Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

@WillfredJohn reported residential unit staff AWOL to extend he had to intervene. He spoke of the inadequacies of state care and absent staff. If he believed the staff were AWOL and unavailable yes he should have raised it. He intervened directly

I understand how Residential units work. I’m noting the staff AWOL and state care suboptimal comment by op

I think it is true but @WillfredJohn does ask for help with a lot of emotional challenges. This is why I think he would benefit from counselling both with the current situation but also with decision-making about situations where he doesn't feel confident about his feelings and behaviour.

I'm not surprised he has disappeared considering the tonal shift of the thread after he reveal he is a man; I think most here assumed he was a woman after reading the OP.

and that's fine. They have both made their choices and they will both have to live with them.

My answers are the same irrespective of gender, it’s all unboundaried saviour complex and with no confirmed paternity. Confirm paternity,then make plans and plan how to be involved with pg woman consent

Same. 3rd comment in i said somthing wasn't right. I went from saying somthing is wrong with this person to somthing is wrong with this man 🤷‍♀️

He did disappear once the praise dried up and people cottoned on to what he was doing

I dont see why he needs to engage with this girl. She chose to continue with the pregnancy. Of course he will need to fulfill his legal obligations as regards maintenance but I dont see why she should be moving into the family home. That was a mistake and no wonder it has caused your DS distress. He should also arrange for a DNA test.

She hasn’t moved in, she stayed while she was ill.
‘Play in the rain, get wet’ is just shorthand for consequences. Jump in a puddle without your wellies on, stick your hand in a fire, get burned. I’m not sure why that’s an awful thing to say. My comment was pointing out that the baby wasn’t a punishment, the girl isn’t keeping it to punish him and she didn’t get pregnant to punish him. The pregnancy is just a consequence of having sex. Not divine judgement.

Is the mum to be absolutely gods-honest-truth certain that he's the father?

You've become very enmeshed in her life and situation, purely based on her word.

I'd be insisting on a DNA test as soon as possible after the baby is born.

I’m sorry, the social worker said not to approach it as a topic? Does the SW not have the best interests of a child at heart? What an utterly stupid suggestion. I understand now why we have such a poor state of affairs in some parts of society.

He's chosen a blokes name to post under and mentioned his wife, so I doubt most people thought that at all.

Plus he's not new to Mumsnet.

It's bad isn't it? I'm working in Brum atm and the homeless situation is pretty bad here. You sometimes wonder how many of them were like this boy but just didn't manage to sort themselves out/didn't get the necessary support in time.

No one has said the girl did this to punish him,

But I bet in a 19 year old boys eyes it is a punishment for having sex ( not from anyone, just as a repurcussion ) He had sex and now has a baby on the way that he didn't want, imagine the impact on his mental health, future relationships, his future finances ect. On top of that his own parents havnt been supporting him emotionally.

if I was a 19 year old boy I would 100% feel like this situation was a punishment ( again, not from anyone, just in general ) for having sex.

Hopefully it's a lesson to him to make sure he / future sexual partners are both using some sort of protection

The person I originally replied to said something like, ‘no one should have to have a baby as punishment/a baby shouldn’t be someone’s punishment.’

I pointed out it wasn’t. It was a consequence.

On the DNA side of things, I had considered it but when she went for one of her scans, the conception date was given as that specific week she met my son - as my son opened up to me that they’d had roughly a week of meeting up following on from the initial ONS before going their separate ways. Not conclusive but that's all I know at the moment.

In my friend's virtually identical scenario (which I commented about upthread), the young mother slept with another man the same week but, for some reason, thought it was my friends (it wasn't). For all they know she may have approached the other man also.

DNA is the only way to prove one way or the other. You and your wife already sound emotionally invested.

All those saying "what if the baby isn't your grandchild?". Well, then, you've still supported a vulnerable, sick, pregnant teenager when she needed it most.

I would never regret that.

If I hadn't helped the vulnerable, sick (to the point of hospitalisation), teenage mother of my grandchild, especially when she didn't have anyone else to support her, then I'd feel fucking awful for the rest of my life.

I would always offer kindness, love and support to those who need it, when they need it, dna test or no dna test. It's how I was raised and how I'm raising my children.

I wish you and your family well on this complex journey @WillfredJohn

It’s absolute bollocks that this girl doesn’t need help because she’s in LA care. The situation is pretty dire and has been for years.
If you fail with your baby, you get a parent and baby fostering place.
For a pregnant 19yr old with severe sickness, there won’t be much tlc. At best she’ll have friends who will rally round, but again that’s effectively children helping children.

No they are not, they’re behaving admirably in accepting that men have responsibility for their dicks and where they shove them. If men have sex they have to accept the possibility of pregnancy and they are not less responsible than the mother.

I had to double check the name of the website, jeez the misogyny on this thread is just like the old days when children were entirely the fault of- and I do mean fault - of the woman.

I would think a DNA test would be a good idea, but if there’s no reason to believe the baby is anyone else’s - and what is underlying that assumption exactly? - then I can understand why it hasn’t been pushed. Self protection is always a good idea though op.

And thank you op for reassuring me that this is still some belief in male responsibility left inan increasingly sexist country.

No they are not, they’re behaving admirably in accepting that men have responsibility for their dicks and where they shove them. If men have sex they have to accept the possibility of pregnancy and they are not less responsible than the mother.

I had to double check the name of the website, jeez the misogyny on this thread is just like the old days when children were entirely the fault of- and I do mean fault - of the woman.

I would think a DNA test would be a good idea, but if there’s no reason to believe the baby is anyone else’s - and what is underlying the reverse assumption exactly? - then I can understand why it hasn’t been pushed. Self protection is always a good idea though op.

And thank you op for reassuring me that this is still some belief in male responsibility left in an increasingly sexist country.

Yes it was me, in response to a poster saying he should of worn a condom I said

"How do you know he didn't? And even if he didnt, that means his punishment is a human life that he doesn't want?
Imagine being that baby and growing up and finding out your dad didnt plan to have you and was forced or guilted into caring for you. That's awful"

I suppose it depends which way people looking at it. Some people would say it's a consequence ( which I agree it is, I think a negative one for the son )

Consequences are about learning: They help you see the direct effect of your choices so you can make better ones in the future.

Punishments are about retribution: They aim to make someone feel bad for what they did, often using tactics that inflict emotional or physical pain

Although the pregnant girl didn't purposely make the son feel emotional pain you cannot say that this situation hasn't hurt him. The way his parents have treated his feelings in this will also have hurt him and made him feel bad ( ops oriniganl post states the son said he felt uncomfortable )

So to some, it's a consequence, If I put myself in the 19 year old boys shoes I would 100% feel like it was a punishment

But they could of supported the pregnant girl exactly the same as they are now if she was living elsewhere. It's the letting her stay when their sons uncomfortable. There's nothing admiral about not supporting their own child during a very difficult time.

I had to double check the name of the website, jeez the misogyny on this thread is just like the old days when children were entirely the fault of- and I do mean fault - of the woman

But back then they didn't have legal abortion or the morning after pill. So in the olden days that was definetly a ridiculous way of thinking. But in this day and age, especially in the UK, if a woman doesn't want to be pregnant there are a few ways to make it go away.

I'm a woman with 2 children and I would be so angry at having to have a baby I didn't want to have. It's life changing.

If my DS got a girl pregnant i would 100% support her if she decided to keep it and I'd also support my son whilst he navigated his feelings. And I'd also be really upset for my son that he had been forced into being a parent when he didn't want to be. If it was my daughter i. The same situation I would actually strongly advise her not to have a baby with someone who wasn't committed to her

It's more than likely he will step up when the baby is actually born. Right now it's just a foreign scary concept to a 19 year old who probably has no experience of a baby and who isn't getting any emotional support from his parents

Do you not think it’s equally sexist to say that the man is responsible for birth control ? This is not the 1950s. Birth control is freely available. Why did the girl not avail herself of it, given that she’s engaging in casual sex, and is the one who will carry the burden if an unwanted pregnancy is the result ?

The man is responsible for birth control if he is certain he doesn't want a baby as a consequence of sex. The girl might want a baby, or be ambivelant. It is the person who is categorically certain that there should be no consequence, either baby or some disease to protect themselves. If both don't want consequences, they both should ensure proper protection. In this case, the girl seems to want the baby, since she didn't choose abortion either.

This is not about men dicks - it’s about savior complex- mee! Mee! I’m so decent honest and the only one who cares enough to save her from the state , poor outcome and we will get her (a stranger) to stay over, get connected , we will swoop, save and then tell everyone inc mumsnet about our heroic intervention. We will post emotively how she’s alone and the state has been remiss. Will put her in our family dynamic in our home overnight for stays without considering son feelings. That’s the kind of people we are.

oh and we do all this without proof of paternity, because ,well, proof? Oh that’s intrusive

Absolute tosh.