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Original poster

Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

606 replies

WillfredJohn · 01/12/2025 00:45

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

OP posts:

IntrinsicWorth · 01/12/2025 00:50

You and your wife are absolutely brilliant - well done you both. I don’t have any concrete advice except to keep modelling what you want to see, behaviour wise, from him. He is very young and green, but you’re right, he needs to step up. If he didn’t want a baby, he could have used a condom.

QPZM · 01/12/2025 00:53

How do I get him to take an interest?

Well I'd stop putting his girlfriend down and I'd probably help to set her up with her own place to live, which her care providers should be doing at this point anyway.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/12/2025 00:54

Is your son working? If so child maintenance needs calculating and he needs to be told what he has to pay.
You can't maje him behave responsibly im afraid, hopefully he will once baby arrives.
Good on you for supporting the mother of your grandchild.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/12/2025 00:54

ScarmbledEggs25 · 01/12/2025 00:56

Not much you can do to change him. He may or may not grow up and take some responsibility. The new girlfriend sounds like a problem but it sounds volatile, she'll hopefully disappear soon.

A stern, man to man, buckle up and be a man talk is needed but sounds like it didn't work.

I have a son myself and while I'd be super disappointed in him, I would embrace this new grandchild and do everything I could for them (just as I would if they were together/older/married). Grandchildren are a gift and it sounds like you realize that.

Ponderingwindow · 01/12/2025 01:01

I would make sure your son gets a dna test.

if the baby is actually his, I would explain the two possible realities. 1) He can step up and be a father. You will give him whatever practical and financial support you can offer. 2) he fails in his responsibilities and you are forced to dedicate those resources to your grandchild directly. He will be on his own.

Handbagcuriosity · 01/12/2025 01:08

QPZM · 01/12/2025 00:53

How do I get him to take an interest?

Well I'd stop putting his girlfriend down and I'd probably help to set her up with her own place to live, which her care providers should be doing at this point anyway.

The girlfriend isn’t the girl who is pregnant.

OP and wife have helped mum to be by having her stay in the family home and the son often leaves to stay with his girlfriend

Snowontheroof · 01/12/2025 01:15

Is he dubious that the baby is his? Is this why he's not interested?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/12/2025 01:27

I'd be so disappointed in my son in this circumstance. In fact, I'd probably ask him to move out and ask the young woman to move in, that way, you can be there to support her and the baby.

Arghhhhggggggggggg · 01/12/2025 01:39

QPZM · 01/12/2025 00:53

How do I get him to take an interest?

Well I'd stop putting his girlfriend down and I'd probably help to set her up with her own place to live, which her care providers should be doing at this point anyway.

This. Care leavers receive help with housing until their 25. She'd actually be top priority because she's a care leaver and she's pregnant. It's odd her support worker hasn't already helped with this

MightyDandelionEsq · 01/12/2025 01:39

I would’ve had a DNA test before inviting this girl to stay at your house.

I’m not trying to be mean here, but you could support from a distance. If you immerse her into your family and the baby isn’t his then you’re going to have caused further issues especially as it sounds like she’s already been through a lot.

You can be disappointed in him but you don’t know at this point whether the baby is in fact his.

Arghhhhggggggggggg · 01/12/2025 01:41

There isn't anything you can do, you can't force him to help. Maybe he will change once the baby is here and its a real person as such. I have a dd and a ds and if either of mine ended up in this situation I'd be sad for them.

LunaTheCat · 01/12/2025 01:50

what brilliant people you are.
there was a thread from someone in a similar situation who castigated the pregnant young woman and accused her of ”trapping” her son.
when the baby is born he may come to his senses.

WickedLabubus · 01/12/2025 01:54

I agree about the DNA test. Get it done ASAP.

I’d be telling my son to find somewhere else to
live as his room will soon be going to his child.

Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService · 01/12/2025 02:01

I presume his GF isn't considering him as a serious long-term partner, now she knows how he reacts as soon as he gets somebody pregnant?

You both sound amazing, but he is such a massive disappointment. It's perfectly fine for any man to not want/be ready for a baby, for whatever reasons - but only as long as he diligently avoids doing anything that could possibly make a baby.

GaIadriel · 01/12/2025 02:07

Well, he has to pay his maintenance of course, but if he didn't want to be a father and she chose to have the baby anyway then you can't force him to be involved. I'd not have been particularly happy as a teenager if my parents had forced me to share a house with someone I had a drunken one night stand with. This will likely end up with the son moving out and living with his gf.

GaIadriel · 01/12/2025 02:08

And before somebody points out that he could've worn a condom, yes he could've but he didn't force her to have unprotected sex.

Tryingatleast · 01/12/2025 02:14

QPZM

How do I get him to take an interest?
Well I'd stop putting his girlfriend down and I'd probably help to set her up with her own place to live, which her care providers should be doing at this point anyway.

Am I reading it wrong, op says him and his wife like her and moved her in!!!!

Op while he does need to step up, he’s so young and probably panicking, you and your wife need to acknowledge that as opposed to the man up approach. It’s a tough situation all round if he has a girlfriend and may have realised he didn’t like the mother. But the baby is coming and he’s going to have to be there. That’s difficult for them all and ye need to acknowledge it

cooksbrandedclock · 01/12/2025 02:28

So many issues: 1) going forward the son needs to take future responsibility for contraception and STIs. 2) a DNA test is needed. 3) if it is proven the child is his, then he must face at the very least the financial consequences of his actions. 4) going forward, the mother to be (Mtb) needs to take responsibility for contraception and STIs. 5) Mtb needs to face the consequences of her choice to keep the pregnancy and becoming a single parent. 6) Full kudos to (potential) paternal grandparents for their kindness towards Mtb and I truly hope the child carries their DNA. 7) The son is in a current relationship which may or may not last - he is young and presumably still playing the field. Current g/f is irrelevant to the pregnancy and new life. 8) the son, even after the birth of the child, may not want anything to do with the human being he helped to make. He cannot be forced to parent, ( but see 3). 9) if the Mtb has been in the care system she will have a care-worker or social worker … she will need help with providing a stable, safe home for herself and her baby.

Hairylegs202S · 01/12/2025 02:36

I agree that your son needs a DNA test to confirm that he's the father, until that's done I wouldn't be pushing him so much to step up.

I don't think he should be going to the scans - he's not with the mother to be, he doesn't want to be a father, I don't see how it can be a support for her to have him there.

I don't think you should move her into your house - as others have said, she will get housing and other support as a young care leaver, and in case the baby isn't his, it's better that she's not dependent on your family.

They weren't in an exclusive relationship, or any relationship, so there is a chance the baby isn't his, it's not as if he's walked out on a long term partner, I think you should cut him some slack.

I do think he's crazy to be dating with this going on.

birdsnestinghere · 01/12/2025 02:51

Your son is going to have to step up financially at least, but I'd encourage a DNA test, to be sure. How certain can you be with a one night stand at a party with someone you just met? There may have been others. If he's proven to be the father, he may be more interested.

Maxorias · 01/12/2025 02:51

You can't force him to take an interest.

You may be able to force him to pay child support, and to be in the same room as the baby, but you can't make him engage emotionally. Honestly, if his heart isn't in it, it's probably better for the baby that he doesn't even try. Having an inconsistant fatherly presence with all the ups and downs and smashed hopes is worse than no father at all.

While I appreciate this is disappointing behaviour, yelling and castigating your son won't get the result you want, it will only alienate him further.

I think any future talks need to eliminate guilt or any intent to force him to behave the way you want. Instead I'd focus on explaining your view of things. That you know it must be terrifying to think of the responsibility of being a father and it's natural he'd shy away from it, but the mom doesn't get to run away and pretend it didn't happen. Acknowledge that it's ultimately his choice if he steps up or not. He needs to think about what kind of man he is, what kind of man he wants to be.

And finally, once you've had that talk - let go. You can't make him do it. Focus your energy on more constructive things, like being a positive influence in your grandchild and his mother's life.

Deebee90 · 01/12/2025 02:53

Your son doesn’t neeed to step up and be a dad. Sorry but clearly it was a one night stand and she got pregnant . Yes he has to provide maintenance but that’s it. Maybe when the baby’s born he might feel different but he’s got a girlfriend and is making his life . You can’t force him to be a dad he doesn’t clearly want to be and had no choice in the keeping. Maybe treating your son about protection would help too so more babies aren’t made.

Looociee · 01/12/2025 03:01

I can't believe some of these comments. You are trying to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. I agree with pp above that Mtb needs to face the consequences of her choice to keep the pregnancy and becoming a single parent. Yes he will need to step up financially but that's it. You don't know for sure this baby is his either.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 01/12/2025 03:17

Is your son sure that the child is his?
Has he had a maternity test.?

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