationship with baby that is distinct from your son’s relationship with baby.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 01/12/2025 04:15

What are you going to do if this baby turns out not to be your son's now you have bonded with this girl and moved her into your house? How will you ever fix things with your DS?

It's a shame you can't get a DNA test before the baby is here. He doesn't know this girl and only has her word that the baby is his, it's fair enough he isn't getting involved yet. I would be disappointed if he rejected the child once it is born and proven to be his.

Toddlerteaplease · 01/12/2025 04:15

Definitely get a DNA test.

stillavid · 01/12/2025 04:19

Golly, I feel sorry for your son to be honest. He is still very young and clearly not ready to be a father.

Agree that you should be encouraging the girl's support worker to help with housing etc.

You can be supportive but to have moved the girl in seems crazy to me.

I know he should have worn a condom but mistakes happen.

lxn889121 · 01/12/2025 04:29

Honestly, in your shoes - I would just lead by example.

I don't think you can "force" a 19 year old to be a good dad, by talks/arguments. You can hope he will be, but if he isn't accepting the situation, then that won't really work.

What you can do is control your own actions. I think you guys are doing a great and perfect job in supporting the mother. She will need a lot of support, and this is your grandchild, forgetting your son's connection, its your family, so showing the mother that you will support your grandchild regardless of your son, is a good thing.

By doing this you ensure your grandchild will have a good start to life, and you demonstrate to your son how families should act. If he is a decent lad, he will get involved. Your keeping supporting the baby keeps it present in his life, and means he can't pretend it doesn't exist. It may take a lot of time, but that gives him room to slowly get used to and accept the situation.

That said, this is a huge selfless ask, and one many parents would struggle to do.

HelmholtzWatson · 01/12/2025 04:36

Most 19yos can't even look after themselves, never kind someone else, never mind a baby.

He's an adult. if he's not interested in playing dad, you can't make him. Maybe he will come around one day, maybe he won't. it's his choice.

and yeah, DNA test.

McSpoot · 01/12/2025 04:39

Agreed that a DNA test is a good idea - I thought that there were noninvasive versions that you could do before birth. If so, that seems like a good idea in this situation before you, potentially, get too attached.

springintoaction2 · 01/12/2025 04:50

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/12/2025 01:27

I'd be so disappointed in my son in this circumstance. In fact, I'd probably ask him to move out and ask the young woman to move in, that way, you can be there to support her and the baby.

Really?

I wouldn't. No way.

No DNA test yet?

He's 19 and had consensual sex - why is it all on him to take an interest etc.?

They weren't planning on having a baby when they were having a one night stand.

It's sad that the girl is in care, but how stupid to say you'd kick your own son out to take her in. FFS

On every other thread on Mumsnet people are working how to send their 19 year old to the very best university - but because this lad has been irresponsible for one night he gets chucked out of his home. And questions of 'has he got a job'? etc to pay child maintenance.

Mothership4two · 01/12/2025 04:50

Ask for a DNA test before his name goes on the birth certificate.

My friend's OH was in exactly this position when she met him. Met a girl at a party, had sex once, then she became pregnant. He was in his early 20s and he, and his family, were accepting and supportive. My friend queried that he was 100% sure it was his and obviously he couldn't be. Once the baby was born the mother had no issue of them having a DNA test and it came back negative. It was upsetting and painful, but not a fracton of how much it would have been if it had taken years for it to have come out.

Minjou · 01/12/2025 05:12

If she's IN care rather than a care leaver then shes under 18, and OP has invited a child to live with them 🤨
No info on whether the son has a job or is in education or any thought for his feelings.

Really hoping this is made up tbh, because if it's real......

Pollyanna87 · 01/12/2025 05:23

How old is she?

Snowcat5 · 01/12/2025 05:24

Have you thought about this long term ...
You are offering a huge amount of support to this girl , against what your son wants ..alienating him in the process..

She is going to come to rely on you , possibly turn to you for comfort.,,....

What happens when the baby comes ..is she going to live with you ?
Has she kept her flat after coming out of care ?? .

The best way to help this girl is to help her be independent

Your making her dependent on you ...and unless you are going to offer her a long term home with you ,..I think you are not being fair to her

At some point you will expect her to move out and stand on her own to feet ..so that is what you need to work towards now .
You are probably the first person to show her any kindness ,so when you do withdraw your support,she's going to back at square one , someone else letting her down.
She has social workers who would of done all that you are doing ..but also helped her make the right decision for her regarding the pregnancy

Arghhhhggggggggggg · 01/12/2025 05:25

Minjou · 01/12/2025 05:12

If she's IN care rather than a care leaver then shes under 18, and OP has invited a child to live with them 🤨
No info on whether the son has a job or is in education or any thought for his feelings.

Really hoping this is made up tbh, because if it's real......

I think it is made up because there's absolutely no way her support worker and social worker would accept her moving in with a strange family she doesn't know after having a one night stand with their son. It's really bizarre.

As a care leaver who is pregnant she would be top priority for her own home too.

There's absolutely no mention in the OP about her social worker or support worker either and they would 100% be involved with a 17 or 18 year old pregnant vulnerable girl

Somthings not right about this post. It's either made up or the OP Is actually some sort of predator. Why arnt they encouraging her to receive the right support off her support worker and social worker? Somthings amiss here

AstarionsDarkUrge · 01/12/2025 05:25

How old is she? If she’s in care then she’s a minor. Also is she in residential care or with a foster family?

Arghhhhggggggggggg · 01/12/2025 05:26

Snowcat5 · 01/12/2025 05:24

Have you thought about this long term ...
You are offering a huge amount of support to this girl , against what your son wants ..alienating him in the process..

She is going to come to rely on you , possibly turn to you for comfort.,,....

What happens when the baby comes ..is she going to live with you ?
Has she kept her flat after coming out of care ?? .

The best way to help this girl is to help her be independent

Your making her dependent on you ...and unless you are going to offer her a long term home with you ,..I think you are not being fair to her

At some point you will expect her to move out and stand on her own to feet ..so that is what you need to work towards now .
You are probably the first person to show her any kindness ,so when you do withdraw your support,she's going to back at square one , someone else letting her down.
She has social workers who would of done all that you are doing ..but also helped her make the right decision for her regarding the pregnancy

This with bells on. Where are her social worker and supportive worker and why hasn't OP mentioned them at all? Somthings not right here

mumtoone2025 · 01/12/2025 05:29

ladycardamom · 01/12/2025 03:40

There is no way I would be so invested as to be having major altercations with my son or inviting the mum to stay at this stage. Insist on a DNA test when baby is born then make a relationship as a granparent and provide baby sitting etc. Support your son into his role as a father don't scold and shame him into it.

DNA tests can be done before baby is born, can easily be done at this stage of pregnancy.

Francestein · 01/12/2025 05:36

I agree with above poster. You need a DNA test before you become this attached. Yes, the mother has been in care and has had a shit hand dealt to her, but you have no evidence that this is actually your grandchild.

RapunzelHadExtensions · 01/12/2025 05:50

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 01/12/2025 03:37

Generally speaking, with most babies there isn't enough doubt over who the mother is to warrant a Maternity test.

Show quote history

😂

Arghhhhggggggggggg · 01/12/2025 05:53

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 01/12/2025 03:37

Generally speaking, with most babies there isn't enough doubt over who the mother is to warrant a Maternity test.

Show quote history

It's comments like this that made me wish they still had the laughing emoji. This was very funny

BatshitOutofHell · 01/12/2025 06:11

QPZM · 01/12/2025 00:53

How do I get him to take an interest?

Well I'd stop putting his girlfriend down and I'd probably help to set her up with her own place to live, which her care providers should be doing at this point anyway.

How are they putting the girlfriend down?

sashh · 01/12/2025 06:16

McSpoot · 01/12/2025 04:39

Agreed that a DNA test is a good idea - I thought that there were noninvasive versions that you could do before birth. If so, that seems like a good idea in this situation before you, potentially, get too attached.

No there isn't, you need bodily fluid from the baby, the only way to do that before birth is with a big needle and risking the baby's life.

OP your son needs to start saving for a DNA test.

McSpoot · 01/12/2025 06:21

sashh · 01/12/2025 06:16

No there isn't, you need bodily fluid from the baby, the only way to do that before birth is with a big needle and risking the baby's life.

OP your son needs to start saving for a DNA test.

Show quote history

Actually, yes, there is a non-invasive version. It can be done through a blood test (mother's blood).

Non-Invasive Paternity Test | DNA Paternity Test

Non-invasive prenatal paternity tests | DNA Diagnostic Services | UK

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