Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

@WillfredJohn

You sound lovely in how you are supporting this lady with her pregnancy, especially given her circumstances.

Just be careful you don't get too invested until you know for sure that your son is the father. You really don't know at this stage.

It would be heartbreaking to have got so emotionally invested and then discover he isn't the dad, and in the meantime have done irreparable damage to your relationship with your son and his girlfriend. You don't know what the future holds and it's possible that this new girlfriend may also become pregnant in the future.

Don't be too quick to write your son off in case it all blows up in your face.

I stand corrected.

I wasn't sure. I don't know how reliable they are (I didn't read through fully - just enough to see that it does exist). I'd strongly consider if I were the OP.

You’re having the pregnant girl stay at your house?? That’s too much. You don’t even know it’s his for starters.

The poster is referring to his current gf not his ONS.

Therapy for you and your son.

Are there other people in the house, I feel inviting the girl to live with you, is really changing the dynamic. Are you something of a captain save the day?

In this situation - you have tried everything else - why not show some empathy to your son? He is only a teenager, and must be reeling from the news.

It sounds like he is feeling overwhelmed, and is choosing avoidance. Once the DNA test is complete and he sees the baby things might change. He sounds very young for his age - and needs time to mature.

You are doing a wonderful job looking after this young woman, and your grandchild to be. She has no one else, and your support is extremely valuable.

If your son doesn’t like it, that’s too bad, he should have thought about that at the party. His life is barely impacted, and I would be reminding him of the life changing event it has been for the mother of his child, every single time he protests.

He needs to get used to this arrangement, as it sounds like you really want to be involved and support the baby. I would do the same in your position. This situation is far bigger than what your son’s preferences are. One day he might well thank you - when he grows up that is, as you are doing the right and honourable thing. Ds is barely an adult himself, and it’s okay for him to be scared and overwhelmed. Counselling would be useful for him.

Things will settle down once the baby is here, and they have a home set up.

He made a mistake and you can’t make him be someone he’s not . He doesn’t want a baby. He doesn’t have a choice, the mother does, but you can’t make him want to be involved. IMO you are too engaged when you don’t even know the baby is your sons. If the mother has been in care she will still have access to help, she doesn’t need to be moved in to your home while you oust your son. I’d stop pushing your son away,
if he doesn’t want a baby so be it and yes he could’ve worn a condom but she could’ve used protection . She had the choice about continuing the pregnancy, he didn’t .

This. This is bonkers.

support your son.

Support the son to abandon the baby altogether? There aren’t many peole that would agree with you there.

It sounds like he is just young and afraid of the situation. He is allowed to have those feelings.

As mature parents ourselves, we fully understand the impact of pregnancy and a baby’s arrival. Anyone with an ounce of decency would be offering as much support as they could. Modelling by example. This gives their son at least the opportunity further down the line to be a proper father. A dna test is important of course.

You and your dw are being very naive. This girl is traumatised and care experienced and you don’t know her and yet you have her in your home and are putting her above your son to the extent you have fallen out with him when he needs you the most. I am surprised that you have not even entertained the possibility that the baby is not his and to wait and see and when the baby is born to obtain a dna test. Until then support her from afar. Your son is terrified and he is right to be holding back. By taking her in she may then find it harder to get accommodation for her and the baby. Start thinking op about how you will repair things with your son if the baby is not his.

Unfortunately - yes to dna testing.
Keep your powder dry until it is confirmed as his as He may engage once baby arrives oR it may be a moot point.

I wouldnt dictate it in a "my money my rules" way but i'd be inclined to reduce his support and redirect energies to the GC.

Separately, as an absent / non engaged parent himself, he cannot really dictate your level of engagment with GC / mother and i dont think its wrong to priortise energy and resource based on need. As an able bodied adult his needs are lower than a dependent child.

I dont think its fair /right to cut your son out at this point. I would offer to pay for 3-6 months counselling with someone of his choosing if he wants. If hes a dead beat dad in 2 yrs... thats a different story.

He doesn't want a baby. She obviously knew that and made the decision to become a single parent.

Why are you having her stay in your house?

He quite clearly doesn’t want a baby, so he should have taken the steps to prevent it instead of sulking about it now. Yes, she could have insisted on protection, but she maybe wanted a baby. It’s up to him to protect himself.

I think you need to tread carefully. Yes it’s disappointing that he is behaving this way but he is still your son. He doesn’t know the mother and is possibly feeling awkward. You can’t make him be a dad. I wouldn’t have invited her to stay you can support her without forcing the situation on him. He may change once the baby is here. You can still have a relationship with the baby if he doesn’t by step up. It sounds like you prefer the pregnancy mum to his gf but it’s his choice who he chooses.

Ikr, imagine if they had a daughter who got pregnant by a one night stand and then they moved the father into their house so he could bond with baby. These teens are actually strangers to each other despite that one night. Maybe he knows more about her than you. Maybe she said something embarrassing about him to friends after that night. Who knows.
If a DNA test proves baby is his, he will need to financially support her, and hopefully can navigate a relationship with his child, but really, she is nothing to him, no matter how much you like her. Keep in mind, that one day she may get a new partner and ditch you for a new life so don't get to invested in her at this point. Your gc (if it turns out to be) is another story.

You don't know he didn't. Shit happens

I agree. Well dine @WillfredJohn

A similar thing happened to the brother of a friend of mine 50 odd years ago except nobody knew about the baby until she gave birth alone in the bathroom. She had told him she was pregnant and wanted a termination so he gave her the money and thought that was it. His parents came down quite hard on him and ensured that he supported the child and maintained a relationship. The last I knew of them the child was 7 and everything was working out well.

Must be reasonably new. Probably not funded though and more expensive.

Wow starting to understand why so many kids have dead beat or absent fathers. Men can't be bothered to wear a condom and women encouraging men to not step up to the consequence of that.

If your son doesn’t like it, that’s too bad, he should have thought about that at the party. His life is barely impacted, and I would be reminding him of the life changing event it has been for the mother of his child, every single time he protests

But the girl chose to keep the baby, it doesn't sound like the son wanted to keep it. It is life changing for her, but she made that choice herself. She's still so so young, she could of had an abortion ( I know their not for everyone ) and waited a few years and had a baby with someone who actually wanted a family with her.

I suspect she probably would of had an abortion if the OP hadn't decided to invite her to live with them 🤦‍♀️

Just because the son had sex doesn't mean he had to get saddled with a baby for the rest of his life.

She could of took the morning after pill, she clearly chose not to and chose to continue with this pregnancy knowing the son didn't want that.

I'm a woman with two children and I cannot put into words how angry I would be at being forced to have a baby I didn't want.

There's only one person who doesn't have any choice or say in any of this and that's the OP's son. I wouldn't be surprised if the son goes NC with the family after this, they've turned the whole thing into a shitshow. Do you really think this girls social worker and support worker would encourage her to keep a baby from a one night stand with a man who doesn't want it?

The OP is actually a terrible person for what they've done here. They should of kept their nose right out of it

Does the girlfriend even know someone else is expecting his baby? Is he so opposed to you supporting the girl because he thinks it'll get back to her?

I'd not call a 19 year old boy a man would you?

He's over 18. That's exactly what he is. He's also old enough to know to wear a condom.