I just lost it with my five year old

[leavingthehouse]

I slapped him across the face. I’m disgusted with myself and am going to make some plans to leave the house as soon as he’s in bed.

All day he’s been … destroying things I guess. He found a sharp stick and scraped the car; he took a paintbrush and ran upstairs with it getting paint all over the stairs, he poured a drink all over the floor, he grabbed a carbon monoxide detector and was grabbing it to make it beep.

I just gave him a shower and turned round and he was squeezing out my shower gel which was a gift everywhere … he’s been told not to do it so many times before. I lost it. It just felt like such a fuck you.

Like I say … I’m hoping to arrange to go. I don’t know what to do about anything. I’ve just lost it.

His behaviour sounds extreme, do you have any help?

No, none. Today he has just been awful and it’s been intentional. I can’t figure out what’s wrong with him. I just lost it, I screamed and slapped out at him, it wasn’t planned not that that makes it any better.

Oh OP 🫂

You don't need to leave.

It was pretty crappy, as you obviously realise, but you don't need to leave.

You need to work on some strategies to deal with both your own stress reactions, and his behaviour. It's all fixable, I promise.

Where is his other parent? What support do you have?

I would put him to bed. Sit in front of the tv.
Tomorrow is a new day xx

@BoobsOnTheMoon you broke the dam through being nice to me I feel like the shittiest person and I am; what I did was just awful. DH isn’t massively supportive in many ways, in some ways he is but today he’s just checked out. And he is too soft I think which means I feel I’m constantly nagging ds.

You don’t have another adult in the house? Where’s his dad? If not then don’t leave the house!

Every parent has a breaking point and young children can push you to it. It is normal to have bad days where they drive you made. As you know hitting him is not acceptable and certainly won’t improve his behaviour. Sounds to me like he may copy you. All behaviour is communication from children. He sounds either angry or keen for attention even negative attention. Do you have other children? A newborn maybe? Anything going on at home like arguing or recent separation? Issues at school. Is this unusual behaviour for him? I would try and work out the cause. I would also ensure one room where he is safe and if necessary pop him in there whilst you calm down. Should he drive you mad again.

I’m not going to leave him unsupervised in the house no

Go where? For how long? The last thing he probably needs is for you to disappear.

He needs you to apologize, to know that hitting is not ok, and prove that you love him.

You need therapy and to learn to regulate. You can start immediately with some tools to learn to manage your rage like deep breathing, understanding your triggers.

His behavior sounds totally developmentally normal. It’s your job to keep your special shower gel out of his reach, not for him to not rely on his poor impulse control.

All behavior is communication - what is he trying to tell you? He’s bored? Anxious? He need more connection time with you/his dad? New sibling?

Read the book you wish your parents had read, and Janet Lansbury and How to Talk so Kids will listen.

@Muddywelliescleansocks hes always been quite destructive in a way. But I’ve realised today behaviour that was normal when he was a toddler is just not now at five. Like yes toddlers do stupid stuff like scribble on walls but he still does. I do think DH and I have probably been guilty of minimising it in a way and maybe even laughing it off. But DH was very angry and upset about the car and that’s when he checked out.

I just feel like I’ve made a mess of the parenting thing, like I know what you’re supposed to do but it doesn’t work or isn’t practical in that moment and then you are stuck.

So sorry OP.
I’m glad to see there are kind comments on here instead of everyone just bashing and criticising you.
Let it be the first and last time, just see the GP as soon as possible for his behaviour.

He is a small child half your size.
Behaviour is communication. Your behaviour suggests extreme stress but you are the adult.
Move things he should not touch out of reach. Alarms toiletries etc
He is 5 he does not know your toiletries are expensive.
Did he go outsude today run around?
Tomorrow is another day.
Lots of fresh air.
Tell yourself to walk away and count to 10
You cannot rage and hit ever again
Speak to his school for support
Reach out on monday for support as he will likely tell someone he was slapped

Another vote for Janet Lansbury, Unruffled.

I dont like these threads when parents who've just abused their children come on here for reassurance that everything is ok. Everything is not ok. You hit your child around the face in anger.

I think sit with that feeling and use it as impetus to do better. Dont leave the house, dont run away. Find a way to get yourself under better control. Parenting courses, reading, therapy ( perhaps something from your childhood triggered you to act this way? ) in any case- make a plan.

And first thing in the morning, apologise to your child and promise them it'll never happen again- and mean it.

OP don't panic. He pushed you to absolute breaking point, and no, not the ideal or best way to handle it, but equally there was a reason why. Anyone working with children gets this, and will want to help.

I agree with pp, ask on Monday at school to speak with the SENDCo, you need some support with how you change this behaviour at home, and support for yourself.

How is your son? Is someone with him? Does he have a mark. You are going to have to speak to the school and/ or social services about this, at 5 he really could be telling someone what happened. Even if he seems fine in himself he may seek the support of a teacher at school.

Once he is in bed you need to sit down with your husband and make a plan of what to do as you know this can never happen again. If that means leaving for a while then you need to do that. On Monday I’d get the ball rolling for help for the both of you from the GP.

Where did you learn it was ok to lay hands on people in anger? We’ve all been furious with children but typically that comes out in yelling or banging about, there’s an invisible barrier between you and harming your child. You need to get support - a parenting course maybe which I know sounds absolutely awful but they’re really designed AFAIK to help parents who are finding it hard to cope to find new strategies, not to imply that you’re useless as you’re clearly not.

Have a clear memory of my mum hitting my brother round the face in rage, we were secondary age at the time and they were similar heights but it was still completely shocking. Be shocked at yourself and use it as an excuse to change and get help. Realistically I’m sure you don’t give a toss about shower gel compared to your child’s well-being. But today something has snapped and you are going to make sure that snapping doesn’t happen again.

You need to do something about your own emotional regulation. I absolutely do not want to pile in on you, but slapping a five year old across the face is extreme. Tapping him on the bum or arm I might have been with the more sympathetic posters but not the face.

You need to take this as a turning point. I totally agree with @BreadstickBurglar.

I mean sorry to be the asshole here but you've physically assaulted a 5 year old, he's 5 his behaviour needs addressing and you are his parent ! Do some bloody parenting and have a serious word with yourself about your behaviour

This reads very much like you are making it all about you, when the focus should be on addressing the fact that you slapped a five year old around the face. Running away is a ridiculously dramatic response and is a way to remove yourself from having to fix the situation you created. It will only make things even harder for your DC.

If you can go on the Triple P Parenting Programme it could really help. I now live in a socially deprived area so we get it free, well I would if I had young children.

My pal lives a mile away and had to pay for hers. She and her husband went while her mum watched the children. It’s really good. Once a week in local venues. Breaks things down into manageable chunks to work on at home. Good ideas that really help. She thought it wouldn’t but it did. He liked it too which I was surprised at. Made him take more interest in things because he didn’t have confidence but as a united front Thwy worked better together to parent the same style.

I don’t know if there is one near you but I’d recommend it for you and DH if you can get a weekly sitter.

People have hit other people for centuries. It happens. But you need guidance and suggestions to make sure it doesn't happen again. Are you also worn out or burned out wirh work home dh being lazy or whatever? All of that can impact.

Agree with dh what way to parent and what punishments to use. Apologise to dc tomorrow for hitting him, and both of you explain that there’s to be no more naughty behaviour or he will be docked an evening of tv or gaming or whatever. And stick to it. He will try a lot to test you.

Has he got any SEN diagnosis? Sounds similar to how my boy was at 5 hes ADHD. Has you son got a energy outlet? A trampoline/ running outside/ biking. Parenting a young child is hard but its better to walk away, yes he pushed your buttons but hitting him isn't the way, put him in his room next time and say you need 5 minutes to yourself go sit down away from him. Move the expensive shower gels out of reach. Only have his things in the shower. Apologise to him when you're calm and if you ever feel like you are going to snap then call someone to help.

@chocolateychurros

"just see the GP as soon as possible for his behaviour"

For his behaviour, he is five years old and @leavingthehouse slapped him across the face

The child is not the problem here, is he, fgs.

@dairydebris I am absolutely not coming on here for reassurance everything is OK. It isn’t OK and he’s going to remember that for the rest of his life, I expect. I don’t think anything nice or kind or loving I do for him will ever undo what I just did.

The problem is that I did do it. I wish so so hard that I could rewind back an hour but I just can’t and I have to a) make sure it NEVER happens again and b) try to put it right.

I just don’t know how. I can’t seem to reach him. I do think he has sen but as no one else does that’s a nonstarter.

I just feel like all day and really for some time it’s like if you turn around he’s destroyed something. We always used to say he was better out of the house and I used to deal with it by literally never being inside with him, when he was a toddler I’d leave the house at 9 (and even those couple of hours would be awful) and get back at 5 … have lunch out and car naps, just so I didn’t have to cope with him at home.

@Poms i don’t think it is dramatic or at least not purposefully so. I suspect after they are both asleep DH and I will agree that’s best.

He is 5, not 18 months. That level of destructive behaviour is not typical for five year olds.

I do agree with this but equally I feel like the behaviour is a worry. I am not saying it makes it all ok that I lashed out bur conventional approaches haven’t worked and something’s wrong.