Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

You know exactly what I’m saying.

Wow, that makes it right dies it ? She wants a baby and the wishes of the poor sap she traps are irrelevant ? Grow up.

The father of her ONS is not family nor the solution to this for her.

It's clear he is a man from his first post.

You write as if the "poor sap" has no agency when it comes to getting a girl pregnant. I think we can safely infer he played a part in having sex. He is old enough to know the consequences. It is the woman who gets pregnant, and it is her choice in the end, irrespective of his wishes. If he doesn't know that, and willing to accept the risk, he shouldn't be having sex at all, let alone without adequate protection.

You need to slow down ! Support the girl yes but dna test needs to be done as soon as the child is born

I wish you luck OP, you around a very caring person.

I don't know whether anyone else has said this and don't have time to read the whole thread, but please be careful getting attached to this baby. Even if it is your son's, if this mother can't look after him and he is adopted as such a young baby, and your son doesn't fight to keep in contact, and maybe even if he does, you will have zero rights to ever see this child again.

Please don't get hurt yourself in trying to do the right thing here.

I wasn't sure and, for some reason, I assumed it was a lesbian couple

TBH wasn't putting that much thought in it as it's not relevant or the point of the thread

Non invasive paternity can be done now. It’s a maternal blood test, cheek swab from Dad. It’s bizarre to build links,have her stay in family home when paternity is unknown

Your response is all about @WillfredJohn. Made it all about him. He’s positioned himself at centre, when actually it’s not about him or his efforts

I don't see how it's salient or relevant

Birth control is equally available to both sexes. Why are you assuming it’s the young woman’s fault? Nor does the availability of birth control mean that there is no link between sex and pregnancy.

Your belief that men should be able to just walk away from the consequences of their action and leave it all to the girl is exactly what I’m finding sexist and a bit shit.

I don't have a narrative. I'm responding to what I'm reading.

I will say that having a social worker is not the same as having a partner and family. I would think it's fair enough to describe this girl as alone.

allocated workers isn’t the same as family, however, she has people maintaining oversight and making plans she isn’t solitary. She doesn’t need saved by op

I’d be interested to see the reaction of OP if him and his wife discover the baby isn’t their sons.

I disagree with the idea that OP is doing some kind of 'saviour' act. It sounds to me like he has a good relationship with his son and is trying to do the right thing by his potential grandchild.

I don't know that for sure, and I appreciate that you and others read the situation very differently. But one thing I do know is that having allocated workers is no substitute for love and support from family, and she may well be very grateful to have some support from her baby's grandparents - assuming that they are indeed the grandparents, which sounds likely from OP's last update.

He allowed girl son had a brief thing with to stay in the family home,against son wishes He prioritised being Big saviour over son expressed wishes. He said son is unhappy. Dad is disparaging to son current GF whilst marvelling at the fortitude of the pregnant ex. OP inserts himself into the pg woman Life with no assurance that the child is their son. They exert pressure about the pg ex wellbeing ,accommodation and worlds but simply cannot bring selves to ask for a non invasive DNA test .Nond of this is appropriate , The fawning over the pg girl. Purposefully ignoring son wishes.Conspicuously “helping”

They have a son, who is trying to process this. But that’s not as compelling to op as conspicuously saving this woman.

I'm aware of your opinion, as I said previously.

I disagree.

I see the intelligentsia has arrived to elevate the debate. 🙄
Seriously, if that's all you have, please don't quote me again. It's frustrating to return to a thread expecting someone has said something of worth only to find the poster hasnt even the wit to articulate why they disagree.

@WillfredJohn and has said he'll make more of an effort because if the child is his, he does want to play a part.

Kudos to your son for that. The most important person in all of this is the tiny new innocent life. I hope it all works out for the best it can be, for all, but especially the baby.

Christ, how many times have you used the phrase 'saviour complex'. 😂

I think it's interesting that the son's current gf is being characterised as "needy". I'd imagine that even if she knew about the pregnancy from the start then she'd find it very tough going as things got more "real" - not to mention as the OP and his wife became more and more involved in the mother's life and invited her to move in.
She's probably feeling very conflicted about the whole setup and maybe a bit pressured to act more understanding than she's actually feeling?

Wow you are good people, mtb is very lucky . I imagine Your son might feel like he’s in a surreal nightmare, a girl he had a ons with and never expected to see again is now living with him in his family home, his safe space, being cared for by his parents, while he has new gf. It’s ALOT. Go easy on him, he sounds mature though and it’s wonderful that he wants to be in the life of his child. Don’t force him or he may become resentful and retreat , just gently advise him and let him decide what part he can play. He may not want to be as involved as you , he may decide in some years he wants a greater role, but you can work out an arrangement that feels right to you all Best wishes to you all.

Might not be saviour complex. Might be the misplaced yearning for DC #2 who never got born (assuming OP's DS is an only child) and runaway fantasy of getting to parent this grandchild to relive the happy glory days of the best bits of motherhood while babymum is off being a teenager.