Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

your son needs a dna test before you start getting involved. I hate to say it but there could be a chance its not your sons. I had a friend when I was 17 (she was also 17) who was convinced it was her boyfriends baby she had a one night stand, it was the one night stands baby and this was after the boyfriends parents paid for her to get a rental and for all the baby bits.

So to recap.

Son, 19 has a one night stand with a girl, who subsequently tells him she’s pregnant.

The girl is effectively in the care of the local authority, so a minor.

Despite the fact that the LA is responsible for this girl and as a care leaver she will receive priority with housing and other support until age 25, you’ve taken it upon yourselves to move her in to your home against your sons’ wishes.

She and your son don’t have a relationship and your son has another girlfriend, but you are actively trying to force them together, hoping he will step up to his responsibilities, which so far has resulted in him spending more time out of the house with his girlfriend.

You’ve formed a ‘solid’ relationship with the girl, with absolutely no proof that the baby is your sons’. What are you going to do if the baby turns out not to be his ?

So you’re now prioritising this girl over your son and effectively pushing him out of his own home, instead of doing what you should have done in the first place - returning the girl into the care of the LA, and making sure that they are aware of the situation and providing appropriate support. As well as insisting on a paternity test before taking on any responsibility.

The fact that you describe your son as having lived a charmed life, while the opposite is true for this girl, is very telling and I hope this is a wind up because if not, something is very wrong here. If this is real you need to wake up and get your priorities right. Put the girl back into the care of the LA and make sure they are aware of what’s happening so they can act appropriately - she’s a minor and they are legally responsible for her. You can’t just take her in without their approval - she is not your project.

Get a paternity test before you become any more involved, and start supporting your son instead of treating him as though he’s committed some high crime, because if you continue as you are and it turns out he’s not the father, you’ll lose him for good.

😂 no, perhaps he didn't. But ultimately, don't have sex if you don't consent to parenthood. Especially unprotected. It's totally on him, she didn't impregnate herself

You need to know if the baby is his and she needs help setting up her own place near by so you can continue to support her - if the baby is indeed his.
I feel sorry for your son and her of course - they’re both in a difficult position.

You say shes a touch younger than him...how much younger? I wouldnt be moving her in etc until a dna test was done and even then im not sure. Does she have social workers involved? What do they recommend? I understand she has come from a really sad background but your son is an adult as is she (im presuming) and I think you and wife are overstepping, you cant force this on your son. You've moved this young girl in to your family against your sons wishes. What happens if she gives birth and the baby turns out not to be his? You will all be in for heart break. And if the baby is his then whats the steps going forward? Even if son does take an interest and wants to be involved you've all created a weird situation, the baby now lives in his family home - what happens if mum starts dating someone? I can understand you both wanting to rescue this poor girl but I think this is a weird set up. This is just my own opinion.

Utter nonsense. If she’s mature enough to consent to sex, she has just as much responsibility to make sure she is protected - and not just from pregnancy.

This young woman may be perfectly genuine and the baby is your grandchild. On the other hand, your son may have simply looked the most likely out of a range of others to actually step up. Just because she has had an awful unfortunate start in life does not mean that she is necessarily a trustworthy person who is telling the utter truth. She may just simply be doing the best she can for her child and I wouldn't blame her for that. I'd be safeguarding my heart till I had a DNA test confirming it is your son's child and your grandchild.

I don't think you can make your son interested in a baby he clearly doesn't want with a woman he equally doesn't want. There are people who have the resources and the love to lavish on a child and who are desperate to adopt. I wonder, in the circumstances, if this could be the best outcome for this child. I say this as somebody who had biological children easily and without any skin in game about adoptions. I can say the child of a teenage family member was adopted - the girl went to a wonderful family, had a great childhood with two siblings, qualified as a doctor, married up and has her own family now. I don't think this would have been possible with struggling teenage parents. I speak as somebody who supported a child through a medical degree which was a very expensive proposition.

Is it definitely his? I wouldn't be getting too involved until that's certain. I think you're overstepping, it's his problem to solve how to be a good father. You can give him guidance but I think you're pushing him away from you with the way you're acting right now.

DBA test first as pp said. Then go from there.

How do you know he didn't? And even if he didnt, that means his punishment is a human life that he doesn't want?

Imagine being that baby and growing up and finding out your dad didnt plan to have you and was forced or guilted into caring for you. That's awful

26 years ago l could’ve written this post, apart from the girl being in care. It’s been quite the journey, we acknowledged the baby from the off, my son after about 20 years, he hasn’t been involved much at all. Our grandson is a delightful young man and credit to his mother who brought him up, she lived about an hour from us.

It’s not a punishment. It’s a consequence. Play in the rain, get wet.

This is what l’d like to know too. In any event, if the girl is still in care, she’s a minor and under the legal guardianship of the local authority. I doubt it’s legal for OP to move the girl in without LA vetting and approval. The whole situation doesn’t sit right somehow. Where does the LA figure in all of this ?

To those saying she must be under 18 if in care - you can (at least here) stay with your foster family until 21 here.

OP has said she's younger than their 19 year old

She will have a Social Worker then. They should be involved.

I can't understand that mindset. It is a punishment for the son, and for the baby.

That baby deserves to be brought up with a mum and a dad who planned it and want to bring it up in a stable home. How unfair to bring it into this shitshow

I have a son and a daughter and I'd be incredibly upset for either of them if they ended up in a situation like this. Absolutely no one in this situation is having a nice time are they and now a baby is being thrown into this mess 🤦‍♀️

OP has confirmed that son is 19 and the girl is younger than him. If she’s still in care, then she’s still legally the responsibility of the local authority, but there’s no mention of them even being informed of the situation. Something is not right here. I suspect a wind up.

Exactly so. In what world can OP just move in a minor who is actively in the care of the local authority ?

You would think, but where are they and why have they let this vulnerable teenager move in with a random family? It's all very odd and you'd think her social and supprt worker would be incredibly concerned about the whole situation. You'd think they'd want to have regular meetings with her and the family she's living with. All very odd

I really hope so. I feel terrible for the son, I hope it's fake because he must be miserable of it's real. And the OP is some sort of predator If this real, maybe not predator I can't think of the proper way to describe it

But there's somthing off about someone inviting a really vulnerable girl into their home and not seeking further support for her

This! You’re choosing a stranger over your own son. Bizarre behaviour. How will he ever forgive you for this if the baby isn’t his?

She stayed with them while she was ill, unless I misread. Older Kids in care don’t tend to have anyone making them a lemsip and some toast.

And social workers can’t stop kids that age doing what they want. They can only support them to make wise choices. This girl could be thoroughly protected by SS, but that still won’t mean she feels supported and looked after.

Are you anti abortion by any chance?

Regardless, if hes the father (and he should check) he'll need to pay. But why you think he should play happy families with some random one night stand is puzzling.

I find the enthusiasm with which the OP is ditching her son for this shiny new relationship rather disturbing but it may go some way to explaining why he thinks children are disposable.

What kind of message does that send to women ? ‘It’s OK girls, you don’t have to take any responsibility for protecting yourselves against unwanted pregnancies or STD’s - you can totally leave it up to the guys to sort that out’. Really ?