Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

I'm pretty sure the OP said he has 3 DC, so he's probably done the best bits of fatherhood.

Get used to it? We haven't really had a choice have we lol.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion, and I'm not saying I'm in complete disagreement with you. But damn some people like the sound of their own voice.

Give yourself a pat on the back....

What is your career, out of curiosity?

Nowhere have l said that. And no-one is ‘blaming’ the girl. I’ve said several times that if the baby is proved to be his, he needs to be financially responsible.

But let’s make sure he’s the dad first. The assumption from OP that he is the father, without a shred of proof, and the reluctance to get a proper DNA test is what l find really disturbing. The date of conception fits with the time they were together, and despite the known inaccuracies around that, it’s proof enough for him. None of them know the girl and for all anyone knows she could have had any number of one night stands around that time, any one of whom could be the father. And yet he’s set about prioritising this girl over everything else, pushing his own agenda in what basically is none of his business, and is well on the way to alienating his own son - who clearly resents him now, so just imagine how that will play out if the baby turns out not to be his.

You can bang on all you want about men being just as responsible for birth control as women - you’re absolutely right, and in a perfect world they would step up each and every time. But it’s not a perfect world, and they don’t. l for one have taught both my son and my daughter that everyone is responsible for their own body, so they need to protect against pregnancy and more, and not blithely trust it to the other partner.

Regardless of whether or not the baby turns out to be his, l still think it was a mistake to move the girl in. She is in the care of the LA, and has their support which is professional and impartial. There are plenty of others ways the family could have supported her, without interfering with that.

As it is, they have prioritised her over their son’s needs and feelings and tried to force a relationship he clearly didn’t want. And all the while, denying him the basic right of a paternity test. Doesn’t really matter who is the father, because that will be his take away.

@Rosscameasdoody you do know there is a button just under the OP at the top of the first page that says "show all", so that you can quickly and easily read all the OPs posts and updates, right?

He didn't move the girl in. She was vomiting blood and had been/was about to be hospitalised so she stayed the night as they live closer to the hospital and drive.

And for those saying that the girl is a "complete stranger", she's not. OP and his wife appear to have met her, in real life, and spent time with her. Everyone is so quick to judge and assume the worst of this young woman on here, it's so depressing. The OP and his wife are the only ones who've met her, and they've raised three children. They're the only ones who know what she's like, and they're trusting her at the moment as they've no reason not to.

With respect, it's you who needs to 'read all' and understand it.

For instance -

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant.

As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.
He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be.

A 'causal' [casual] fling.

His son knew this girl for exactly a week or so before she became pregnant.

At which point over the last 7 months @WillfredJohn and his wife stepped in is unclear. But she is in fact a stranger because the contact with their son was for days.

I can't quite get my head around the OP 'adopting' the girl his son knew for days.
Also, and this is semantics I know, referring to her as a 'mother to be' is rather quaint and romanticises the whole thing.

It was never his place to 'build a solid relationship' with this girl over the past 7 months. He needs to consider his own motives for this level of involvement and see the harm it's doing to his son. The girl is already 'supported' .

What he can't see is that unless he continues to 'support her' and the child for years, he too will be another person who lets her down. This 'solid relationship' is a fantasy and it's not sustainable if he wants to keep his son in his life too.

The kindest thing to have done was to back off months ago and let the support network that exists help her.

Be curious! It's not important that you know, other than I have met many young girls like her.

I’ve not read all the comments but it sounds like OP and his wife are lovely and doing everything right - they have their heads screwed on and a lot of empathy so I hope they continue to follow their instincts rather than some of the mumsnet advice from strangers. There are a lot of unfair assumptions made about young women in care who become mothers, from both professionals and non professionals, which can make their lives much harder than they need to be.

Next month MtB get’s to pick a location where she’ll be provided with longer-term housing, and I’d like her to be a bit closer to us than she is now.

@WillfredJohn If you're still reading...this is NOT about you and what you want.

I wish you could step back and recognise you have an issue with control.
You've waded in with this girl and rescued her, but with misplaced emotions.
If you really want to support her, you would step back and allow the people who are already involved with her to help.

The whole tone of your posts is flowery (even the way you say 'mother to be') and subjective. The account you give is your emotional response - it's not necessarily the truth or how the girl sees things.

The fact you're now trying to influence where she will live (near you) is not healthy. You're making this all about you and what makes you feel good. It's also possibly a way of you coping with the hash your son has made of things (no contraception) with a ONS.

You and your wife would benefit from talking this over with a counsellor and recognising your own emotions/ actions.

I can't get my head around moving her in. Be supportive - sure. Buy the baby gear, book a doula, book her in antenatal classes.... etc etc.
Baby-sit in future.
But move her in? Just why?

@Jumpclap Can you suggest how they are doing the right thing if it's destroying their relationship with their son?

Yes, have read the updates - thanks for the patronising allusion to the ‘see all’ but ton. This from the opening post During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation. Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house. was what I was mainly responding to. The updates came much later and this definitely gave the impression that the girl’s stay was ongoing.

And l’m not judging the girl, I’m judging OP for the way in which he automatically assumed his son is the father and has ridden roughshod over his feelings, prioritising this girl without a shred of evidence that she’s telling the truth. His son absolutely needs to step up to his responsibilities as a parent. But let’s make sure he’s the parent first.

Agree. And how about showing some respect for their son’s rights by determining that the child is actually his before they offer him up as a sacrifice to doing the right thing. They’re well on the way to destroying their relationship with him now, but that will be as nothing if it turns out the child isn’t his.

No-one appears to be judging the girl on her background, or for the ONS. Her body her choice, no judgement. The issue here is how many times and in what time frame has she exercised that choice. Like it or not it’s relevant because up to this point the assumption is that the child belongs to OP’s son. The fact is that there isn’t a shred of evidence to support that, OP seems quite happy to take the girls’ word alone as proof positive, is now interfering in something that is absolutely none of his business and alienating his son in the process.

Yes, I think that the way the OP has totally ignored his sons feelings, ignoring his son say that his fathers actions have made him feel uncomfortable in his own home, how he is judging his son. It’s little wonder the son is not showing signs of being father of the year. It seems it’s OPs way or the highway.

The OP is out of order in all of this because he should only be supporting the girl IF his son asked him to.

His son is the father (if in fact he is) and all the decisions around how much contact he has with the girl are his.

Not his parent's.

OP has waded in presumably because he feels a bad father for the mistake his son has made. It's his way of dealing with his guilt. He's trying to explain it all in being 'kind' to the girl but the reality is it's about him and his own needs and trying to gain some control over an event he didn't choose.

This. With the caveat that OP won’t know if the ‘hash’ is of his sons’ making unless/until there is a paternity test. It takes two to make a baby so it was on both parties to make sure that didn’t happen. Sadly, neither of them did.

Some people on here watch too much Home and Away. In real life, the sun doesn't always shine. In real life, young men don't fall in love with someone they once had casual sex with and spend the rest of their life with them, together with doting grandparents. In real life, things get messy and everyone does not live happily ever after.
In real life, babies from chaotic backgrounds have poor life chances. They often suffer from poor educational outcomes. They often suffer from emotional and physical abuse. They are more likely to have mental health issues, more likely to turn to drug and alcohol abuse. More likely to live in poverty. More likely to end up in prison, have less job opportunities.
Maybe posters should remember Star Hobson and Arthur Labinjo-Hughes. Both of these children had chaotic backgrounds. Both of them had caring grandparents in the background. Despite repeated concerns raised by the grandparents, social workers decided everything was hunky-dory. The rest is history.

🤣

No, it’s not important that I know, any more than it was important for you to mention it. You seem to think it gives you a special insight though.

I’ve met a few girls (and boys) in similar situations as described and would never dream of either generalising or psychoanalysing based on such limited info. People are messy and complicated and don’t always conform to our professional frameworks.

If you read the context of my post, it was in reply to another poster making the point. If it's not relevant I don't understand why you picked up on my post and continue to do so.

You can stand by your own opinion, but mine is just as valid. You can say you won't generalise and that's your choice.

Read the last OP update - he hasn’t destroyed the relationship with his son. His son recognises they were just trying to do their best and is being supported to engage with therapy, and has said he will make more effort as he does want to be involved with his child. Maybe the OP and his wife were actually just setting a good example of how to be?

A good example does not include riding roughshod over your son's wishes for 7 months then come to MN and ask what to do next.

The OP updated- as you say- to reveal his son was seeking therapy for other issues.

We only have the OP's words here. My guess is he's bulldozed his son into accepting some responsibility and to get his Dad off his back, he's agreed to 'have some involvement'.

It's rather odd you can't see his Dad's behaviour as inappropriate. At 19, the son is an adult. His father is controlling him and has spent the last 7 months 'supporting' a girl who the son does not want to see or have a relationship with, even allowing her to stay in their house at times.