Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

Heaven forbid the man should face some consequences for having unprotected sex!

I feel like I’ve missed something
a vulnerable woman (child?) is pregnant and virtually alone in the world while dealing with some fairly major health issues. It’s no good saying the services are there for her because we all know the state of them. Ops son has gotten her pregnant it seems, and assuming that is the case then he is 50% responsible for the child and ideally would also be supporting the woman who is currently facing the consequences of both of their actions.

offering support to this woman(child?!) as the mother of their grandchild is in the best interests of the child and of ops son in the long run. Perhaps op hasn’t handled it exactly right but I’m missing why he’s being told he has a saviour complex. I actually don’t think op has handled it too badly though, there’s not an easy way to navigate this.
I’ve found it very alarming the people that so angrily demand op put the sons previous wishes to avoid facing the consequences of his actions, above the best interests of the innocent child here. I suppose that part way explains why (many) men are the way they are though.

op good luck to you all, I hope it all turns out well, sounds like they have a better chance than many with you and your wife as a support system

You’ve missed the fact that the girl is still in care and still the responsibility of the LA. She has a place in sheltered accommodation and a social worker. There was no need for OP to take over and bring her into his sons’ home. You’ve missed the fact that there is no relationship here - it was a one night stand to which they both consented, and both were equally responsible for ensuring it didn’t result in an unwanted pregnancy. And you also missed that there isn’t a shred of proof that OP’s son is the father - OP is quite happy to accept her word as proof positive and has no intention of seeking proper DNA evidence.. He’s prioritising a stranger over his son, he’s well on the way to alienating him and if it turns out he’s not the father, the relationship will be irretrievable.

That’s not the issue. He’s being bulldozed into accepting responsibility for a pregnancy resulting from a one night stand, without a shred of evidence that the baby is actually his. Yes he should face the consequences if he is the father, but at this point that’s an assumption. I don’t know of any other parents who would blithely accept this and take on responsibility for the girl when it’s clear how distressing it is for their son. The girl has a social worker and a place in sheltered accommodation. There is absolutely no need for OP to assume this amount of responsibility.

Leaving aside the rights and wrongs of the OP’s actions, why have so many PPs assumed paternity is in doubt? The son has hardly shown himself to be an enthusiastic prospect, and he would the girl bother pretending?

I don’t think I did, I think I addressed all the points you’ve raised.
the services are not perfect and are lacking in many ways, certainly they do not provide emotional support to a young pregnant and ill woman.
i don’t know that it’s relevant that they were both responsible for the one night stand. She seems to be dealing with the consequences whilst ops son was not.
and I didn’t miss that there’s ’not a shred of proof’ I said ‘assuming it’s true’ and ‘seems to have gotten her pregnant’ these things imply I’m aware of that situation. Should all women be considered liars and not supported through pregnancy? Or just the ones in care?

so I guess in answer to my question I haven’t missed anything, I just feel there’s more nuance to the situation than some pp do

“My guess is he's bulldozed his son into accepting some responsibility and to get his Dad off his back, he's agreed to 'have some involvement'. “

”His father …… has spent the last 7 months 'supporting' a girl who the son does not want to see or have a relationship with”

Good. Far too many men impregnate women and the stroll off without any consequences. Both these (young) people had unprotected sex, both of them are now going to be parents, not just her, him too. Being irresponsible has caused the issue, they now have to step up and be responsible adults. The boy may not want a ‘relationship’ with this girl, but she is going to be the mother of his child, they are now connected for the rest of their lives.

There seems to be two different types of people on this thread; those who believe the pregnant woman and agree with the soon-to-be-grandparents supporting her, and those who don't believe the pregnant woman and think she deserves no support from anyone outside of the (frankly inadequate) government-funded social care employees until the baby is born and a DNA test has been done.

I know which camp I'm in...but then my life has been positively impacted by people who have trusted me and treated me with kindness and respect, like family, despite not sharing a shred of DNA.

I don't think most of the cautionary posters don't believe her, but there is room for doubt. It is pointless of the OP to just take her word and carry on regardless. The baby might not be the sons. Having a DNA test is a priority before moving forward and becoming more enmeshed in her/their lives.

I knew someone who was in an almost identical scenario (as I mentioned upthread) and, because one person came into the potental father's life and queried paternity, they did a DNA test which came back negative. Turns out she knew it was 50/50 as she had slept with someone else during the same week.

Support?

@Mothership4two "It is pointless of the OP to just take her word and carry on regardless."

Pointless? Pointless? Pointless to help and support a vulnerable, pregnant, sick, teenager who doesn't have any family. Wow.

I am also frustrated with those who aren't acknowledging that OP has replied to say he and his son are talking things through, spending time together, that the son is getting help and support from his parents and agreed to therapy too etc You seem to think that the son's parents have decided to stop loving and helping their adult child, and help the pregnant young woman instead. That is not what has happened. People are capable of doing both at the same time 🙄

Pointless? Pointless? Pointless to help and support a vulnerable, pregnant, sick, teenager who doesn't have any family. Wow.

So if the DNA test is negative you think they would carry on having a relationship with what is basically a stranger who had sex with their son 7 months ago? If the OP decides to continue to a relationship with her that's up to him but it would be a tad unusual if there is no biological connection especially under the circumstances. And my comment was made in that context. Paternity needs to be established asap as has been said several times on this thread.

You seem to think that the son's parents have decided to stop loving and helping their adult child, and help the pregnant young woman instead.

Please point out where I have said that

A tad unusual but not unheard of. Strangers become friends and help each other every day all over the world. It's only on mumsnet that people seem to be cold-hearted, mean, robotic, cruel etc.

The last paragraph wasn't aimed at any one poster in particular, so you can untangle your knickers.

Yes v v occasionally that happens. But usually these things are based on something eg faith etc. The offer of help has been extended on the basis that the woman is carrying the OPs grandchild if the baby she is pregnant turns out not to be the OPs grandchild the basis on which the relationship was formed is no longer there. Paternity should have been established a long time ago

Sure, how often have you come across it when paternity was claimed and found not to be the case? It's not robotic or cruel, it's living in the real world.

The last paragraph wasn't aimed at any one poster in particular, so you can untangle your knickers.

Then you shouldn't have put "you seem..." in your response to me then, should you? My knickers are wrinkle free BTW, as my comments show. Yours however? Very dramatic responses about someone you don't know and have never met.

You do know you don't have to be a twat to posters who don't agree with you don't you? We're allowed to have different opinions.

The son was already getting therapy for a different issue.

This. The OP hasn’t stopped to consider the irreparable damage that will be done to his relationship with his son, should it turn out that he is not the father. He also hasn’t considered what happens to the girl in those circumstances. The end game seems to be to force his son to step up, with absolutely no attempt to establish whether he is actually responsible. It’s interesting that in the OP he describes his son as having lived a charmed life, and yet in an update reveals he’s seeking therapy for several other issues he’s working through.

Replied upthread but posted too soon and can’t edit. OP’s son has asked for therapy for different issues and OP has indeed confirmed that they are talking things through.

He’s also admitted that his actions may have added to his sons’ stress, which certainly sounds like there are a few existing issues, but despite lots of detail around the girl’s circumstances, he doesn’t elaborate further on what those issues are. So I’m inclined to take his statement in the OP that his son has led a ‘charmed life’ with a pinch of salt.

I think the ‘paternal instinct’ to which the OP admits has made him lose perspective. He admits that the girl has asked him for nothing and appears self reliant, and yet he’s set about pushing back the support this girl does have from the authorities responsible for her, and has effectively made her reliant on the support the family is providing - even suggesting that he wants her to move closer to the family when she is given longer term housing from the LA. It’s hard to know how he imagines this scenario will play out, given that there is still no evidence to prove his son is the father of her child, or that he wants to engage in any sort of relationship with her outside of financial responsibility.

And apparently only on MN is it considered reasonable to assume that a girl who turns up after a ONS saying your son is the father of her unborn child is telling the truth, and without a shred of proof, welcome her into the family with open arms, and proceed to use the situation to teach your son that having unprotected sex is irresponsible.

Well done to you, you’re going to be fantastic grandparents. Perhaps you can help her to apply for child maintenance and help out practically with childcare once the baby is born? Also, keep talking to your son and try to get him to step up. Yes, it’s scary but if he was happy to have unprotected sex then he should have been aware of the potential consequences 🤷‍♀️

So no thoughts as to whether they should actually confirm the baby is his before asking him to face the consequences then ?

Post six on this thread and many, many after have raised the DNA test question .
OP doesn't feel he can pursue this at the moment for some reason.

Sure, but that’s immediately assuming there’s more than one paternal option. Even if there is, surely logic would dictate starting with the likely father first? And in this case, he’s a long way from supportive.

Perhaps because, quite rightly, he sees this as a matter between his son and the young woman concerned? It would be weird as fuck if he started demanding one.

Yet he’s telling his son to be responsible, step up and invited the pregnant woman as a new family member in many ways.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to help her, but it seems odd to me to immerse yourself in such a personal way (as opposed to helping with strictly pregnancy things like lifts to hospital) and not know if the grandchild is yours.

The young woman should feel no issue having a DNA test if she in fact only slept with the son. The fact this can’t be broached seems odd and suspicious. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the son to ask for a DNA test at all considering there was no prior relationship.