Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

Assuming it is certain the child is your son's, I think you are doing all of the right things for now. I personally wouldn't push it too hard with him but rather take his place with the mother during pregnancy. I would have a chat with him about recognising it will take him some time to come to terms with the news, but that when the baby is here you will expect him to step up. Talk to him about what being a good parent looks like, even if he didn't want or expect to be a parent he can still be a good one. That's all you can do. If he continues to refuse to step up when the baby is born you can support the mother in his stead and just hope he comes round in time - try to reinforce your collective values with him until then rather than just going on about the baby specifically. Why we should take responsibility for our actions, why we should help the vulnerable etc. Hopefully he will step up when it comes to it. Also help him work out how he can be a supportive parent with his ex whilst being a good boyfriend- that is challenging for the best of us to manage, so helping him through that maze will empower him to step up.

Will she not struggle to get her own place now that's she's living somewhere? Wouldn't she have to be made homeless to go to the top of the list now?

I reckon if abortion was outlawed over here the argument of "oh well, she should've used protection" probs wouldn't be quite as popular.

I would be insisting on a DNA test. This young woman may see your family as a soft touch. I actually feel a bit bad for your son, as well. Yes, he should have worn a condom (although they do sometimes fail!) but he is probably blindsided by the whole thing. I wonder why she wants to go ahead with the pregnancy? (although I suppose it's too late to terminate now)

I can see both sides - the enormity of what has happened for the pregnant young girl and also the same for your DS. I wonder whether he feels that you are focused on supporting her before him?

I think it is fine to support her and be a resource given she is the mother of your future grandchild, but have you sat down to talk to and just support your DS? It is a horrible lesson to learn so young that actions come with lifelong and onerous consequences. He probably hoped, given her age and background she would opt for a termination and I’m sure he’s confused, feels trapped and very scared. Not unlike the girl. It’s also okay for him to acknowledge that he, at the moment, is not ready to step up - can you arrange some counselling for him?

And yes, you will need to discuss CMS, whether and how he (and you, if you wish to and he is not working/earning much) can offer her in support both financially and practically.

You can't force someone to be a parent. I'm surprised she went through with it as she presumably doesn't work and has no income.

She shouldn’t be staying at his house. How do you know the baby is even his?

You’re at risk of completely ostracising your son, he is only 19, thats still young. If the girl has been in care, I’m sure that she will be given a place to live. You can still help her and form a relationship without her living with you. You don’t actually know it’s his child yet.

I suspect those waters have been horribly muddied by what this lad's parents have done by moving her in. Any social workers who can tell us, if she's 18 and legally an adult, what the situation is?

Something that just occurred to me - is the plan for her to keep the baby? The teenager I knew who got pregnant when she was in care had support to keep her child but unfortunately could not put the baby’s needs before herself and the child was taken into foster care. Her subsequent children were removed at birth and adopted.

Happened to close friends of mine. DNA test before anything else.

He's a father now. He knew what the consequences were. All the rest is noise frankly.

I’m hoping it’s a wind up because l can’t think of a more effective way to alienate your own son than by what OP has done. Assuming the child is his with no proof, and then forcing the issue by moving the girl in, despite her being in the care of the LA, is batshit. The situation is bad enough if the child is his. If it turns out that it’s not, OP’s relationship with her son will be irretrievable.

I have no idea what point you are trying to make. Genuinely. I would advise any young person not to have sex outside a committed relationship with someone who would be a good parent. That's good advice and that's the message I would hope young men and women have the opportunity to hear.

But it's fine when her adult son decides to alienate his child - along with his/her mother?

This is leaving me feeling very uncomfortable. Absolute madness to move her into what I assume to be your son’s home. Where are her support workers in all of this? The LA should be providing support until she is at least 21 and 25 in certain circumstances.

You have no evidence at this stage that your son is the father other than he had sex with her (I hate to say this, but others could have as well) and until a DNA test is undertaken you are not going to categorically know. That doesn’t necessarily prevent you from giving some support, but moving a young woman who has been through the care system and should still be receiving support from the LA is overstepping and premature. You may well have irrevocably damaged your relationship with your son by your (well intentioned) behaviour.

Rather than focus on your son’s lack of interest, you need to focus in the first instance on getting the young woman the support she should be getting from the LA. Once she is sorted out with them, you can then work on rebuilding your relationship with your son. Yes, he needs to know that if the child is his that he at the very least needs to pay maintenance and as part of that step DNA testing is required, but anything more at this stage cannot be forced. He obviously needs advice about contraception, STIs etc as well. Can you imagine the damage that will be done to your son if he finds out that the baby is not his when you have been trying to force him to be involved with the young woman’s pregnancy and attend pregnancy related appointments with her? It would be a different matter if he had been in a relationship with her, but he wasn’t and it’s not clear that he even knew her before the weekend he met her.

Not without a paternity test it’s not. I agree that if the child is his, he should be financially responsible, but to suggest that birth control is entirely the responsibility of the male is just as bad as the antiquated view that protection is all on the woman. It’s infantilising to both parties, who, if consenting to sex, are equally responsible for ensuring it doesn’t result in an unwanted pregnancy or STD.

This. In a nutshell.

All you can do is keep supporting your son to be a responsible adult, rather than taking over and treating him (or his child’s mother) like a child.

Once he’s a parent, all his life choices will need to be focussed on what’s best for his child. That means aiming to have a good relationship with their mother.

IMHO, having her stay at your home was going too far if your son didn’t feel comfortable about it. Where’s she living now? It’s vital she gets her own place before the baby’s born. You could help her with this. As a pregnant woman who’s been in care, she has the right to self-contained temporary accommodation from the council and preference on the waiting list for social housing. This would be her best option as a lone parent, as private rents are so unaffordable for households with only one income. She needs to go to the council’s housing options team and ask to apply for homelessness assistance and put her name down for social housing. She shouldn’t tell the council she has the option to live with you as they’ll argue she’s not homeless.

Advise her to contact Shelter for advice on her rights. https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/priority_need/children_live_with_you_or_you_are_pregnant

Hopefully, your son is having safe sex with his new girlfriend.

The top of the list, even when you are a care leaver, doesn't mean that you walk straight into a home. They have to have a home to give you.

I wouldnt assume this young lady has lied about the paternity of her unborn baby just because she is poor and a care leaver. I wouldn't assume that she's been having sex with multiple people and is therefore unaware of the true paternity. Those seem like horrible assumptions to make.

He didn't want a baby but ejaculated directly into her vagina, the one sure fire way to make a baby. Stop infantilizing him for God sake, he's young but not too young to understand how babies are made. Expecting him to take some responsibility for his actions is perfectly reasonable.

Depends on whether it’s his child. It was a one night stand. Presumably they didn’t know each other before and wouldn’t have seen each other again if not for the pregnancy. And frankly, if the girl was open to a one night stand, it may well not be her first, or last. There is no relationship here, regardless of whether the child is his or not, and by moving the girl in, the OP is trying to force one. Yes, if the child is his then he has a financial responsibility, but nothing more and the OP trying to play happy families and force them together will have the opposite effect.

As is expecting the girl to take the same responsibility, given that she was consenting to sex and just as aware of how babies are made. Discouraging women from taking responsibility for their own protection is infantilising in itself.

I think you are being incredibly selfish. You might like the woman but she is not having your baby and your son barely knows her. You might want to be grandparents but that is not your call to make. You need to step away from your son's life, let him make his own decisions, let him decide what his relationship with this woman and her baby will be. Yes, IF the baby proves to be his (would definitely have a paternity test) he does need to provide some financial support but as others have said, having the baby was her decision and she needs to make arrangements for her own life and her child. There is state support for single mothers in the form of housing, childcare, tax relief, etc. Just get out of the way and let the young people arrange their own lives. Once they have decided what they want to do, THEN you support them. It is not your job to make him step up, take an interest, or anything else. If you are bored, go and find another hobby.

The fact that you are putting this stranger over your son's needs and wishes is astonishingly bad parenting.

Would you just ignore your grandchild if your son decided he doesn't want to step up?